Thursday, April 30, 2009

Stay Away From The Green Acid!

It's time for the so-called "Woodstock for Capitalists" this weekend here in Omaha. The annual Berkshire-Hathaway meeting will be held and 35,000 or so "capitalists" will converge on the city to hear Warren Buffett attempt to explain why capitalism is a dismal failure. Good luck to Mr. Buffett who is usually treated like some guru coming off the mountain top carrying stone tablets and a yak in his quest to keep the wolves at bay. These dime store millionaires and real millionaires are pissed that Warren's wisdom took such a hit this past year. It's a bitch to sit in your parlor, goblet full, reading the Journal, smoking a stogie and not making money hand over fist for all your hard work. My goodness, times are so bad, Maria may have to be turned in to the INS.

If you've ever been to one of these meetings, and I have been to three, you cannot believe your rapidly aging eyes. I mean come on, who actually wears an ascot? What kind of skinflint brings his own PB&J in wax paper to avoid paying $7.50 for a Buffett approved ham sandwich and chips, Diet Coke extra? Is somebody really named Biff? How many facelifts can you fit into one picture with the Geico gecko? Does this bookstore have any books written by anybody not named Buffett or Munger?

I always thought going to annual meetings was all about getting free stuff. Oh trust me, the Berkshire meeting has nothing for free. You can buy anything. DQ Dilly Bars, Fruit of the Loom t-shirts, Geico cavemen action figures, cowboy boots, siding, windows or anything else that Buffet has his hands in. Buy. Buy. Buy. It's crazy.

Meanwhile, 17,000 people, along with thousands more watching on TV, are jammed into the Qwest Center arena to hear the preachings of Warren. They listen with gusto. They are creepily quiet as their shaman pontificates on that lousy economic system we all now know sucks. But this year? Warren (who I actually like by the way. I used to live down the street from him.) may actually get questions from worried disciples. Doubting Thomases may have infiltrated the bunker. It will be interesting.

One of the events advertised to the attendees is an invitation to go to the airport and look at all the private planes that jet in. Another event is to go to a high quality jewelry store and hobnob with the elite. Go to Dairy Queen, show your meeting credentials and get a free ice cream cone. Now we're talkin'.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

60 Is The Loneliest Number!

Don't celebrate, Democrats. You still have Ben Nelson to contend with. Nelson is as much of a Democrat as Bible Spice is a Mensa. But regardless, Arlen Spector, he of the magic bullet theory is welcome anytime.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Boring, Oregon, Hello!!

A long time ago the has-been they call USA Today had a column written by the has-been they call Larry King. The column contained life-changing tidbits of one liners and opinions such as "I like baseball....If you're serving matzo ball soup, count me in.....Cuba is really close to Florida....If James Caan is in it, I'm there......I swear I know Sandy Koufax........" . The column took up valuable space in the Life section of USA Today once a week, which meant Larry had to spend at least 10 minutes per week wracking his brain for the Confucius-like wisdom. To honor Larry, at this moment probably being mistaken for his children's great grandfather at a tee-ball game, I will admittedly copy him today.

1) Dick Cheney needs to shut the fuque up. The former dark lord of Blair House is running around setting himself up to say "I told you so" if another terrorist event happens on American soil. I wouldn't doubt if the sonuvabitch is planning it himself.

2) I expect nothing short of a 19-0 season and a Super Bowl win for the Chicago Bears. For years and years of Jack Concannon's and Vince Evans' and Bob Avellini's and Doug Flutie's and Cade McNown's and Peter Tom Willis' the Bears finally have an All-Pro quarterback in Jay Cutler. That's all we ever needed. Right?

3) Somebody needs to kick Bill O'Reilly's ass. That's the only thing guys like BillO understand. Tough guys like him aren't that tough. Somebody just needs to yell louder, get in his face and cock their fist. BillO would start crying for "Fox Security" to come save him. I nominate Stephanie Miller for the job.

