Friday, November 28, 2008

The Flag Football Field Is Over There!

Oh it used to be fun when Nebraska played Colorado. That goddamned buffalo Ralphie, the tough play on the field, the Big 12 North at stake, the profanity, the urine bombs, the battery chucking, the assault and battery, the riots, the drunks. Oh the memories. Last year Nebraska took control of this series by racking up 51 points on the Buffaloes out in Boulder. What? Oh yeah, CU racked up 65 points but now we're nitpicking. In 2005, the CU student section out in Boulder became so irate that Bill Callahan was actually beating them, and who could blame them, they threw so much crap onto the field they all got thrown out.

But today, the Buffs come to Lincoln and Nebraska should rack up 51 points again. But this time CU won't be close to 65. More like 14 or 17 or maybe 21. So after out Texas Tech debacle last week we drop to 8-5 on the year. So bet Nebraska, give the 18, and enjoy Buffalo meat.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving Everybody!

We get to go and eat at a nursing home today with Mom. Sounds great. Have a good day.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Ann Coulter's Adam's Apple Hits The Disabled List!

Apparently right wing bony bulimic Ann Coulter has taken a tumble down some stairs and busted her constantly flapping jaw. It's wired shut! She can't talk? Oh Lord Up In Heaven, it's an early Christmas for those of us with sense and decent vision. For the crowd that looks at her picture with one hand on the keyboard and one hand on the Coulter, so sorry, boys.
I shouldn't be happy that Anorexic Annie hurt herself, but jesus, next time try not to go down some stairs three sheets to the wind, carrying a whiskey bottle in one hand, a smoke in the other, and a Ronald Reagan love doll over your shoulder.
I'd buy those stairs a drink, but I'm sure the booze is gone on a nightly basis at the Coulter Cavern.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Hailing From Parts Unknown, Alan The Punching Bag Colmes!

In the old days of professional wrestling, the kind that took place in your local TV studio and involved overweight, hairy guys posing as Nazis and Arabs and Russians and Jungle Dwellers, there were guys called "jobbers". Jobbers would wrestle the famous wrestler on TV, look good for awhile and then inevitably lose. Week in and week out, these jobbers would appear on local matches and lose so the famous wrestler could promote the upcoming Texas Death Match at the local arena.

Say goodbye to the Kenny "Sodbuster" Jay of Fox News, Alan "Jobber" Colmes. Every night, for the last few years, Colmes would show up, take a seat next to the Irish blowhard, Sean Hannity, put up a half assed battle, and then succumb to the force of Hannity's conservative claw hold. Finally, Alan Colmes has had enough of hacking for Hannity. He's leaving Fox News, presumably to take a long shower. I just hope on Colmes' last night, he takes a folding chair to the noggin of Hulk Hannity and pins him once and for all.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Breaker 1-9 Breaker 1-9 This Is Principal Skinner, Are Ya Out There, Teddy Bear?

That's my brother, Kevin, out there on the left coast. A highly respected educator, he just cannot get over his real love, talking to truckers on his Hy Gain CB radio.

I'm No Mangino, But I'm Workin' On It!

Mike Leach is one goofy sucker. He launches into a diatribe on porn flicks while attempting to explain his offense. He somehow relates an overtime win over Nebraska to being with Sharon Stone. He goes for a 4th and 10 from his own 27 in the first quarter at Kansas State. The guy is plain loco. But he wins. He wins in Lubbock, Texas and tonight he plays in Norman, Oklahoma.

Last week the improving Huskers beat the shiite out of Kansas State and covered the 7 points. We move to 8-4 on the year. This week see above. Texas Tech gets 7 points at Oklahoma. Strap yourself in and go with Tech. I can't wait.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Bless Me Father, For You Have Sinned!

