Thursday, January 31, 2013

A Good Walk Spoiled!

Golf is a funny game. Much like bowling, any sport where smoking an drinking are part of the rules 'aint a sport. But every weekend, millions of Lexus driving Mittens Romney wannabees sit around watching a bunch of men hit a tiny white ball around a complete waste of god's green earth trying to get the little ball in a hole. Sounds very Freudian if ya ask me.

Phil Mickelson is a famous golfer. He is the white alternative to the not white Tiger Woods. They do share common ground however in the fact both of them are complete assholes. Phil Mickelson, also known as Lefty, not because of his politics but because he's one of those left handed freaks, recently complained about his overwhelming job creator type tax burden. Mickelson whined about his alleged 62% tax rate and threatened to take his little white ball and move to Florida where his tax rate would go way down and he could stand his ground and shoot all tax collectors.

The only problem is Mickelson's tax rate isn't even close to 62% and if it is he needs to stop taking his tax returns to H & R Stalin. Mickelson made $61 million last year, mostly from endorsing killer prescription drugs and persuading fat guys to buy golf shit he doesn't use. Wait! What the fore? $61 million? Even at the bogus 62%, Old Lefty would still have about $23 million to stuff in his mattress. Oh the humanity! Now, according the Communist News Network (CNN), who I have absolutely no faith in except now, Philly actually would fork over about 53% at the worst. That leaves Righty about $27 million to bury in his backyard. But in reality, with all the tax dodges available to most millionaires, Phil probably sticks $44 million in his floorboards. Again, Heavens to Betsy, how is he supposed to live?

Golfers are all Republicans. That is a given. They all think because they travel around hauling their clubs in the back of their 1994 Nissan and all money they make is based on performance, you know, like all the rest of us,they should be taxed at 0%. There is no class of people who feel more entitled than golfers. Providing their service to Chablis drinking fans is enough. Walking around like billboards on a golf course, these privileged pricks make most of their money by wearing hats and golf shirts with corporate names emblazoned on them and using golf clubs given to them by other corporations. And that's before they entertain the Audi driving fans that watch them. They do travel from town to town getting free drinks and banging kulat wearing 35 year old women. Hey, it's a tough life these job creators live.

So fuck Phil Mickelson. For that matter fuck Eldrick Woods too. I don't like golf or golfers. Pro golfers anyway. Amateurs are just delusional.

So Doctor, where does my hatred of all things golf come from? Well way back when I was 15, I played golf every fucking day. And then one day, at my parent's 9 hole "country club" I was caught doing something so utterly foul, so un-golfy, so wicked, so against the rules, so awful that I was "suspended" from playing golf for two weeks. That "suspension" continues to this day, 40 years later. As well it should for my complete disregard of all the rules and standards of high society golf back then.

My crime against the beautiful sport of golf? I played a round with 4 other people. Oh gawd it feels good to confess my sins. We played with five people. One over the foursome limit. I am sooooooooo sorry. So sorry I have given myself a lifetime ban. Take that, Lance Armstrong!

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Zero Dark Thirty!

Have you seen Zero Dark Thirty? We saw it this week. And as a knee jerk lib who opposes most every war waged as a profit making endeavor financed by the blood of the poor and ignorant I was prepared to hate this movie. Brainwashed by the teeth gnashing outrage on the left and by chickenhawk congresspeople about the alleged implication that torture works and Dick Cheney's sadistic world view was vindicated, I was prepared to be appalled.

Well guess what? I was not. Got a minute? Let me explain.

The first 20 minutes feature a grizzled CIA thumb breaker doing his thing.
Water boarding some poor Afghan schlub who maybe knew something, jamming him in a tiny box, hitting him in the face, hanging him from the ceiling by his arms. Yeah it was hard to watch but ya know what? It fuckin happened. Not once in this entire excruciating 20 minutes did the guy suddenly blurt out "yep Bin Laden is at some house in Abbotabad". He said nothing. And the entire torturing stuff in the film was eventually thrown away as meaningless bullshit because it didn't work. To think that this movie implies that the torture worked is simply not paying attention at best and at worst, denying reality much like the right does. Don't get into that mindset.