4) Of all the Law and Orders, I prefer Criminal Intent. Vincent D'Onofrio's whacko detective Bobby Goren, who may or may not be schizophrenic, who may or may not have been fathered by a serial killer, who may or may not be nuttier than an elephant turd is one of the most interesting characters on television. So is D'Onofrio, who reportedly became maniacally depressed when Bush won in 2004.

5) Local Television News sucks. Anyplace, anywhere it just sucks. Ominous music for non-stories, panic-stricken tones for non-stories, run for your lives weather reports, morons reading teleprompters, it's kind of like a Focus on the Family convention.

6) The drinking age needs to be lowered to 18 again. I know the stats that show drunken driving deaths went down when the age was raised to 21. Well think how far they'd go down if the age was raised to 30, 35, or 40? The fact is 18 year olds drink, a lot. Take the mystery out of it, stop them from sneaking around, and get drinking 18 year olds back where they belong, the Bush residence.

7) Pot needs to legalized. It needs to be taxed. It needs to be given to people who need it, or want it. When my Mom and Dad were cancer-stricken and had they not been depression-era squares who didn't want to use it for appetite or pain, I would have met machine gun wielding drug kingpins in back alleys to buy it for them and to hell with the law. Admit it, so would you.

8) Gay marriage starts in Iowa Monday. Not only does it make me happy that people get their equal rights, it makes me even more happy that the "Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve" crowd is so apoplectic about it. Religion is the devil, not a goateed red guy with a pointy tail.

Dot Dot Dot.............

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Free Lynndie England!

I'm baaaaaaack! How much longer do we have to wait before these criminals who ran this nation for the last 8 years are brought to justice? If we don't do anything, and I'm not sure we will, well then, we must stop ballyhooing how god damned better we are than everybody else.

The man pictured above, Don Rumsfeld, approved of torture. Period. It's been written down and released. While others, like Lynndie England, have gone to jail for carrying out the orders of that man pictured above, and high ranking officers have lost their gigs for giving the orders of that man above, the man above faces no consequences. His superiors, pictured in earlier posts, face no consequences. This is unacceptable in the so called greatest nation on earth every bit as much as it's unacceptable in lawless societies we fight.

This whole waterboarding nonsense is just that. What kind of idiot thinks that simulating death, a horrible death, is not torture? The right wing radio yakkers aside, nobody with the IQ of a pitcher of water thinks water boarding is a-ok. There are Americans, soldiers and cops, who have gone to jail for using this medieval technique to extract confessions from alleged bad guys. There are foreign soldiers who have been charged by international courts with war crimes for acting like the Spanish Inquisition. Remember back when we were told old bedhead, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed cracked in about 30 seconds and gave up everything, including confessing to killing JFK after being waterboarded? Well if that is true, why did they waterboard this whackjob another 183 times in one month alone? For fun? We don't torture. Right?

So if we don't torture, don't the torturers need to be prosecuted? Do we want our soul back? Come on, Mr.President, you aren't afraid of these war criminals and their drooling fans. Prosecute them. Even if no convictions occur, at least try to get our morality back. I want it back. I want to believe. I am one of those who really want to ballyhoo my government as being god damned better than everybody else.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Is 0.0 Your GPA Or Your IQ?

Back in the 70's when I went away to college, several times during the summer prior, young men would call me to ask me if I was going to "pledge"? Pledge? Pledge what? Your undying loyalty to a group of men who will humiliate you, assault you, violate you, and make you pay for this honor? No thanks, I would politely reply. One hollered "Loser" into the phone before he ran away.

I never really understood the whole fraternity thing. A group of maniacs living in a crap hole house, drinking and hollering and playing loud music all the while with an aura of superiority oozing out of their booze addled pores. I didn't need to learn how to drink. I could learn it on my own. Anyway, it was the 70's. Greeks were The Man. They were elitist a-holes who stood up at Bill Kunstler speeches and screamed for him to "love it or leave it". They voted for Jerry Ford and thought Nixon was railroaded by the liberal media. They listened to REO Speedwagon & KISS for chrissakes.

