Tuesday, December 30, 2008

For My Next Trick I Will Swallow A Football!

This is Chip Saltsman. Chip wants to be the head of the Republican National Committee. What are Chip's credentials? Well, he ran Mike Huckabee's presidential campaign and took it farther than anybody ever thought it would. But Huckabee lost to an old guy who lost to a secret Islamic terrorist so Chip is still a bit weak in the old "name me one accomplishment you are proud of" interview question. But Chipper is no dummy. He knows what kind of people are still proud to admit they are a Republican. You know, the kind who tells you how funny Rush Limbaugh is. The kind who laments the loss of a good old Polack joke. The kind who finds parody songs witty. Chip decided to send out free CD's of a tune affectionately overplayed on the EIB network called "Barack the Magic Negro". Excuse me while I compose myself I am laughing so hard.

Please, Mr. Republican, make this guy your next chairman. Please. Please. While you're at it, please grease the skids to make Tripp Johnston's grandmother your next nominee in 2012. I'm already giddy and the Magic Man hasn't even taken office yet.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Ya Know? You Betcha?

Some are comparing New York's next Senator, Caroline Kennedy, to a certain Governor of a state full of refugees and fugitives because she says "ya know" a lot kind of like that hackey mam said "you betcha". Big difference there, my friends. The "mavrick" is 44 years old and has at least 6 alma maters. Caroline is, what, like 6 years old? Come on. give the kid a break for chrissakes!

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Happy Birthday To Max!

Twelve years ago, Max came into the world pooping and screaming. Things are sooooooo different now. Happy Birthday Max! We love you!

Monday, December 22, 2008

2009 Couldn't Go Fast Enough!

Say, if you're looking for that last minute Christmas gift (nobody would buy it for Hanukkah or Kwanzaa since no Jews or blacks voted for her) for the Joe the Plumber in your life? Just go hang it in the garage or put it under the mattress now and save your Joe the time.

I kept my promise to never type that person's name ever again!

Saturday, December 20, 2008

The Phelps' Children Cry For Help!

The latest from the fine folks at the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka,Kansas. Are those poor children trying to tell the world what Fred does to them at night? Nonetheless these kids need some good old liberating. How about it, Dick Cheney?

This time the attention seekers are crapping all over Santa Claus. If you wish to give some attention, and throw up at the same time, check out the latest Christmas carol courtesy of the Lennon and McCartney of Kookooville, Shirley and Fred. It's on youtube if you can handle it. But check out the taped child abuse at the very end. Yo!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

The Purpose Driven Inauguration!

Ok by now everybody knows that the fat, smiling, glad handing Rick Warren has been asked by the President-elect to give some sort of invocation at the Inauguration. The left has gone batshit crazy over this slap in the face to their ideals. All I can say is who cares? Who gives a damn what millionaire man of God gets up and prays for the country? The only thing I'd actually listen to is if the Reverend Jeremiah Wright started hollering and rolling his eyes. Now that would be something to watch!

Rick Warren is James Dobson with charisma. Throw a few alms to the sick and poor in your speeches while maintaining your homophobic and misogynistic reality and you have a million-selling author. But once again I don't care if Rick Warren or Warren Sapp for that matter get up and invocate away. It means nothing. Who gave Bush's invocation? Who gave Clinton's? Nobody remembers, not to mention it didn't do any good anyway.

So lather up all you lefties. Maybe with a little practice you too can become outraged at unimportant issues like Bill O'Reilly's crowd tends to do. Or better yet, move on and while Warren is blah blah blah-ing like Charlie Brown's teacher, actually work behind the scenes and get something started.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Somber Like It's 1999!

The call came around 11:10 PM on a Thursday night, December 16, 1999. My Mom informed me that my Dad had died just a few minutes earlier as she attempted to help him to bed. Oh, I knew he was dying, I just didn't think it would happen this fast. He had gone through his first day with hospice people and was becoming too much to handle for my Mom. I think he just decided I'm done. What was I to do? I told Sheryl ,who began weeping, and then I went over to the house to say goodbye. All the way over I kicked myself because I had not gone to see him that Thursday night. When I arrived I hugged Mom and said I was sorry I hadn't come over. Then I went to his room and he lay sideways across the bed, eyes partially open, looking so tired. So tired. Any fear of death I had left me that night. My Dad looked so worn out from fighting that I knew wherever he was, even if he was nowhere, was better than where he'd been the last few months. Then the mortuary guys showed up to take him away to the Nebraska Medical Center where medical students would use him for research and training to help better mankind. That's how I remember my father, selfless even after he was gone. I wish I could be half the man he was. Dad, I miss you, I love you, and I hope you're finishing the back nine somewhere. You deserve it.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

I Think I've Spotted The Problem!

