Thursday, February 27, 2014

Good Brewer!

There is a good Brewer story out of Arizona. It's Hank the stray dog adopted by my new 4th favorite Baseball team, The Milwaukee Brewers. Those Brewers didn't fuck around for three days doing polls and figuring out a way to ban Hank from hanging around Brewer spring training camp when he wandered in injured and filthy one day.

Hank has been a fixture in Brewers camp and will go north with the team when the season starts. Hank even ran in his first sausage race yesterday. He didn't win, but not a bad first effort.

Good Dog! Good for Hank! Go Brewers!

Bad Brewer!

Oh I know she did it and I guess I should be happy. But as usual I am not. Finger Wagging Arizona Governor Jan Brewer (Leatherface-Az) vetoed that SB1062 last night after fucking around for three days. So why the lack of enthusiasm?

It's the three days of running around trying to figure out a way to not veto it and still keep the Super Bowl while keeping those gays in their place or rather out of their place. Unfortunately for her, nobody could figure out the magic formula and she was forced to veto the bill for monetary reasons. Not because it was the right thing to do, but because a whole lot of people were gonna stay out of that hellhole of a state if it was passed.

I'm sorry but I still have a fundamental belief in principles. If you think the gays are ruining your state because your Book of Magic Fairy Tales tells you that well then at least stick to your beliefs and don't cave to monetary pressure. But as we all know, when it comes down to a dollar now or eternal salvation later, the true believers will take the dollar everytime. Shit, they'll just go to confession or more likely, forget the whole thing and continue their delusional beliefs which have now been proven to be complete and utter bullshit.

Jan Brewer and the rest of the Arizona Tourist Board have shown me who their real God is. And it aint some bearded dude with a staff up on a cloud. It's Roger Goodall and the NFL.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Our Father Who Aren't In Heaven, Howard Be Thy Name!

Turns out Forrest Gump was not all that special in Alabama. It seems the Alabama House of Representatives (why is it ALWAYS the House bumpkins no matter what state) or at least one of them there committees, lets see, the House Educatin Policy One, passed a bill that would require teachers to spend 15 minutes every mornin readin the prayer invoked at the US House or Reps or the US Senate. Ya see, it aint religion, its gubmint teachin!

Ok, very clever! Representative Steven Hurst (R-Greenbow Alabamaaaaa) thought this bill up all by himself cuz he's so shifty and smarter than those liberal atheists that permeate Alabama state gubmint. It passed out of committee by a 2 for it and 3 agin it which to chairwoman Mary Sue (of course)McClurkin (Gumplican-Indian Springs)is mathematically sound. Now to be fair now, cuz that's what I'm all about, she passed it out of committee by voice vote so maybe she's just deaf instead of stupid but nonetheless, Alabama House members will get to soon vote to force teachers to read prayers said in front of a House or Senate full of corrupt weasels to a bunch of impressionable lil Alabamans. Yeah, if that aint proof that praying is a complete waste of your fucking time I don't know what is. Praying to guide a snide fuck like Ted Cruz (Nixon-Canada) or a hissing cockroach like Steve King (Dunce-Ia) is as futile an act as can be imagined. Almost as futile as trying to convince your average Alabaman that Roll Tide isn't in the Ten Commandments.

Now the commies in the ACLU are already chuckling at the potential half assed effort they'd have to put forth to get that law thrown out if the nitwits of the Alabama legislature pass it. But ya know, it is a bill put forth by Alabama Republicans convinced their sly ways are undetectable to your average Bolshevik so who knows.

Personally I hope the bill passes. The more of these teabagger bills that pass, whether it be keeping the gays out of your Cracker Barrel or giving the guns back to blind mental patients, the closer the day comes when the Republican Party implodes.

But this Force Kids To Listen To Teach Drone On for 15 Minutes Bill is the one I really favor. It's for the kids. I care about the children. It's about time somebody thought about the children like I do.

Hey kids, just think. 15 minutes more of sleep every freakin day!

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Ach Du Lieber!

Hey you can't force somebody to better their lives. Tennessee auto workers at a Volkswagen plant made that clear last week, or at least 712 of 1338 workers did. Threatened by Republican politicians, especially lying sacks of shit like Senator Bob Corker (Shitheel-Tn), the workers at the plant rejected an affiliation with the United Auto Workers, even though VW is considered friendly to unions and actually encouraged a yes vote. Nice going. Even though VW isn't gonna make you idiots work for 3 cents a day and chain your kids to the assembly line, companies in Tennessee not so union friendly are buying chains in bulk.