There are other things about this movie I could not believe I was thinking. The CIA is comprised of a lot of selfless do gooders who actually want to make the world safer. Not in the talking reasoning understand why they hate us kind of way I tend to go with, but in the there are some bad motherfuckers out there blinded by superstition and just plain evil and we have to kill them before they hurt innocents again. Yes, it made realize there are people out there who get out of college and don't want to go to Wall Street so they can rob you blind. There are people who for whatever reason, want to stop the evil. And as in the Jessica Chastain character (say hello to Oscar) they end up friendless and jaded. The last scene in the movie is every bit as heartbreaking as the end of Brokeback Mountain which still makes me tear up.

Kathryn Bigelow was not nominated for an Oscar. What a joke. She's a 60 year old woman humping across the world making movies like The Hurt Locker and Zero Dark Thirty and keeping you on the edge of your seat. She is the anti-Gary Marshall who makes feel good bullshit that makes one want to puke. Yet she only gets respect when the Academy wants to stick it to James Cameron's hubris. Nonsense.

Go see Zero Dark Thirty. And be honest. For a few seconds admit that you wish you had joined the CIA and worked on something important. Even admit that for a fleeting second you didn't think "yeah I could slam that fucker around a lil bit". It's not wrong. It's human.

That's what Zero Dark Thirty did for me. It made me feel something. Maybe it wasn't good stuff I felt, but it was something. That's what movies are supposed to do.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Where 51-47 Means A Loss!

Voter suppression didn't work. Chrissakes, those minorities and sluts all stood in line for hours to vote for Obummer just to stick it in the white man's, I mean, Republicans eye. Ok smart guys, the ever changing Republican party has a "new" plan and Virginia is the place to give it a go. You know, Virginia, the place where those dumbfucks who make up West Virginia (so clever!) fled to get away from.

Virginia Republican legislators have concocted a plan to make goddamned sure that no more Dumbocrats ever wins Virginia's precious electoral votes. A bill has passed through a subcommittee to ensure white people determine who becomes Virginia's choice no matter what them urban types say.

The bill would apportion electors by congressional district to the candidate who wins each of the state's 11 districts. The candidate who carries a majority of the districts would also win the two electors not tied to congressional districts. Sen. Charles W. "Bill" Carrico, R-Not Urban, said the change is necessary because Virginia's populous, urbanized areas such as the Washington, D.C., suburbs and Hampton Roads can outvote rural regions such as his, rendering their will irrelevant. What a shame.

Hey Bill, that's how elections work. Somebody actually voted for your dumb ass? I live in a state full of some of the greatest 18th century minds this side of the Missouri River! Now being one of them urbans myself, I regularly get outvoted by rubes and clodhoppers who live west of Lincoln whose genetic makeup forces them to vote for anything featuring that godly inspired R. Yeah it's frustrating knowing people whose very existence is in opposition to mine are winning but what the hell, that's how it works. I could move across the river but that would mean I was an Iowan and that is not acceptable. It's bad enough having a toad like Lee Terry (R-Nerd) being my rep but Steve King (R-Insane)? I'd rather sit in a room listening to Rand Paul drone on about Aqua Buddhas and that Ayn Rand bullshit.

We all know what this is about. It's the Republican party trying to stave off death. If by surviving it means the return of Jim Crow laws well fuck it, that's what it means. These people are so desperate to move backward their next move is to call in Dr. Emmett Brown and Marty McFly.

Hey, I thought the Republican party was going to change. You know, like reach out to the browns and the negroes and the broads and the moes with some bold new ideas that didn't involve keeping them in their fucking place. Guess that's out the window.