Ya know I don't really know much about recessions and slowdowns and economic meltdowns and bailouts, but I do know about piss poor management and the American car business is the most ineptly led industry outside of the Chicago Cubs. What kind of blind nitwits who live through the gas lines, the oil boycotts, and the sharp increase in gas prices in the 1970's learns absolutely nothing? Why, it's the American automobile industry followed closely in 2nd place by the American public. I am tempted to say screw both of them, and have just done so, but the far reaching effects of an automobile industry shutdown is just too devastating.

The Republicans oppose this bailout for one reason. Is it because it violates the rules of capitalism? Is it because the taxpayers are getting the driveshaft? No, it's because the Republicans despise unions. Busting a union is a GOP'ers wet dream and the UAW is a big pinata to bust. So throw out the lies about UAW wages being $70 per hour and reinforce the stereotypes of fat union workers sleeping on the job and go to town. That little stunt on Thursday night where the Republicans pretty much asked the union to void its contract? Despicable.

Like I said, I have mixed feelings on this. Bailing out mismanaged businesses is the epitome of socialism. Remember when McCain and Edith Bunker kept calling Obama that word? But what else is there to do? Giving $ 800 billion to these crooks in the banking, insurance, and automobile business makes me sick, not to mention the fact that many of these Republican senators have been doing Toyota and Honda and BMW's bidding for years with tax breaks and outright taxpayer payments to those foreign companies to build plants in their states. $800 billion was more than enough to fund a national health care plan, you know, the kind of thing that makes Republicans have seizures because it helps the poor and the middle class.

So a big screw you to all of you. The car companies, the banks, insurance companies, the Republicans. You just make me crazier than I already am. I'm going to go pull the covers over my face.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

And You Thought Spiro Agnew Had A Funny Name?

No folks, it's not some 80's pop star clinging to his look while playing his keyboard heavy oldies to big haired 45 year olds, it's Illinois strongman Hot Rod Blagojevich ducking back under his rock. Where did this guy come from? Who votes for a guy who looks like that? The Republican must have looked like Paulie Walnuts for chrissakes.

It seems Blags wanted to sell the Obama Senate seat to the highest freakin' bidder and got caught on tape soliciting bribes, dropping the effenheimer on the Obama team, and plotting the next St.Valentines Day Massacre. Needless to say, it seems Rod The Hairball will be visiting the special section at Joliet that houses other Illinois politicians.He may have company when Jesse "Kung Fu" Jackson Jr. outdoes the old man and hits the big time by getting indicted for attempting to bid on that freakin' Senate seat.

Oh Illinois, Land of That Frickin' Finnochio Abe Lincoln, what have you done again? Wasn't your last Governor a Joliet resident too? It's been about 143 years since Honest Abe made your state proud. Since then, it's pretty much been one racketeer after another. Let's hope Obama breaks that losing streak. As for Blags, you made Tony Soprano look like freakin' Gilligan. Good job.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

So Terrorist Free You Can Even Dump It Down Your Sewer!

While out driving looking for a viola bow for Max, I came upon this gas station. Apparently if you buy gas from these patriotic folks, they swear they won't help fund terrorist organizations such as the Muslim Brotherhood, Al Queda, Hammas, or Wal Mart. How can any red blooded American not buy gas from these fellas? Only terrorist loving Obama voters would pass them by and get their fuel next door at the Quik Trip. That's where I took this picture while getting gas at the Quik Trip.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Next Stop, Hell!

Looks like America's favorite ex-football player acquitted murderer has run out of juke moves. Ol' number 32 apparently decided to pick the wrong state to eff with. After California and Florida couldn't get him, the loosest place on earth got him. Good job, Nevada. You went Obama in November and cashed in OJ's chips in December.
I can't wait for that Nevada State Pen versus Leavenworth Federal football game. Mike Vick leading the feds and OJ running for daylight for the staties. Don't laugh, there's always the Fox Reality Channel out there.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

58 Is The Loneliest Number!

Looks like Georgians have decided to re-elect Grandpa Groper to the United States Senate and keep the Democrats stuck on 58 with no way to get to the magic number of 60 where they could simply command the South and the Midwest to shut the eff up. Well, at least the little girl in front will be safe for another 6 years.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Things I Just Don't Get Or How Old Do You Have To Be To Get A Pension In England?