I really don't understand the hostility to unions. Yeah I know that Republican lackeys have been promoting the fat lazy union worker as non productive for the last 40 years. It's worked. Since that union belonging saint of the right, Ronald Reagan (Tripled the Deficit-USA) busted the Air Traffic Controllers Union it's been downhill for working folks. The gap between rich and poor has gotten so large there is no middle class any longer,. The wealthy and their bought and paid for storm troopers like Bob Corker (Bloodhound Molester-Tn) have everyone so scared that we look downward to blame instead of where we should be looking. Up.

Republicans hate unions. Always have. They cut into their ill gotten gains by demanding shit like living wages. Bahhhh. Living wages. You all should be lucky we even created a low paying, benefit lacking job for you in the first place. If you don't like it, go get unemployment insurance. Oh sorry, no more of that for you lazy bastards.

Oh there was one union the Republicans loved. In fact they spanked their monkeys to it when they weren't banging male pages. The Republicans just fucking loved Solidarity , the trade union that gave the Rooskies hell back in the 80's. It seems, if you remember, that Polish shipyard workers were getting fucked over by the commies, known here as Republicans. Lech Walesa, a genuine hero, led a strike at the Lenin Shipyard, known here as the Reagan Shipyard. Well to keep the story from getting even more uncomfortable for hypocrites like Corker and his gang of Humbugs, Walesa won the Nobel Peace Prize, known here as the Obama Pussy Award. The Polish Government went down taking the Soviets with them and Walesa became President of Poland, just like that other Union member, Ronald Reagan (Raised Taxes 11 Times in 8 Years-USA).

The United Auto Workers have appealed their loss in Tennessee. The Republican liars are apoplectic. The Volkswagen officials are strangely silent. Almost like the socialist Germans would prefer a union to deal with instead of dumbfuck Southern Governors like Bill Haslam (Child Starver-Tn). In Germany they have things called "work councils". These work councils deal with the company by using employees who have their interests AND VW's interests at heart.

Whoa there, Hans! Americans don't go for that commie crap. We like being treated like shit cuz ya know, we will become rich some day and the we too can treat people like the leeches they are.

It's the American Dream, baby.

Friday, February 21, 2014

Winter Olympics!

Sorry but am I the only one who doesn't give a damn that Canada beat the United States in an Olympic hockey game? I mean come on, this isn't 1980 when a bunch of college kids were upsetting the hell out of professional NHL type teams. Nope, these are highly paid American professional hockey players playing other highly paid professional hockey players unlucky enough to be born in one of them socialist countries.

Yeah I didn't care as my co workers stood around watching and gripping and having stress related eating fits over a sport they couldn't tell you one thing about until last week. Now all of a sudden they are huge hockey fans. Next thing you know they will actually attend a game, drink like fish, become obnoxious, cheer as grown men hit each other with their fists and then pass out on the person next to them. Icing the puck? Is that some sort of weird Canadian beer or somethin?

Hey come on. Back in the day, and by "the day" I mean when the internet was just a gleam in Ed Snowden's eye, you could root like hell for the Americans. The fresh faced amateurs who busted their ass for free just so they could get one of those taxable medals. Yes, they all were milk and cookies kids who had been practicing their skiing or skating or curling for years for no compensation. And they were all nice as hell. Or at least that's what we thought. And we liked it that way. Well,at least I did anyway.

Then came Tonya and Nancy and we all realized these "amateurs" were egomaniacs, divas, thugs, sleazy bribe takers and whiners. Yep, thanks Tonya and Nancy. Why am I blaming the victim? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Whyyyyyyyyyy! That's whyyyyyyyyyyy. Everybody knew Tonya was from the wrong side of the tracks, had to fight for everything she got, and wasn't above having someone knee crack the competition. But Nancy. There was the privileged whiner. I mean come on now. Who whines like Nancy? Even though she had her knee beat with a metal pipe and had her dreams shattered and was probably in a bit of pain, "whyyyyyyyyyyy" became a reason to hate her. Tonya would have hopped on one leg to chase that fat fuck down and shove that pipe down his throat while screaming "whyyyyyyyyyyyyy" in a totally different tone.

1994 changed it all. At least for me. The rosy cheeked kids became ruthless Donald Trumps and I hated all of them. To this day I still revel in seeing a smiling American ice dancer falling on his or her ass, or a baked American snowboarder wipe out, or a Tiger Woods dating skier go down hard. And the millionaire American hockey team fall to the country that invented the sport. Thanks for that whole Argo thing and all.