These fucking people will never change. They can't. I've said it for years. It's genetic. Installed into their DNA somewhere by a white creator is some sort of Adam complex. We were here first, despite all those casino people, and things only went wrong when the women got all uppity and the urbans came over here on cruise ships and the browns started climbing the walls and the gays recruited all the kids in schools to be gay against their will.

The Republican Party! Old ideas become new again. Like Mittens 1916 Navy idea. And unfortunately, one James Crow if need be.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

POTUS 45 Speaks!

Sean Hannity's worst nightmare showed up on the Hill today to take on the lightweights that compose the Senate Fox News Committee. POTUS #45, oh that's Hillary Clinton by the way, FINALLY came up to face down the intense questioning of some idiot from Wisconsin not named Paul Ryan. That is after she faked that falling and concussing and junk just to avoid the unbearable inquiry of some other idiot from Kentucky not named Mitch McConnell.

Naw, Hillary Clinton aint gonna take your shit like that Kenyan usurper did for 4 years. So there, Ron Johnson, whoever the fuck you are. Who gave you those stupid questions anyway, Ron? Some Fox in the henhouse perhaps?

And you Ron,errrr, Rand Paul. What in the name of John Galt were you talking about as Hillary drank water and ignored you? Comedians, charging stations, lack of security? You mean like when Paul Ryan and his yokels denied the increase in spending on security on overseas embassies? Rand Paul would have relieved her of her duties if he "had been President at the tahhm"? Holy shit! Rand Paul thinks he could be President? That's news right there! Aqua Buddha and his rug being President? Jesus, let me compose myself as I can't stop laughing.

Wow, these Republican egomaniacs are playing with fire here. Hillary should have just hollered as she sat down, "Dont Fuck With Me Fellas!"

Rand Paul and Ron Johnson are nobodies. Blips on the Senate radar screen. Ron Johnson is a one term tea party freak and Rand Paul is a tin foil hat wearing chip off the old block. Johnson ran off to the friendly confines of right wing talk radio to whine that Hillary avoided his questions. No, she took your stupid fucking questions, and shoved them back down your throat. Rand Paul ran off to his government provided proctologist to remove his head from his ass.

John McCain was there too, and glowered and growled how much he didn't like her answers but didn't veer off to Foxland like the clueless Johnson and the paranoid Paul did.

Hey dimbulbs. This isn't Susan Rice you're dealing with here. Hillary Clinton will shred you like documents proving Rand Paul is from outer space and is the bastard spawn of Art Bell and that chick from V. Let's hope it continues as she takes on the hicks and hillbillies from the House.

Goddamn, I haven't enjoyed a woman kicking guys in the balls this much since Billie Jean King sent that old man Bobby Riggs back to his rocking chair back in the 70's. So far it's about a million to love. Hillary, are you related to Serena Williams?

What? Serena lost? In Australia? Great, cmon Rupert Murdoch, you Aussie dildo, Hillary is out for revenge.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Welcome To The Gun Show!

Get to your local gun show fast before that Indonesian gun grabbing usurper elected by gays and minorities and illegals and Acorn gets re inaugurated cuz once he does he's unleashed and will turn into Hitler and Mao and Stalin all in one. And we know all three of those guys grabbed everybody's guns before they started killing patriots who used to be able to fight off tanks and Stukas with their Lugers. How do I know that happened when it really didn't? Well Sean and his cohorts wouldn't lie to me.

You go to a gun show and walk out with a weapon that not only kills a deer but shreds it into a venison chimichanga all in one burst. All over the nation twitching paranoid freaks are waiting in the cold to get in to get fleeced by some profiteering gun seller who will not only sell you a child murder delivery device but listen to your nutty Obama conspiracy theories without laughing. Yeah, they're trained to keep a straight face while you carry on about Sandy Hook being a fraud and crisis actors and not yawning as you say the mandatory "guns don't kill people...." ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Oh, sorry, I would make a lousy gun seller.