Now and then I ponder things others profess to love, and I don't understand. Others can do the same with my love of jazz, or horse racing, or Black Oak Arkansas. But the following are things I really, truly, do not get.
1) The Rolling Stones after 1975
What is about these guys people pay hundreds of dollars to see and hear? For chrissakes, I saw them in 1981 and thought they were phoning it in. Jagger has become a parody of himself, Richards is cashing the checks, Wood is a sad old man, and Charlie Watts is way above this oldies circuit shiite anymore. They haven't had a decent song since Mick Taylor left the band. Please, stop encouraging them.
2) NFL football
My goodness, if they didn't have a pointspread, would anybody watch this sport? Week after week, it's the same old thing. Run, short pass, short pass, punt. Four ex-jocks in a television studio pontificate about each game as if it means anything to anybody with a life. Who has 4 hours to give up to watch this dreary exhibition of tedium? It's worse than going to Mass.
3) Madonna
What does she do? She can't sing. She can't act. She speaks with a fake English accent. She breeds with personal trainers and has a penchant for taking down professional athletes. Look at her career. She doesn't even know what she is.
4) The Founding Fathers
Everytime you hear some conservative blowhard attempting to justify their 18th century mind out comes the Founding Fathers card. What would the Founding Fathers have done? What was the intent of the Founding Fathers? Well I say, who gives a poop? These guys, and I mean all guys, obviously meant for blacks to be slaves, Indians to be eliminated, women to be oppressed, and a well regulated militia to be the only ones to have guns. Oops, forget about that last one. Doesn't fit the conservative blowhard agenda.
5) Disney
I don't get it. I didn't get it when I should have gotten it. I hated it when I was kid. It's so damned goody two shoes. I preferred Bugs and Daffy and Yosemite Sam. They had an edge. Disney characters are like something invented in an LDS lab. Who can honestly say a Disney character has ever made you laugh? Ok, Dumbo was cool and Bambi was sad and Old Yeller made me weep. For godsakes, no wonder I hate Disney. They are depressing.
6) Golf
I played it a lot when I was a kid. But after awhile I never got any better. So I gave it up. It used to be fun to put on your t shirt, cutoffs and sneakers and walk a decent public golf course with your golf bag slung over your shoulder for about 4 bucks. Then the public courses got greedy and stuck in a dress code, forced you to rent a cart, upped the price to $40 and actually expected people to participate. And they do. Unbelievably so.
7) Pickups
Ok fine, if you live on a farm I get it. If you live in a city and drive one, well, is it because of your shortcomings? Do you feel manly? Do you need somewhere to stick your big dog? I'm asking that of the chicks. Buy a car.
8) Julia Roberts
Is it that laugh? That humongous mouth? That Oscar? Oscar? Are you effin kidding me? Julia Roberts has as many Oscars as Robert DeNiro? Marty Scorcese? This actress has a much more talented brother and much more talented peers who have no awards. Come on now, folks, to make her look like a bohemian they paired her up with Julia Stiles and Kirsten Dunst and both of them made her look silly.
Well there's more, like Aerosmith, New York Yankees fans, SUV's, Texas, skiing, roller coasters, indoor baseball and football, Notre Dame, Tony Bennett, boats, hunting, the stock market and Michael Phelps. But all that for another day.

Friday, November 28, 2008

The Flag Football Field Is Over There!

Oh it used to be fun when Nebraska played Colorado. That goddamned buffalo Ralphie, the tough play on the field, the Big 12 North at stake, the profanity, the urine bombs, the battery chucking, the assault and battery, the riots, the drunks. Oh the memories. Last year Nebraska took control of this series by racking up 51 points on the Buffaloes out in Boulder. What? Oh yeah, CU racked up 65 points but now we're nitpicking. In 2005, the CU student section out in Boulder became so irate that Bill Callahan was actually beating them, and who could blame them, they threw so much crap onto the field they all got thrown out.

But today, the Buffs come to Lincoln and Nebraska should rack up 51 points again. But this time CU won't be close to 65. More like 14 or 17 or maybe 21. So after out Texas Tech debacle last week we drop to 8-5 on the year. So bet Nebraska, give the 18, and enjoy Buffalo meat.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving Everybody!

We get to go and eat at a nursing home today with Mom. Sounds great. Have a good day.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Ann Coulter's Adam's Apple Hits The Disabled List!

Apparently right wing bony bulimic Ann Coulter has taken a tumble down some stairs and busted her constantly flapping jaw. It's wired shut! She can't talk? Oh Lord Up In Heaven, it's an early Christmas for those of us with sense and decent vision. For the crowd that looks at her picture with one hand on the keyboard and one hand on the Coulter, so sorry, boys.
I shouldn't be happy that Anorexic Annie hurt herself, but jesus, next time try not to go down some stairs three sheets to the wind, carrying a whiskey bottle in one hand, a smoke in the other, and a Ronald Reagan love doll over your shoulder.
I'd buy those stairs a drink, but I'm sure the booze is gone on a nightly basis at the Coulter Cavern.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Hailing From Parts Unknown, Alan The Punching Bag Colmes!

