Monday, December 30, 2013

Top Cat!

Is there anything happier than this cat? I don't think so.

Sports mascots can be great. Sports mascots can be horrible. I still have nightmares over the Florida Atlantic Owl and that flat headed Wisconsin Badger. Coming from a state whose mascots include a flea bitten mangy farmer, a blow up bubble boy, a crazed Bluejay and a cow, I appreciate a good mascot.

The NFL doesn't have a lot of mascots because, well it's a professional league not some bush league rah rah college league. That long haired Viking is ok. A piece of cheese on your head is not. That creepy horsehead in Denver is awful. The felons who congregate at Raider games are great, since the authorities know where they are for that 4 hours. Those guys dressed like Revolutionary War soldiers at Patriot games are cool, unless I'm mistaking them for some tea party freaks who like football.

But that cat at Bengal games. Damn, he's a happy cat. That enthusiasm is catchy. Look at him and I dare you not to smile. It makes me want to feed him some milk. Or perhaps top off his Jack Daniels cuz now that I think about it, no mascot is ever that happy unless it's half in the bag. Or smoking some catnip. Shit, in fact, Go Chargers!

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Readin' And Writin' Wit Da Palins!

What would the holiday season be without some ignorant ramblings from the Alaska trailer trash Palins? Oh thank goodness we have Bristol Palin, chip off the old block, jumping into the Duck Dynasty deal. Bristol, the Palin single mom of the moment, that is until Willow or Tree or whatever the fuck that next daughter's goofy name is decides to let the next Levi into her snowpants, has made her Phil Robertson thoughts known:

"I think it's so hypocritical how the LGBT community expects every single flippen person to agree with their life style. This flies in the face of what makes America great — people can have their own beliefs and own opinions and their own ways of life. I hate how the LGBT community says it's all about 'love' and 'equality,However, if you don't agree with their lifestyle, they spread the most hate. It is so hypocritical it makes my stomach turn."

Wow, do her and Mommy have the same ghost writer? And is she knocked up again if her stomach turns over something she probably never reads? Hey, but the wisdumb from Bristol aint done yet:

"If I were Duck Dynasty, I would take my show to another channel,So much disrespect."

Disrespect. Yep, that's what the Palins know the most about. Cuz direspectin' and all dat is just hatin on da good people who read the Bible and stuff. Ya know, like those parts of the Bible where the blacks are singin and dancin while they picked the cotton for da nice white guy who gave em the job. Ya know, da job creators.

Man, the dumb in that family makes it no wonder that Trigger Palin is screaming for help whenever he gets the chance.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Jack Kingston, All American Asshat!

And one more thing. If Phil Robertson the Duck Blower thinks he's all alone vying for Asshole of the Week, meet Rep Jack Kingston (Dog Molester-Ga). Representative Kingston, a frequent guest moron on Bill Maher, said that poor children should not get free lunches unless they kick in a dime or a quarter or grab a broom a sweep shit up because they have to learn that there is no free lunch, unless of course you're a congressman getting handjobs and lunch from lobbyists.

Kingston, who apparently likes watching his fellow Georgian Bob Barr (Half Black-Ga) make out with a bulldog, wants to be the Republican Senate nominee from Georgia in 2014 by being an even bigger dick than Paul Broun (Creationism Weirdo-Ga)a) or Karen Handel (Die Slut Die-Ga), the fireplug who almost single handedly killed the Susan B Komen Foundation by fucking around with Planned Parenthood by denying funding for pap smears and mammograms and commie shit like that.

So far, Jack, it's a close race to see who can be more dickish, but after today, you may actually be in the lead. Yeah you kids over in the sand with flies buzzing your head, get your asses to work. And consider yourselves lucky your mama didn't abort you. Jack says so.

Dick Dynasty!

No idea who this guy is. None. I've heard of his show, I've seen his picture and I sort of know they blow duck calls, which is kind of gay in itself, but this Phil Robertson character is apparently a 67 year old redneck who doesn't much care for sin and sinners. He just doesn't get why some guy would prefer a man's anus to a woman's vagina and he said it to an interviewer in GQ. GQ???? So Phil says this shit to a guy from GQ? Did he think it stood for Guns N Queers?