The liberal commie press told us 5 people got shot at gun shows all over this great Nobama aint my president nation over the weekend. Emory Cozee , an Indiana staple of a name, shot hisself in the hand with his brand new 45 cuz he forgot about the round still in the chamber. Yep, these are people who know and "respect" guns. Here in rootin tootin Nebraska, "hundreds" of gun enthusiasts whose wives were goddamned ecstatic these camouflaged goofs were gone for the day gathered at the State Capitol in Lincoln to rant about a non existent "problem". The Nebraska legislature has no plans to do anything about guns, unless its to pass a bill to allow fetuses to possess handguns. That band of bolo tied hicks think Ted Nugent is just another hippie peacenick. Gunna, please.

Gun shows. Lots of guns. No background checks. Lots of racist anti-Nobummer funny bumper stickers and T shirts. And thousands of revenge minded crazies ready to knock off all the bad guys that will never bother them. Dammit!

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Obamgo Unchained!

Can these paranoid freaks shoot themselves any more without dying? What the fuck is this? The Child Murder Advocates unleashed this ad which I assume plays in lunatic asylums on a continuous loop or at tea party rallies, whining that because President Blacky McBlackenstein has "armed guards" for his daughters and you don't, that he is an uppity negro who wants all your honky kids to die. Rat On Brother!

The ad itself is laughably Saturday Night Live like but the part that kills me (metaphorically of course)is Barack Hussein Mao Stalin Hitler's fellow "elitists" pictured as he stands over them with his elitist nose up in the air looking down on you peckerwoods.

Well we have Joe Biden, the cloddish bleep, I mean veep, who laughed derisively at that nice boy Paul Ryan as he lied and lied and lied and junk. Then we have what looks like some New York elitist looking guy with his arms all folded and looking all conspiracy like as he secretly plots to take your guns and remove a nativity scene or two from your town square. Looks like his name might end in "berg" if ya know what I mean. Then we have some woman, you know, that wench who isn't Nancy Pelosi but looks like her name might end in "stein" if ya still know what I mean. She's smiling like she just ordered a super secret Obama SWAT team to come to your house and take your 100 round drums. Deer Lover!

And then there's a folded arm member of that commie media. David Gregory. That controversial lib who asks such tough questions of Republicans on that Meet The Press or as Rush calls it "Meet the Depressed" (ha!). I mean David Gregory is such an elitist commie he actually committed a crime by holding up some sort of gun clip and challenged that patriot Wayne LaPierre to an intelligence test. Both were found to be unarmed.

Ok to be serious. Hey dipshits, the Obama girls are the children of the POTUS. That means people like,oh I don't know, NRA members and gun nuts probably scribble death threats to them on a daily basis. I'm sure the hilarious ad above only has encouraged fellow gun crazies to get out the old email machine, the crayons, the cut out letters from Outdoor Life, the magic markers and the all capital letter mindsets and send off all sorts of love letters to the Obama rug rats.

How DARE that uppity elitist Obummer hire armed guards for his kids while you have to rely on Barney Fife. Oh wait, Barney Fife was armed too.

My solution is simple. Pay nuns to teach. One per school. No habits. No uniforms. No way for some shaved headed oddball with an AR 15 to know exactly where the nun is. But trust me, as a grizzled veteran of the 1960's Nun-nam War (PTSD is REAL!) you just never know when Sister Sylveria is coming out of a room and whacking your murderous ass with a dust broom right upside your head. Go Sister Go!

Friday, January 11, 2013

Did I Fire 600 Shots Or Only 599?

The Child Murder Advocates will not stop. They will not stop saying "yes child murder is disgusting....but..." at which point they launch into their tired what if Adam Lanza had a knife or a lead pipe, huh huh? Then after we all agree that mentally ill people need help, the Child Murder Advocates go back to their tea party and start crying about deficits and trillion dollar coins and taxes.

Well, if you've had enough of these CMA's, get ready for Gun Appreciation Day set for January 19th, the day before President Barack Hitler Stalin Mao and Hussein Obummer gets sworn in for another Acorn aided illegal alien voting second term. Is that a threat?