In the old days of professional wrestling, the kind that took place in your local TV studio and involved overweight, hairy guys posing as Nazis and Arabs and Russians and Jungle Dwellers, there were guys called "jobbers". Jobbers would wrestle the famous wrestler on TV, look good for awhile and then inevitably lose. Week in and week out, these jobbers would appear on local matches and lose so the famous wrestler could promote the upcoming Texas Death Match at the local arena.

Say goodbye to the Kenny "Sodbuster" Jay of Fox News, Alan "Jobber" Colmes. Every night, for the last few years, Colmes would show up, take a seat next to the Irish blowhard, Sean Hannity, put up a half assed battle, and then succumb to the force of Hannity's conservative claw hold. Finally, Alan Colmes has had enough of hacking for Hannity. He's leaving Fox News, presumably to take a long shower. I just hope on Colmes' last night, he takes a folding chair to the noggin of Hulk Hannity and pins him once and for all.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Breaker 1-9 Breaker 1-9 This Is Principal Skinner, Are Ya Out There, Teddy Bear?

That's my brother, Kevin, out there on the left coast. A highly respected educator, he just cannot get over his real love, talking to truckers on his Hy Gain CB radio.

I'm No Mangino, But I'm Workin' On It!

Mike Leach is one goofy sucker. He launches into a diatribe on porn flicks while attempting to explain his offense. He somehow relates an overtime win over Nebraska to being with Sharon Stone. He goes for a 4th and 10 from his own 27 in the first quarter at Kansas State. The guy is plain loco. But he wins. He wins in Lubbock, Texas and tonight he plays in Norman, Oklahoma.

Last week the improving Huskers beat the shiite out of Kansas State and covered the 7 points. We move to 8-4 on the year. This week see above. Texas Tech gets 7 points at Oklahoma. Strap yourself in and go with Tech. I can't wait.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Bless Me Father, For You Have Sinned!

The Vatican has forgiven John Lennon this week. What for, you ask? Well back in 1966 or so, while John and Paul and George and Ringo were selling millions and millions of Beatles albums to kids, he had the audacity to state the obvious. He claimed that the Beatles were "more popular than Jesus". Well duh! It actually was one of his least creative statements. It offended nobody over the age of reason. But man oh man, Katie bar the door, did it offend future George W Bush voters and the scam artists who rule their lives. There were Southern Baptists and scummy radio deejays out there on the teevee bulldozing Revolver and burning Meet The Beatles. Now THAT, my friends, is the real outrage.
The Vatican , perpetrator of so many violations of the racketeering statutes, has suddenly decided to "forgive" Mr. Lennon's ghost? Now I am a veteran of years and years of Catholic indoctrination and I have no memory of this subject ever coming up. In fact, I remember singing Hey Jude in 1968 during 7th grade music class. So what in the eff are they talking about back in Rome? Who knows?
So my advice to the Vatican is this. You used to be cool. Well as cool as a religious cult could be. Don't get down into the pit with the snake handlers and the tongue talkers and the Christers. It's smelly down there. You're better than that. Forgiving long dead geniuses for something you never cared about anyway is just plain dumb. It only reminds people of your crimes that nobody has forgiven you for. Tread lightly.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

The Omaha Blues Feel So Good!

I have voted for Jimmy Carter, John Anderson, Walter Mondale, Michael Dukakis, Bill Clinton twice, Al Gore, John Kerrey and Barack Obama in my lifetime of Presidential tallies. Hey there's a couple of winners in there, perhaps four winners had there been no Florida or Ohio cheats. But until 2008, I really had never voted for a winner. Because of the antiquated electoral college system, my vote for a Democrat in the red state of Nebraska never counted. And it never would have, except for a law passed dividing the electoral votes of this state up by congressional district.

There are three districts in Nebraska. The First District consists of Lincoln and unfortunately, about another 200,000 genetic Republicans in such bastions of progress like Fairbury, Seward and Eagle. So when Lincoln votes Democratic, the rest of the district overwhelms it with their Republican disease. The Third District is hopeless. Full of dying, dusty, small towns that won't be around in 50 years, these gun nuts and Jesus freaks vote Republican because Daddy and Grandaddy told 'em too.

The Second District consists of Omaha and a county (Sarpy) so full of military retirees that they often refer to their own families as Maggot and the Numbnuts. For years the Omaha Democratic vote was buried by Maggot and the Numbnuts and the Republican occupation. But this year was different. Despite Sarge and the platoon's votes, the force was overrun by the Omaha insurgency and Barack Obama, the leader of the Omaha terrorists, WON!