The Vatican has forgiven John Lennon this week. What for, you ask? Well back in 1966 or so, while John and Paul and George and Ringo were selling millions and millions of Beatles albums to kids, he had the audacity to state the obvious. He claimed that the Beatles were "more popular than Jesus". Well duh! It actually was one of his least creative statements. It offended nobody over the age of reason. But man oh man, Katie bar the door, did it offend future George W Bush voters and the scam artists who rule their lives. There were Southern Baptists and scummy radio deejays out there on the teevee bulldozing Revolver and burning Meet The Beatles. Now THAT, my friends, is the real outrage.
The Vatican , perpetrator of so many violations of the racketeering statutes, has suddenly decided to "forgive" Mr. Lennon's ghost? Now I am a veteran of years and years of Catholic indoctrination and I have no memory of this subject ever coming up. In fact, I remember singing Hey Jude in 1968 during 7th grade music class. So what in the eff are they talking about back in Rome? Who knows?
So my advice to the Vatican is this. You used to be cool. Well as cool as a religious cult could be. Don't get down into the pit with the snake handlers and the tongue talkers and the Christers. It's smelly down there. You're better than that. Forgiving long dead geniuses for something you never cared about anyway is just plain dumb. It only reminds people of your crimes that nobody has forgiven you for. Tread lightly.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

The Omaha Blues Feel So Good!

I have voted for Jimmy Carter, John Anderson, Walter Mondale, Michael Dukakis, Bill Clinton twice, Al Gore, John Kerrey and Barack Obama in my lifetime of Presidential tallies. Hey there's a couple of winners in there, perhaps four winners had there been no Florida or Ohio cheats. But until 2008, I really had never voted for a winner. Because of the antiquated electoral college system, my vote for a Democrat in the red state of Nebraska never counted. And it never would have, except for a law passed dividing the electoral votes of this state up by congressional district.

There are three districts in Nebraska. The First District consists of Lincoln and unfortunately, about another 200,000 genetic Republicans in such bastions of progress like Fairbury, Seward and Eagle. So when Lincoln votes Democratic, the rest of the district overwhelms it with their Republican disease. The Third District is hopeless. Full of dying, dusty, small towns that won't be around in 50 years, these gun nuts and Jesus freaks vote Republican because Daddy and Grandaddy told 'em too.

The Second District consists of Omaha and a county (Sarpy) so full of military retirees that they often refer to their own families as Maggot and the Numbnuts. For years the Omaha Democratic vote was buried by Maggot and the Numbnuts and the Republican occupation. But this year was different. Despite Sarge and the platoon's votes, the force was overrun by the Omaha insurgency and Barack Obama, the leader of the Omaha terrorists, WON!

My vote counted. For perhaps the only time ever, it counted. See the little jut out to the west of Iowa. That's me. I counted. Suck that, Maggot!

Friday, November 14, 2008

But Coach Callahan Told Me To Put My Helmet On Like This!

Nebraska actually beat a decent team last week. Colder than Dick Cheney's heart and attended by Max & Max's Dad in Lincoln, the Huskers took out Kansas 45-35. This week it's down to Manhattan, Kansas and the Kansas State Lame Ducks. It should be win number 7.
Last week those K-Staters scored two late TD's on Missouri and covered so we lost our bet bringing us down to 7-4 on the season. Look, K-State has a coach who's already been fired and he's still coaching, they are 4-6 and have nothing to play for. Nebraska is improving and should easily cover that 7 point spread. Bet the Huskers.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Another Shocker From W!

The guy just remains clueless, doesn't he? I'll bet Laura, or Condi, won't let him anywhere near them.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

God Gives The Old Terrorist Fist Bump!

Man, I gotta tell you, if that famous painting, revered by Christians all over the world, doesn't show you God doesn't give a rat's ass if two gay people get married or not, well you are beyond hope.

I really don't care what your so-called God says to you in that book of fairy tales you refer to, but it's coming. Just like a black President eventually showed up, gay marriage is coming. You cannot stop it.

