Thursday, July 31, 2008

He's Black? Black? Really? He's Black?

John McBush---" How dare Barak Obama play the race card? Did I mention he's black? B-L-A-C-K? I don't care that he's black but he's black. How can he keep saying that black stuff? It doesn't matter to us that he's black. How dare he be black. Putting the fact he's black right out there for everybody to see that he's black. How can he show us he's black every single day? I wouldn't ever mention the fact he's black if he didn't feel the need to show that he's black every minute of the day. He really should stop that whole black deal. Blahhhhhhhhhhck blahhhhhhhhhhck......."

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Hola, Soy Estupido!!

Why is it at every whacko off the chart conservative rally where they get to think because they have red,white & blue somewhere on their body they are a better American than you there's always some old guy who dusts off his VFW cap, sticks it on his head, goes to the rally and thinks he can say anything he wants because some "nip" or "kraut" took a shot at him? Last night in Fremont, that's a nasty little town north of Omaha where they make Spam, a few thousand showed up at the local high school to debate whether illegals, translation: brown people, should be allowed in Fremont. Thanks to a courageous mayor, the goofy ordinance, which would have fined businesses, like the Spam plant, fined landlords, and generally outlawed the existence of Hispanics in Dodge County was defeated , much to the chagrin of the guy in the aforementioned hat, who was thrown out for standing up and telling opponents of the ordinance to "bring it on". Too much George Bush for that guy.

Whenever small town America decides to do something nutty like this, the small town brains who live in other places, like Omaha, decide to fuel up the F150 and drive up to the local burgh and attempt to throw in their two pesos, which usually consists of "what is it about illegal you don't understand?" followed by them leaning back and smirking like they oughta be writin for that Jay Leno fella. Oh, there was plenty of that up yonder, along with State Patrol, Omaha cops, Dodge County Sheriffs, and Fremont police to keep them from shootin up the place. But the Fremont City Council deadlocked at 4-4, which effectively killed the ordinance. However, a man named Skip Edwards, honorable mayor of Fremont, decided he would kill it deader than dead and voted against it also. He didn't have to vote at all. The issue was dead. But he voted anyway, and pissed of most of Fremont. To be fair, a lot of people gave the 69 year old $4800 a year mayor a standing ovation. To be even fairer, he needed a police escort home.

I can see both sides of this issue. I am conflicted on the issue. However, on some occasions you have to choose sides. You have to decide with whom you will stand. The bigots and the white supremacists and the gun nuts and the bad spellers (see above) all hate illegals and actually believe some American would actually make Spam for 6 bucks an hour. I can't stand with them. I can't take the I.Q. hit.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

I've Been Hannitized!

There he is. The right wing talk show listener. Not typical, most of them are too lazy to do anything but talk loud, but you can bet your last Confederate dollar that this idiot sat around all day listening to El Rushbo, Hannity, O'Reilly and finishing up with a little Michael Weiner Savage.

Can you imagine if this maniac was a Muslim? Oh my Allah, the shiite would hit the fan. But he's a Christian. So he's just kooky. A lone wolf. A nutcase. A whackjob. A disturbed loner. You can't indict an entire religion because of one loser? Can you?

Monday, July 28, 2008

Eat Shiite And Get Really Sick Already!

Do you enter death pools? They seem so ghoulish and wrong and about the only thing I do believe in is karma. Coming my way, of course, not going the other way. So I enter death pools but really only hope the people get really sick and can't take part in their chosen profession any longer whether it be politics, war crimes, terrorism or being a big bully. Earlier this year I entered a death pool and named it Feel Good Dead People. I now take it back and rename it Feel Good Really Sick People. These 10 people deserve to get really sick and bedridden until they have a Lee Atwater-like conversion to decency. I am not confident.

10) O J Simpson- this guy needs to get really sick to the point his head falls off. The Heisman Trophy winner and former Bill needs to go extinct, much like the Heisman Trophy and the Bills.

9) Dick Cheney- Dr.Evil is a despicable politician and an even more despicable human being. He needs to get really sick to the point where somebody orders the Air Force to blow him out of the sky. Riiiiiight!

8) Osama Bin Laden- this one is so easy I am embarrassed I even put him on here. I actually do want him to die. Light that mangy beard on fire and turn off his dialysis machine already.

7) Aribert Heim- you probably have no idea who this creep is. He is a 94 year old Nazi war criminal living in Chile with his daughter for chrissakes. How hard can it be to go make this putz get really sick? A long time ago he liked to inject gasoline directly into the hearts of Jews and see if they got good mileage or something. I know the Mossad is pretty busy, but how much can it cost to make a side trip to Chile for some R&R and give this schmuck a free fill up?

6) Karl Rove- we all know this traitorous perjurer is the man responsible for every crime committed by this putrid administration since 2001. This dork needs to get really sick and make a trip to The Hague to take over Slobadan Milosevic's old cell.

5) Vince McMahon- this guy is so roided out both physically and ethically, for him to take a real life pile driver would be fitting justice. He is responsible for more deaths of more young athletes
than Madonna. Maybe that old lady can pay Vince a visit soon. Just sing a little Borderline. It always made me pretty sick.

