Sunday, June 30, 2013

Re-Enact What?

150 years ago in a Pennsylvania field a bunch of Americans decided to fight with each other. With cannons. With guns. With knives. With Swords. With their fists. And for chrissakes, about 51,000 of them were killed or wounded. Yeah it was Gettysburg, you guessed it. July 1-3, 1863. The Civil War. The one where good did triumph over evil, though these days, had it not been for that freeing the slaves thing, I'm not sure I'd have been for that war. Please Dixie, go.

Max has been to Gettysburg. I haven't. But the souls of thousands of people still haunt that place I am sure, and I don't even believe in souls. And one of the most disturbing things happen every year about this time, and that's a whole bunch of weirdos dress up in blue and grey and pretend fight each other, I mean "re-enact" the fun times of Gettysburg.

So what, Max's Dad, it's a lot of history geeks like you getting together and having fun. Big deal. What's the harm?

Well, nothing really. At least nobody gets hurt this time. But I really question why someone would want to take part in the "re-enactment" of an event where 51,000 people were killed or wounded? I mean, we don't "re-enact" the Twin Towers tumbling to the ground, or dropping an atomic bomb on Hiroshima. Hey, why not "re-enact" the Holocaust? Or why not take part in a fun time in which you can "re-enact" the fire bombing of Dresden? Or how about the Battle of Khe Sanh?

Hey, have fun. Whatever floats your boat. But taking part in a sterilized version of something NOBODY wanted to be a part of strikes me as odd. I just wish these folks went the whole nine yards so to speak. Let's re-enact the mortally wounded being devoured by hungry pigs, the infections from minor wounds that killed thousands, the amputations by hacksaw with no anesthetic, the piles of arms and legs, the screaming and the horror.

Just a thought to ruin your Gettysburg high. By the way, jamming opiates into guys with missing body parts so they could die in peace was the ultimate high.

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Did Something Happen This Week?

Wow, what a week. It was so hard to keep up but let's give a shot.

Edward Snowden? Who the fuck is he again? If I remember from looking at his picture, isn't he the guitarist from f.u.n. or Of Monsters and Men or something? I'll get back to him if I can remember what he did. Something to do with telling me something so obvious that only the dreamiest, utopia seeking pollyanna stargazer could not have known. Hmm, I'll think of it.

Voting Rights Act? Yep, Diana Scalia and the 4 Supremes decided that since Republicans have no shot at winning a Presidential election anytime soon, they'd try and win it for them. By suppressing the vote of all those pesky minorities and uppity chicks. Seems back in 1964 a bunch of southern states liked their all white citizens councils, their all white juries, their all white gubmint and their all white polling places and they didn't wanna give that up so they beat the shit out of any minority loudmouth or northern agitator that threatened their little fiefdom. Then LBJ came along and said hey, fuck you Dixie! And voila! The Voting Rights Act came along and leveled the playing field. Well, about 48 years of that experimental shit has been about enough cuz after all, we have a Kenyan socialist as President, twice. Heyyyyyy, we didn't want it to go that far!

So the VRA is no more and literally hours, two to be exact, Texas started to put the kibosh to any of that ethnic voting rights shit. Show me your conceal carry card, you're in. Show me your student ID, you are out. Don't mess with Texas y'all.

Wendy Davis. The best Texan since Molly Ivins, or Ann Richards, or Jim Hightower. This woman talked and talked for hours on end to stop those Texas Republican misogynists and their useful female idiots from passing a law that banned abortion effective right after the Texas sodbuster full of Lone Star spotted that cute lil waitress he knows wants it. Senator Davis, who is now target # 1 of the Texas Voting Rights Act Sucks Assholes, eventually got shut down by pricks like Texas Lieutenant Goober David Dewhurst, the guy who actually lost to Senator Ted Cruz (Canadian-Tx). But the people of Texas let loose with such a commotion that the Republicans couldn't get the bill passed. So much commotion the Texas Republicans resorted to what all Republicans do as their first instinct. They cheated. Attempted to past post the vote. Dewhurst, you been watching The Sting again?

