Monday, September 29, 2008

Thanks But Thanks!

Penance for the Obama cover. But you still owe me 30 Hail Marys.

Bedtime For Bonzonomics?

The only good thing about this $700 billion (yeah right) bailout of Wall Street is that hopefully, once and for all, the notion that by handing the wealthy a whole lot of money, they will be altruistic and let it trickle down to the great unwashed. You know, Reaganomics, the trickle down theory, supply side economics, the Laffer Curve, Noah's Ark, Bigfoot, all that nonsense.

When Ronnie Reagan took over, and conservative America began their 28 year circle jerk, the country was ready for something new. The only problem was Reagan's economic views were based on one thing, I, Ronnie, me, pay too much in taxes. That's it. Oh, you can study the theories and post your graphs, but all it really was about was him. Him and his wealthy supporters. Give me back my money, and I will invest it and all sorts of good stuff will happen. So the Democrats, having had the backbone-ectomy somewhere around this time, went along. The rich got richer. The poor got, well who gives a well there ya go again about the poor.

Regulation is coming back, my friendshh. Trusting you cowboys with money is just not a smart move. They had a 28 year free ride. It's over.

Christ, who am I kidding? This will blow over about the time Simon Cowell starts being snarky and rude again. Ronnie, you are still giving us the Bronx cheer. Congratulations. With that little head nod, and that grandpa tone, you soothed America's crying. Yeah, I may be struggling to pay the gas bill, in debt up to my eyeballs, have no retirement plan, and just feel plain lousy, but by god, I live in a country that can solve all my problems by bombing the shiite out of anybody they choose. U-S-A!

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Somebody Up There Really Likes Me!

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid was one of the first movies I ever saw without my Mom or Dad. Dropped off at the Six West Theatres and getting to choose one of six movies to see? How cool was that in 1969?

Paul Newman passed away over the weekend. He was freaking 83 years old. Paul Newman is NOT 83 years old. The real "Old Blue Eyes" is not allowed to get old and die of cancer. No!

Well, he did get old and die and once again, I am sad. This has been one shitey year for this kind of thing. These people I really like and admire keep dying. My fear is nobody will come along to replace them.

Paul Newman, the kind of actor who knew who he was. He played Paul Newman, brilliantly of course, but he played himself a lot. He played himself in Empire Falls, a great HBO mini-series. He played himself in Nobody's Fool, a crusty old guy looking to hit the trifecta. He played himself in Road To Perdition, a patriarch. He played himself and he always called younger people "kiddo". I loved that.

If you want to see Paul Newman really act, and he could act, see him in The Verdict as an alcoholic bum of a lawyer. Watch him when he knows he's been betrayed by Charlotte Rampling, and woman or not, he decks her.

See Newman in Fort Apache The Bronx, not the greatest movie ever but watchable. Watch him when he sees the dead body of Rachel Ticotin, who has overdosed on heroin. Watch him refuse to accept it and attempt to wake her up. How much of that acting involved channeling his son's death from drugs a year or so earlier?

Oh there's so many. You know them. But what really defines Paul Newman is not acting but his actions in real life. The $250 million in charitable giving, the camps for sick children, the 50 year marriage to Joanne Woodward.

No no no! Paul Newman isn't dead, or 83 years old. I gotta go. I have vision while rest of the world wears bifocals! Next time I say let's go to Bolivia, let's go to Bolivia. Bye!

Goodbye Cruel World!

Back on September 12th, one of the greatest writers I've ever read decided he'd had enough and decided to check out early at the age of 46. David Foster Wallace hanged himself on that date, a fate that if you've read the man's works, was not exactly shocking. Wallace wrote of despair and loneliness and frustration with an honesty I was not used to. Dark and cynical, yet funny and at times, hopeful.

