Wednesday, January 29, 2014

State Of The Wingnut!!!

I confess right up front. I did not see or hear one millisecond of the State of the Union address by HypnObama last evening. I was at a basketball game watching a bunch of underachievers and high basketball IQ types from Creighton University take on a bunch of athletic gentlemen from St.John's University. The underachievers and high IQ types won in the last second much to the delight of all the underachievers in the crowd.

Anyway, who needs to see that waste of time anyway when the only thing worth watching is the wingnuts react in that so wingnutty way to the fact that we enter 6th year of rule by that athletic president of ours who keeps beating those underachievers and high politics IQ types the Republicans keep nominating. You know, John Gramps McCain and his wacky shooting guard Sarah Had One Of The Fab Five Palin and then Mittens Von Romney and his jug eared pointy headed guard Paul The Bro Ryan. Slam Dunk in Yo Face muthafuckas!

Wingnut reaction. Well, Congressnitwit Tim Huelskamp (Whats the Matter With-Ks) decided that pissing off a Rhodes Scholar lesbian like Rachel Maddow was good strategy. Oh poor Tim. You don't even know what hit you. Tim, Benghazi,Benghazi Benghazi is no way to go thru life, son. And calling a brainiac lezbo a "cheerleader" is really dumb. But considering Huelskamp represents a portion of Kansas where no Democrat even attempts to take on this dimbulb, it probably means Huelskamp will get his props from the yahoos for putting the wood to the commie, mannish dyke.

Senator , sorry just a second, haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, ok, Mike Lee of Utah gave the Teabagger response to the Obama hypno session. He called Obamacare an "inequality Godzilla". I assume he has stake in that new Godzilla movie coming out and was simply plugging it because if he wasn't. Well then, Mike Lee,you have no idea what Godzilla is. Godzilla is a loud, fire breathing, clumsy staggering mess of a mutant that wrecks everything in its way. Kind of like the Tea Party.

Congresscreep Randy Weber (Nuttier than Ron Paul-Tx), the successor to old Uncle Slapnutz Ron Paul, didn't even wait for President Blackenstein to rumble into the House before insulting him with the oh so clever "Kommandant-in-Chief" tweet. Been watching to much of that Hogans Heroes on the METV have ya, Randy? Funny Nazis, I got your back, bro. Randy went back on the twitter to launch a few more zingers during Nobama's call to communism by referring to POTUS by its real Texas name, "Poor Obama Trashed US"....excuse me for a second......haaaaaaaaa.....ok...nice one Representative Dumbfuck from Texas. Hey, I don't necessarily mean Randy, that title could fit any number of Texas reps.

Somebody named Katie Pavlich, who appears on Fox News because she's blonde and Roger Ailes needs new spank bank material, likes to tweet a LOT. When President Schwarze spoke about climate change, Katie tweeted out a lot of screen grabs of low temperatures in the south. You know, cuz like if its cold in winter anywhere, that like proves that like global warming is stupid.

Erick Erickson, whose parents saw what they had in the baby basket and said fuck it, just call him Erick, was in his typical all you Uterus-Americans are dopes mode. Erick the Redkneck was calling out "Abortion Barbie" who I assume, you sexist fat fuck, is Wendy Davis (Awesome-Tx). Erickson was out trolling for twitter blowjobs and got them form the likes of self hating babes like Laura Ingraham, Dana Perino, Andrea Tantaros, Dana Loesch, and Jonah Goldberg.

The aforementioned Dana Loesch, who describes herself as a Missourian (strike 1 2 and 3), a radio host (strike 4 5 and 6) and a meathead.....oh sorry, it says "metalhead", stated that Republican respondee Cathy McMorris Rodgers (No fuckin idea-Whereever)sat on a settee instead of a birth control pill while yakking. Huh? Dana, do you know how birth control pills even work? Been hanging with Limbaugh again? Don't pull his finger, you'll thank me later.

Hey they all are pretty dumb responses to President Blackula's speech. But one thing positive, at least they didn't threaten to throw Nobama over "the fucking railing".

Pete Seeger!

I went to see Inside Llewyn Davis last Saturday (more about that later) and while watching I often thought about Bob Dylan and Peter, Paul & Mary and especially Pete Seeger. Pete was never somebody I could call anything more than a guy who made me feel good about being on this earth. I didn't own any of his records, I never saw him in concert, I probably couldn't name you more than 5 of his songs. But Pete Seeger, when he was on my television screen made me glad to be a goddamned American liberal. He had that inner peace, that sense of right and wrong, that knowledge that what he was saying was the truth. The man had a moral compass and he didn't care who knew it.