My vote counted. For perhaps the only time ever, it counted. See the little jut out to the west of Iowa. That's me. I counted. Suck that, Maggot!

Friday, November 14, 2008

But Coach Callahan Told Me To Put My Helmet On Like This!

Nebraska actually beat a decent team last week. Colder than Dick Cheney's heart and attended by Max & Max's Dad in Lincoln, the Huskers took out Kansas 45-35. This week it's down to Manhattan, Kansas and the Kansas State Lame Ducks. It should be win number 7.
Last week those K-Staters scored two late TD's on Missouri and covered so we lost our bet bringing us down to 7-4 on the season. Look, K-State has a coach who's already been fired and he's still coaching, they are 4-6 and have nothing to play for. Nebraska is improving and should easily cover that 7 point spread. Bet the Huskers.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Another Shocker From W!

The guy just remains clueless, doesn't he? I'll bet Laura, or Condi, won't let him anywhere near them.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

God Gives The Old Terrorist Fist Bump!

Man, I gotta tell you, if that famous painting, revered by Christians all over the world, doesn't show you God doesn't give a rat's ass if two gay people get married or not, well you are beyond hope.

I really don't care what your so-called God says to you in that book of fairy tales you refer to, but it's coming. Just like a black President eventually showed up, gay marriage is coming. You cannot stop it.

So here's the deal, brothers and sisters, back in the 1960's, there was a clan of people verbally and in some cases, violently, opposed to civil rights for black people. These people are looked on with disdain nowadays. These chinless crackers wasted their youth hating others and now they're old and hopefully remorseful. That's you homophobes now. In 10 years you will be laughed at while the rest of us will be content in the knowledge that we were in the forefront of supporting the granting yet another oppressed minority the rights they should have had since 1783.

So choose sides, folks. Be over here on the right side, or be over there with the Phelps Family and its minions. It's up to you. God loves us all, right?

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Up Above The Student Section Is The Ghost Section!

One of the biggest stories in college athletics is the pride the University of Nebraska takes in it's alleged 290 straight sellouts at it's tomb-like football stadium. That's right, 290 straight times since 1962, the old cement structure has had every seat filled, every ticket sold, and every nut in Nebraska in attendance. I've been going there since 1963, when my Dad brought me to see the Huskers play South Dakota State. As you can see, their schedule hasn't improved much over time.

But this "sellout" nonsense is just that. Nonsense. What's that up there in the corner of the South Stadium at the start of the game? Yeah, it's nobody. Three sections, at least 20 rows. Fuzzy math would tell me that's at least 1200 or so seats. Who bought them? What corporation or booster got the phone call Saturday morning telling them exactly how many seats they had to pay 5 bucks apiece for?

Come on Husker fan. It's bogus. It's been bogus since the late 1980's when the same thing happened. It's simple economics. At some point, in a state of 1.5 million people, in a lousy economy, filling 85,000 seats at a football game at $65 apiece to see a lousy opponent becomes virtually impossible. Let it go. It's over.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Is That Larry Craig In There?

Joe Lieberman may be a pariah to the Democrats. He may be a traitor. He may be the kiss of death to whomever he's trying to help, right Al Gore? However, Joe Lieberman isn't the same as that wacky Hee Haw reject, Zell Miller. Miller, the loony Georgia Senator who railed against John Kerrey at the 2004 Republican Convention while rolling his eyes and throwing his arms around was a nut. A kook. Joe Lieberman is a man who feels he was betrayed by his party. Joe's brain was warped by 9/11 much like Dennis Miller, Ron Silver, Dennis Hopper, and many other formerly clear thinking people. When your brain warps, you don't think clearly and you believe invading the wrong country is super duper. Had FDR responded to Pearl Harbor by invading, oh I don't know, New Zealand, guys like Lieberman would have hollered " to get those kiwi eaters!"
But Joe Lieberman is worth saving. He is a champion of civil rights, women's rights, gay rights, and just a bit off when it comes to the Iraq War.

My advice to Harry Reid, and the rest of you Democrats suddenly in power. Step back and think. Democrats like Nebraska's own Ben Nelson are much more conservative than Joe Lieberman. You may need Joe The Plumber, Harry. Think!

Hey,Send The Hot Dog Schlinger Over Here!

The Kansas Jayhawks and their Biggest Loser coach come to town and something has to break, besides the bench Mark Mangino sits down on. The last two weeks, I have witnessed Kansas get bludgeoned by Texas Tech and the Huskers get kicked in the grapes by Oklahoma. This week, Max and Max's Dad will be in Lincoln. Somebody has to win, right?