Well apparently nothing has changed. The Sigma Chi fraternity house down in Lincoln has been busted for a variety of offenses that would put most of us in jail. It seems these upstanding "brothers" decided that abusing the handcuffed and blindfolded "pledges" by sticking vibrating objects into their orifices was somehow unifying. Lists of behavior that would cause a normal person to question the perpetrators sanity is commonplace. Sigma Chi has been suspended and kicked off campus by Dean Wormer as of now.

Hey I remember pathetic behavior indulged in by me during the college years. Some of it bordered on illegal. In fact, a lot of it was illegal, technically. But never once did I hurt anybody but me. I never thought forcing a blindfolded drunk to drink Tabasco sauce or sticking a hot dog in his mouth was all that amusing. But then I guess I'm a drip.

By the way, not for one second do I think Sigma Chi is alone. The rest of you bozos are engaged in the same homo-erotic hi jinks the night before you march around the Capitol to oppose gay marriage. Hey fellas, you aren't prison guards. The pledges aren't prisoners. Oh hell, what am I talking about? These future Chamber of Commerce types like it. What's that they say about scratching the surface? It's ugly down there.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Thanks For The Memories!

I would like to extend a big THANK YOU to the people who voted for the loser last November for a great week of comedy and fun. Whether it be the the hilarious Two-Million-for-Marriage or as known to those hipster conservatives 2M 4M. The great fun of thousands of Fox News sheep teabagging each other. Or Governor Mooselini suddenly admitting abortion is all about choice, a choice she had and pondered. It was better than anything ever. Keep it up, losers.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Happy Teabagging Day!

Today is the day that thousands of angry white people take to the streets to teabag the commie government that the rest of us elected back in November. Are those kids holding signs to dis the government or their two umbrella holding Mom in the background? Why aren't you two in school? And the unemployed woman on the right? Hey, you had your chance last fall, not to mention how can she alone be a majority of anything? She's not even the best looking teabagger in the picture. Losers are so funny when they lose.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Another Village Idiot Governs Texas!

Boy howdy, it seems Texas Governor Rick Perry, seen above with some snowbilly, has decided to secede from the union or something. Yelping about the 10th Amendment which nobody, including Thomas Jefferson, has ever read nor heard of, Governor Goodhair has flipped the bird to the feds who want to give him free money. Free freaking money! Pandering to the nuts and bolts that make up half the state, Perry is not exactly dumb enough to refuse the money, he just wants all the dimbulbs paying attention only when CMT goes down to know he wants to refight the Civil War.

The 10th Amendment? It blathers about states rights when the federal gubmint aint paying attention. Well, Rick, this isn't 1791, or 1861, or even 1964. It's a new dawn, baby. The Prez is black, the gays are gettin' hitched, the Chinese are drivin motorcars, and Coach Taylor just got fired down in Dillon. Get on with the program.

It's about time the rest of us started messin' with Texas. Those incompetent blowhards have been messin' with us for years.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Wanna Go To Iowa With Me, Bandy?

The latest conservative kookburger outrage is that when our 6 foot 2 President Obama bent over to shake hands with the Saudi dwarf that runs that nation of hijackers and beheading enthusiasts he somehow 'kowtowed" or "bowed" or proved that he is a secret Muslim agent. The protocol states no American President bows or curtsies to silly royals. Of course not, they supposed to French kiss the creep like the greatest president of all time did . Don't you liberal weasels know anything?

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

I Give It Two Thumbs Up,Roger!

Monsters Vs. Aliens. Fork over the extra $2.50 for the funny glasses, put them on, get some popcorn, and have some fun.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Do You Take This Chair ?

