Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Sassy Pants!

Here in Nebraska we have a United States Senate race to consider in 2014. I mean it will be tough job to replace our fine sitting Senator, Mike Johanns (Who?-Ne), a man so invisible and so devoid of any principles he lets Nebraska's other Senator, the Mags Bennett of Northern Nebraska, Debbie Fischer (No she's not Margo Martindale-Ne), tell him what to do. But Johanns has decided he's had enough, kind of like when he'd decided he'd had enough of being a Democrat a few years back, and he's quitting to collect pensions and lobbying fees.

Since we here in Nebraska wouldn't elect a Democrat to anything ever since President Blacky McBlack took over it's a gigantic Republican clusterfuck to get that seat.

Thus far, five Republicans are vying for the nomination to become the next United States Senator from Nebraska who will quickly disappear from the face of the earth and thus assure himself of endless re-elections cuz we all here don't like that attention grabbing shit.

The candidates include some guy named Clifton Johnson, a guy who apparently looks like George Washington if you can even find his website. Don't google him or you get a black guy from North Carolina. Clifton Johnson has less of a chance than Tony Clifton.

Another Republican candidate is named Bart McLeay, one of those pro-life nuts, pro-gun nuts, no taxes nuts and cut spending unless it's free money for farmers nuts. Bart McLeay has as much chance as Bart Simpson.

Sid Dinsdale is running. Sid runs a giant bank.'Nuff said. Sid is Mr.Potter. He thinks all food stamp people are frauds, loves immigrants as long as they're white, and wants to debt ceiling eliminated. Christ, typical banker. He's too big to fail, but if you fuck him over on that car loan, you are toast. Dinsdale has as much chance as that Monty Python Hedgehog always looking for Dinsdale.

Now the contenders:

Shane Osborn. He's a miltary hero, haven't you heard? Did Shane get his leg blown off in 'Nam like former Senator Bob Kerrey? Nope. Back in 2001, Navy Flyboy Shane was flying a US spy plane around a Chinese island and some Chinese fighter collided with his spy plane. Oh I'm positive it was that Chinese guy's fault, crazy red bastards they are. Shane saved his crew by landing his spy plane under difficult conditions. Heroic? Indeed. Of course what other choice did he have? Unfortunately he landed the plane in China and the commies all got a good look at a US spy plane for 10 days. They were gonna give Shane a medal for this. And they did.

Shane ran for State Treasurer in Nebraska and won. Well of course he did. He spent 4 years doing whatever it is a State Treasurer does and then decided he's ready for the big time. Osborn has the endorsement of the Freedom Works kooks so I guess that's good. Shane Osborn leads in the polls because he's the only one anybody's heard of. Isn't he that guy who brought the Chi coms to their knees by giving them his plane?

And then there's the above pictured douchebag name Ben Sasse. Ben Sasse is a down home Nebraska conservative with common sense. Born in Fremont, you know, that city that outlawed Mexicans, in 1972. Ben was forced to stay here till 1990 because of that whole parents paying for him thing. But dammit as soon as he turned 18, he was so outta here when he went to Harvard, Yale, then back to Boston. Then Ben went to DC and served the Bushies until 2009 as one of those creepy bureaucrats republicans hate so much. So with my limited math skills, Ben Sasse, down home Nebraskan, spent 19 years outside of Nebraska and 18 years in it only because he had to. Liz Cheney even says damn man, what a carpetbagger.

Ben Sasse wants to be Senator so bad he brought that jug eared miser Paul Ryan here to endorse him. He has the endorsement of the Dick Army. And now he's so desperate to prove what a Nebraska rube he really is, he wants to bring the Capitol of the United States to the middle of Nebraska for some goddamned common sense. Oh I know he aint serious cuz only a fucking lunatic would be, but Sasse's other ideas are lunacy. For instance, besides the obvious Tea Party bullshit, Sasse actually said on tape that if Obamacare became law (too late,dipshit) the United States would "cease to exist".

Oh for fucks sake. Look at that guy. He looks like one of those sleazy lawyers on The Good Wife. He's currently only at 7% in the polls but he has money behind him. Guys like Sasse scare me. He reminds me of those TV preachers who suck the IQ challenged out of their money. In this case the IQ challenged have something more important than money. Votes.

Just to be clear, if guys like this get Senate seats, the UNited States WILL cease to exist. Keep smilin' pretty boy. Maybe that lobbying job you covet will be there after you lose. God I hope so. Bruce Dern is more of a Nebraskan than you are.

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