Nebraska failed to cover last week, maybe didn't even show up, so we fall to 7-3 on the year. This week Missouri gets to blast another Big 12 North team, the coachless Kansas State Mildkitties. Give the 27 points and take Mizzou.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Can't He Move In Early?

I sobbed last night. Now that's not really much for me to admit, since I cry when a new bookstore opens somewhere close to me. But really sobbing is rare. The Rodney King riots made me sob. The death of George Harrison made me sob. The death of my Dad made me sob. The birth of Max made me sob. The death of my dog, Pete, made me sob and last night, when Barack Obama spoke, I sobbed. Go ahead and call me a wuss, but the sight of a million people cheering, Jesse Jackson crying, and Barack Obama making me feel like I've never felt before as an adult, hopeful and proud for America, made me sob. It was a short one, but it was a sob. A happy sob.

It's all about Max. Being born into this world is rough and things are not getting better. I am scared for him. For the last eight years, and especially the last five, I have nightmares about kids Max's age dying in foreign wars so some selfish dink can drive a Hummer. I have nightmares of kids with no hope turning to drugs and crime and turning into lost human beings rotting in jails. I have nightmares of kids turning against my generation for bankrupting them and forcing them to support our narcissism. I have nightmares...........

Bobby Kennedy was an inspiration to so many before they killed him. I was too young to really know what that kind of inspiration meant. I am still haunted by his murder to this day. It's more of an 11 year old being shocked by the senselessness of it all that burnt into my memory bank than the death of hope like it was to people 10 years older than me.

Last night was my Bobby Kennedy. After years of failed leadership and disappointment, could this really be different? Is Barack Obama the guy? Jesus, I hope so. When Bill Clinton won in 92, I wasn't as happy about his election as I was happy to see conservatives squirm. It was so much Schadenfreude back then. Last night I couldn't have cared less about Republican despair. Screw them. I was hopeful for this country. 24 hours later, I still am.

This cynical SOB is ready to chant. Yes We Can! Thank you America!

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Who The Frack Is That?

I swear to you I will never, ever type this dingbat's name again.

That Whole Palin Thing Was A Joke, My Friends!

Thanks Senator McCain, you finally bought your soul back.
It's today. Send him to DC and send HER back north.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Get The Secret Service Over Here!

One day to go.

When you vote tomorrow, just think of what you see above. A vote for McCain is a vote for that disaster he's hugging.

How can that above scene happen? Why would he hug that sonavabitch who destroyed him in 2000? Why? Good God, Senator, that incident pictured above should cost you the Presidency AND your Senate seat. Hugging a guy who has damned America through actions is far worse than being pictured with a preacher who damns America in rhetoric.

Just remember this on Tuesday. This corrupt and criminal administration must end. The only way to do that is vote for Barack Obama. Please.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Local Yokel Makes Good!

Think of your local news teams. Have a bigger bunch of boneheads ever permeated your television with their mindless chatter and their pretend like for each other in between the car accident, fire, and squirrels on water ski stories? Get beyond the bleach blondes and the helmet haired anchors. Get beyond the weather chicks and the geeks who get stiffies over weather warnings. Think of your former jock or person too stupid to be stupid enough to be reporting the news. This is the sports guy. The guy who really has no idea why anyone cares who's running for Senator or Governor if the Huskers are losing.
This is Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin's goal in life was to be on ESPN. Too bad she didn't succeed because now she's threatening to matter. That cannot happen. Nobody and I mean nobody who has ever said the words " he....goes....all....the...way" or "he shoots, he scores" or " I'm just a hackey mom" on television should ever be in a position of power. With your vote, that won't happen.
2 days to go.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

I'm John McCain And You Betcha I Approved This Message!

Three days to go and poor John McCain seems to have morphed into his dingbat runnin' mate. I hear he's sayin' doggone it and you betcha and startin' to drop the r's. Oh Senator McCain, even the 2000 version of you dingin' around in your head is votin' for the Marxist, Socialist, Muslim terrorist named Barack Hussein Obama.

Pallin' around with domestic terrorists like Todd Palin? Come on, John, please get ahold of yourself.

So Long Studs!

Another of my favorite authors died this weekend. Studs Terkel, the fantastic listener and author, lasted until age 96 before leaving this earth deft of yet another genius.

You all now his works on race, working stiffs, and the wonderful oral history of WW II, The Good War. If not, he played the crusty old sportswriter in the best baseball movie ever, John Sayles' Eight Men Out. Studs Terkel was an American original. The guy was impossible to dislike.

Vonnegut, Wallace, Mailer, Studs. All gone now. Damn.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Trig Or Treat!