I had first read David Foster Wallace's works back in 2000 when he wrote about John McCain's ill fated campaign for President in Rolling Stone. Now remember, the McCain of 2000 was not the man who is running now, and Wallace, though still suspicious and cynical of McCain, wrote many words of admiration for this so-called maverick. I agreed at the time with Wallace and became fascinated not only with McCain, but with the writer.

I read Infinite Jest, a really long 1000 page novel he wrote back in 1991 or so. I read Brief Interviews With Hideous Men, a series of short essays about fictional men of questionable character. Consider the Lobster had a wonderful essay about talk radio and how Americans are beginning to base their thinking on what some guy working for Clear Channel says.

Anyway, if you like satirists, curmudgeons, cynics and plain old cranks like James Wolcott, Tony Kornheiser, Mencken, Carlin and the like, David Foster Wallace may be for you.

I will miss the guy. But seriously ,dude, I understand the depression, I understand the need to say bye bye, but hanging yourself? Not too creative.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Cavaliers 2 PITA 2

That's Max overreacting to something as the goalie hangs off the crossbar. The Cavs were rusty but pulled a tie out of their playbook in the last minute. PITA was a good team full of 6 foot 3 & pesky 12 year olds. They really have no name per the schedule, but PITA sounds good to me. Pain In The............

Friday, September 26, 2008

I'll Pay You To Take These!

This was what the Nebraska football program had become last year when those two a-holes had taken a sledgehammer to the illustrious program. This year will feel the effects of last year's demolition. Tonight, the Huskers finally play somebody with a pulse. Watch it on ABC. I'll be there. I'll be the one in red.
Last week , Turner Gill's Buffalo Bulls hung tough with Missouri and covered the 34 point spread bringing us to 4-0 on the season. This week bet on Virginia Tech. You even get 7 points. Trust me , my friendshhhh, this Husker team is a long way from being any good. They won't even win ,much less cover a 7 point spread. Good luck.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Is There Hope?

One of these people is the face of evil, the other is evil's innocent victim. Last January, 20 year old Kyle Bormann sat down to watch the Green Bay Packers and the New York Giants play in the NFC Championship game. He started drinking whiskey and got ready to root his Packers onto the Super Bowl.

Brittany Williams was at her job. She was working to put herself through UNO and become a nurse. She also volunteered at Habitat For Humanity and the Boys and Girls Clubs. She was going to make the world a better place.

Kyle Bormann was drunk. He was pissed. The Packers had lost. He thought the officials in the game had favored the Giants. The official was black. Some of the Giants players were black. In the twisted mind of Kyle Bormann, despite the fact plenty of black men played for the Packers, the black referee favored the black Giants players. Therefore, Kyle Bormann had to make his feelings known, Somebody black had to die.

Brittany Williams called home. Did anybody need anything? Her mother said it would be nice if she picked her stepfather up some KFC for when he got off work at midnight. She said fine, she'd stop on the way home.

Kyle Bormann sat in his car in a parking lot about 130 yards away from the KFC. He had his scoped deer rifle pointed out the window. The Packers lost, somebody black had to die. He pointed the rifle out the window and looked through the scope.

Brittany Williams pulled up to the drive-thru window to get her stepdad some chicken for later. She was like that, always thinking of others.

Kyle Bormann saw a black woman in a car at the drive-thru window of the KFC. This is it, he thought. Somebody has to pay. The Packers got screwed. Those goddamned black refs.

The window on the passenger side of the car shattered. Brittany Williams slumped over, a bullet in her head. She was dead. Just like that. Dead. The world ceased to be a better place at that moment.

Kyle Bormann drove away. He had to get closer to his kill. He drove up to the scene of the crime to view his revenge. That'll show them. The police began to arrive and put up crime scene tape.Kyle Bormann panicked and drove through the tape. The cops chased him. He jumped out of the car and stumbled away. The police caught him. He drunkenly told them his sick story. He was justified he slurred.

Kyle Bormann was convicted today of 2nd degree murder in the killing of Brittany Williams by a jury of his peers . They apparently thought because he was so drunk, he couldn't possibly have planned this murder. 2nd degree murder. 21 years to life.