By now, everyone knows Iowa has had it's gay marriage ban struck down by its Supreme Court as a discriminatory law. Conservatives, long the champions of states rights, are ecstatic. Yeah sure they are. I can hear the voices in their heads myself they're so loud.

Over here across the Mighty Mo we have a state attorney general named Jon Bruning. In college, Mr.Bruning was a liberal voice against Ronald Reagan and the Moral Majority who wrote his opinions in a local daily. He even had a run in or two with the law. But, of course that was back when Bruning was young and unaware of the advantages of cynical conservative conversion.

Bruning grew into his 30's and decided he liked the relative safety of sucking off the taxpayers by running for office, as a Republican of course. After a short stay in the Unicameral, Nebraska's version of Rock of Love, Bruning went for the Attorney General's office and because of that (R) next to his name he won.

I wouldn't say Bruning is a terrible Attorney General, but that's only because he followed the worst AG of all time, Don Stenberg. So he's just lousy. Some here in Nebraska say he spends more time in the grandstand than the hot dog vendors.

Well let's go over the Bruning resume'. He once, in response to Massachusetts legalizing gay marriage exclaimed "Does that mean you have to allow a man to marry his pet or a man to marry his chair?" He campaigned for Amendment 416, a horrid amendment to the farce they call the Nebraska Constitution (which STILL forbids the teaching of German due to that creep, The Kaiser) which forbids gay marriage AND partnerships of any kind by same sex couples.

Bruning also doesn't like older men, say 18, from hooking up with children, say 15 year old girls. Once, a 21 year old man with learning disabilities went to Kansas with his 15 year old girlfriend and married her. When they came back to Nebraska, Bruning had the guy tossed in jail for sexual assault of a minor.

When Carter Lake, Iowa allowed the Ponca Indian Tribe buy up land to put in a casino, legal under Iowa law, Bruning sued to stop the Indians from fleecing the white man out of his wampum (though there's three casinos owned by palefaces within walking distance from downtown Omaha). AND HE FREAKING WON!

So watch out, Iowa. Jon Bruning doesn't like your laws over in Iowa, he will sue you to keep your wretched excesses out of Nebraska, where all is pure, like the meth.

Saturday, April 4, 2009


Early morning, April four. Shot rings out in the Memphis sky.Free at last, they took your life. They could not take your pride.

What more needs to be said?

Friday, April 3, 2009

How Deep Is Your Closet?

If you know anything about the nuts who hang out on you'd realize how clueless these basement dwellers are. Unless they really want to teabag Chris Dodd, not that there's anything wrong with that.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Jindall, Sanford, Perry, Barbour And You, The Chick, Put Your Hands Out Now!

As President Obama acts like a Republican Congress and throws money at anybody who wants it, as long as you really don't deserve it, some Republican Governors are openly defying Santa Obama and refusing to take the money. Well, they SAY they don't want it, all the while hoping their respective legislatures will "force" them to take it. But now, in a revoltin' development, the administration has said you want it, you have to put your hand out yourself, pussbags. It will be interesting to see what these "principled" Republicans will do now.

Who exactly are these righteous fiscal tightwads? Well, there's the guy from Mississippi, Hayley Two Bits Barbour. The guy from Texas, Rick W Perry. There's that guy from Louisiana, Bobby the Page Jindall. There's the dude from South Carolina, Slick Rick Sanford and then there's some other one from a fake state full of fugitives that makes me think of Parasailin'. What do they all have in common, besides perfect hair? They all are breaking the 9th or whatever Commandment by coveting thy neighbor's goods, the Oval Office.

Thus far, four of the five are taking most of the money, selectively rejecting bits and pieces for political cover. But Sanford, a real riverboat gambler, painted himself into a corner by loudly announcing he's taking none. Obama has called his bluff and Slick Ricky is going to fold. Count on it. Oh please ,GOP, nominate one of these dolts in 2012.

UPDATE-------Slick Rick folded..........