How pathetic! Poor little Trig Palin is now being used as a prop elephant at some Palin Nuremberg Rally. I guess poor Bristol needs an even bulkier Trig to cover up her Levi spawned hockey child. Maybe when little Trig gets bigger, Uncle Levi can dress him up like a hockey goalie and take a few slapshots at him. That is, unless Mommy gets her can sent back to Alaska and Levi can cut the cord. I hear Levi is making calls at Obama HQ pleading for his life.

4 days to go.

Trick Or Treat!

Last week . while Nebraska struggled against the worst team in the Big 12 South (or the 7th best team in the Big 12), Texas Tech was dismantling Kansas in a performance witnessed by Max's Dad and Max in Lawrence, Kansas. Tech, perhaps because the above pictured 6 foot 7 ,360 lb Brandon Carter is one scary man, destroyed last year's Cinderella team. Texas Tech looked unbeatable.

Last week, Oklahoma covered against K-State moving our record to 7-2. This week is a big decision. Texas Tech is a 4 point dog to Texas. Nebraska is a 22 point dog at Oklahoma. Hmmmmm. What the hell, take Nebraska and the 22 points. Go Tech!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Joe The Country Singer Can Mosey Along Anytime Now!

The dumbing down of the American public continues as John McBush keeps on hanging with this bonehead Ohioan named Joe. For chrissakes, John, get ahold of yourself. Can't you feel your IQ plunging by the day? Between the stupid Minnesotans who think Barack is an Arab, the pussbag Wisconsinites who are scared of Barack, 150 lbs ringing wet, and that moose eating Alaskan you've been hangin' with, your dignity is fast leaving you.

By the way, the headline from the Onion is from 1993. Holy Nostradamus!

Five days to go. Please, John, go out with class. Jettison that so-called plumber, break up with that Alaskan GILF, stop reverting back to the 1950's, and tell Sean Hannity to kiss your ass. You may even win if you do that. Win back your self respect at least.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Well At Least Nebraska's Safe, Maybe!

6 Days to go and even the leather skinned folks in Arizona are jumping off the McCain Covered Wagon. The Arizona Republic shows McSame is up 2 points and Barack Obama Show, with special guest Bill Clinton, hasn't even aired yet (Tonight at 7 Central). Jesus, between his fighting with Obama, his fighting with his dingbat running mate, his fighting with his 72 year old broken down body, his fighting with Bush, and Cindy's immense beer holdings being wiped out, I almost feel sorry for the poor bastard.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Alaskans For Obama!

One week to go and even Ted Stevens' girlfriend has jumped ship. Nice scarf. Did you get that at Neiman's or off Obama's website?

Friday, October 24, 2008

Mirror Mirror On The Wall!

The absolute outrage over Rep. Jack Murtha's assertion that Western Pennsylvania is full of racists and rednecks. Preposterous!

20 year old Ashley_Todd_ of Texas, a McCain volunteer, asserted that while getting money at an ATM in Pittsburgh, a city in Western Pennsylvania, a big, black man attacked her, saw the McCain sticker on her car, and came back to carve a B in her grill to "teach her a lesson". Ashley of Texas didn't bother calling police for about 45 minutes after the incident in Western Pennsylvania.

Now, the Western Pennsylvania Police aren't stupid. Ashley of Texas had a backwards B barely carved into her mug, kind of like what a really stupid criminal would do looking into a mirror. Ashley, mirrors reflect backwards. D'OHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Karl Rove has officially flunked you out of Dirty Tricks University.

Jesus, how freaking desperate are these nuts getting? Now they're going all Susan Smith on the country. Get this over with.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

He's Too Heavy, He's My Kid!

Sometime last year, one of those young girls, so frightened by their religious upbringing, so frightened by what their parents would say or do, hid her pregnancy for 9 months, had the baby in a bathroom, and dropped the newborn off in laundry basket at a local hospital. In 49 states, this desperate action could have been avoided because they all have safe haven laws, which make it legal for someone to drop a newborn at a safe place so it doesn't end up in a dumpster while Mom boogies at the Prom. Nebraska had no such law so what this young girl did was a crime. So Nebraska, bringing up the rear as usual, decided to do something about it.

The Nebraska Legislature, a one body house, a group of 48 rich ranchers, farmers and lawyers and one barber named Ernie_Chambers who kept them in line put their empty heads together and came up with a Safe Haven Law. The final version of the law, passed out of committee and onto the floor of the unicameral over the objections of the barber, was passed 48-1. It stated that it was now legal to drop a newborn off at a safe place, like a hospital, right up until the newborn was 18. No, not 18 days, or 18 months, but 18 years. The barber, as he's always said since 1970, proclaimed "you will be sorry".