I don't believe in the death penalty. I do believe in throwing people like Kyle Bormann into a deep, dark hole forever. People like Kyle Bormann make me question everything. Whether this earth is worth saving. Whether I give a shiite if humanity survives. Whether I care if a higher power exists.

Then I think of people like Brittany Williams. There are so many more of her than him. At least I hope so

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

The Polls Show Whaaaaaaaat?

In a noble gesture today, John McCain, putting country first, has demanded the Friday debate with Barak Obama be postponed because it's past his bedtime or he saw the latest polls or he can't think of more than two positions on any issue or maybe he knows he's losing.
No seriously, it's so he can run back to Washington to help bail out his Wall Street buddies who employ his entire staff. Or perhaps it's one of those reasons listed above.
Postpone the debate? Are you kidding me? This is the biggest farce since Bill O'Reilly staged his huffy walkout on NPR 45 seconds before the interview ended anyway. Perhaps , McBush can send a subsitute who can't help but improve his chances, my friendshhhhh.
Sarah Palin? Naw, she's busy thinking of a clever way to accuse Joe Biden of sexism during her upcoming ass-kicking. Mit Romney? No, Sarah in a suit with better hair. Hillary? Please don't tempt her. Sorry I mentioned it. Cindy McCain? Naw, she'd probably try to adopt Obama. Chuck Hagel? Well there you go. An actual maverick Republican. The only problem is he'd flip the race upside down. The "base" would go apoplectic, and the "blue collar" Democrats would love the fact he's white.
It would be anarchy. But I guess in reality, it already is.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

So, Where's Yer Funny Hat?

You know the only thing discussed here were kids names and how Todd once used Afghans for a dog sled race.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Boys, I Never Ever Lost To Missouri (except when Callahan was my boss)!!

Well , the Huskers don't play this week as they need rest after that barnburner with Las Crusces Community College last week so we can concentrate on another favorite team. The Buffalo Bulls, coached by the guy Bill Callahan ran out of Lincoln, former Husker great Turner Gill, travel to Columbia, Missouri to pick up a paycheck and offer themselves up as an easy win to Missouri, the beast of the Big 12 North. Easy? Not with Turner Gill up against you it isn't. Turner, the guy Tom Osborne wouldn't stick into that sinking ship's captain's chair because he liked him too much, is a great coach. You know how I know that? I know it because Buffalo is an absolutely horrific program. Turner made it no so bad. Coach Gill gets 34 points at Missouri today. We can go 4-0 if his Bulls can cover. They will. Take the points. Missouri is good, but not that good.
Last week San Jose State killed San Diego State by much more than 6 1/2 so we go to 3-0 on the season. Our record:
USC -19 over Virginia WIN
Georgia -24 over Central Michigan WIN
San Jose State -6 1/2 over San Diego State WIN

Kill The Wodent!

Maybe Islamic cleric Muhammad Al-Munajid is just more of a Daffy Duck sort of guy? It seems ol' Munajid has put out one of those wacky Islamic fatwahs out on the Disney rodent. Kill the Mouse! Well, for once, I actually agree with a religious order. Now if only the Catholics would perform an exorcism on Bill O'Reilly!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Why Can't I Quit You?

I have no idea what's going on here but over 9,000 people, including some females, packed the old Civic Auditorium to watch whatever it is. Ok, I know it's Ultimate Fighting and it's all the rage among the people who have figured out professional wrestling is fake yet think boxing, with all that Marquis of Queensbury rules junk, is for sissies.

Ultimate Fighting is for lack of a better word, a street brawl which would bring the SWAT team running if it happened out on Capitol Avenue. But these 9.000 people, including some females, actually like watching two human beings (I assume) pummel each other into a bloody pulp and crawl around in very homo-erotic positions on the mat. In fact, they get so close I'm surprised Fred Phelps and his inbreds didn't show up to protest.