Pete Seeger died at the age of 94 the other day. That makes me sad because it means there's one less of us and Ted Nugent's clout has gone one up.

You know, Bruce Springsteen was correct. He introduced Pete Seeger once as looking "like your granddad, if your granddad could still kick your ass".

Yep, Pete Seeger kicked everybody's ass.

Monday, January 27, 2014

Roe Roe Roe Your Boat!

Yep it's that time of year again when a bunch of middle aged men, some old ladies , a few brainwashed young folks and lying politicians all get together to gnash their teeth about a 41 year old law that gave women the right to do whatever the fuck they wanted with their own bodies. Every year we see this nonsense when people, who all have that Gerber baby pounded into their head, walk around your hometown and think they know what's best for chicks and your slutty, libido crazed bodies.

Down in Lincoln over the weekend, 4000 people (which in reality means about a thousand) all gathered at the State Capitol to listen to their heroes, every lying sack of shit Republican officeholder or wannabe office holder screech about how they will end abortion. They've been telling these same rubes this for 41 years now and the rubes keep showing up. Now the pro-life business is lucrative for a few people who get paid to pretend to care about the Gerber baby so I understand their interest. But these dopes like a group of Catholic high school boys standing around without shirts in 30 degree weather I will never understand. I'd like to think that Catholic high school boys really care about babies but being a former Catholic high school boy myself, I know the only thing these hormone cases really care about is the process of making the damn baby. If these pro lifer boys ever got the chance to go through that process and hit the jackpot and a baby was created in God's image, how long would it be before Mary Theresa had to go get that D&C that Catholic girls often get. Abortion, my ass. It's a ectopic pregnancy!!!

The politicians all got up in their Husker gear and yammered on about ending abortion and how goddamned great these saps were while at the same time refusing to accept federal funding of Medicaid because ya know all those lazy ass poor people breeding like rats and sucking up the tax money that should go to the rich. In fact one of the wannabees, the subject of a previous post, Senate pretty boy candidate Dougie Sasse, strapped his two year old onto his carpetbagger body and flat out lied about the evil Obama forcing all you womens to get abortions through Obamacare. Booooooooo the suckers all yelled.

The the marchers waddled up the way to listen to some Texas nitwit tell them what a trampy bleach blonde bitch that Wendy Davis is. More booing occurred.

Yes there were some counter demonstrators demanding the Republican gubmint stay out of their uterus but they were dismissed as sluts and harlots and besides, according to numerous comment losers on the newspaper websites, they were all ugly anyway which invalidates their opinions on just about anything.

Sometime when it gets warmer here in Omaha, a bunch of the old men, old ladies, young brainwashed kids, and the paid pro-life scammers will form a chain up and down the main drag to show how pro-lifey they are. The crowds diminish every year as the old people croak and the young ones wise up after the D&C they got in college saved their bacon.

Here in Nebraska there is a movement to change the state slogan from "The Good Life" to something else. Now keep in mind here in "The Good Life" we have no gambling, no gay marriage, no medicinal marijuana, and if the bumpkins have their way, no abortion. Yep, from now on the state slogan should be "No Fun Of Any Kind".

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Michelle O'Bammer!

You're on, Fox News, Free Republic, Twitter, Breitbart, Fox Nation, Newsbusters, Drudge Report, Newsmax, Townhall, Hannity, Atlas Shrugs, American Thinker, Rush, Hot Air, Malkin, Redstate, O'Reilly, RealClearPolitics, and Stormfront.

I'm sure there will some great analysis of her dunking style.

Monday, January 20, 2014

Sherman Tanks!

For the love of Roger Staubach, what the hell was THAT last night after Seattle and it's really LOUD fans beat the Niners and got to go to the Super Bowl? Some dread locked Seattle lunatic decided to start screeching like he'd just delivered a pile driver to Baron Von Raschke (yeah I'm old) or something. With Erin Andrews playing the role of Mean Gene Okerlund, Seattle cornerback Richard Sherman went all heel on America right after the game. Yeah, he had delivered a pile driver right to San Francisco receiver Michael Crabtree and goddammit he was gonna tell you all about it. And now America hates him for it. Go Broncos and that nice boy Peyton "OmaHAAA" Manning.

Ok, I was taken aback by Sherman's boisterous hollering and flaring his nostrils and moving towards the camera. Yep, he scared me. I didn't know what the hell was up with him and immediately wanted him to take a legal Washington bong hit and chill the fuck out before he had a stroke or Erin Andrews ran screaming from him like she did from 50 Cent.

