Thursday, February 28, 2013

Deep Threat!

And I thought Ben Shapiro was a ignorant douchebag. Bob Woodward, yeah THAT Bob Woodward, has apparently gone all in on his contention that the Kenyan Muslim White House cabal has "threatened" him and he has run off to suck Sean Hannity off so he can stay relevant. Oh Bob, you looked so much better when 1970's Redford was playing you and you were "threatened" by a real White House cabal led by psychotic paranoid freaks like Liddy.

Woodward has already misinterpreted at best and plain lied at worst about the White House staffer who told him he would "regret" running with the "story" that accuses Obummer of wanting to raise revenue along with spending cuts to avoid sequester and thus "moving the goal posts". Oooooooooooo, Bob has been "threatened". What, are the Islamic White House staffers going to lash you in DuPont Circle? "Threatened?" Fuck Bob, I'm a graduate of journalism school and even I know that "regret" means you'd get the story wrong and look like a big dumbass, not that some secret band of burka wearing swordsmen will swoop in on your squash game and lop off your noggin.

Bob, you really haven't been relevant since you stumbled into Watergate 40 years ago. But you are respected nonetheless. Until now. Running off to Fox News? Are you fucking insane? Actually sucking up to Hannity for yakking about Bill Ayres in 2013? Bob, stop. For your own good. Or the next actor playing you will a similarly irrelevant Robert Redford.

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Oscar Time! Not Pistorius Time!

Hey it's Oscar time again and I have made it through all the nominated movies for Best Picture with the exception of Amour because I don't want to be reminded of what's right around the corner. You know, drooling and forgetting uhhhhh what was I saying?

Anyway here are my Top 10 of 2012.

10) Cabin In The Woods--talk about a freaking bloodbath. Tarantino probably gets jealous at the end of this weird ass horror picture. Hey it has a bunch of young people in it, none of whom I know, except Max told me that one of the guys is in the Avengers or Captain America or something. But for us old folks, it also has Richard Jenkins, Bradley Whitford and Sigourney Weaver and THEY are running the show. Until that bloodbath of an ending. Watch it just to see Bradley Whitford exclaim "ohhhhh come onnnnn..." right before, well watch it.

9)The Grey-- I love Liam Neeson. He's 60, he's got an Irish accent, and he kicks everybody's asses. In this thriller, he's leading a bunch of downed plane crash survivors through the wilds of Alaska. And oh yeah, wolves want to eat them. Think Liam Neeson is going to stand for that? Not a chance. The wolves snack on everybody except Liam. That is until the end when it's mano y lobo. Stay on it to the end of the credits to see what actually happened.

8) Flight--for white knuckle fliers like me, the crash scene in this movie is eye closing shit. But Denzel Washington pulls it out and saves a bunch of people. And he's drunk and high. Hey, that deserves a raise as far as I'm concerned but the FAA and all those notpicky "bureaucrats" decide that aint cool. The movie is really about addiction, and redemption. It's very good.

7) Silver Linings Playbook---Had this movie had a more realistic ending, this may have been the best. But they just had to put two bipolar nutjobs into a happy ending where all the years of mental illness just went poof after they sucked at a dance contest. The real ending would have been Jennifer Lawrence stabbing Bradley Cooper to death in his sleep when he played Stevie Wonder one to many fucking times.But nooooooooooo, we cant have that.

6) Bernie--Jack Black is effin great in this. A mild mannered funeral director caring for a psychotic ball busting old lady played by Shirley MacLaine. Well, as any of us would have done, he kills her. God, whacking Shirley MacLaine must have been so cool for Mr.Black. Anyway, I loved this little movie about small town Texas which featured actual residents of this town saying what a pain in the ass Shirley MacLaine was, I mean the character she played was. I think.

5) Beasts of the Southern Wild-- what a joyful little movie this was. With a six year old named Quwhatever Wallis living with her drunken Daddy on the wrong side of levee in Nawlins and the great people who live there, everything is a celebration. Even death and destruction. This little girl is a revelation and was nominated for an Oscar. And yes, we will probably never hear of her again. But check it out.

4)Les Miserables-- hey if 10% of the world is gay, then 10% of straight guys can like musicals. Right? This adaptation of the long running stage play was the first time I'd seen this. Ever. I had tickets once for a touring company but couldn't go and had to listen to the people I gave them to tell me what a freaking waste of time it was. But then, they are dumb so I dismissed their opinion. I was actually fighting tears during this thing. Yeah Anne Hathaway was THE one who made me gurgle. And hey, there's lots of dead people in this for us happy ending haters. Now I gotta see it onstage.