4) Ann Coulter- this bony babe is the fantasy chick of every young budding Nazi with one hand on the keyboard and the other one thrust straight out in front of them. Besides being bulimic, this smoking, drinking skank is a fraudulent voter registrant, anti-Semite, not funny and a close personal friend of that flathead Sean Hannity. Too stay as skinny as she is, she must already be really sick.

3) Bill O'Reilly- this bullying blowhard serial sexual harrasser needs for somebody to kick his Irish ass. That's the only thing 58 year old punks like him understand. So, please, somebody make him real sick right now. Take his phone away. That oughta do it.

2) Barry Bonds- oh what an endearing home run king the bald, zit backed, huge headed domestic abuser he is. This nasty man actually took the home run title from a guy who not only put up with racial hatred, but hit 755 homers at about 190 pounds. PumpkinHead, who once pushed a porn star girlfriend down a flight of stairs, and used his kid to shield himself from questioning about his fondness for "flax seed oil", needs to pay the price for soiling my favorite sport. Somebody stick a pin in his noggin and deflate him real soon.

1) Sayyid Muqtada al-Sadr- the Charlie Manson of Iraq is a royal pain in the ass. He is yet another leader getting by because of his old man. This guy was nothing but another George W Bush until his father was whacked by Saddam back in the late 90's. Then W, errrr, the mullah, gave up the video games and beer, and took over the old man's business, conning the morons. Al Sadr needs to get real sick soon, preferably a fight to the finish involving him and W and two kegs of Old Baghdad beer.

Friday, July 25, 2008

No Seriously, Just Ask Cindy!

While Barak Obama was speaking to a couple of hundred thousand Prussians in Berlin, the other guy was in Ohio ordering a gigantic wienerschnitzel or bragging or something. Can you believe this guy has a good chance to be The Man?

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Ich Bin Ein Not McSame!!

200,000 Germans turned out to listen to Barak Obama speak in Berlin. That many Germans haven't gathered in one place to listen to a speaker since about 1938 or so. This time, instead of listening to some psycho rant and rave, I'm speaking Reagan in 1984 of course, they gathered to plead with the United States to elect this man President so they could like us again. It didn't matter what he said, it didn't matter what he didn't say, this was a plea to Americans to think about the rest of the world again. We like you folks, we hate your President. Please think about us a little bit when you vote this November. Show us you have moved beyond being afraid of your own shadow. Show us you've grown up and don't want political equivalents of mob thugs protecting you anymore. Show us you'll elect an adult to lead the free world and not some smirking frat boy or an old man with a get off my lawn temper. Show us you care about the rest of us and we'll help you out on that terrorism thing. Obama is that guy. He will show the rest of the globe that we Americans aren't scared of the boogie man anymore and will stop blowing up entire houses to kill a pesky gnat. He will get people to like us again. Who doesn't like being liked?

But my faith in Americans has always been skewered by where I live. Genetic Republican Land. The place where people driving rusty 1985 Ford Fiestas have W'04 bumper stickers still attached to the bumper held on by duct tape. So the rest of America needs to step up. Do what you did in 1992. Throw these bums out once and for all. I doubt it will happen but what other choice do we have? Keep the Audacity of Hope alive.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Stop Throwing That Ball Indoors, You'll Break Something!

Indoor baseball is like Hawaiian pizza. It's just not right. Why have the Twins played in this giant concrete Leggo contraption for the last 30 years? Oh yeah, they turned the old baseball stadium into a giant shopping mall . What the hell is going on up here? I loved the Minnesota Twins as a kid. When they moved into this gloomy basement I stopped caring so much. Then they named this round mound of cement after one of the greatest Americans ever, Hubert Humphrey. The last straw. This dome is awful. How can anybody watch anything in this prison? In fact, when the Twins move back outdoors in 2010, why not just turn this dungeon into the Minnesota State Prison and dump every degenerate in there to roam free. Even when the Vikings are playing. Who would notice?

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Uff Da, Could Ya Get Dat Umbrella Oota My Arse?

This is not a New York City subway. It's the Minnesota Light Rail System. Jammed in like King Oscar sardines in water. For slightly overweight, sweaty Irish guys from Omaha, this was almost too much to bear. I was aboot (oops) to fall out at Fort Snelling and walk back to Bloomington with the Somalis. But I lived. Minnesotans don't stink either.I actually wish they had one of these in Omaha where I could ride it every damn day and like it. Besides, you couldn't fit as many Nebraskans on one of these if ya know what I mean?

Saturday, July 19, 2008


The Twin Cities have two special lanes on their freeways. They have the diamond lane for those with more than one person in their car and a special Flintstones lane for people driving with their feet. Oh those crazy Lutherans wouldn't want to break the law now would they?

Friday involved a trip to Canterbury Downs for the boy and myself and a trip to the Indian casino for the spouse. As you can see from the photo, Minnesotans make fun of themselves.

Minnesota seems to consist of two types of folks. Norwegians and Somalis. Blonde, blue eyed, pale white people or scarf-wearing, long-skirted black people. I'm sure they all get along.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Hey,You Forgot The Watermelon!!