10 minutes later Richard Sherman sat down with Jimmy and Terry and Bobby and Billy and acted perfectly normal. In fact, Mr.Sherman (I will call him this forever now) sounded like he went to Stanford or someplace really smart. Oh yeah, he did. He graduated from Stanford, started working on a Masters Degree, works with charities and has a big mouth. Oh well. If that's the worse thing this guy ever does, goes batshit crazy less than 5 minutes after he'd basically won the biggest football game of his life, so be it.

Hey look, America hates this guy now. I get it. I really don't think I'd get along with Mister Sherman either nor do I think I'd get along with that cheating bush league coach Pete Carroll. Or get along with Tom Brady or Peyton Manning or Jim Harbaugh or 99% of most athletes and their whackjob coaches. But look deeper into WHY Mister Sherman looked like a raving maniac after that game and you may learn something.

Apparently Michael Crabtree may be a bit of an asshole. Seems Crabtree tried to fight with Mister Sherman at a fucking charity event last summer and that didn't sit well with Mr.Sherman, who vowed to "embarrass" Crabby at some point. Well, he did and once again, goddammit, he wanted you to know it.

The NCAA has a 10 minute "cooling off" period. This, I assume, is so incidents like that don't happen after games. A 10 minute cooling off period may have also helped prevent America from going all batshit crazy themselves and tweeting vile, racist shit at this football player.

So Mister Sherman has the benefit of the doubt with me now. He didn't call anybody a n***** or swear into a camera or do anything that doesn't go on during a football game every day. You know football, the past time of America. The sport we all love so much. The sport that makes us throw food at an injured player from the opposing team. The sport that makes drunken hooligans beat each other up because they have the audacity to be dressed in opposing teams colors. The sport where we all cheer when some guy gets coldcocked. The sport where grown people base thejir entire self esteem on what a 20 year old kid does every weekend in the fall.

But let a black guy with dreads scream and scream and let off steam in front of us all? Unforgiveable!

But even after all that, a game between Mister Sherman, Pete Carroll, that dick Golden Tate and those asshole LOUD Seattle fans and Denver, a team I hate with all my passion because it's located in Denver? I have to choke it out.......Go Bron.........oh shit, I can't do it. What time is the Puppy Bowl?

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Somebody Get Me A Coconut Coffin!

The Professor has died. I jut hope Gilligan isn't screwing up his entry to the deserted island in the sky.

Rest in peace, Russell Johnson.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014


Please stop! My sides hurt from laughing. These judges are killing me. Utah and Oklahoma's gay marriage laws are unconstitutional. What next? Nebraska? Gawd I hope so.

It's been a bad year for the Gawd fearing Oklahomans who praise Jesus when their house gets destroyed by a twister and they stay alive even though their next door neighbor got a steel pipe through his head.

Their genius constitutional amendment outlawing Sharia law was thrown out by a federal judge who couldn't stop laughing after reading it.

Satanists want to put up a 7 foot statue of old Beezelbub himself on the state capitol grounds because there's already a big stone copy of the Ten Commandments there and hey what the hell, equal time for all mythical figures and nonsensical suggestions.

And now, the gays will be coming to a trailer park near you looking for somebody to force marry.

Oklahoma, you better be ready for the Lord's wrath again this spring. I heard he's really pissed and is going to send all sorts of tornadoes because of all this federal judging keeping you from establishing your own little Jesus dictatorship. Hit the basements now, Oklahoma. Like you do every year.

Shhhhhhhh. I just spoke to God. He told me to talk to Mother Nature about the wind sweepin down the plain.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Forget About It!

Oh godammit, now look what this mook went and did. Not only did he waste money getting his balloon stomach stapled, now he had to go and implode. What da fuck, Chris?

Chris Christie, the loudmouth Republican Governor who even some dumbass Democrats tell me they like, is embroiled in some political nonsense so utterly petty, it is going to end up wrecking my whole 2015 and 2016 fun. What the hell! I was looking forward to seeing him blow his stack at the idiocy standing onstage with him at the Republican Presidential Debates and then turning and screeching at the tri corn hatted neanderthals who wandered inside and applaud starvation, slavery, executions and act all Pol Pot when it comes to those they don't care for. You know, the riff raff out there stealing their tax money and not working while they are all self sufficient on their Social Security and Medicare. Christie may be a goon, a hothead, a screaming out of control thin skinned yeller, but he isn't Teabag Nation. And that, my friends, is why I'm so upset at the self demolition of The Christie Casino.

