Thursday, July 31, 2014

Jesse The Body Ventura!

I used to love Jesse "The Body" Ventura in the 1970's and 1980's when he was pretend wrestling in the old AWA. Strutting around in a boa, shades, paisley tights and a scruffy beard, Ventura, from Venice Beach California of course, always could holler better than he could "wrestle". But damn if he wasn't entertaining. A friend and I once saw Ventura wrestle at the old Omaha Civic Auditorium and get thoroughly whipped by another rassler named Big John Studd. Later, we pulled back the curtain backstage and there he was, Jesse, drinking Coors Light with Big John. Jesse pointed at us and gave us a thumbs up. Damn I loved Jesse.

Jesse Ventura, of course, is nuts. Batshit crazy. But damned if I don't still listen to everything he says like he was still threatening to break Baron Von Raschke in two. It's all bullshit. Always was, always will be.

Jesse Ventura won an 8-2 defamation of character lawsuit over the estate of the late Chris Kyle. Kyle, of course, is the American sniper who wrote a best selling book about whacking Iraqis, 160 or so, and claimed he once decked Jesse in a barfight where Jesse was disparaging the war or Bush or generally being Jesse. Jesse sued and won.

Now I have no idea what happened in that bar. Ventura says nothing happened. Kyle said he decked Jesse. Kyle is now dead, murdered by a kook he took to a gun range.

All I know about Chris Kyle is he believed the Iraqi War was some sort of crusade against "savages" and "animals" and had stated he wished he'd killed more than 160 humans "savages". He also had claimed he had killed two men trying to steal his truck someplace in Texas but the cops let him go. He claimed to have picked off "bad guys' in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. Chris Kyle also claimed he punched Jesse Ventura in a bar and then ran away.

Jesse Ventura was full of shit in a profession that paid him to be full of shit. Tito Santana wasn't going to sue anybody for calling him a naughty name or for fake decking him.

Chris Kyle was in a profession that encourages "embellishment". His "story" of laying in wait and shooting people doesn't interest me in the least. I didn't read his book. I won't see Bradley Cooper further the myth. I have no interest in anything Chris Kyle did, or didn't do.

Jesus Christ, Chris, if you had to make something up about punching somebody, why Jesse Ventura? The man knows bullshit when he hears it cuz he gets paid to spew it forth.

I still love Jesse Ventura, even though he's won $1.8 million from a poor widow of an American hero and will probably take food out of Kyle's kids mouths too. Chrissakes, how can anybody live on $4.2 million the Kyle Kids still have?

Jesse The Body lies for a living and knows the rules. Chris Kyle didn't.

Case Closed.

Saturday, July 26, 2014

Go Big Redneck!

To be fair to Texas that gigantic state full of maniacs, we here in Nebraska North Kansas have our own share of people with too much time on their hands and Christian hearts.

I feel sorry for that 8 year old kid standing there. Not only cuz that flag must be heavy, but the weight of being taught to hate others must give her a headache.

I hope she's up on her vaccinations cuz of all that zombie disease flowing across the border.

Hey kid, let me give ya some advice your stupid mother won't. Getting bubonic plague is far less dangerous to you and your small little town than standing along a heavily traveled fucking interstate waving a flag and being an asshole.


She looks nice. The kind of woman who would give you the sheet off her back,right? I won't mention her name but let's just say she lives in a giant state full of people who elected a dope for Governor who thought putting glasses on would make him look all smart.

The nice woman, who after all is just afraid for her kids health, was lambasting State Representative David Simpson some right wing kook representative from Texas some giant state for expressing concern for 6 year olds sent to a foreign country by their own mothers concerned for their health. This woman, fresh from her Wendy Davis is a slut meeting, was really afraid. I mean really afraid. Of what?

"I believe your constituents should come first when you talk about people who are impacted,” Terri Hill of Longview the nice lady said during a town hall session that followed a slide show of Simpson’s the bad man's recent tour of the southern border. “You are to represent us, and we have children. These (immigrants) are people that are coming in with leprosy, tuberculosis, polio.”

Oh my. Leprosy? TB? Polio? Really?