Rick Perry. What this dick's mission is is beyond me. This dumbshit can't be content with wasting taxpayer money by calling yet another special session of that band of drooling armadillo roadkill called the Texas Legislature. No, he has to call out Wendy Davis in front of a Pro-Life band of unfuckable prunes. You're a class act, Rickie.

And oh yeah? What the gays now have to get married? Gay Marriages on TV 24/7? Gay Marriages in your church all day Sunday? Gay Marriages at the shootin range? Well that's how the right wing reacted. 4 times married El Rushbo was apoplectic, serial adulterer Newtie Gingrich was beside himself, and already gay married Michele Bachmann was for some reason really upset. Well good for the gays. You now can get married in 13 states by an Elvis impersonator or at a drive thru window and be just as married as those idiots who spend $50K and get married by some scam artist claiming to have a hotline to the Lord.

Rand Paul. This fuckstick get loonier and loonier by the day. Hell, at least his Daddy would make sense for about 30 seconds until the tin foil hat collapsed and off into crazyland he'd go. Rand Paul, in that age old tradition of lunatic Republicans, immediately goes to the marrying an animal card. No, Rand, you will never be able to marry an animal. You see, Rand, animals can't say yes. Kind of like that muskrat you got second hand from Donald Trump that sits on your head didn't say yes.

Ed Snowden? Still hasn't come back to me. I guess he's moving to Ecuador. Is there a big alternative rock scene down there? Have fun in your new home. Anyway Ed, in salute to your new home to be,¡chinga tu madre!

Sunday, June 23, 2013

More Lone Star Loony!

I don't really know anything about Tyler,Texas. I don't know where it is, I don't know who lives there, I don't even know if it was named after Steven Tyler or Tyler Lautner, but one thing I need to ask is what the fuck is wrong with you people?

Louis Gohmert (Asshole-Tx) is the guy you want as the face of your town? I mean I know he's a Republican and a right wing dipshit and all but 71% of you good people of Tyler (isn't that what they all say when some dick does something really bad in any town?) actually pulled a lever or filled in a dot or threw a dart at a wall to express your support for this prick?

Gohmert is an embarrassment not only to Tyler, but to Texas and quite honestly to the United States of 'Merica. Gohmert has proven himself to be nuts so many times he makes Steve King (Possessed-Ia) look like fucking Bono or something. Gohmert, with his "terror babies" or "Muslim Brotherhood inside the gubmint" or his pulling a "hey do you know who I am" card while trying to park in spots reserved for people other than him, or his blaming "attacks" on Judeo (and he aint too sure about that bunch I'm sure)Christian ethics for a red haired maniac shooting up a movie theater, or his liking warm oil pipelines so caribou can get it on (yeah he may have stole that from Poppy Bush), or his wanting to repeal the 17th Amendment, the one calling for direct election of US Senators, cuz it was a Federal powergrab, gawdam I cannot go on! This guy is just fucking nuts.

Now being nuts is fine. Crazy is a virtue sometimes but Gohmert has now crossed over into a field nobody can advocate, being a dick.

Gohmert, in trying to make sure that the leeches who get food stamps don't get them no more, got up on the sticky floor of the House of Kooks the other day and forwarded that age old story that absolutely nobody has ever seen for themselves, you know, where the Caddy drivin bling wearin Obama phone talkin poor is buyin the crab legs with the food stamps while poor Clem behind them stands there with his "ground meat". Gohmert knows this because a whole bunch of his constituents see this all the time down there in Tyler while they stand there drooling and paying income taxes so that the blood sucker in front of them can eat the crab legs. How can you begrudge them this anger? Well first of all because it doesn't happen any more than the welfare mama in Chicago with 7 aliases happens. Second, Louie, an average of $133 or so is given out for food stamps in an average month for your high falutin poors who probably have a TV and a phone and maybe even a copy of Bill O'Reilly's book.

Yep, Gohmert is a dick. But he can't stop with the crab legs with food stamps bullshit. Nope he goes that extra mile down the Dick Highway by calling the poors "obese" and hey, it don't look like they're starving to me, no sirreebob! What an ignorant fool this nasty man is.

