Monday, June 30, 2008

I Still Love Ya, Kate

More movie talk today. The Entertainment Weekly list of the Best 100 Movies of the last 25 years was entertaining but some of it was wrong. There are 10 movies on that list of 100 I absolutely despise. They are celluloid wastes of oil and whatever other materials go into making a piece of film stock. I hope all of these burned up in the Universal Studios fire. In fact, the 5 pieces of crap I listed yesterday are better than any of these:

99) The Blair Witch Project---remember what a sensation this was? Shot with a camcorder and stuffed with actors you've never heard from again, some really dumb people actually thought this hunk of shiite was true. I remember the theater was packed, the crowd was only half stupid, and at the end I exclaimed "Where do I get my hour and a half back?" Half agreed and the other dopey half looked at me like shut up old man.

90) Napoleon Dynamite--- What.....the.....HELL......was.....this? I actually had to question a few of my younger friends intelligence quotient when they raved about it. Ok, they aren't friends but co-workers and I have to interact with them. They act like this Pollock-like mishmash was their generation's Animal House. I feel really sorry for you people. I have Belushi and you have, uhhhhhhhhh, that big toothed geek.

77) Sid & Nancy--- Gary Oldman is one of the most underrated actors out there. However, in combination with some fake blonde, pudgy, nails-on-the-blackboard voiced dinner theater reject named Chloe something screeching "Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid" for two hours it was unbearable. I couldn't wait for Gary Oldman to kill her. I may have cheered.

66) Natural Born Killers---this Oliver Stoned "commentary" on American violence was more like porn for serial killers. This godawful waste of time was so vile, so revolting, so utterly without redeeming social value it made me think censorship wasn't a bad thing. It turned me into Antonin Scalia and for that, I will never forgive Mr. Stoned.

55) Fatal Attraction--- while everybody was so focused on Glenn Close and her Medusa hair, her crazy eyes, and the fact she boiled a bunny, nobody at all thought Michael Douglas deserved every second of it. She looked nuts, she was nuts, he had Anne Archer at home, he was the ultimate idiot. I didn't buy a second of it.

50) The Piano--- this Holly Hunter vehicle was supposed to be some sort of women's lib (how 70's of me) flick. Instead it was just another excuse to let Harvey Keitel let his weenskie hang out. Holly Hunter won an Oscar for this confusing feminist tale of a deaf mute, ohhhhhhh I get why Holly Hunter won the Oscar now. Thanks fer shuttin up hun.

38) Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind--- If you like this movie, you are a goddamned liar. This thing almost made me hate Kate Winslet and trust me, that is almost impossible. Sit me down, and tell me what this was about, then explain to me why you liked it. If you can through half of that task without laughing, seek professional help.

27) Aliens--- Oh, this was going to scare you they said. We know you hate science fiction space movies but trust us, this one is different, it's realy good. Guess what? I still hate science fiction space movies.

8) Silence of the Lambs--- a slasher flick with a million dollar cast. I'd read the book. I knew what was going to happen. The night vision scene when the packed theater was stomping their feet in fear and sucking in air made me laugh. I hated this movie. The book was better. It won the Oscar. Shame on Oscar.

1) Pulp Fiction--- Quentin Tarantino is a sick freak. I hate his looks, I hate his fascination with mindless, cruel violence, I hate Reservoir Dogs and I hate, hate, Pulp Fiction. I wanted Eric Stoltz to jam that needle into my chest. John Travolta is a big lump of an actor. Sam Jackson is brilliant but when given this material, even he sucks. Sorry, folks, the best movie of the last 25 years is terrible. I wanted them to accidentally blow my head off in the back seat. The fact that people in the theater actually laughed at that scene made me uncomfortable. The only thing funny about this movie is the fact people think it's funny. Kill Bill? No, Kill Quentin. Figuratively, of course.

Wow, 1987 Really Sucked

With all the talk about the Top 100 Movies of the last 25 years how about this list: Five movies from the last 25 years I liked and you can't possibly under any circumstances think I have a brain cell left in my head for admitting it. But here it is:
1) Street Smart--1987--Chris Reeve wasn't much of an actor but Kathy Baker and Morgan Freeman are. If you can't watch Morgan Freeman as Fast Black, the bipolar pimp, threaten Kathy Baker's eyes with a knife, and not think damn, is that emeffer a real pimp?, well then you just can't.
2) The Pope Of Greenwich Village--1984-- yeah I know Eric Roberts chews up scenery and Mickey Rourke pre-plastic surgery) refuses to chew anything but this little movie about a couple of losers and a horse racing scheme hit home with me.
3) Saving Silverman--2001---No it has nothing to do with Sara Silverman, thank God, but Jack Black, Steve Zahn, Amanda Peet and especially R Lee Ermey crapping in the bushes amused me. It still does. I am a sick man. Oh yeah it has something to so with Neil Diamond.
4) Disorderlies----1987----- The Fat Boys come to care for Ray Milland while Tony Geary tries to whack him. I can't understand a word that comes out of the Fat Boys' mouths, and Tony Geary does a bad Harvey Korman impression. oh hell the movies sucks but once again, I was amused by the complete stupidity of it.
5) Who's That Girl --1987---I should lose all my civil rights for this one but sorry, Madonna and that helium voice made me like her for 90 minutes or so. Oh yeah, I do like Griffin Dunne in most anything but this one won't appear in his Best Of DVD. It should, but it won't. Yeah, kill me but I admit it. I liked it.