Hey lady, UNICEF. ya know, those commies from the United Nations who want to take yer guns and land, says that Central American kids are more likely to be vaccinated against that stuff you fear more than your precious Texans 'Mericans. Ya see, cuz Central American countries have universal health care and you Texans big staters think that is pure unadulterated Marxism. So while 1 in 6 kids in Texas God's Country are not vaccinated against the polio and the scabies and the leprosy it's about 1 in 11 in Central America. Oops. Those pesky facts. Never let em get in the way of a good ignorant rant.

But hey, the pissed off nice lady from Texas North Mexico wasn't even the most angry. That honor went to a nice man named Thomas Rolland Tex who exclaimed:

Don’t take what we say personally,” Rolland Tex told Simpson the right wing rep who doesn't express enough hate for brown kids. “We need our borders protected. We need a lot of things, but what we don’t need is more people at the trough. These people are not coming in with a good, Christian heart. Most of them are criminals, anyway.”

Christian heart? Yeah. Tex, that's it. Why can't those 6 year olds not be criminals and have a good Christian heart you you do? Wow. That takes balls.

And a giant brain tumor.

Please secede.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Fig Newton!

I got lost in Newton, Iowa once. Something about a giant wreck on I-80 and getting the hell off the beaten path and voila, you're in Newton. All I remember is a lot of corn, a guy blocking my way in a giant pickem up truck at a gas station, and the fact I may be the only one ever who drove thru Newton and missed their big car racin track. Thank gawd I also missed their newspaper.

Bob Eschliman used to edit the Newton Daily News, which was probably a tough job. Not the editing part, the "Daily News" part. Bob wasn't content with just editing all the news permeating Jasper County, so he had his own blog where he would pontificate his actual feelings and not have to be all objective and shit about barrows and gilts futures.

Bob doesn't much care for the gays. And he let his feelings be known when he found out there was something called the "Queen James Bible" which the sodomites, uhhhh, gays edited, just like Bob, to take out all the homophobic bullshit and keep the subject all about loving your neighbor and not being a judgemental dick. Bob posted on his blog, Bob's Bullshit, hell I dont know, he deleted it, :

"(Jesus) said there would be deceivers. He said those deceivers would cause Christians who remain true to His teachings to become reviled. He said false prophets would follow to deceive even more, and that lawlessness will abound.

If you ask me, it sounds like the Gaystapo is well on its way. We must fight back against the enemy."

Gaystapo? Haaaaaaa...Cuz that sounds like Gestapo and he made a funny about a group of psychopathic serial killers who eliminated 12 million innocents.

Bob forgot all about that internet aint private shit and got caught being a bigoty fuck . And he got shitcanned cuz freedom of speech sometimes causes you to get in trouble, not legal trouble mind you, just oh shit why did I say that trouble.

So now Bob becomes just the latest victim of religious persecution of the Christian , fat, white guys and he's gonna sue to get his editing job back, or a lot of money, or a lifetime supply of tasty snack cakes.

Meanwhile, the bunkered down Christians are all outraged. Goddammit they are pissed so they started a petition to get Bob his job back with the millions of right thinking religious folk out there. To be fair, after two days they got 46 signatures and shut er down to avoid further obvious hacking by atheist Rooskies , embarrassment.

So let's get this straight (har), Bob is a victim while the millions of gays fired, beaten, killed, and forced to stifle laughter while women swooned over Rock Hudson and men talked how they'd like to nail Kelly McGillis in an elevator are just "deceivers". Bob, of all people, you should now know what minorities go through. Cuz, Bob, you are NOW the minority.

And Bob, shhhhh, when your court case is finally thrown out, I'm sure somebody will pop in to your favorite place to tell you.

Monday, July 21, 2014

The End Of Happiness!

I just wish that God would pull this jackoff right thru his bathroom glory hole straight into the hellfire he deserves.

Shit, I'm not happy any longer.

Thanks, Bryan Fischer, you closet case you. Because of you and your tiny lil mind I am no longer na na na ing along with Paul McCartney and now wishing I could stick my fist up your, oh never mind.

Fischer, who gives head to the American Family Association? Oh no, he IS head of the American Family Association, has such a problem with the gays he has called them "bullies" and "belligerent". Remember when Burger King put the Whopper in a rainbow wrap in San Fran only? Jesus Christ, how deviant. Fischer couldn't wait to say that hey come on, the last thing you need while eating some cow's ass is to "think of two guys having sex". That says more about you than I really want to know, Bry Bry.

