Monday, November 23, 2009

My Name Is Earl!

Standing above are two of the biggest weasels in American politics. Two extortionists attempting to hold the American people down as the insurance industry kicks them in the head. One is Joe Lieberman, my feelings well known about that turncoat schlep, the other is my senior Senator from Nebraska, Earl Benjamin Nelson. Let me tell you all about Earl.

Earl graduated law school back in 1970 and was promptly hired by Central States Insurance as an assistant counsel. Earl's role model, alleged Democrat James Exon, governor of Nebraska at the time, appointed Earl state insurance commissioner back in 1975. Appointing an insurance counsel to oversee the industry is like appointing Ann Coulter to overlook the booze and cigarette industry. Earl eventually got tired of it and went back to become president of Central States.

In 1990 Earl ran for Governor of Nebraska in the Democratic primary. He won by two votes. He later beat the incumbent Republican, Kay Orr, by out Republicanning her. I did not vote for Gentle Ben. Too right wing for me. He ran for re-election in 1994 against a Republican pro-choicer. What? Can Earl's life get any easier? he won. I voted Republican for one of the every few times in my life.

In 1996, Earl got a bit of an ego and ran for the United States Senate. He got his Fred Flintstone hair handed to him by Chuck Hagel. I voted Republican again. By the way, Chuck Hagel, a fine human being, positively hates Earl Benjamin Nelson.

While Governor, Earl opted out of an agreement to build a low level nuclear waste dump in a county of about 60 people up north. The agreement had been made during a previous administration and Earl reneged on the deal. The state was sued and lost $150 million in a settlement. Thanks, Earl. Some fiscal conservative. Earl also whacked three inmates while governor. The first three zapped in the chair since Charlie Starkweather back in 1959. Hey, he's no GW, but in a state of 1.5 million, that's a lot. Trust me, he lost no sleep over this.

Earl couldn't run again for Governor in 1998, so he went back to the insurance bidness. Then when Bob Kerrey decided he'd had enough of the Senate, Earl was right there to take advantage. He ran against a Republican wingnut, Attorney General Don Stenberg. Stenberg had embarrassed the state numerous times by getting sent home from the United States Supreme Court hat in hand, with a kick me sign stuck on his back. Earl spent twice as much as his opponent and won by less than 2 percent. I left the ballot blank. Chuck Hagel cringed at the sight of Earl showing up in DC.

In 2006, Earl lucked out again when his main rival, Republican Governor Mike Johanns, was appointed Sec of Agriculture by Bush. Some think Bush was looking out for his buddy, "Nellie". So Earl ran against a very rich, bald guy named Pete Ricketts. Ricketts seemed to think spending Daddy's fortune like Nick Cage and running ads where his grandma told him to put his hat on when he went outside would beat Earl. Ha!. Earl and his helmet hair destroyed Ricketts' bald head and Ricketts was forced to go buy the Chicago Cubs to feel important. I left the ballot blank again.

Earl cares about two things. Abortion and getting re-elected. He kowtows to the pro-life crowd unlike any politician I've ever seen. He endorses Obama, then does everything in his power to keep him from succeeding. Earl Benjamin Nelson is a opportunistic douche-bag, just like his buddy, Lieberman. Pay no attention to this DINO. He is squarely in the insurance industry's pocket. In fact, they lined his pocket in the first place. Trusting this man to do the right thing is useless. He doesn't brush his Blagojevich Hair without realizing the political consequences. He is a tool.

Just remember, the next time you see the press sucking up to Senator Ben Nelson (D-Ne), his name is really Earl.

Friday, November 20, 2009

I'd Poke You In The Chest If I Could Walk Over There!

A few years back here at the University of Nebraska, an egomaniac athletic director named Steve Pederson got all full of himself and fired a diminutive, successful football coach named Frank Solich for reasons only Pederson knows. Well it's deja vu all over again in Lawrence, Kansas where an egomanicac athletic director is trying to fire a really big, successful football coach named Mark Mangino. Hey Kansas, don't go down that road or you'll be stuck with your own version of "The Callahan Years'.

This brings me to the 450 lb. football coach in the room. Being fat. I've been fat, I've been not fat, I've been skinny. Currently I am really tubby but trying to be better and reduce to single seat on the airplane status. In case the picture doesn't scream the obvious at you, Mark Mangino is really fat. Mangino hasn't been any smaller than that in the many years he's coached at Kansas. He makes over a million dollars per year, yet sees nothing wrong about his girth or he'd spend a bit of that money to get healthy. Mangino is 53 years old. He is going to drop dead sooner than necessary lugging that weight around. Personally, I don't laugh at him like most people. I am concerned for him.