Gun Appreciation Day is to be patterned after Chik Fil A Appreciation Day from last year when thousands of weight challenged bigots showed up at your local Chik Fil A to show how much they hate the gays and how by eating fried chicken and freedom fries can lead to gays going away when in fact, its you idiots who eat that shit who will be going away. Gun Appreciation Day, when thousands of CMA's with big guns and tiny self esteem show up at gun shops and gun shows and Ted Nugent listening parties to show that commie not my President of theirs how he's not gonna take their guns no matter if a drone blows them to smithereens or not. My gun can stop any gubmint takeover. So there!

Speaking of the Nuge, I see he has offered his expertise to Joe Biden in a Halodel haze of a letter, no doubt written by somebody with sanity on their side, offering to help solve this gun problem. I assume by letting Ted shoot everybody he comes in contact with, his lifelong dream, that and being taken seriously as a musician by people other than shirtless hillbillies who like noise. Hey, if Ted kills a whole lot of people, there's bound to be a bad apple or two in there. It's just the odds of a blind squirrel finding that acorn, like when radio stations actually played Cat Scratch Fever back in '78.

In more CMA news, poor Keith Ratliff. You know him, he is, or was, a self described "gun nut" with the allegedly 11th most popular YouTube channel. YouTube has channels?
Anyway, poor Keith, who apparently like to do videos of himself fondling guns and showing you how much ammo he had. Unfortunately for Keith, he was about one round short the other day cuz he got himself shot in the head and now he's a dead gun nut. Now that, my friends, is ironic, dontcha think?

Finally we have one James Yeager, an alleged CEO of some paranoid weapons training company. James, a shaved headed tattooed oddball (sound familiar) posts a video on HIS Youtube channel (where have I been, how many fucking channels does this thing have?) and states he will start "killing people" if that nasty black man who aint his President comes to take his guns away. Ok there tough guy, calm down, and get your answers ready for when the guys who wear shades and talk into their coat sleeves come a callin'.

Child Murder Advocates are few and far between I am sure. But for chrissakes they have BIG fucking mouths, and tiny little self esteems. So on Gun Appreciation Day, January 19th, take these fine Americans lunch. A nice greasy Chik Fil A and fries. In fact, make it two.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

West Of Insanity, Hello!

While switching channels around the other night to keep from peeing my pants from guffawing at the sight of Notre Dame being drawn and quartered I lit upon my main bloke, Piers Morgan. Piers was talking or rather listening to some maniac named Alex Jones rant and rave and rant and rave about his guns. It was actually quite entertaining hearing the kooky Mr.Jones reply to a Piers' question along the lines of "how many gun murders occurred in England?" with the perfectly logical answer "yeah a bunch of guys raped an Indian woman with a 4 foot rod!!!" That Jones guy makes Ron Paul sound like a Commodore 64.

Which brings me to other types of tin foil wearing freaks. Let's try retired (thank god) Admiral James Lyons (ironic dontcha think?). Admiral Lyons , oh man this is good, explains Benghazi like this. President Nobama was in cahoots with the Muslim Brotherhood (of course) to allow them to kidnap Ambassador Chris Stevens and then exchange him for Sheikh Omar Abdel Rahman, the infamous Blind Sheikh currently having his furniture moved around while he's asleep in some Supermax prison. I'll bet that never gets old. But anyway, that's the skinny on that nutbag theory that everything got all fucked up and Stevens got killed so now a gigantic coverup of Nobama and the Muslim Bro-hood's cozy little relationship is occurring. Oh there's more but who gives a shit. Go listen to Glenn Beck if you want more.

Our favorite airhead, Victoria Jackson, seems to think that bike paths, parks and open spaces are commie UN conspiracies to enslave gun toting Americans. Bike paths, bahhhhhhh, who needs em? Parks are for perverts to meet in and open spaces are such a waste when you could build a million Wal Marts there. So if your city council ever, and I mean EVER, mentions those words, they are tools of the UN Agenda 21. You know UN Agenda 21? That UN plot to take away your golf course and put a bunch of poor people on it? That UN scheme to take away your house and let some Sudanese family move in while you are forced into an internment camp? Victoria Jackson, as dumb as she sounds.