Hey Louie, next time you are in the Piggly Wiggly, and you decide you want some crab legs (which by the way are "food"), just remember, those same constituents you care so much for, and are so pissed off at the poors for being poor, are also buying YOUR fucking crab legs. So stop being a dick cuz what goes around comes around. YOU, and the rest of your dipshit congressional friends fucking up this nation, are the real leeches.

Louie Gohmert, Baptist, Texan, State Judge, Aggie, all adding up to D I C K.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

A Town Full Of Heels!

Wrestling. A really old sport. An ancient sport. A sport with some of the weirdest fans ever. I'm not talking about those idiots who go to that fake wrestling soap opera shit, I'm talking about the real wrestling where people enjoy watching short, squat muscleheads with Napoleon complexes roll around on a floor grabbing each others junk and wearing weird looking onesies.

Norwood, Colorado has such wrestling fans. Never heard of it? Yeah me either and from what I've heard the town should be on your anti-bucket list for visiting.

Seems the school in Norwood, nicknamed the Mavericks cuz they are all so mavericky or something, has pretty much taken sides with a couple of wrestlers who think duct taping a 13 year old boy down and jamming a pencil up his ass is pretty funny shit. Yeah, the "victim" here is the principal's son and the two "offending" boys are the wrestling coach's kids. Did I mention this town full of rubes won a state wrestling title recently? So you guess who won this battle. Yep, that pansy ass who actually complained about being violated by a couple of he-men with a foreign object had to leave town after being harassed by his fellow students who I assume enjoy having things jammed into them against their will by repressed closet cases. Yeah. Go Mavs!

Wrestling is the toughest sport I ever attempted in high school. I was actually a member of the all boys school wrestling team for a short period of time. Yep, beating the team's 175 pounder in a gym class really was not a smart idea. So I got hooked into this stupid ass sport for a few matches. I lost a lot. My only redeeming value as a wrestler was my super secret move I would pull out of my repertoire on occasion. I never knew when this move would come on, but it was deadly. Absolutely devastating. My nose would bleed at the slightest touch at age 16. Gawdam was that a killer move. It won me two matches. Out of 17. Hey it was the 70's and none of that disease stuff was around yet. So bleeding all over some dude and a mat and grossing him out and leaving him open to a pin as some wild haired bleeding maniac was grabbing him and snorting and scaring the crap out of him did not make a referee stop the "bout".

But let me tell you. Wrestlers are an odd sort. I was 6 feet tall which meant I was at least 6 inches taller than any of the rest of them. I was a regular Andre the Giant so they didn't mess with me. But the others. Wow, was that some strange behavior. I stopped showering at the school and would go home and do so just to avoid witnessing some of these bizarre antics. Towel snapping, dry humping, good lord it was like being in movie prison. And that was the coaches. No, I kid.

Around the country there are hundreds of these type of incidents on a yearly basis. And a shitload of them involve wrestlers. And it always involves sodomy of some sort. And these small towns (I'm looking at you Harlan Iowa) band together to support the rapists and blame the victim for reporting it and making their town full of clodhoppers look bad. Yeah take it like a man, Mickie! Oh wait, they did. Too bad in their support of sodomizing athletes who make their town look good, these same yokels would run a gay person out of town. Funny how that works, if you rape somebody, that's good, if you actually welcome the same act, it's bad.

Hey they don't call them Bum Fuck Colorado (or name your state) for no reason!

Friday, June 21, 2013

Lone Star Lunatic!

If I wasn't so unsure the American public has had enough oxygen the last 15 years, I'd be doing a prayer dance or something hoping like hell the Republicans nominate Governor Rick "Oops" Perry in 2016 to be their latest loser in the Presidential campaign. But unfortunately, I cannot be that sure the American public wouldn't go for this grandstanding Texas imbecile as one of those "refreshing change of paces" you hear about stumbling into positions of power right before the lights go out.