Mark Mangino is the best football coach in the Big 12 conference, in my opinion. He is a master strategist and gets more out of what he has to work with than anybody. There is no reason to fire this guy. True, Kansas is losing right now (5-5) but it's not Mangino's fault. Blame the Big 12 schedule makers who make KU play Oklahoma, Texas and Texas Tech in the same year all the time. So why is Mangino on the hot seat? He poked a player in the chest with his finger? He yelled at a player? He swears? He is a big meanie? I say a lot of it is because of his size. A big, gruff Italian guy waddling along the sideline isn't the image KU wants. KU wants the trim, golf pro looking guy. The problem is they've had a LOT of those guys scratching their visor-wearing heads over the years and they all lost a lot. Mangino wins. Period.

Kansas athletic director Steve Pederson, uhhhhhhhh, Lew Perkins is setting Mangino up to lose this battle. Former KU players, recruited by Perkins, are coming out of the woodwork to say Mangino hollered at them and made them cry. It's a setup to get rid of the fat man. As a fellow fat guy, I'm in Mangino's corner. But c'mon Mark, at least try to grab a salad every now and then.

Now I am off to watch our own skinnier, whacko Italian football coach, Bo Pelini. scream and holler and poke guys in the chest and make them cry. The difference is Pelini is winning. And he weighs about my size less than Mangino.

Monday, November 16, 2009

I Want My Hour Back!

Oprah vs. Bible Spice

4:09- what's up with Northern Overexposure's Phil Spector-like hair?

4:10- whining about double standard on her kids. Says "right on" to Oprah thinking it's 1973 and she's talking to Angela Davis.

4:14-Oprah says she was at "another convention" and Caribou Barbie flashes that Miss Wasilla smile

4:15- says "double standard" again

4:19- sorry I drifted off before being awakened by nails on blackboard voice

4:20- well off white women in audience politely applaud a break

4:25- the Pale Alaskan calls Katie Couric "badgering". What would she think of Sam Donaldson?

4:26- says "right on" again. Once again, you are not talking to Pam Grier

4:27- Oprah replays Couric interview. Jesus, Miss Moosejaw really is stupid.

4:29- Track's Ma was "annoyed" at Katie Couric and that's why she acted like Heidi from the Hills

4:30-Trigger's mommy is painting herself into a corner on considering a choice to have abortion. a choice she wants to deny others, Oprah sits there like a lump

4:36- Levi's almost mother-in-law discusses Levi with a lame "Johnny Hollywood" remark and claims he's doing "porn" . My brain is about to melt

4:38- Oprah asks her if she's "pissed" at Levi's statements concerning what a horrible human being she is. My ADHD kicks in. I have no idea what she said

4:45- Why am I watching this? Everybody, except horny white male conservatives, know she's a total fraud

4:46- Piper dresses up for Halloween as a "snow machine" driver. I knew I should have dressed up like my Dad at Halloween, one of the cast of Mad Men

4:47- Wasilla Whackjob tries too hard to convince us of her strong marriage

4:50- McCain wouldn't let me speak on election night. She is "disappointed". Nobody else is

4:52- Lisa Loopner drawls out "Tawwwwwwd". I want Bill Murray to give her a noogie

4:53- Obama's "caaaaaamp" caused her to quit the Governor's job? She's tap dancing like Shirley Temple.

4:54- Papa Heath says she's "reloading" not "retreating".

4:55- running for Pres "nawt on my radar screen".

..............had an involuntary jerk of right hand and it turned channel to Bonnie Hunt.

I'm No Jay Leno but Come On!

No wonder the Catholic church is so cranky. They're now paying out money for adult crimes. Why couldn't he have been kidnapped by a band of KILFs?

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Can You Play Dancing With Myself?

Now that I've stopped laughing. Carrie Prejean, shown above showing the press how big she originally wanted them, sues the Miss California Pageant for whatever it is she sued for. The negotiations turned ugly when Miss Opposite Marriage was shown a sex tape. "That's disgusting" she allegedly proclaimed. At this point, the camera pulls back to show Carrie going solo. Homer Simpson never went "D'OHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" that fast. The lawsuit was dropped. I have no idea if the story played out that way. I just choose to believe it.

Now to start cackling again.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Grand Old Party Orgy?