And of course we end with the truths about our illustrious Acorn elected fascist nazi leader who will soon declare martial law and take a secret oath given by undercover commie chief justice Johnny Obamacare Roberts to be President for a lifetime.

Oh we all know Hussein Nobama is only attempting to reform immigration so he can let in millions upon millions of Islam terrorists and then he wouldn't need Acorn any longer.

Of course we also all know that Barack The Snake Obama is a reptilian overlord and that's why he will never produce his real birth certificate or everybody would know his real daddy is not Malcolm X, or Frank Marshall Davis but is Rattlesnake Jake from Rango. David Ickes, a nutter from Britain, believes we are ruled over by reptilian overlords who hold their head funny and stick their tongues out a lot. You know, like Kaa Obama.

There's others. Like Professor (really?) James Tracy of Florida Atlantic University who actually states, out loud, that the Sandy Hook murders never happened and that No GunBama actually made it all up so he could come take your guns away. Child Murder Advocates, there ya go. Embrace Professor Tracy. He's not half as crazy as Wayne LaPierre.

My head hurts. I'm done with conspiracies. I need a good dose of George Noory. At least those people know they are loony. At least the ones east of the Rockies anyway!

Monday, January 7, 2013

Win One For The Ripper!

Fuck Notre Dame! There I said it. So as to get any sense of fairness out of the way, let's just get it out there. I despise Notre Dame, I despise the myth of Notre Dame, and I despise Notre Dame because their aura of superiority is so damaged by facts it cannot possibly exist, except in the heads of Irish Catholic meatheads bound by superstition to deny reality.

In Catholic high school (yeah a lot of my issues go back to that time period) Notre Dame was the goddamned mandatory team to root for. No, not that public institution 50 miles down the road in the same state you reside in, that's just icky. And the people who go there are icky. Notre Dame was special. Notre Dame was as popular as the Irish Republican Army. No seriously, Notre Dame on Saturdays and the rest of the week was for cheering on bombers thousands of miles away.

So in 1973, Notre Dame was forced to play Nebraska in the Orange Bowl. Those of us peasants who rooted for good old state U against the professional Irishmen busy keeping up the dumb as box of potatoes stereotype. Johnny The Jet Rodgers took Notre Dame's head off and crapped down their whiskey soaked necks. 40-7. It was heaven for a day in high school.

Notre Dame is just another extension of the cover up artists running that religion they wear on their fucking sleeve what with that giant picture of Jesus looking down into that stadium.

Declan Sullivan probably wishes Touchdown Fucking Jesus would have been looking down on him when that screeching lunatic Brian Kelly ordered him to climb a tower to film another incompetent Irish football practice in 40 mile an hour winds. Nope, TD Jesus just stared into space as poor Mr.Sullivan was blown over and killed because their football coach is a overpaid sociopath.

Poor Lizzy Seeburg probably wishes Touchdown Jesus had been looking down on her instead of some slobbering Notre Dame rapist football player. Oh yeah, she's dead too. Killed herself. Something about depression, being raped, threatening texts "urging" her to not mess with Irish football, and the indifference of the Notre Dame campus police to investigate. Somewhere on that field tonight, that rapey Irish football player will be playing. If there IS a Touchdown Jesus, He'll make sure that Jack the Ripper creep shatters his knee.

Good Ol' Notre Dame, waking the echoes cheering her name. Well this is one Irish Catholic who wishes Satan himself would rise up and destroy that place.

I have no love for Alabama. Their coach, Nick Saban, is a liar and a cheat but hey, as far as I know, he is not responsible for the deaths of anything except Auburn trees and any semblance of intelligence in Alabama.

So for tonight. Roll Tide. Ugh, I just threw up in my mouth a little.