Fischer is also not a fan of Mitch and Cam from Modern Family for being all gayee and stuff. Per Mr.Fischer, same sex relationships are portrayed as wonderful (well at least he didn't say fabulous) while heteros are portrayed as "bondage, dreary and gloomy". Christ,Bryan, once Mitch and Cam are a couple of years in, dreary, bondage and gloomy will take over there too.

But Brian Fischer tweeting out a message like that? When hundreds of innocent people were murdered by supporters of the right wing's favorite man's man, and AIDS researchers are among the dead, including Joep Lange, a man who saved lives, tried to save even more lives, and would have saved even more lives, is just the kind of thing a human gnat like Bryan Fischer should just shut the fuck up about.

Damn you, Bryan Fischer. It's YOU who is the one to take me from humming All My Loving to being mad again.

The next time you're incognito at a rest stop out on Highway 78, I hope some people finally realize what a stupendous fuckstick you are and refuse to make you happy. After all, The B F doesnt stand for Bryan Fischer ALL the time.

Saturday, July 19, 2014


Eric Clapton is the most overrated performer, idolized by so many, of all time. There I said it again. So shoot me.

But from 1966 to 1968 he was "God". Well he was one of the trinity anyway, along with Jack Bruce and Ginger Baker, when Cream was around.

Cream existed for such a short period of time that most I cannot believe anyone even remembers them. But oh my god, do we ever. Hell, these guys were gone before I'd even gotten over my Monkee love. But they endure and endure and thank goodness for that.

There were only 4 albums. And every song was fuckin great. Clapton could play the hell out of the guitar back then. Bruce was the best bassist and vocalist out there and Ginger Baker, well Ginger Baker is a madman, a lunatic, maybe dangerous, and aren't those guys the best drummers around?

Favorite Song:

Tales of Brave Ulysses

Ginger Baker starts this song off with haunting drums, Bruce keeps the beat going and talks the lyrics like the Greek poem it really is and Clapton, damn forget what I said earlier, he plays the hell out of the guitar. English bands really are smarter than their American counterparts. This song is why. Who the fuck is Aphrodite?

Worst Song:

They don't have one. Instead they have even more favorite songs.


You couldn't go the internet and look up what that meant in 1967. So you assumed it was dirty. Or drug related. It isn't. Just remember, the rainbow had a beard and the picture had a mustache.


Clapton sings this one and probably appropriately. His good buddy, L'Angelo Misterioso, comes in about a minute inro the song. Who is that again? L'Angelo What? Everybody knew who it was.

White Room.

Hey,it has black curtains. Was this tune one of the first to have that wah wah talking guitar dealie?

I'm So Glad

I'm so glad they resurrected this "hit" from the 1920's. When you heard this song was as old as your parents you realized with a little tweak, good music is good music. And if you watch I'm So Glad from 2005 you may get what I mean about Clapton since about 1972. He's perpetually asleep at the wheel.


Sunshine Of Your Love

What else could it be? That riff is legendary. If Smoke on the Water or Day Tripper isn't the first riff aspiring guitar gods learn, this is the one. Dundundundundun dun dun dun dun dundundun. Classic. Unless some shit English band like "Fudge Tunnel" covers it.

Forget what I said about English bands being "smarter" than their American counterparts. Wow, that sucks mate.

Friday, July 18, 2014

Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons!

My parents loved music in their later years. In their earlier years when I was a kid discovering their taste (Mitch Miller?)there were record albums around but nothing of any significance. In the later years they attended what are called "pop concerts" involving the local Symphony in which mostly has beens would come and sing for 3 days to a bunch of old people. Now that I'm an old person I completely get it but at the time ehhhhhh. After my Dad died, my mother continued to go to the "pop concerts" and on occasion would drag me along. Well maybe not dragged because I loved it.

One Sunday afternoon (oh those old people 2pm matinees), shortly before she got sick, the pop concert involved Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. I went with her.

For godsakes these guys had some monster hits. Besides being struck by the diminutive stature of Frankie Valli (Johnny Sack didn't call him the Mayor of MunchkinLand for nuthin)I could not believe how much this 73 year old man made me see what it was about the Four Seasons that made the perhaps THE most unique group in rock history.