Phil has gone and got hisself suspended from A&E for dissing the anus lovers who of course run the whole media, along with the Jews of course. And the people who watch this show which again, I have no idea what goes on in this show other than blowing ducks, are outraged! Gosh darn it, liberal media, you fags went and done it this time. Suspending a Gawd fearing Baptist like Phil. Phil used to drink like a fish, beat his family, commit crimes, hide from the revenuers in the woods and then he found Jeeeeeeezus. Jesus, does this story sound familiar. The wretch that was Phil Robertson found Gawwwwwd and now he wants everybody to be just like him. A confused bigot.

Hey, if Phil wants to hate on the gays and be their judge and jury, big fucking deal. There's millions of those idiots out there. But the OTHER thing Phil said that pisses me off is this:

“I never, with my eyes, saw the mistreatment of any black person. Not once. Where we lived was all farmers. The blacks worked for the farmers. I hoed cotton with them. I’m with the blacks, because we’re white trash. We’re going across the field. … They’re singing and happy. I never heard one of them, one black person, say, ‘I tell you what: These doggone white people’ — not a word! Pre-entitlement, pre-welfare, you say: Were they happy? They were godly; they were happy; no one was singing the blues,”

Well Goll-EEEEEEEE! Phil's one of them necks who think that blacks were happier when the white man was telling them what to do. For free. Chrissakes, go on Bill O'Reilly and say that and you two can jack each other off, Phil. THAT is far worse than Phil's confusion over biology. The biology problem is teachable. The yeah them blacks were singing and jiving and happy as a welfare mom on the first of the month attitude is not. That's Sarah Palin dumb. And that is permanent.

There's petitions and crap out there from Phans of Phil demanding the mo's who suspended Phil reinstate him. They are OUTRAGED at this violation of the First Amendment!!! I'd sign it, but I couldn't find any petitions out there demanding Martin Bashir and Alec Baldwin be reinstated to the airwaves so fuck Phil and his Phans. As the Duck says, Blow me!

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Pope Hope!

Happy Birthday Pope Francis The Best Pope Ever The First. Did the Pope get a giant birthday cake and a lot of presents? Nahhh.... The Pope took in 4 homeless bums and a homeless bum dog to help him celebrate his 77th birthday because he's a Marxist and probably gay. The homeless scum sang him Happy Birthday while the dog probably scavenged off the Vatican floor because he's a lazy ass canine hanging around Italian takers.

The Pope was recently named Man of The Year by Time (which proves he's a lefty loon) and then by the Advocate (which proves his swishyness). The Advocate naming the Pope Man of the Year has caused a shitload of couch fainting not only among the people who have no idea what the Advocate is, but by some of the Advocate's loyal readers who somehow think a magazine naming a Man of the Year actually means something. Hey, The Pope isn't the second coming of Saint Sebastian or anything, but the fact he fired a bigoted American Cardinal named Raymond Burke for being a regal pain in the ass with his anti gay, anti abortion ranting has to mean something, right? Oh ok, maybe not Man of the Year shit, but certainly an honorable mention,maybe?. Besides, now the Advocate will sell lots and lots of copies and get lots and lots of hits from both people who think it advocates Catholicism and has a centerfold of Mother Angelica AND from irate readers who can type out hateful posts because they hate all the hate so much.

To get back to the Pope, who sends tingles down my retired Catholic leg sometimes, he spent his birthday with four homeless dudes and a dog. Did you get that:

a) Rick "Ewww" Santorum
b)John "Raging" Boehnerh
b) Sam " Ewww Again" Brownback
c) Jeb "Go Away" Bush
d) Newtie "the Annulment" Gingrich
e) Bobby "the Page" Jindal
f) Antonin "The Don" Scalia
g) Clarence "Uncle" Thomas
h) David "the Diaper" Vitter
i) Jeff "Who the Fuck is He" Fortenberry (Nobody-Ne)
j) Sam "Four Eyes" Alito
k) John "No No No" Roberts
l) Bill O The Clown
m) Marco "Cuba Si Castro No" Rubio

Did ya get that, American Catholic politicians? The Pope spent his birthday with the homeless and a fuckin dog! That's after he heads out on the streets of Rome at night to minister to the poor, drives a used Renault, lives in a studio apartment, refuses to condemn atheists and gays, and used to work as a bouncer.

Clearly a freakin Marxist. Who would do that if he wasn't a commie? Uhhhhhhhhhh, oh yeah, THAT freakin guy.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

One Tin Soldier Rides Away!

Hey I know Peter O'Toole was a better actor, in better movies, and probably drank better but Billy Jack kicked more redneck ass in the movies and in 1971 that was more important to me.