3) Argo---hey if I criticize the ending of Silver Linings Playbook I gotta do the same here. The chase on the tarmac didn't happen. But shit, if the ending had been a bunch of polyester wearing Americans getting their passports stamped and leaving, who wants that? So Ben Affleck got a better ending and got hosed.I like Ben Affleck. He makes great films. Gone Baby Gone is brilliant. The Town is ridiculous but a thrill ride. Argo is his best. If you were alive back in 1980 you couldn't help but feel he nailed the time. It will probably win the Oscar and I have no problem with that.

2) Life of Pi--I saw this in 3D, which I hate and was blown away by it. Basically it's a kid on a leaky boat with a tiger. The tiger never gets all cuddly, the kid is never not frightened. The 3D is the best I've ever seen and the story, well, at the end it gives you the option on what to believe. It's the one movie this year that made me think. A lot. But it just couldn't get past #1.

1) Zero Dark Thirty--I wrote about this earlier. But this movie combines everything you need. Strategy. Fear. Anger.Edge of your seat thrills. And you know the fucking ending. Kathryn Bigelow got all "Argo fuck yourself'ed" out of a nomination every bit as much as Affleck did. And once again I argue, if you think this movie condoned torture, you just were not paying attention.

There were a few others I really liked also.

Arbitage with Richard Gere was great. Jeff Who Lives At Home was superb. The Dark Knight Rises did its job and made me not fall asleep. Skyfall turned James Bond into Jason Bourne and that's a good thing. The Dictator, hey I like Sasha Baron Cohen and think he's a brilliant comedian. Rock of Ages I liked. Tom Cruise, Alec Baldwin and Russell Brand were all cant take my eyes off the screen brilliant.

And this.

Lincoln-- I know this has gotten a lot of praise. Yeah, it was a wonky kind of movie I usually love. Daniel Day Lewis is a big a lock to win Oscar as Dick Cheney is to be indicted if he ever leaves the borders of the United States. Tommy Lee Jones is fantastic. Sally Field I really liked her. But the movie didn't move me. Much like last year's Steven Spielberg flick, War Horse, Lincoln was flawlessly acted, directed and shot but dammit, it just didn't make me feel much of anything. Maybe I expect too much out of Spielberg I don't know. I wanted to weep at War Horse but did not. I wanted to cheer Lincoln and hate the slavery defenders but I didn't. I don't know why. Oh Steven, it's not you, it's me.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

And Hagel Thought 'Nam Was Bad!

Oh Ben Shapiro. You know him? Good. I didn't think so because anybody with a ounce of sanity has no idea who this punk is. He writes for the website Breitbart News (sorry I can stop giggling). You know Breitbart? Andrew Breitbart? Good, because he's dead. Pickled himself to death I think. That may have been the official autopsy report on Breitbart, who dropped dead staggering home one night back in March of 2012. Thanks goodness for Mr. Breitbart as he never had to witness the re-election of Barack Nobama and the nomination of Mittens Willard Romney. That would have killed him right there.

Anyway the twerp who picked up the booze slurping overflowing Breitbart gauntlet is one Ben Shapiro, who you can find being fellated by Sean Hannity on a regular basis on that Fox News channel that only stupid people watch when CMT is showing another rerun of Smokey and the Bandit 2. Ben wrote the above listed expose' on that well know commie anti Semitic traitor Chuck Hagel that will surely torpedo that nomination. Right? Except "Friends of Hamas" does NOT exist. Christ, detail details Max's Dad. So what? Hagel probably WOULD take a few shekels from FOH if it did exist. And probably would also take rubles from "Wife Beaters For Hagel" too. That is if they existed.

This whole story is so fucking convoluted it's not worth rehashing. All it comes down to is Shapiro is now an official member of "Dumbshits Against Hagel" or "DUH" (yes I know its an A in the middle but if a geek like Shapiro can make up nonexistent groups I can finagle a letter). Shapiro, who called the passage of Obamacare worse than the Dred Scott decision, will now run off to his sugar daddy Hannity to cry on old flathead's shoulder. And he will stand by his story I am sure because Fox News wants its brainwashed lemmings to believe it. The facts never stopped them before, why now that the Prodigal Son of Breitbart has carried on family tradition of making shit up.

More of this is coming I am sure. Conservative wingnuts believe anything. Shit, they believe in conservatism. What more evidence of wingnuttery do you need? Kentucky rug wearing Senator Rand Paul was going to look into Friends of Hamas. That is after he looked into the Breitbart News big story about smuggling guns from Libya to Turkey. (the best part of Hillary's testimony was the eyebrow arched "Turkey?" when confronted with that bullshit from Randy).