Geez, Max's Dad, you've never mentioned these guys before, what's up? Well I just went to see Jersey Boys, the movie, not the stage play. Not having seen the stage production and having no reason to holler how awful Clint Eastwood's movie is, let's just say I gave it a thumbs up. Having known nothing of their story the movie set me straight. And reminded me of the monster hits these guys had.

Favorite Song:

Rag Doll:

I don't know why but its something about the musical arrangement that makes it stunning to me. The opening drums, the harmonies, the dinner bell, the ooooooooo ooooooooo. Wow. And goddam, this song hit #1 for two weeks in 1964. 1964? Do you know how fucking hard it was the dethrone the Beatles in 1964? But this song did it.

Worst Song:


Yeah I know its solo on Frankie Valli's part but for my purposes it counts. I hated this song in 1978 or whenever and I still can't stand it now. For crissakes, check out the clip, Frankie he looks like Tony Montana. Before there even was a Tony Montana.


Can't Take My Eyes Off You

Again, I know it's a solo effort, but since Bob Gaudio and Bob Crewe wrote it, it counts. Do you know how many times this has been covered? Thousands. The song is brilliantly written, brilliantly performed and who doesn't scream out "I LOVE YOU BABY" when the appropriate part comes up on Spotify or the local oldies station? It's a classic, their masterpiece and Christopher Walken sings the shit out of it in The Deer Hunter. And he's in Jersey Boys. How can that not be a sign?

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Beatles Buzz!

I am continuing my Beatles High this week. If you get a chance, go see A Hard Day's Night at your local snobby movie theater. You will be happy for another 90 minutes.

I don't want this Beatles Buzz to end.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Happiness Defined!

From Eight Days A Week to The End this legendary 72 year old genius puts on a show that nobody would not flash back and be happy again. 2 hours and 45 minutes of being a kid again. Thanks, Paul McCartney. Seriously, thank you.

Monday, July 14, 2014

Hard Days Night!

This kid was walking around Omaha Sunday night and guess who he stumbled upon. Ladies and gents, the first selfie worth a damn. Who that older guy is sitting next to Warren Buffett is I have no idea!

Monday, July 7, 2014

The Duke Of Hazard!

You think the good folks of Nor-Fork are dumb the're Mensas compared to Kentucky State Senator Brandon Smith (Dumbass-Hazard) who actually said...on the front of an open a hearing......out loud........

“As you (Energy & Environment Cabinet official) sit there in your chair with your data, we sit up here in ours with our data and our constituents and stuff behind us. I don’t want to get into the debate about climate change, but I will simply point out that I think in academia we all agree that the temperature on Mars is exactly as it is here. Nobody will dispute that. Yet there are no coal mines on Mars. There are no factories on Mars that I’m aware of.”

Huh? Now I'm no scientist or nuthin but I believe Mars is really cold. Like about -80 Fahrenheit, or -60 Celsius for you commies. And here on Earth it gets to minus 80 only when Cindy McCain enters a room. But even with that, it does average 58 degrees above zero all over Earth, or as its known in Kentucky, Mars Junior.

Good lord, Senator Smith. You were confusing the temperature on Mars with the average IQ of a Kentucky Republican. They ARE the same.

Please Mars, if you're out there, come to Frankfurt, Kentucky. Don't let your average Kentuckian tell ya to go to Louisville or Lexington. The problem is in Frankfurt. Please.

Sunday, July 6, 2014

How Do You Pronounce Norfolk? Wrong!

Nebraska is a big state. No I don't mean big as in lots of people but big as in obese. Bloated and empty. Full of dying rural towns where the young people either count the days until they can get the hell out or count the days until they get to take over the bitch club down at the Dew Drop Inn. You've seen Nebraska, right? Sorry, but it's true. Lots of the rural folks didn't like that little slap back to reality because they didn't like how they were portrayed as decent human beings with faults and virtues. Inconceivable!

Nebraska has 93 counties in it servicing about a million and a half people. Simple math would tell you that's about 89 counties too many. But I digress. Of the 93 counties, about 90 of them hate, hate, hate that Kenyan Usurper Traitorous Muslim Socialist Commie Nazi, Barack Hussein Saddam Nobummer. The President guy. Impeach!!