Perry is perhaps most famous for his Aha moment in 2012 when he couldn't remember what 3 agencies of gubmint he would dismantle if he got hisself elected to run the whole shootin match. Even a squeaking troll like Ron Paul offered his help and the Rickster still didn't have enough brainpower to pull the department of whatever out of his ass. Cmon, Rick, you'd have already lost to the Kenyan Socialist Spymaster if you'd looked deep into the camera and said something like "ah hell I'd just get rid of the whole damn government except the part that blows shit up!" The Tea Party would have all spotted 4 hour plus boners and had to run off to their taxpayer funded doctors for help.

Rick Perry is a thinking man's wet dream to run against. The guy is the epitome' of Texas stupid. Perry recently compared the Boy Scouts allowing gay scouts to remain or join to the abolition of slavery, and not in a good way. Perry, using that outside agitator shit that right wing nitwits all love, said "pop culture" is to blame for the Boy Scouts pulling their heads out of the 1800's into the mid 1900's (a small step yes but a step) and that tough guys like Sam Houston didn't let that kind of garbage into Texas when they were holding slaves and them pop culture sissies wanted them to free the fully employed slaves. Or something stupid like that.

Perry recently signed one of those War on Christmas bills that allows poor downtrodden Texas Christians to put up nativity scenes and highly religious articles like Xmas (oops I may have violated Texas law by shortening that phrase) trees in the schools. It also solves another non problem by letting public school employees to say "Merry Christmas" to each other without being sent to Texas Death Row. Wow, Rick, I'm not sure what is worse, you, or the dipshits in the braintrust called the Texas Legislature that actually took taxpayer money to waste their time passing this kind of religious "freedom" manure. Hey, Rick, Happy Ramadan, you fucking infidel. Your "freedom" has a price.

Perry is now running around to civilized places like New York and Connecticut and Illinois and California attempting to poach businesses into leaving and coming to Texas where they can drink sugary drinks of any size until their hearts explode. Ahhhh, freedom. Perry taking on the likes of Jerry Brown or Michael Bloomberg or any other northern politcian of reasonable intelligence may seem fruitless, or even a massive mismatch, but remember, Texas is the Indonesia of America. Yep, Perry has made sure there aint none of those commie unions or actual regulations down there in Texas. Hey, a fertlizer plant just blowed up and killed hundreds. Yee Haw! What is more appealing to the "job creators" than that kind of regulatory neglect from a sitting Governor? On the other hand, Ricky, all those Northern interlopers don't all think like you rootin tootin Texans, so you may just get bit in the backside by that strategy. That is unless the howling coyotes in your legislature decide to pass some of those voter suppression bills you people are so fond of. Ahhhh, freedom.

Rick Perry IS the thinking man's wet dream to run against. Yes indeedee. Thinking man. Hmmmm. On second thought, keep that Texas sodbuster where he is. He may just be dumb enough to win.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Steven Kings' Latest!

Young people showed up to Rep Steve King's(HumanExcrement-Ia) office today to speak with him about his insanity, and his bitter opposition to letting these young folks live in his beloved United States, even though they've been living here for years anyway.

Poor Steve King, scared out of his little brain by the brown urchins who have come to eat him, tweeted for help:

"20 brazen self professed illegal aliens have invaded my DC office. Obama's lawless order gives them de facto immunity from U.S. law."

If Stevie King thinks those young thugs look brazen, he'd probably shit his khakis if and actual black person moved into his district.

Stevie King later, after presumably hiding under his desk, was so scared of these hoodlums he tweeted again for somebody, hopefully a 100 year old John McCain, to come save him:

"#Gof8 You promise border security. How, when we can't secure Congress from Obama amnesty? Schumer, McCain, come guard my door." .

Neither man showed up to hold Stevie King's hand. I presume that King lived through the harrowing experience since we haven't heard a word from the Iowa fly buzzer since.

Hey at least those kids weren't holding a bottle of tea and some Skittles. or King would have been pleading for George Zimmerman to come save his worthless ass.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Rock Chalk Koch!