So here's the deal, brothers and sisters, back in the 1960's, there was a clan of people verbally and in some cases, violently, opposed to civil rights for black people. These people are looked on with disdain nowadays. These chinless crackers wasted their youth hating others and now they're old and hopefully remorseful. That's you homophobes now. In 10 years you will be laughed at while the rest of us will be content in the knowledge that we were in the forefront of supporting the granting yet another oppressed minority the rights they should have had since 1783.

So choose sides, folks. Be over here on the right side, or be over there with the Phelps Family and its minions. It's up to you. God loves us all, right?

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Up Above The Student Section Is The Ghost Section!

One of the biggest stories in college athletics is the pride the University of Nebraska takes in it's alleged 290 straight sellouts at it's tomb-like football stadium. That's right, 290 straight times since 1962, the old cement structure has had every seat filled, every ticket sold, and every nut in Nebraska in attendance. I've been going there since 1963, when my Dad brought me to see the Huskers play South Dakota State. As you can see, their schedule hasn't improved much over time.

But this "sellout" nonsense is just that. Nonsense. What's that up there in the corner of the South Stadium at the start of the game? Yeah, it's nobody. Three sections, at least 20 rows. Fuzzy math would tell me that's at least 1200 or so seats. Who bought them? What corporation or booster got the phone call Saturday morning telling them exactly how many seats they had to pay 5 bucks apiece for?

Come on Husker fan. It's bogus. It's been bogus since the late 1980's when the same thing happened. It's simple economics. At some point, in a state of 1.5 million people, in a lousy economy, filling 85,000 seats at a football game at $65 apiece to see a lousy opponent becomes virtually impossible. Let it go. It's over.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Is That Larry Craig In There?

Joe Lieberman may be a pariah to the Democrats. He may be a traitor. He may be the kiss of death to whomever he's trying to help, right Al Gore? However, Joe Lieberman isn't the same as that wacky Hee Haw reject, Zell Miller. Miller, the loony Georgia Senator who railed against John Kerrey at the 2004 Republican Convention while rolling his eyes and throwing his arms around was a nut. A kook. Joe Lieberman is a man who feels he was betrayed by his party. Joe's brain was warped by 9/11 much like Dennis Miller, Ron Silver, Dennis Hopper, and many other formerly clear thinking people. When your brain warps, you don't think clearly and you believe invading the wrong country is super duper. Had FDR responded to Pearl Harbor by invading, oh I don't know, New Zealand, guys like Lieberman would have hollered " to get those kiwi eaters!"
But Joe Lieberman is worth saving. He is a champion of civil rights, women's rights, gay rights, and just a bit off when it comes to the Iraq War.

My advice to Harry Reid, and the rest of you Democrats suddenly in power. Step back and think. Democrats like Nebraska's own Ben Nelson are much more conservative than Joe Lieberman. You may need Joe The Plumber, Harry. Think!

Hey,Send The Hot Dog Schlinger Over Here!

The Kansas Jayhawks and their Biggest Loser coach come to town and something has to break, besides the bench Mark Mangino sits down on. The last two weeks, I have witnessed Kansas get bludgeoned by Texas Tech and the Huskers get kicked in the grapes by Oklahoma. This week, Max and Max's Dad will be in Lincoln. Somebody has to win, right?

Nebraska failed to cover last week, maybe didn't even show up, so we fall to 7-3 on the year. This week Missouri gets to blast another Big 12 North team, the coachless Kansas State Mildkitties. Give the 27 points and take Mizzou.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Can't He Move In Early?

I sobbed last night. Now that's not really much for me to admit, since I cry when a new bookstore opens somewhere close to me. But really sobbing is rare. The Rodney King riots made me sob. The death of George Harrison made me sob. The death of my Dad made me sob. The birth of Max made me sob. The death of my dog, Pete, made me sob and last night, when Barack Obama spoke, I sobbed. Go ahead and call me a wuss, but the sight of a million people cheering, Jesse Jackson crying, and Barack Obama making me feel like I've never felt before as an adult, hopeful and proud for America, made me sob. It was a short one, but it was a sob. A happy sob.

