Friday, April 27, 2012

Mike, Do You Take Ike?

Fruity? Ah hahhhhhhh! Chewy? Ah hahhhhhhhhh. Tony Perkins, not the one with mother issues, but the Family Research Council one,you know the OTHER one with mother issues, has caught you, Mike and Ike. All that time I was chomping down the Mike and Ikes, I was being gayed with some sort of chemical or subliminal suggestion that Mike and Ike were more than just a bit fruity, but full blown, parade waving, drag wearing, mustachioed homos! How could I not have seen that? Thanks, Tony, now I know why I love the gays and hate you. Sorry, too late. Now pass the Tropical Fruit Mike and Ikes. I love feeling like I'm in Key West without actually having to put up with the Jimmy Buffett gays.

Hey Mitt, now that you've paid for your coronation as the next Bob Dole, I have the perfect running mate for you. Marco Rubio? No, too dishonest even for you. Chris Christie? That blue collar beast? No chance, Mitt. He thinks a dressage horse is Secretariat in a dress. That no name Senator from Ohio? Jesus, Mitt, why not just pick the corpse of Woody Hayes to pander to Ohioans? No no, I have the guy for you, Mitt. Even though there may be constitutional problems with my pick (but hey it didnt stop that Kenyan Muslim socialist, did it Mitt?), go for him, Mitt. That pick is....taaa daaa, Anders B. Breivik, the Norwegian Ted Nugent. Hey , Mitt, he's whiter than you, he's gunnier than you, he isn't some sort of NRA wimp like you who only hunts "varmints", this guy blows away liberal kids. And he can tell who they are just by sight! Think of it, Mitt. Breivik is a tea party icon. He hates Pete Seeger, he hates non Christians, he hates Christians who actually practice Christianity, and did I mention, he's whiter than you? Think about it.

I am so sick of Anne Romney I could just about stop watching reruns of Gilligan's Island and snickering at her Mom, Lovie Howell. Anne Romney really never ever did work a day in her life. Sorry, Moms. While she was "raising five boys" I seriously doubt if she ever missed a lunch with the girls, a riding lesson at the stables, a fund raiser for the local orchestra, or simply staying in her room with a migraine. She had maids, nannies and who knows what else cleaning the snot off Tagg's runny nose while she was "volunteering". Now Anne Romney has done other things that may be admired. Such as surviving breast cancer, and multiple schlerosis. Thanks to Mitt's fortune who could pay cash for the best treatments. Sorry, Anne, I'm glad you're well, but stop with the fucking victim bullshit. You were living the high life, while you're robotic husband was out making other people's lives, many with cancer and MS themselves, even more miserable. Stop.

Ted Nugent? Way back before Ted even sang his own songs (remember Derek St Holmes?), I was covering concerts for the local college rag. I had to endure a Ted Nugent concert once from backstage. Ted was a nut in 1976, running around with a loin cloth, playing loud pointless guitar jams, screeching at the roadies, and telling his manager what row some chick he wanted to bang was sitting (there were at least 10 backstage by the end of it all). Nugent was a bit off that night. He wasn't yet shooting flaming arrows or ranting about Democrats onstage. He was a complete heathen. A self absorbed narcissist without a sense of decency to others. It amazed me then and it even amazes me more now that anybody keeps this asshole's career alive. Go away you fucking psycho.

And last, I have been training to run a half marathon in Lincoln, Nebraska on 5/6. I am so tired I'm not sure what it will be like. It scares me to be honest. But I will trek onward. And sometime before midnight, I hope to waddle across the finish line on the 50 yard line at the football stadium. What have I signed up for?