I live in Nebraska, a relatively quiet state full of nice folks with quaint 19th century views on things. Our state government is kind of milquetoast, not much goes on, crazy ass bills don't get passed, and the Governor is a diminutive little man who showed up at a Tea Party rally and looked like me at a funeral in a church. Yeah, I have to come here but this place and these people give me the creeps. So here in Nebraska, we aint that nuts. Oh we still don't much care for the Mexicans, the gays give us the willies and the Vaginal-Americans are getting a bit uppity with their havin sex and gettin pregnant and not wantin to birth the future Republican fetuses but all in all, we Nebraskans are a moderate lot.

But go south, gawd forbid, and it gets weirder and weirder and its getting too goddamned close for my comfort level.

Kansas is just south of us in more ways than one. Kansas used to send sane people like Bob Dole and Nancy Kassenbaum to the Senate where they argued their conservative views in a way that didn't send some of us into a bunker. But Kansas has changed since the Wichita based Kochsucker Brothers started throwing around their billions convincing Kansans that The United Nations was in Missouri heading their way and that the Sacking of Lawrence was actually a good thing because Lawrence, home of the state university, is full of educated people who can figure out the Kochsuckers are evil robber barons. Kansas has gone nuts since 2010 when they elected a Jesus freak named Sam Brownback as Governor and a legislature full of brainless roadkill tea party Republicans.

Got HIV or AIDS? Well in Kansas, the legislature tried to repeal a law that forbade the quarantining of such folks. Yep, the Kansas House and Senate passed it and Brownback (wasn't that a character in that Liberace' movie?) put his X on it. But don't worry, the Kansas state health department assures everyone that won't happen. The state health department also assures us that abortions cause breast cancer, condoms lead to pregnancy, abstinence is a lot of fun, and the sunflower is not a gigantic pretty weed.

A couple of years ago, Brownie and the legislature boys (there cannot possibly be any women in this idiotic club, can there?) passed an anti-Sharia law bill that keeps the Muslim honor killings out of Kansas. Of course the Christian honor killings of abortion doctors are a-ok with the Jesusy Kansas hierarchy. Yeah it is now against the law in Kansas to honor Sharia Law, a HUGE problem in Dodge City or Garden City. This solves a problem that has haunted Kansans since.....never.

Kansas legislators, a dubious term at best, have also suggested hunting "illegals" by chopper with some guy shooting at them like burrito carrying buffalo, want science teachers to openly question evolution in classrooms, want to ban the teaching of climate change, want to deny any sort of state money to those commie wind farms, ban abortions in all cases and make it illegal for abortion provider workers from volunteering at their kids schools, and take the fluoride outta the water in Wichita cuz it causes brain damage. Hey, I've been to Wichita, they may have a point.

Anyway, years back I read a book by Thomas Frank called What's The Matter With Kansas? He questioned why people would continually vote with the Kochsuckers and against their own economic interests. I've got the answer. What's the Matter With Kansas?


Monday, June 10, 2013

Whistle While You Leak!

Ok #1 you are NOT a whistleblower, you are a leaker. There's a gigantic difference. A whistleblower exposes illegal activity either by corporations or by government. A leaker just exposes shit he doesn't like. And for that reason, I really don't care if Ed Snowden gets redacted or whatever other tin foil outcomes he may have conjured up in his mind. Oh they will find you, Ed, and running off to the "free speech" paradise of China (?) isn't gonna save you.

Now I hate to get all right wing here, but I think this asshole needs to be stuck into the cell next to Bradley Manning and watch Bradley walk free. Manning, in all his recklessness of releasing virtually everything he could to that Australian sex maniac, Julian Assange, at least released some relevant information showing airborne American flyboys firing on defenseless civilians and journalists. Now that, I assume, is illegal. What Snowden leaked, and then ran off to China (?) was information that the American government, the NSA to be exact, is grabbing your phone records. I will wait for you all to get up off the floor with that stunning information. Ok, regain your breath? It may piss off the Rand Pauls of the world, who live in some sort of fucking dreamland where they can shoot anybody they want, turn back the blacks at the door, and wear some sort of muskrat on their head, but it is not illegal. Sorry, folks, but its not.