It's all about Max. Being born into this world is rough and things are not getting better. I am scared for him. For the last eight years, and especially the last five, I have nightmares about kids Max's age dying in foreign wars so some selfish dink can drive a Hummer. I have nightmares of kids with no hope turning to drugs and crime and turning into lost human beings rotting in jails. I have nightmares of kids turning against my generation for bankrupting them and forcing them to support our narcissism. I have nightmares...........

Bobby Kennedy was an inspiration to so many before they killed him. I was too young to really know what that kind of inspiration meant. I am still haunted by his murder to this day. It's more of an 11 year old being shocked by the senselessness of it all that burnt into my memory bank than the death of hope like it was to people 10 years older than me.

Last night was my Bobby Kennedy. After years of failed leadership and disappointment, could this really be different? Is Barack Obama the guy? Jesus, I hope so. When Bill Clinton won in 92, I wasn't as happy about his election as I was happy to see conservatives squirm. It was so much Schadenfreude back then. Last night I couldn't have cared less about Republican despair. Screw them. I was hopeful for this country. 24 hours later, I still am.

This cynical SOB is ready to chant. Yes We Can! Thank you America!

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Who The Frack Is That?

I swear to you I will never, ever type this dingbat's name again.

That Whole Palin Thing Was A Joke, My Friends!

Thanks Senator McCain, you finally bought your soul back.
It's today. Send him to DC and send HER back north.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Get The Secret Service Over Here!

One day to go.

When you vote tomorrow, just think of what you see above. A vote for McCain is a vote for that disaster he's hugging.

How can that above scene happen? Why would he hug that sonavabitch who destroyed him in 2000? Why? Good God, Senator, that incident pictured above should cost you the Presidency AND your Senate seat. Hugging a guy who has damned America through actions is far worse than being pictured with a preacher who damns America in rhetoric.

Just remember this on Tuesday. This corrupt and criminal administration must end. The only way to do that is vote for Barack Obama. Please.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Local Yokel Makes Good!

Think of your local news teams. Have a bigger bunch of boneheads ever permeated your television with their mindless chatter and their pretend like for each other in between the car accident, fire, and squirrels on water ski stories? Get beyond the bleach blondes and the helmet haired anchors. Get beyond the weather chicks and the geeks who get stiffies over weather warnings. Think of your former jock or person too stupid to be stupid enough to be reporting the news. This is the sports guy. The guy who really has no idea why anyone cares who's running for Senator or Governor if the Huskers are losing.
This is Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin's goal in life was to be on ESPN. Too bad she didn't succeed because now she's threatening to matter. That cannot happen. Nobody and I mean nobody who has ever said the words " he....goes....all....the...way" or "he shoots, he scores" or " I'm just a hackey mom" on television should ever be in a position of power. With your vote, that won't happen.
2 days to go.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

I'm John McCain And You Betcha I Approved This Message!

Three days to go and poor John McCain seems to have morphed into his dingbat runnin' mate. I hear he's sayin' doggone it and you betcha and startin' to drop the r's. Oh Senator McCain, even the 2000 version of you dingin' around in your head is votin' for the Marxist, Socialist, Muslim terrorist named Barack Hussein Obama.

Pallin' around with domestic terrorists like Todd Palin? Come on, John, please get ahold of yourself.

So Long Studs!

Another of my favorite authors died this weekend. Studs Terkel, the fantastic listener and author, lasted until age 96 before leaving this earth deft of yet another genius.

You all now his works on race, working stiffs, and the wonderful oral history of WW II, The Good War. If not, he played the crusty old sportswriter in the best baseball movie ever, John Sayles' Eight Men Out. Studs Terkel was an American original. The guy was impossible to dislike.

Vonnegut, Wallace, Mailer, Studs. All gone now. Damn.