Christie, such a sarcastic shit heel (and trust me I love sarcastic shit heels cuz well you know)cannot stop himself. He is who he is. A vengeful citizen of New Jersey who doesn't take kindly to being denied what he wants. Hey, if da mayor of Fort Lee doesn't wanna play ball, well then, a little traffic accident may befall his wonderful town. After 4 days of that, anybody will come around, dontcha think? And if not, aw fuck, they found out?? Quick, fire the Irish broad and that rat bastard campaign idiot who kept his e mails.

Christie has gone into full Schultz mode. He knows nuthin ,he sees nuthin, he heard nuthin. Shit he didn't even know he was taking Hurricane Sandy money and making ads with his family to get people to come to his state. He doesn't know nuthin. He doesn't know where the last piece of cake went. He doesn't know where that last piece of pizza went. He doesn't know anything. He's perfect for the 2015-2016 Republican debates and now, for fucks sake, he's gone and blown it.

Now we're gonna have to listen to the incoherent blatherings of a bunch of dimwitted morons like Santorum (don't google him), Oops Perry, Cuba Si Castro No Rubio, Dudley Do Right Cruz and that jug eared fuckstick Paul Ryan.

Thanks a lot Chris Christie. Not only did your bullying tactics blow up in your fat face, you had to go all Nixon and proclaim "I Am Not A Crook, errrr, Bully!"

There ya go, TeaBag Nation, your RINO has been slain. Now you can get back to worrying that maybe Santorum once gave a guy directions, Perry said "Ola" to an immigrant, Rubio put a buck into a red kettle, Cruz once took advantage of Commie Canadian health care or Ryan is a secret socialist thanks to his Rage Against the Machine listening.

Thanks again, Chris Christie. Even though you no chance of convincing those pinheads who vote in your parties primaries and show up to your caucuses in their Buicks to vote for you, you would have entertained me throwing a gasket at some knucklehead heckling you from the scooter section.

And oh yeah, as long as you're apologizing for everything, could you throw in a big one for your state spawning the likes of Antonin Big Tony Scalia and the shrew Michelle Malkin?

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Sassy Pants!

Here in Nebraska we have a United States Senate race to consider in 2014. I mean it will be tough job to replace our fine sitting Senator, Mike Johanns (Who?-Ne), a man so invisible and so devoid of any principles he lets Nebraska's other Senator, the Mags Bennett of Northern Nebraska, Debbie Fischer (No she's not Margo Martindale-Ne), tell him what to do. But Johanns has decided he's had enough, kind of like when he'd decided he'd had enough of being a Democrat a few years back, and he's quitting to collect pensions and lobbying fees.

Since we here in Nebraska wouldn't elect a Democrat to anything ever since President Blacky McBlack took over it's a gigantic Republican clusterfuck to get that seat.

Thus far, five Republicans are vying for the nomination to become the next United States Senator from Nebraska who will quickly disappear from the face of the earth and thus assure himself of endless re-elections cuz we all here don't like that attention grabbing shit.

The candidates include some guy named Clifton Johnson, a guy who apparently looks like George Washington if you can even find his website. Don't google him or you get a black guy from North Carolina. Clifton Johnson has less of a chance than Tony Clifton.

Another Republican candidate is named Bart McLeay, one of those pro-life nuts, pro-gun nuts, no taxes nuts and cut spending unless it's free money for farmers nuts. Bart McLeay has as much chance as Bart Simpson.

Sid Dinsdale is running. Sid runs a giant bank.'Nuff said. Sid is Mr.Potter. He thinks all food stamp people are frauds, loves immigrants as long as they're white, and wants to debt ceiling eliminated. Christ, typical banker. He's too big to fail, but if you fuck him over on that car loan, you are toast. Dinsdale has as much chance as that Monty Python Hedgehog always looking for Dinsdale.

Now the contenders:

Shane Osborn. He's a miltary hero, haven't you heard? Did Shane get his leg blown off in 'Nam like former Senator Bob Kerrey? Nope. Back in 2001, Navy Flyboy Shane was flying a US spy plane around a Chinese island and some Chinese fighter collided with his spy plane. Oh I'm positive it was that Chinese guy's fault, crazy red bastards they are. Shane saved his crew by landing his spy plane under difficult conditions. Heroic? Indeed. Of course what other choice did he have? Unfortunately he landed the plane in China and the commies all got a good look at a US spy plane for 10 days. They were gonna give Shane a medal for this. And they did.