Ben Shapiro has responded to his being caught being a gullible nerd by asserting the attack on him is because of a complicit media protecting that Kenyan Usurper in the White House. Ben then claims all this can be cleared up by Chuck Hagel releasing his records. Records? Of contributions from a non existent group? What the fuck Ben? Breitbart is a year in the ground and though not by much, his brain waves function better than yours.

Friday, February 15, 2013

We're Gonna Need A Bigger Boat Just For The Lawyers!

Hey am I the only compassionless creep on earth who has a difficult time conjuring sympathy beyond 'ahh that sucks" for the Carnival cruisers who sailed around on a floating porta potty? Whoa thanks!

The first lawsuit has been filed against the boat company by some passenger, probably met by a dockfull of ambulance chasers, who claims she was deprived of her "enjoyment of life". Yep, Cassie Terry, poor baby, had to smell shit and piss for a few days while the boat bobbed up and down and she had to live like your average third world resident does their entire wretched life. Sorry, but "ah that sucks" is about all I can muster.

Never ever have I had the slightest inkling to get on one of those monster ships and putter around the ocean while I do the same shit I could do on land. Swim in a pool? Really? On a boat? Gamble? Like in a land based casino? See shows? Like in a land based casino? Eat crappy food? Like in a land based casino? Hit golf balls? Like at a land based driving range? Sleep in a closet? Like in my land based house? No thanks.

Ya know, every one of those people who were inconvenienced, and that's the word, deserve their money back in full. The deserve plane tickets home. They probably even deserve a token payment for their trouble. But to sue for "deprivement of the enjoyment of life"? Boo fucking hoo! Most of us would be in court 24/7.

The lawsuits will come in force now. Lawyers will be running ads during Maury asking "were you deprived of the enjoyment of life?". The cruise line will be sued because of the time it took to get these people back on land. Chrissakes, the Carpathia got to the Titanic faster than Carnival did to their floating germ factory. But don't ask me to be in these people's corner as long as Haiti, or Katrina, or Sandy, or tsunamis exist. People involved in those are truly deprived of the enjoyment of life. Who are they gonna sue? The Invisible Sky Dude?

And the media. CNN, MSNBC, Fox, ABC, CBS. Stop comparing a bunch of comfortable cruise passengers to some person living in a Sri Lankan shithole wearing a San Francisco 49ers 2013 NFL Champions t-shirt eating dirt and pissing in his water supply. It's not the same. These people have a way out. They go home to their intact houses, their intact lives and their intact jobs where they aren't chained to a sewing machine making 2 cents a day. The average Indonesian lives on that boat their entire lives. So stop the wailing, CNN. These people are fine.

I wish I could be on a jury involving these people. Is there such a verdict as "ahhh that blows, sorry"?

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Bat Scratch Fever!

What kind of crazy person would bring Motor City Madman (no seriously he IS mad) Ted Nugent to the State of the Union address? I mean really, even Congressnutjob Steve Stockman (Daft-Tx) wouldn't bring a Glock sucker like Ted, would he?

Oh of course he would. Steve Stockman is embarrassing even for Texas and that's a whole lotta embarrasin.

There could be a reasonable explanation on why a loony like Nugent would be allowed into the Capitol. Is Ted on his Make A Wish trip since he will be dead within the year since Nobama was re-elected. Could Ted be a secret Democratic plant that makes all child murder advocates look bad?

Ted claims he will be there as an "uppity Motown guitar player" presumably to keep an eye on that uppity Kenyan usurper he hates so much. No idea if Ted will offer up his machine gun for the Muslim gun grabber to suck on. No idea if he will offer to shove his big gun up Hillary Clinton's hoo hah. I sort of wish he would, just to see her kick him in his weenie. But the Nuge is all talk, we all know that. He shit his pants to avoid Vietnam, called a paralyzed Congressman "shit for brains", and attempted to adopt his underage gal pal so not to get thrown in the Sandusky wing of the local pen. i wonder how his love child up in New Hampshire is doing?

Ted Nugent, freedom loving Amurkan. Otherwise known as draft dodging, statutory raping, one hit wonder with a screw loose upstairs. Let us just hope that a Secret Service sniper has a tiny red dot attached to Nugent's forehead the entire time Nobummer is speaking. If he makes a move, well I guess it's Wang Dang Sweet Bloody Vapor Tang.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Mush Hockey!