The 4th of July is a glorious time in small town Nebraska. Parades and flags and fireworks and weaselly Republican politicians convincing them how protecting the rights of millionaires is somehow in their best interests. Oh what a day it is. America's Birthday!

Madison County, Nebraska has a gloried history and some very famous townfolk. Oh Christ, the only town there is Norfolk. Johnny Carson used to live there. He gave money to build them a community theater. He never forgot where he came from. Gina Statutory lived there. It's Johnny's town, period.

Norfolk, Nebraska. By the way, somehow the locals see the word Nor-Folk and pronounce it Nor-Fork which may explain a lot of this overly long story.

Nor-Fork has its annual 4th of July parade. Where we all come together and celebrate and wave flags and forget that most of your neighbors are right wing assholes. You know, put away the partisan bullshit for one hour or so before you run back inside to see what O'Reilly is bitching about.

Nor-Fork couldn't do that. See above float. Obama Presidential Library. It's an outhouse! Har har! Saw that on Facebook once. Harrrrr! Thats cuz that Obummer is stupid right? Golllllldarn that is funny as hell!

Well now, there are some people, not many, but some, who think that kind of parade float is a bit too much for a birthday celebration. You know, kind of partisan. You know like wishing someone a happy birthday and then telling them how fucking stupid they are. Ahhhhhh whats the big deal.

Now the problem with Nor-Fork is not so much some dumbshit on a parade committee thought the float was a knee slapper but the fact the same committee STILL thinks it's a knee slapper. Rick Konopasek of the Nor-Fork Parade Committee or whatever its called, not only thinks the float was the bees knees, but he cannot believe anybody is upset.

Cue Mr.Konopasek......"It's obvious the majority of the community enjoyed it. So should we deny the 95% of those that liked it their rights, just for the 5 percent of people who are upset?"......Those damned 5 percent! Well at least he called them people, that's progress I guess. Oh, Mr.Konopasek, by the way, your county is about 24.9 % Commie since that's how many voted for that Outhouse Library Dweller, Nobama.

Cue parade announcer Wally Sonnenschein....."For the most part, this is a conservative community. I really don't see anything wrong with the Obama float and I'm kind of amazed anyone is complaining." Something tells me Mr.Sonnenschein is very easy to amaze. Whattya mean you don't think he was born in Kenya??? I'm amazed!

The point is this. Fuck you and your partisan bullshit in a goddamned parade on the 4th of July. I don't recall anywhere where a Republican President was portrayed in a 4th of July parade as an illiterate dummy even though there was one in office recently. Nobody wants to see that garbage as you're sitting there with your kids watching your neighbors wave from cars and floats.

Dear Nor-Fork. Johnny Carson was funny. You are not.

Friday, July 4, 2014

U S A! U S A!

Happy Independence Day! U S A U S A!. Such a rhythmically soothing chant. U S A U S A! I have no idea when it was first used. I believe I first heard it during the 1980 Winter Olympics when a bunch of American college kids beat a bunch of Soviet professionals in a hockey game. U S A U S A! Hell, even I was screeching it then. Anytime after that though, it became obnoxious. Note the U S A U S A chants during the 1936 Berlin, 1984 Los Angeles Olympics when the United States basketball team was trouncing Angola or Somalia or the Vatican or somebody. Enough.

Since 1980 the U S A chant has gone from a genuine Jesus Christ we actually won something we shouldn't have to a sort of bullying screed yelled by drunks so beaten down that the idea of being able to kill others with military force is their whole self esteem. Uhhhhhhh yeah, I'm young and without hope but uhhhh the U S A U S A can bomb the shit out of you so U S A U S A! The luck of my parents sperm and eggs coming together in the U S A U S A makes me better than you!

Yeah it's obnoxious. But it's easy to holler. It's relatively harmless. It makes the whole rest of the world hate our guts. Big deal.

And then came Tuesday.

Murietta, California. A band of 200 or 300 or who cares, cranky people blocked a bus full of young children and families being transported to a processing center. Why were these 200 or 300 people so cranky over a bus full of kids? Oh yeah, they were those damned "illegals". Undocumented aliens if you're a pussy lib. Waving flags and waving signs telling these kids to go home cuz shit, that 8 year old Honduran might cause Murietta to become less than 81% white.

