Wednesday, August 14, 2013

The Two Party System At Last!

In America we have a two party system, not because it's a law or anything, but because Americans are too fucking lazy to change anything, like thinking the metric system is commie socialism and way too hard, or the penny actually serves a purpose or like here in Big Red Country, that a 1918 law forbidding the teaching of German is still all goooood cuz someday we may need to substitute the word "Spanish" in there and changing one word is pretty easy.

Now the party system is shit, since it's really just a one party system controlled by Wall Street miscreants on different levels, but recently the Republicans seem to be attempting to become a real second party. Oh yeah, totally insane, but really different. Let's all wish them luck in this attempt to become the party of ignorance and one of the finest 19th century thinking organizations ever.

Now to belong to the new and upcoming hipster Republican party you have to pass the litmus test. That test proves to be difficult as not a lot of people can dumb down enough to become the intellectual equivalent of Louie Steve Gohmert-King. Hey, give it a try:

1) Do you believe that climate change is a hoax? Well despite the communist, vegan, pussified 97% of scientists who look at the disappearance of glaciers, the Arctic Circle, Greenland, and Antarctica and see climate change, we see nothing out of the ordinary. Hey it happened once in 1451 or something and everybody lived, right? Besides, if God wants us all to die, well whatya gonna do? So keep buying those Hummers and pretty soon we Iowans can too go to the beach. Cool.

2) Not My President Nobama born in the USA? No chance! His real name is Barry Gibb or Soweto or something and he was born in a mosque in Kenya or Indonesia or one of those other Muslim countries like Hawaii and is not eligible to be President. Hell, his father was a Muslim communist from Kenya and that makes him automatically a citizen of Mecca and his mother, despite being a US citizen, wasn't REALLY an American, if ya know what I mean. Now Ted Cruz, born in Canada and whose mother WAS a real US citizen, well we got no problems with that. Cuz he's a real American, eh!

3)Illegal immigrants are taking our jobs. Hey., it's got nuthin to do with the fact they are brown and talk funny. If they weren't here, American corporations could hire American white people at a decent wage fixing roofs and shit and everybody would be employed and happy. Of course we are against the minimum wage, what are you, some kind of Bolshevik?

4)Abortion is always wrong. Period! You wimmen folk need to resist the charms of all us men and stop putting out and taking those free birth control pills like Skittles. Rape? Incest? Stop making that shit up. It doesn't happen. Have more babies so Bill O'Reilly can call you leeches and get all pissed and stuff.

5) Food Stamps are used by like 99% of the population thanks to Nobummer. You walk into the Albertsons or the Safeway or the Dillons and walk out with free lobster and beer while the rest of us in line behind you, as you talk on your free Obamaphone, sit back and drool over your good fortune and hate you for leeching off my tax money. Thank you, Mr.Koch, for allowing me to work for you thanks to all those well deserved tax breaks. Some day I too will be rich.

6) Rodeo Clowns are funny! Hey, just cuz a rodeo clown wore a Barry Obammer mask with big lips and hollered about a bull running him over and tried to shove a broomstick up his ass and played with the lips while woo hoohing a crowd of Missouri meth heads into a Kenyan hating mob doesn't mean it's racist. Hey, what about when that website I can't find but read by dozens made Bush into Hitler? Or when Bush was taunted for looking like a chimp. Huh? Huh? Besides, Obummer IS Hitler.

7) Obamacare? Despite the fact the law passed through all 3 branches of government unscathed we do not take yes for an answer!It will lead to death panels ,you know, like when the gubmint decides if you will get care or be forced to die. Yeah, like insurance companies do now. It will lead to doctors up and quitting their jobs to go work for some roofing company or Papa Johns cuz Obamacare will cut physician's reimbursements to practically zero. That will lead to death panels run by Michelle Obama who hates white people. Health insurance for the poor? Pffffffft!. Get a job and then you get great health insurance with a $5000 deductible unless Obummer forces nice job creators to cut back on hours so they aren't forced by dictatorial government death panels to insure you. Not covering pre-existing conditions? Hey don't get sick. Too goddamned bad. Now where's my Medicare card. Keeping your kids on parents insurance to age 26. Bahhhh! Just keeps those lazy ass kids playing Call of Duty all day. Get a job on a death panel or something.

8) Science? Pinheaded lab coat wearing nerds! What do they know? We hated science in school anyway. It was boring. And all wrong. Because we don't like its conclusions. The earth being billions of years old, global warming, dead bees, dinosaurs, photosynthesis, ozone layers, pollution, latin, outer space, disease cures, Dana Rohrbacher? Screw it, none of it matters. Armageddon is right around the corner because of that Kenyan Usurper anyway.

9) Voting Rights? Voting isn't a right. It's a privilege for anyone other than white folks. Look it up. Did you know that if only white people voted that Mittens Romney would have won in a landslide? Damn cheating Acorn voter fraudsters. Stop the voter fraud and we white people win everytime. Like the Founding Fathers intended it to be. We are strict Constitutionalists! Don't Tread On Me!

You must also believe that Benghazi is the worst scandal in American history since the IRS scandal and the Black Panther guy opening the door for the old white ladies scandal. Impeaching Obummer is the ultimate goal. Foe what? Who cares? You must believe that Barry Soweto Nobama is coming to get your guns. Despite no gun control legislation passed since forever, he is a very sneaky Islamist. Lulling you to sleep with doing nothing, he then, by not taking your guns, actually takes them.It's very complicated but very true!

Yep, this two party system may work after all. When the flakes and nuts begin to take over, it IS truly a two party system. And that makes it so much easier for the lesser of two evils, The Democratic, uhhhhh, Democrat Party to take control, do whatever Wall Street tells them to do and at least keep the country from a complete brain death panel meltdown.

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