Here's what I know about Hockey. A bunch of guys or gals skate on an ice rink and try to get a small circular hard rubber disc, or puck, into a net past a guy who looks like that kid in Christmas Story who was overdressed. Guys or gals get bashed into boards a lot, and that's legal. Guys or gals slash, hook, interfere, trip, charge, elbow, high stick, hold, spear and cross check and that is not legal. If you do any of those things and get caught, you go sit in timeout for a couple of minutes and the other team has a one person advantage. Naughty naughty, and I've always thought "slashing", whatever that is, should be punishable by jail time. It sounds horrible. And hockey is played indoors. There, that's all I know about hockey. Oh yeah, and the Maple Leafs are the Cubs of the NHL. Pathetic.

Well, hockey was played outdoors in Omaha over the weekend and we went. It was 40 degrees, windy and the sun was out. In the opening game, the Omaha Lancers played the Lincoln Stars. This is glorified high school hockey and it was fine for what it was. Once again, it was 40 degrees, windy and the sun was out. Therefore, the sun was melting the ice and the game had to be stopped numerous times so the help could shovel the mush off the ice. The puck often would stop when it hit a mound of mush and the player would then fall trying to stop. Ha ha!

There is one other thing I knew about hockey that I'd forgotten. In college hockey they are not allowed to fight unless they wish to get ejected and suspended. So it doesn't happen much. My experience with hockey here in Omaha is college hockey so I'd really forgotten about fighting. So imagine my surprise when a couple of 16 years olds began punching each other on the ice and the crowd of drunks around me stood and began bellowing like a UFC match had just broken out. Personally, watching a couple of kids throwing haymakers makes me want to go on the ice myself and holler "break it it up fellas!" But I would have had to climb over the drunks, gone down about three sections, walked out onto the baseball field and to the ice rink and by then either me or the two kids would have been too tired to say anything. So I let the guy in the striped shirt handle it. They both had to go to timeout for 5 minutes and think about what they'd done.

Don't get me wrong, I like hockey. It's a fast, action packed sport played by the toughest sons of bitches on earth. They get their noses busted and they just keep playing. They take a puck off the grill, bleed like Chuck Wepner, and don't even bother to wipe off the blood. They get their teeth smashed out and the keep on smiling anyway. The testosterone on the ice is so intense, every player has a beard by the end of the game. And that includes the gals who play.

But outdoor hockey? The second game, the college game between Omaha and North Dakota, had to be postponed because the ice was melting so bad they needed the sun to set. North Dakotans, all in giant green hockey jerseys, simply went back to their snow machines to drink more anti freeze. Max and I left to go to Lincoln to watch two basketball teams , Nebraska and Penn State, play inside and shoot 73 free throws. YAWN! Now THAT game could have used some fights. Or at least some "slashing"!

Friday, February 8, 2013

I-O-Way I-O-Way That's Where The Tall Nuts Grow!

Just when you think the dumbest man in Iowa is Steve King (Satan-Ia) along comes somebody even lower on the food chain to take the title. Iowa State Rep Tom Shaw , presumably not the Styx guy, has introduced a bill to that body of esteemed Iowa law rapers that makes it "murder" to get rid of a fertilized egg as soon as that gooey glob of sperm attaches itself and makes it a human being. Been raped? Tough shit, slut! You were probably asking for it. Miscarriage? Yeah right you murderous trollop. Shaw, a legislator from someplace called Laurens,Iowa, brags on his website about "He is a proud member of the Veterans of Foreign Wars, the National Rifle Association, Gun Owners of America, and Iowa Gun Owners. Ok there Tommy. I see, you're one of those guys who like the building of the baby, but once it's born it's a target for one of your big guns. Again, probably asking for it.

Shaw claims that per his proposed law "a person is a person, it just simplifies things" . Yes, I get the feeling a LOT of shit has to be simplified for Rep Shaw to get. Then just to make sure Tommy Shaw isn't all alone over in the dunce corner along comes another Iowa Rep to help make Tommy Shaw not feel so fucking dumb. Rep Rob Bacon ,from some place called Slater, Iowa (gawdsakes, I'm right across the river from these people and I have no idea where these places are) has joined Tommy Shaw to try and help charge evil Iowa tramps with murder for taking that Plan B pill or douching with Coca Cola or whatever it is these Iowa brain deads believe. Bacon, who I believe has now charged down the stretch to pass both Shaw and King in the Annual Iowa Dumbshit Derby uses that same old hackneyed "for some reason, we can protect eggs of a spotted owl … but yet we don’t put the same emphasis on our children” barroom drunk wisdom to justify his taxpayer funded waste of time.