1)For two days now conservatives have been celebrating their victories on Tuesday with crazy behavior. Calm down there, you won a Governor's chair in Virginia with a misogynistic, racist, religious nutjob. Thanks to the fact that under 30's stayed home and slept it off and the teabaggers, the over 60's ,went to the polls to support the candidate who thinks women need to stay home, the gays need to quit being gay, the birth control is the same as abortion, and rapists who impregnate their victims have a right to have their rape baby visit them in prison. Oh yeah, put this guy on the ticket with Bible Spice in 2012. The teabaggers also threw out the rich governor in New Jersey for a fat guy named Christie. Rich guys aren't popular nowadays with the teabaggers, unless they are talking out of that there magic box. By the way, teabaggers, you lost a House seat in New York that Republicans had held since the Whigs were still around, in the 19th century, back where most of your feeble minds are.

2) The shooting at Fort Hood that killed 13 and wounded another 30 by another loner with a gun is so American, so should I say, normal, nobody is even shocked. The fact this shooter has an Islamic name is all that matters. The furious typing on internets message boards is keeping me awake. Have fun with this one, folks. The fact that American soldiers are massacred in America, and the Taliban was nowhere near Fort Hood is the sad fact. Not that this loser has a funny name.

3) Michelle Bachman is a goddamned danger to this nation. How the people in her district keep sending this shrieking trollop back to Washington is one of nature's mysteries. Her screeching about revolution in front of the teabaggers today is a disgrace. Stop her, 6th District of Minnesota. Keep the tapes, play them to death and send this proud graduate of Oral Roberts back to doing whatever the hell she did (I refuse to believe she was a tax attorney) before she began her reign of error. But as long as Fox News, and Sean Hannity's lust still exist, we can't get rid of her yet.

4) Rooting for the New York Yankees is like rooting for the house at a casino, rooting for the insurance company to deny your health care, rooting for Wall Street, rooting for polluters or rooting for Tiger Woods. As you know, the evil empire won it's 27th World Series on Wednesday night. Thanks a lot to Brad Lidge. You suck worse than Mitch Williams.

5) John Boehner's name is pronounced "Boner". Remember when two vowels do the walking, the first one does the talking. Boner. No wonder he gets drunk and cries a lot. What are you laughing about over there, Dick Armey? Republicans have really appropriate names sometimes.

6) Gay folks have to stop wasting their time with these initiatives that keep getting voted down by religious fanatics. Religion is a mental illness. The only cure is reason and sanity. Mobs just encourage more mental illness. The only way to get this solved is through the courts. Fair-minded judges can see the obvious that mental deficients can't see. Can you imagine if we let Mississippians vote on anything important back in the 60's? The unfortunate thing is the amount of opposition gays face from blacks and hispanics. Once again, religion, well you know. Finally, will somebody please get the guts to yank the Roman Catholic Church's tax exemption? This isn't a religion any longer, it's a fucking country club cult run by men in funny hats and followed by brainwashed zombies. I was indoctrinated by these bastards for years, but in true Monty Python fashion, "I got better". So can you.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Traitor Joe Is A Schmo And Must Go!

A while back, after one Joe Lieberman (I-CT) had campaigned with McCain and the Alaska nitwit against Barack Obama and then came back to the Senate, hat in hand, ready to sit back down and resume his Senate duties without penalty from ruling Democrats, Obama said ahh let it go. Let Joe keep his stuff. I agreed with Obama. I thought Joe was salvageable. WELL I WAS WRONG AND SO WAS OBAMA! Joe Lieberman is a putz. He's a tool of Aetna and his honey Haddasah is a tool of the pharmaceutical industry. How could I be so blind?

It's time to tell Joe Lieberman to go back to the bottom where he belongs and become the "independent" schmo he is. Kick this turncoat shtick drek out of the caucus and strip him of all of his committee seats. Let the Republicans have him. He may be too spineless for them too.

Joe Lieberman is also a liar. His bullcrap about a public option increasing the deficit is 100% untrue. The CBO has said it wouldn't and doing nothing, as Aetnaman wants, is a freaking disaster. The public option now remains the emergency room, paid for by us. Does this increase the deficit, Joe? Hell yes it does. A public option allows the ER folks to get insurance, pay for it, Joe. This guy is so far up Aetna's tookas he can probably find a piece of the rock, too.

Lieberman, doing the insurance industry's bidding, has changed his reasoning on opposing a public option so many times just to stay one step ahead of the posse. At various times he's claimed there's plenty of competition among insurance companies, stated the public would pay for it, wanted to wait until the recession was over, claimed the polls showed the public was against it and now he's all misty-eyed for premium payers of private insurance policies because the insurance industry has threatened everybody with premium hikes. Lieberman needs to be stopped. He's a douche bag every bit as much as any Republican. Harry Reid needs to grow a pair and do something about this schmuck.

Joe, you are no mensch, you're a schlemiel.