What is the real "scandal" here? Well to me, its that 29 year old high school dropout can go to work for a private company, make $200K, and then leak anything he wants to some rogue professional gadfly like Glenn Greenwald, whose work I have enjoyed by the way. What the fuck! This is what privatization of military functions does to a national security already fragile at best. If these private companies aren't stealing pallets of cash, or overcharging soldiers for meals, they apparently let uneducated goofballs have access to anything they want. Yeah, teabaggers, privatization? Really? This Snowden character has no chain of command, no reins, no nothin. He can just grab what he doesn't like, after piling up years of $200K a year cash, and then pretend to be some sort of fucking hero. At least Manning had some sort of chain of command to answer to. Whether he should or not is another argument.

So before people assume my kneejerk reaction to this is to hail this guy as some sort of Daniel Ellsberg, it's not. This smug jackoff doesn't impress me a bit. And for any American to be shocked, or pissed off at this, is naive' at best and downright stupid at worst.

Meanwhile, I must get online and pay all my bills, sign up for newletters, write this screed, check my bank balance, pay my phone bill and then get my panties in a wad that somebody out there may be looking at the information I voluntarily provided.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Three Scandals Walk Into A Bar!

SCANDAL!! Worse than Watergate! Worse than Iran Contra! Worse than a James O'Keefe video! Nobama, the Kenyan Socialist Acorn elected pretender President is so evil, he is now embroiled in three scandals worse than My Lai, or the persecution of Dick Nixon, or a James O'Keefe video!

The first scandal is so egregious, so foul, so O'Keefeish, it's enough to not only have Nobummer impeached, but deported back to one of his home countries, Kenya, Indonesia, or Hawaii! The IRS, you know, those guys who steal your money so we can go to unnecessary wars and give tax breaks to corporations and rich job creators, put a little extra scrutiny on social welfare organizations like Tea Party Sez Fuck Obama and Patriots Who Want To Shoot Obama just to make sure they weren't abusing that tax exempt status by doing any of that extra social welfaring like buying tri corner hats, Dont Tread On Me flags or hilarious giant pictures of Barack Hussein Obama with bones through his nose or a Hitler 'stache. How dare they? Goddammit, House Republicans are all outraged that these fine, upstanding government money sucking leeches who hate the deficit and black guys were being harassed by NOT having their tax exempt status revoked thus increasing said deficit. Impeach now!

Scandal # 2 is almost as bad as Scandal # 1. Hey, in fact now that I'm writing about it, it IS! What is it again? Oh yeah, some Fox News guy, James Rosen, or was it the liberal media Associated Press, nah it must be James Rosen of Fox cuz we all know Republicans HATE the liberal media and don't care if every lib in the media was beaten to death by the descendants of Bull Connor, had his phone records subpoenaed by the Department of Injustice led by evil black guy junior, Eric Holder. Why? Well it seems Rosen let a story go about the CIA knowing North Korea was gonna launch a missile powered by baking soda or something and that the CIA has an "inside source" in North Korea. OOPS! Well thanks to that great patriot, Mr.Rosen, the CIA USED to have an inside source. Sucks for that guy. So Holder, devil horns intact, went to a court of law and had Rosen's phone records looked at to try and plug the leak. Damn Holder, going to court and shit. Why not just wipe your ass with a flag?

Scandal #3 is almost as bad as 1 & 2 combined. In fact, it IS! Benghazi. Geez, even I'm bored trying to make fun of that one. 4 people were murdered. By an Al Qaeda inspired mob. Everybody knew it by September. And it cost Mitt Romney the election cuz Obama covered it up so that everybody knew what happened 6 weeks before the election. Now I know Americans are kind of stupid, oh ok, very stupid, but 6 weeks is more than enough time to work yourselves into a lather over something you all knew about anyway. Poor Mittens. I can still see his face when Candy Crowley kicked him in his magic jock strap. Hee Hee!

Maybe some day, all of this will be over. But Republicans just love the smell of scandal in the morning. Smells like.....hypocrisy.