The bill has no chance of ever moving out of committee because the other Iowa reps have discernible brain waves. Look, Bacon and Shaw. Here's more simplicity for you. A blastocyst has no eyes, no brain, no legs, no arms, no feet, no hands and no opinions. It is not a formed human being. In fact about the only positive thing I can say is no fertilized egg, blastocyst, zygote or fetus has ever voted for either of you.

A while back, English scientists (phooey on science) asked for a woman to come forward to carry a Neanderthal DNA'd fetus. Are we sure this hasn't already happened a long time ago in Laurens or Slater, Iowa??

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Ray Lewis, Here's A Real Reason To Cry!

Since the Chicago Bears are never ever in the Super Bowl I usually have to decide on which Super Bowling team
I hate least and root for them while consuming mass quantities of stuff guaranteed to put me out like a Ray Lewis murder victim.

Ray Lewis. Yeah, that's more than enough to make me scream for the 49ers with the gusto of me attacking a sourdough bowl of clam chowder.

Ray Lewis, the orc-like dancing, crying, praying, attention seeking misdemeanor murderer. The gawd inspired bullshit artist father of 6. With 4 separate babes. Hey man, go for it, but don't feed me the Gawd horseshit while you are air locking some groupie with Ed Reed.

But the Ravens have more to hate. Ed Reed, the guy Tom Brady tried to spike in the ballsack. One of the few times I said right on about Tom Brady. Ed Reed, the man who thinks the NFL has "more important things to police" than keeping his brain intact when he's 40 and even dumber than he is now.

Bernard Pollard. The guy who knocks people silly with his helmet, tears knees apart, hurts other players on purpose and then complains the game isn't safe enough to even be played in 30 years. Yeah, because of muggers like you, Bernie!

Terrell Suggs. This guy is a piece of work, or something. He ripped his Achilles tendon while playing basketball, I mean, "conditioning" himself. He likes to beat his baby's mama with his football fists and drag her along in a car while he's driving away with his two kids in the vehicle. Oh yeah, and he has guns. Oops, not anymore. The cops came and took them away so he couldn't kill his baby's mama. Wink Wink.

Then there's those goddamned ugly ass, European League looking uniforms the Ravens wear. Black and purple. They look like my leg did after I fell off Devil's Tower last summer. Jesus, who the fuck designed those? Your average Baltimore resident? Incorporating their favorite colors, the color of a good beatin', and that gawdawful Maryland flag that looks like somebody sprayed ketchup and mustard all over a wall and then saluted it.

Hey enough on why the Ravens and their city suck.

The 49ers are not perfect. They have Chris Culver, a stupid 24 year old safety who thinks being funny involves gay bashing and overcoming his suppression by bragging about the ladies on some suicidal radio host's show. Artie Lang? Really, Chris? What did you think he'd ask you? How to solve the debt crisis?

The 49ers have Jim Harbaugh also. He's a great coach, but a complete psycho. Acting like a crazed maniac on the sidelines, staring like Charlie Manson, and celebrating wins with the grace of a hungry pit bull, Harbaugh is easy to hate.

But still, despite Culver and Harbaugh, Ball-mo is far worse. Their entire team is hateable . From their uni-browed overrated QB right back to their gangsta defense they make me crazy. But there is one reason beyond any others I hate the Ravens. They actually force me to put aside my intense dislike of all things Steelers two times a year. I really didn't think that possible. Congrats Ravens. May you all be there when Ray Lewis melts down after Gawd himself says Go-eth and fuck thyself, brother Ray.

I Thought This Cell Phone Had A Cone Of Silence!

You know being Lieutenant Governor of the State of Nebraska is about as low on the political food chain as one could go, but this bottom dweller, Rick Sheehy, has made Loot Gov'na a majah playah, baby!

Rick Sheehy, yeah it doesn't matter, he used to be Lieutenant Governor of my state. Well he aint no more. Seems our fine happily married "Guv to be" likes to carry on with the ladies. On his cell phone. On his STATE PAID cell phone. So you see, this no fun of ANY kind type for YOU conservative Republican skinflint is yet another do as I say not as I do phon-ey that 99% of them are. Bye bye Ricky. He resigned yesterday about 2 seconds after he was confronted with his 2300 cell phone calls to 4 different chicks on his, once again, STATE ISSUED cell phone.

Phony AND stupid. What more can I say? The rest of the story isn't worth the time I'd spend boring you with.