And then came the U S A U S A chant. The irony of that was lost on these latest versions of the Bundy ranch crowd. Surrounding a bus full of scared, homeless kids and refusing it entrance to the utopia that is Murietta is reprehensible. Mob rule by people who the next day overflowed a town hall and screeched for Honduran or Guatemalan children to be dropped off in Tijuana, screamed the old take care of our own first bullshit and by our own they mean themselves, and yelled for the impeachment of Nobama. Ohhhhhhhhhh I see.......

From now on, the Bundy Ranch crowd, itching for a fight, will descend on this town. Protesting against policies that allow people to come here illegally is fine. We know you hate them unless they come from Ireland or England or Germany and that's fine too. But to scare the shit out of children is not fine. It's bullying. It makes you bullies. U S A U S A chants while frightening foreigners looking to better themselves or save their own miserable lives makes you obnoxious douchenozzles.

But its on again. The unending fight to rid this nation of that black guy socialist Kenyan knows no boundaries. Even if we have to make kids piss their pants in fear, it will not stop us from wailing about impeaching Obummer, howling about "illegals" taking our jerbs or participating in any other modern day Klan rallies.

The Statue weeps. Your Jesus weeps.

Happy Birthday U S A U S A! Now that Tim Howard is done saving the nation, celebrate by watching gluttons stuff hot dogs in their mouths like I do! Now that is the U S A U S A!

Thursday, July 3, 2014


Polls Polls Polls! Who takes these fucking things seriously? Well depending on your point of view they either mean everything (Thad Cochran is finished) or mean nothing (Thad Cochran is finished).

Quinnipiac University , I don't know if it's in Indiana or on the Moon, has taken polls for years that mean nothing. Yet for some reason because so called journalists are desperate to say anything other than the word "Kardashian" the Quinnipiac polls are constantly referred to as "news". Quinnipiac University , with 6000 polling majors, took a poll of what apparently are brain damaged people who still remembered how to pick up a phone while retaining no long term memory cells on who is the worst president since World War 2 and the winner was the guy in office now because who else can I think of that enrages me.

33% of the drooling phone picker uppers yelled out Obummer is the worst since World War 2 which ended when, in about 1960? 28% had enough brain matter left to holler out the worst of all time, the man who broke the world, the master of disaster, George W Bush. Then it drops down to 13% for an actual crook, Dick Nixon and 8% for the one guy everybody used to hate, the only decent human being who has held the office since Jesus founded America, Jimmy Carter. Damn, Republican hated of Bill Clinton has fallen off so much he only pulled 3% and he tied with Saint Reagan. I guess skin color beats blowjobs in Republican Hate Club.

Yep, 33% of respondents say that Obummer is the worst President while 35% say the guy who drooling in his lap by 1988, Saint Reagan, is the best. Something tells me the geniuses who voted both of those ways would say Nobama raised the national debt 100 times what every other President did combined and Saint Ronnie cut the deficit down to zero by cuttin all those welfare queens off from living like Mitt Romney.

Speaking of Mittens, 45% of the people who still have landlines and few clues now think electing a robotic cult member named Romney would have been a better choice than our current tyrant in chief.

The poll itself shows you the fallacy of polls like this. Truman, Ike, Kennedy, Johnson, Ford and even Carter hardly show up at all. Hell, who remembers them, they may as well be named Harrison, Grant or Van Buren. This lack of historical perspective on the part of Americans only shows you how idiotic polls like this are.

But Obummer won. And that will fuel the talk show hosts after they get their marching orders from the Heritage Foundation. Cranks will call in, jack off to Saint Reagan and kill the boner with talk of Nobama.

Perhaps the most insulting, some would say racist, reaction is that 54% of the people sitting at home watching Extra don't think Obama is "capable" of running the nation. Capable? Like a little out of his league Negro perhaps. Leave the leadership to the white guys is what I get out of that question. Fuck, war criminals like Bush and Dick were capable of leadership. Leading you right off a cliff but still "capable". That question is insulting at best and flat out racist at worst. I go for the second.

Now me, when a pollster calls me, dont answer the fucking phone cuz I have that newfangled caller ID thang. I don't need to lose even more brain cells by listening to a pollsters dumbass questions. I much prefer to kill them with beer.