Watching it in bits and pieces on the Spike (how manly) Channel, I have concluded that the sport not only suffers from a brutality only a true sadist could enjoy, but it also suffers from the ultimate sin. It's freakin' boring. Once the two doofuses in the octagon hit the floor and start crawling on each other it turns into real wrestling. The kind with singlets and headgear and really short squat guys, not the steroidfest with the huge actors. Let me tell you one thing. If there's another sport in the world that is more sleep inducing, ok golf is worse, it has to be wrestling. I know because I've participated in it. I wrestled for a few weeks in high school. It bored me when I was actually fending off some mouth breather checking my oil, so I can't imagine watching it.

Some say it's illegal under Nebraska law. Really? Punching a guy in the face, kicking him in the taint, choking the life out of him is illegal? I'll bet the 9,000 people, including some females, would want the government out of the ass-kicking business. That is, if they knew there was some sort of government.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Who's That Old Man Standing Next To My Sarah?

What is the problem with you white women? You favor McSame and the Governor of an Iceberg by a 53%-37% margin. Just because the old man dipped into the shallow water and plucked out a sneering, smarmy , sarcastic, pathological liar named Sarah you white chicks begin to swoon like he'd picked George Clooney or something. Oh , she looks like us. Oh, she reminds me of my friends. Oh, she reminds me of me. I have news for you. Who the hell wants your friends, or for that matter, you, being anywhere close to the "nukular" button? Come on , white babes, think. Start thinking. Get over the initial pride and start to analyze the situation. Sarah Palin isn't like you. She doesn't remind you of your friends, unless your choice in friends tends toward the back stabbing shrew.
I would expect white men, who are known boneheads, trust me on this, I am one, to think Sarah Palin's a hot commodity. In fact, white ladies, they like her because they think they could go hunting with her and on the way home impregnate her for the sixth time. White men are notorious blockheads, just think Bill O'Reilly, and blockheads vote Republican. So please, white women, start to think. She represents everything you've fought for years. Don't let Bill O'Reilly and your similar pinheaded husbands get their way.
The country needs you to save it.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Fire Chuck Long!

Oh the good old days before Smiley and his Super Bowl losing coach came to town and pissed all over a storied program. Today, the former storied program continues its Bully Back To Prominence Tour with some team from Mexico coming to town. Considering last week's almost loss to Saint Joseph (which would have been a loss if the Super Bowl coach had still been in place) and the fact the Mexican team is just terrible, Bo should squeak out another win and continue as the greatest coach in Husker history. But just remember, Bo, 75% sucks, better keep that 100% win percentage going or you'll be back home wandering the sidelines with the best coach the MAC has ever seen.

Last week's investment came through when Georgia stomped the middle of Michigan into the ground so we are 2-0. Today's wager, errrr, investment features the aforementioned St. Joseph or San Jose State as it is known on campus and San Diego State. Last week San Jose held its own with Bo and the boys from Lincoln and San Diego State disgraced itself by losing to that sad, decrepit team from South Bend, the Drunken Irish of Notre Dame. Absolutely disgraceful, Chuck Long. So this week give the 6 1/2 points and see San Jose State roll. Notre Dame? You lost to Notre Dame?

Hermano Feliz De CumpleaƱos!

He's lucky I didn't use the picture I wanted to use. Happy Birthday to Kevin!

Friday, September 12, 2008

Full Breed Cretins For McCain!

As if it wasn't depressing enough already, this "voter" in Florida decides to advertise his IQ on his front lawn. Either that or he thinks Barak is a Wal Mart brand cotton fabric. No, sorry, Republicans, it's not available in bulk. The sign, that is.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

A Boyle On The Anti-Abortion Butt!!!