Well, the Barber was correct as usual. The rest of the nation is now using Nebraska as a dog pound. 21 teenagers have been dumped in the last two months by people who can't handle them any longer. One mother drove from Michigan to dump a 14 year old she didn't want any longer. It's getting ridiculous. Even for Nebraska.

Our chinless, diminutive Governor seems to think it's not all that big of a deal. He's too busy keeping 63 year old educators with bad reputations like Bill Ayers (gasp!) out of the state to do anything about this nationwide dumping of kids on our doorstep.

So come on, America, got a smart assed kid you screwed up through lousy parenting? Dump them here in Nebraska. Never mind that Boystown is already here, just drop them off at the hospital and head back home and maybe you can catch the new episode of Super Nanny.

Monday, October 20, 2008

What's The Matter With Minnesota?

The whistling sound you hear is not the cold winds of a Minnesota autumn but the air blowing through the ears of one Michele Bachmann (R-MN). You think Sarah Palin is a dimbulb, you aint heard nuthin' till you've heard this dingbat speak. On MSNBC over the weekend,Representative Bachman told CHRIS MATTHEWS that she wanted the media to investigate every member of Congress to determine who is "pro-america" and who is "anti-american". I assume she believes herself to be on the 'pro-america" side.

What is with these cold weather women politicians? Have they had their brains frozen? Do they need a jump-start? Michele Bachmann once french-kissed George Bush on his way out of the State of the Union speech. Dial it up on youtube.

Minnesota has a rich tradition of really progressive politicians. That is until lately. Jesse Ventura? This airhead? Maybe they right the wrong by sending Al Franken to the Senate. Oh to watch Bill O'Reilly's melon head explode!

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Wizards 3 Cavaliers 1!

In the second game of the freaking cold doubleheader, the Cavs were beaten by the Wizards for the second time in a week. That's the way it goes. That's Max third from the right hangin out with the chicks.

Thanks to the coaches and players for a great season. See ya next spring. Go Cavaliers!

Cavs 4 Dragons 1!

That's a yellow card for using a helium filled soccer ball! It's our favorite ref not calling a penalty kick on the Cavs as Max #1 wonders how he's supposed to kick that?

Victories have been rare lately for the Cavs, but in the first game of a chilly doubleheader, the Cavaliers hammered the Dragons 4-1. The only Dragon goal came on , you got it, the 7th penalty kick in 3 games called against the Cavs. Cold, man, cold.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Can We Replace Ayers With A Real American Like G Gordon Liddy?

In the fine tradition of Freedom Of Speech, The University of Nebraska-Lincoln has crawled into the fetal position and cancelled an appearance by everybody's favorite 60's radical, Bill Ayers. Ayers, a University of Chicago professor specializing in improving education, was scheduled to speak sometime in November in Lincoln. However, the shiite hit the fan when the people of this state found out about it. Politicians, a group of people much more hideous than any 40 year old radical group, all began crowing as loudly as they could to stop this invasion of their fine state by this mad bomber. Our chinless, dimunitive Governor, the former liberal scofflaw Attorney General (who once equated gay marriage with "marrying your chair"), the backbenching Congressional delegation, the so-called Democratic Senator and numerous members of the Board of Rodents, errr, Regents all went into apoplexy over this 63 year old guy setting foot in our fine state. So the University cancelled the speech.
Back about 100 years or so, when I was at the university, one Jane Fonda came to town causing a similar temper tantrum by the 1977 version of those weasels we have running things now. Oh no, wait a minute, it didn't. Oh sure, there were some who worried when Jane spoke, their little daughters would move to Hollywood and win an Oscar or something. Hanoi Jane spoke, people applauded, and she went home. No building collapsed. The football stadium, the only thing these people really care about, remained the dump it is today.
The news media created this mess. I would bet that not one of the fine folks who e-mailed death threats to the Chancellor know who Bill Ayers is. That he was never convicted of anything. That he actually regrets many of his actions. But that's not important. The boneheads who make up local news go all Levitra over anything not involving house fires and traffic accidents. They beat this thing into the ground. They showed Ayers' picture. Guess which one they showed? Over and over. They suck. Go back to covering kittens in trees and showing grainy surveillance photos of Kum & Go thieves.

That Pedey Virus May Be Incurable!

Yeah I know, Dr.House couldn't even diagnose the illness that has decimated the Husker football program the last few years, though he has come close enough that he's narrowed it down to a virus out of Pittsburgh. Last week Nebraska played well enough to beat a Top 10 team, Texas Tech, but lost anyway. That virus again. They covered the spread and dropped us to 6-1. Time to jump off the Husker bandwagon as they play at Iowa State.

Iowa is favored by 3 1/2 points over Wisconsin. Iowa shouldn't be favored over anybody, including Nebraska. Take the Badgers and the points.