When did Rupert Murdoch take over the New Yorker? Jesus Christ, 15% of the American people, and 75% of West Virginia, already believe the rot drawn on that cover. Let's see, we have the Muslim Obama "terrorist fist bumping" with his Black Panther wife, Michelle, in the Oval Office, burning the American flag, while a picture of Osama Bin Laden peers from above the fireplace. Ho ho ho! Only a dittohead or someone who has been "Hannitized" or a Fox News junkie would find that a knee-slapper. Oh, and there's plenty of those lamebrains out there. Granted, none of them would ever vote for Obama anyway, because Rush would tell them not to, but its freaking July for chrissakes. Can we only imagine what else is coming? From the ones who are paid big bucks to lie about Osama, errrrrrrrrrrr, Obama. See, it even worked on me for a second.

I used to subscribe to the New Yorker. I liked it a lot. It was full of interesting, informative articles about things nobody cares about. Now, per that cover, it's become an arm of the character assassination crowd. Great going, New Yorker. I will be anxiously awaiting the cover featuring John McCain, a Manchurian Candidate glaze in his eyes, being ordered around by Angela Lansbury (Meryl Streep for you updated Manchurian Candidate fans) while crumbling up his first marriage certificate in one hand, and fondling Cindy McCain with the other, all the while with money stuffed in his pocket by a tiny little Charles Keating down in the corner. I will not be holding my breath.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

I Wish My Horse Was In The Picture...Wait...Wait

Going to horse racing tracks has always been my therapy. Though it may end up costing me a few dollars or lots, it's more entertaining and lasts longer than some office visit to a therapist who listens intently and then scripts you some mind-altering drug. You see, after racking my brain for a few minutes, deciding that # 6 is worth a few bucks to win, place and show, and then watching #6 fade to 4th place after a minute and 12 seconds, I know where I stand. Horses are better to deal with than humans. They do the best they can and then it's over. You either were right, or you were wrong. No lies, no games, no hanging on, in a minute and change, it's over. You're either happy, relieved, angry or sad. Then in another 15 minutes, you can start all over again. A typical race track has 10 races a day. That's 10 relationships. all concluded, in about 3 hours. It is how I cope. I love it. It's a dying sport, proved by the above photo taken in Lincoln,Nebraska on a recent Friday night but I still love it. The track is full of immigrants, white trash ex-hippies (myself included), drunken bikers, college kids, horse people and their families, and old people. That's about 98% of it. And I still love it. The sound of the rumbling hooves of racehorses is a sound I place up there with the crack of a wooden bat at a baseball game, the sound of my son calling me "Daddy", and peace and quiet.

They wont be racing in Lincoln much longer if the State Fair moves to Grand Island. What a loss for me. Yet another thing I love going away.

McSnarly And McCarly Sittin In A Tree

Carly Fiorina is the name. Killing people's lives is her game. Becoming McSame's veep choice is her goal and if you know Carly Fiorina at all, you know how many bodies she will crawl over to achieve that end. As former CEO of Hewlett Packard from 1999-2004, she ran the company into the ground before being let go, so to speak, and paid a large sum of money to go away. But now, mostly because of her charming smile, her cougar looks, and her soothing demeanor, she is being touted among the Republicans attempting to appeal to the bitter Hillary voters, who can't come to grips with the fact people don't like Hillary, as a vice-presidential candidate for Uncle McGrumpy. The irony of Hillary haters trying to make inroads with Hillary swooners is just plain creepy. I don't think it will work, but then I'm still wondering how many more years does President Kerrey have left?

Carly Fiorina is a snake charmer. She's full of shiite. She's a corporate ax-murderer. She's a sociopath interested in Carly and only Carly. She's perfect for fooling dopey Americans. McBush could do worse in picking a veep to clean up his messes. But Carly Fiorina has no experience in anything except destroying hard-working Americans dreams. Like I said, she is a perfect choice for McCranky. He crashed and burned a fighter jet, and she crashed and burned a corporation.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Welcome To Hell, Mr.Helms!

Ok, maybe that headline isn't very nice, or fair, or even factual since there really isn't a hell, but if there was a place with a red guy with a tail and horns, these two would be high officials. Jesse Helms was a despicable fellow much like Reagan, but didn't try to hide it with grandpa-like behavior. Helms was mean and nasty and had the same 52% of North Carolina mouth breathers vote for him every 6 years. He beat a Greek guy in 1970 by saying "Helms is one of us". He railed against AIDS funding in the 80's by ignorantly stating "no case of AIDS has ever started without sodomy" . He opposed a Martin Luther King holiday by calling King a "communist". He beat a black opponent by showing an ad with a pair of white hands crumpling up a job rejection notice because a "lesser qualified minority got the job". He threatened Bill Clinton's life if he ever came to North Carolina. But worst of all, Jesse Helms used to refer to all black men he came in contact with as "Fred". It didn't matter what the hell the guy's name was, Helms didn't have the human decency to even attempt to learn what he considered a lesser's name. Fred. His name was "Fred". If there is karma, you can look up and see "Dutch" welcoming "Fred" to a really bad place.