The former Mayor of Omaha , Mike Boyle, did something heroic yesterday and got a ticket for it. Hooray for the former mayor (who got recalled from office for throwing a butter patty at a Governor) because he decided to stand up to bullies and fools.
Barak Obama, in some sort of pie-in-the-sky stupor, actually opened a campaign office here in the big city of Omaha. Somewhere between 600 left wing nutjobs (if you are a right wing radio listener) and 900 outnumbered, brave Omahans (if your brain is still intact) showed up to dedicate the small strip mall office. Unfortunately, so did one paid employee of the kookburger Rescue the Heartland. You see, what this paid employee of this anti-abortion cult does is drive around Omaha in one of those trucks with the high sides on which they haul giant panes of glass. There's no glass, but there are giant photos of what they purport to be aborted fetuses. If you've ever seen it, it is offensive, gross and frightening to small children. The paid employee showed up and parked his exhaust spewing truck right there. Our former mayor, a brave man, decided to hold his own protest and blocked the cult's truck with his own vehicle so nobody could see it. The paid employee of this cult, cried to a policeman and the policeman ticketed Mayor Boyle.
Good for you, Mr.Boyle. Standing up to these bullies is all they understand. In fact, why don't you run for mayor again?

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Forgive Me, America!

I used to be that guy who indignantly expressed my ugly American-ness by claiming how much I hated soccer. That sport played by greasy Euros and third world urchins was not American enough for my jingoistic thought process. Oh no, soccer is played by wimps. Football, baseball, basketball, hockey, boxing, now those are manly sports. Soccer is boring. It's for non-athletes. It's for little kids to get hold of their coordination before they move on to real sports. I refused to listen to those people, mostly foreigners, who told me to give it a chance. You like baseball, they'd say, soccer is a lot like it. Relaxed, slow moving, lots of strategy. Oh yeah? Lots of 1-0 games ,I'd respond, and if you're lucky, 2-0. Then a few years ago when the World Cup came to the United States I was challenged to watch a game or two by those pesky foreigners. I watched a couple of games. I lied to the foreigners. It still sucks I'd proclaim. In reality, it intrigued me. I wanted to learn more. I started watching the sport in a clandestine manner, late at night, in the dark, with sound down really low. That GOALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL guy was the best.

Then Max began playing at the age of 4. I could now watch soccer without being demeaned. I like soccer. There, I said it. It's a great sport. Not as great as baseball, but still great. I love to sit there and watch it unfold before my eyes. Now I know this isn't popular, especially here in a state that worships 19 year old children in pads and helmets who grow to unnatural sizes and push each other around. Football, the state religion, often bores the hell out of me. It's 5 seconds of action, then they stand around and talk about the next 5 seconds of action. People are on the edge of their seat, stomachs gripping, veins bulging, lives shortening, over a game. Now I know soccer fans in other countries are the same, in fact, often worse, but let's face it, soccer is the football of the rest of the world. Soccer here in the U.S. is relaxing and often attended by tens of people. Perfect for me. Lots of room to stretch out, relax, and watch a game in which the clock never stops.

My confession is complete. You don't like soccer? Good, more room for me.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Friday, September 5, 2008

Little Bo's Peeps!!!

The most perfect Husker coach in history goes for win # 3 against Saint Joseph State on Saturday and 85,000 people will show up and give the upper management no incentive whatsoever to schedule teams that crack the top 200 in the future. Bo will go to 3-0 lifetime with a huge victory over a team that ran up 13 points on somebody from Davis, California last weekend. Yawn! Go Bo!
The best investment of the week is Georgia. Give the 25 and watch something else. Get a life. Mow the lawn. Read a book. Watch Sarah Palin again and tell me she's not a smug, sneering, sarcastic trollop. Oh yeah, USC covered last week so we are 1-0.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

How Many Closets Are There In Saint Paul?

Barbara Bush shows up in Saint Paul looking better than she ever has, uhhh what? Rudy who? Keynote speaker? To the Republicans? I shoulda known.

It Was A Dark And Boring Night!

Well at least one Republican knows how to cope with Fred N Joe! It's not exactly 80,000 living, breathing people at a Stadium now, is it?