Tom Laughlin died Thursday at age 82. Shit, I thought Billy Jack was indestructible. Well he is, but Tom Laughlin isn't. So long ,Tom, you gave me hours and hours of fun at the old Cinema Center movie theater when we would go see Billy Jack every freakin weekend back in '71.

And so long to Peter O'Toole. Seeing Lawrence of Arabia about 20 years ago on a Cinerama screen at the old Indian Hills Theater was one of the best movie going experiences I've ever had. They closed that place to build a parking lot years ago. Seeing a movie adventure like Lawrence of Arabia on a huge screen cannot happen any longer cuz corporate movie chains would never allow just one screen because 5 screens running Anchorman 2 constantly is what it's all about now.


Friday, December 13, 2013


1)Christ, America's most rocking psychopath is turning 65 years old today. Welcome to Taker Land to Ted Nugent where you too have become a Medicare sucking teabagger. Nugent, who is not in jail nor dead as far as I know, recently celebrated the 1 year anniversary of the NRA's favorite holiday, the Sandy Hook child slaughter, by scribbling another incoherent column for World Nut Daily and blaming the victim. Hey, had Adam Lanza's dead mother not taught him how to shoot, well then he'd have missed a lot and only a few would have been massacred. Well anyway, Happy Birthday to this poopy pantsed draft dodging shit for brains. And you're welcome for the health care.

2) Movies are better than ever (except for that upcoming go the fuck away already Anchorman 2) and one that had me running the gamut of emotions from anger to tears was Dallas Buyers Club. Hey this may not be cool to say, but Matthew McConaughey is one goddamned good actor. Playing a redneck asshole who weighs about 120 pounds and contracts HIV back in 1985, McConaughey, who is virtually unrecognizable, is beyond good in this 2 hour film. The theme may be about the stigma of AIDS in the 1980's but the real story is the transformation of a jerk with no purpose to a jerk with a purpose. McConaughey's Oscar worthy performance is supported by another Oscar worthy performance by Jared Leto as Rayon, a transsexual with drug problems and by Jennifer Garner as a sympathetic doctor who helps these two get unapproved drugs from abroad for AIDS patients fed up with the FDA and its sucking up to Big Pharma. Hey, this movie isn't easy to watch at times but when it's over, damn, you got your money's worth.

3)Pope Francis is going all commie again with his whole help the poor spiel that so pisses off Catholic conservatives convinced white Jesus voted for Mitt Romney's ancestor, King Herod Romney, back in 0-30. Pope Francis early released his message for the new year by stressing brotherhood and sharing the wealth and all that stuff $30,000 a year Republicans are always bitching about. Come on, everybody, we all know that white Jesus was a big trickle down guy who taught the masses to just wait and wait and eventually Caesar's job creating will get to Nazareth and they would all be the crucifiers instead of the crucified. Hey. Pope, I still think the whole Catholicism thing is a misogynistic, homophobic crock of shit, but everytime you speak, a little bit of my repressed Catholicism gets restless. Be careful, Pope, cuz we all know what happened after white Jesus threw the Wall Street types out of the temple.

4)Finally, rest in peace to Loretta Fuddy, state health director in Hawaii who was killed in a plane crash. Ohhhhhhhh really? Fuddy was the state official who verified Barry Hussein Nobama's birth certificate back in 2011 and sent Birthers even deeper into their own mental illnesses. She also helped create Hawaii's Obammycare exchange (cue yelling and screaming about clusterfucks). So of course, Obama had her killed. This according to straw haired reality star
Donald Trump and Russian "dentist" Orly Taitz. Yep, in the twisted minds of Obama haters, the woman who helped him out in both birth certificate nonsense and the complete 100% horribly failed Obamacare was murdered by him.

Why again, in between panels debating fictional characters skin color, does the liberal media even mention these people's names? Oh yeah, because Americans are getting dumber by the day. Say, has Sarah Palin said anything about that terrorist Mandingo yet?

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Tiny Brain Overload!

There ya go, wingnuts. Two conservative wet dreams all in one day. Obama shaking hands with a commie's bro and Obama hittin on a white woman while the bitter angry Moochelle seethes. Goddamn, what will you all do tomorrow?

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Brains In Jail!

Nelson Mandela was a fuckin saint. Trust me on this, I am such a misanthrope most of the time that when somebody comes along who penetrates my cynical shell I go all in on them and Mandela was one of few I would have thrown my entire moral fortune on.