Shane ran for State Treasurer in Nebraska and won. Well of course he did. He spent 4 years doing whatever it is a State Treasurer does and then decided he's ready for the big time. Osborn has the endorsement of the Freedom Works kooks so I guess that's good. Shane Osborn leads in the polls because he's the only one anybody's heard of. Isn't he that guy who brought the Chi coms to their knees by giving them his plane?

And then there's the above pictured douchebag name Ben Sasse. Ben Sasse is a down home Nebraska conservative with common sense. Born in Fremont, you know, that city that outlawed Mexicans, in 1972. Ben was forced to stay here till 1990 because of that whole parents paying for him thing. But dammit as soon as he turned 18, he was so outta here when he went to Harvard, Yale, then back to Boston. Then Ben went to DC and served the Bushies until 2009 as one of those creepy bureaucrats republicans hate so much. So with my limited math skills, Ben Sasse, down home Nebraskan, spent 19 years outside of Nebraska and 18 years in it only because he had to. Liz Cheney even says damn man, what a carpetbagger.

Ben Sasse wants to be Senator so bad he brought that jug eared miser Paul Ryan here to endorse him. He has the endorsement of the Dick Army. And now he's so desperate to prove what a Nebraska rube he really is, he wants to bring the Capitol of the United States to the middle of Nebraska for some goddamned common sense. Oh I know he aint serious cuz only a fucking lunatic would be, but Sasse's other ideas are lunacy. For instance, besides the obvious Tea Party bullshit, Sasse actually said on tape that if Obamacare became law (too late,dipshit) the United States would "cease to exist".

Oh for fucks sake. Look at that guy. He looks like one of those sleazy lawyers on The Good Wife. He's currently only at 7% in the polls but he has money behind him. Guys like Sasse scare me. He reminds me of those TV preachers who suck the IQ challenged out of their money. In this case the IQ challenged have something more important than money. Votes.

Just to be clear, if guys like this get Senate seats, the UNited States WILL cease to exist. Keep smilin' pretty boy. Maybe that lobbying job you covet will be there after you lose. God I hope so. Bruce Dern is more of a Nebraskan than you are.

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Phil Everly!

10 years ago or so when the feuding Simon & Garfunkel came through town for what was I believe their last "reunion" tour Max's Mom and I secured tickets in the nosebleed section. To see Simon and Garfunkel, perhaps one of my five favorite rock, folk, whatever acts ever, was a dream come true. They did not disappoint, though dammit, I'd prefer to hear THEM sing The Boxer rather than the row of fucking 50 year olds in front of me.

But halfway through the concert, on came the Everly Brothers from Shenandoah, Iowa (that's mandatory to say around here to remind us there IS some talent lurking in the hinterlands). Don and Phil Everly ran onto stage with acoustic guitars and absolutely great poofy wigs you could see from space. This legendary duo, huge just a bit before my time, banged out the required four masterpieces everyone knows (Wake Up Little Susie, Let It Be Me, All I Have To Do Is Dream), including help on Bye Bye Love from Paul Simon, and sprinted back offstage. I didn't realize it at the time, as they were onstage no more than 10 minutes, but I had seen the origin of a lot of music I loved. For without Don & Phil Everly, there is no Dylan, no Simon & Garfunkel, no Hollies, no Mamas and Papas, none of that kind of melodic ear candy that makes you forget the fact there really is very little beauty that you can hear.

The Everly Brothers fought just as much as Simon & Garfunkel. Phil may have been the influence that Rob Reiner used in This is Spinal Tap when Nigel Tufnel threw his guitar down and quit the band mid show, when he did the same back in the 1970's during a show. Like most geniuses, the egos were strong and the fighting was long. The Everly's weren't together for much of my childhood and teenage years when the bands like Simon & Garfunkel, The Byrds and Crosby Stills Nash & Young were making me relax and keep my angst in check but I know their stuff now. I never really appreciated them until that night 10 years ago when four of the smartest, most talented people in the world shared the same stage for about 5 minutes of so. Goddamn, that was something.

Phil Everly is gone now. Shit.

Friday, January 3, 2014

Sweet Home Alabama!

This is why I often don't like football. Yeah,it's football, not pro rasslin'.

Sit down and take the Alabama loss like the man you are, you fucking hillbilly.

Yes, they breed (she has 3 very proud young uns) and vote (gee I wonder who for).

She's probably a hero down at the You Might Be A Redneck If Baptist Church!

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Faster! Faster!

Thanks Colorado for legalizing weed. Now we'll have thousands and thousands of gays traveling to Utah to get gay married stopping off to get baked and start raping, pillaging and playing the piano really fast.

The end is near.