Mandela's story is well known and I can't bore people with a rehash of his looooooong imprisonment for whatever the fuck the South African government convicted him of. Oh yeah, I know, it's whatever the CIA told them to convict him of.

But back to the negative cuz that's what I'm all about.

Bill O'Reilly. This stuffed shirt seems to think calling Mandela a "communist" somehow will keep his 70 plus demo satisfied that ol' Bill aint getting soft on these coloreds. And speaking with Rick Santorum about the death of Mandela is so absurd it's hard to come up with an equivalent. Oh I don't know, let's say it's similar to a tea party member talking with a squirrel about quantum physics at a publicly funded park.

Santorum, in prime dopey form, took the opportunity to equate the injustice done to Mandela to Obamacare being an equal injustice to you and me. Goddamn, this guy is a fucking moron. Sometimes I think O'Reilly, in all his bombastic efforts to cover up his own insecurities, puts guys like Santorum or the equally dense John Stossel on the air just so he can feel brainy or something. We already know why he puts Coulter or Monica Crowley on. Hubba hubba, Billy. I feel for the Fox News cleaning crew who has to dump O'Reilly's tissue laden wastebasket after a Crowley appearance.

Rick Clark, a Sheriff in South Carolina somewhere, refused to lower the American flag to half staff to honor Mandela cuz Mandela wasn't an American or something. And because one black guy ordered him to lower the flag to honor another black guy I'm sure. This Pickens County piss ant really isn't worth any more attention so good luck enforcing all the laws he chooses to enforce. Good choice for sheriff.

Rush Limbaugh bashed Obama. What's new? Obama wishes he was Mandela said the loner in the basement when in fact Mandela is more like Clarence Thomas. Even Snerdley, Rush's imaginary friend, spit his martini all over the keyboard when he heard that whopper. Clarence Thomas? Mandela? Chrissakes, Clarence Thomas would have narc'ed out Mandela so fast he may have missed a couple of minutes of "Charlize Does Johannesburg". Fuck, Rush. The hearing already went. Get some help.

Sarah Palin? Jesus, for once she didn't say shit. I can only chalk that up to the fact she has to look up who Mandela was and hasn't quite boned up on his "I Have A Dream" speech.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

If I Answer, Do I Get A Participation Medal?

What is it with the millennials? Shit, I don't know what a millennial is. I guess it's a kid under the age of 30, probably drunk, playing Call of Duty and checking their Obama phone every 5 seconds. And for some reason, that bastion of intellectual thought all Republicans hate, Harvard, asked these kiddies a series of questions, in between jello shots of course.

Hey, the 18-30's don't like their precious King Obama any longer. Harrumph, see, Bill O'Reilly was right, children. That Nobama is a ineffective noodle dick and the Republican Congress is just looking out for your future by gumming up everything from lower interest student loans to jobs bills. You idiots were just too stupid to realize the genius that was Mittens Romney, hard working Harvard grad.

Let's examine this highly scientific poll. shall we? Looks like 52% of the 18-24 year olds want to "recall" Barry The Muslim Hussein Osama. Recall? Really? You can do that? I thought that was a tactic common only to hick towns and medium sized cities that long to be hick towns. Wow, ya learn something new every day. Oops, as these drunken sloths get a bit older, like 25-29, the percentage of them who want to sit outside a Wal Mart gathering signatures to recall the Kenyan Usurper they all voted for drops to 40%. Seems you get wiser as you age. Unless of course you join the tea party and then your brain just turns to mush.

So I guess all the youngsters , still insured on the old man's plan to age 26, still with that $20,000 they borrowed from Mommy and Daddy to start a business, cannot stand that Indonesian Madrasa graduate at all. Here's your opening Republicans. The kids are open for indoctrination with all their Obama hatred and stuff.

What's that? The little ingrates said what? Seems 60% of the little bastards 18-29 voted for the Marxist, Obama not the Pope. 84% of those would vote for him again (though I am not sure they realize they can't) because they still understand that Mittens Romney was the boss they never ever want to work for . And this was said through a haze of pot smoke and binge drinking.

So there, Republicans. Keep coming up with stiffs like Mittens, Teddy Cruz (Daddy Issues-Canada) or , god forbid, Rand Paul (Muskrat Head- Ky) and these stoned, drunk millennials will keep on being all confusing to you guys. And all the giant headed Uncle Sams sticking his face in a young hotties crotch or giving away beer koozies with a call to break the law isn't going to help.

Somebody hit Reset. That solves everything, right?