Now I know other nations have a bunch of prima donna pricks also. But I don't live there and I'm not subjected to the Russian Matt Lauer, or the German Meredith Viera or the Norwegian Bob Costas tell me how fucking wonderful their athletes are when I know they aren't nice people and make millions under the table. Yep, we had the Olympic Swim Trials here 2 years ago. Swimmers are both dumb AND assholes.

So there. If rooting against people who happen to be born in America through no skill of their own and are dicks makes me unpatriotic well then make that the millionth time I've been called that.

In the meantime, I'll be rooting for Canada because those fucking Swedes really piss me off!

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Florida Again!

Jesus Christ how many times does Bugs have to saw that fucking state off the continent?

Michael Dunn , that Florida neck who murdered Jordan Davis for playing his music too loud, was found guilty of trying to murder 3 other teens in the car with Jordan. but the jury couldn't decide if he actually murdered the kid he murdered?

Wow, Florida. You just keep amazing me. Even when you get something right, it's all fucked up.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

All Who Want Taco Bell Raise Your Hand!

Now that Oklahoma has been pretty damn quiet in the last few days with no Republican hilljack introducing some bill to outlaw twerking by gay Muslims or something I can now sadly pick on my own state, and that flat one south of us.

Fremont, Nebraska lies about 30 miles northwest of Omaha and portrays itself as one of those sleepy burghs where people are friendly and would give you the shirt off their backs if you asked, in English of course. But in reality its just another hate filled scared little town of 26,000 that sees brown people talking all funny and immediately decides to ban them. Seems the browns all flock to a little place like Fremont because there's an abundance of shitty low paying jobs that nobody in Fremont wants. This creates a quandry for Fremont types. By the way, Fremont "types" are white people. Or at least 89% of them are. It's that pesky 11% that so bugs the shit out of the oppressed majority.

Back in 2010, when America surrendered itself to racists, sexists and bitters, Fremont decided to ban illegals, which to them meant anybody they thought might look comfortable listening to that shitty Mexican music that sounds just like the shitty polkas Fremont so loves. Hey, Jose, if you want to live here, you have to go get a $5 permit, then you have to pledge your allegiance by stating you aint no illegal, then we might let you rent some dump. Comprende'? The person who rents the dump to you, aka the slumlord, also has to get permits. It's free money for Fremont gubmint, which didn't really enforce the housing portion of the Ban The Mexicans Law of 2010.

Some of those touch feely liberal types thought mayyyyyyybe that the housing portion of the Ban The Browns Law went a bit far and that businesses may not consider relocating to Fremont and got enough signatures to get a repeal of that one portion of the law on the ballot. 57% of the good Fremont folk voted the Ban The Hispanics in 2010 and this new effort just pissed them off even more. Kind of like poking a Klansman thru his eyehole with a stick. Just made em hoppin mad. So 60% voted and said hey Maria, get the fuck out of Fremont and this time we mean it.

Yeah Fremont. We all know it aint about race. In fact you all welcome the melting pot that is America. That's what all the Ban The Hondurans Too Law advocates keep saying. What is it about illegal you dont understand? That's another biggie up there.

I believe them. I'm sure they welcome all people up in Fremont. Just like their namesake, John C Fremont did when he was whacking Mexicans back in 1846.

Now Kansas. What the fuck is up with you huckleberries? The Kansas House of Reprehensibles approved a law designed to "protect" religious liberty by stating that any bigot, errrrrr, believer can refuse to deal with the gays in any way, shape or delusion because it would violate their religious freedom to give the gays a quiche or bake them a cake or give em a drivers license or let em stay at your hotel cuz you know they'll just be a giant orgy all night long and they won't even invite you. You know, all that ramming their agenda down your throat stuff you all talk about all the fucking time. Repression anyone? Introduced by one Rep Charles Macheers d the bill passed by a 72-42 margin and now goes to the Kansas Senate, which I'm sure is full of more Politburo types who hate "discrimination" as much as Macheers does.

The bill says this, if you see two swishy guys or two rumbling dames walk into your establishment you can exclaim "In the name of Jesus, get out of my establishment you sinners" and you cannot be held accountable. At least by the state of Kansas that is. How that commie Jesus feels about it is your fucking problem.

Let's all hear it for the salt of the earth Midwest values! I've been putting up with morally superior Midwest values all of my life. Thank whomever, none of them have taken hold of me yet!

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Wall Street Urinal!

All I really know about the Wall Street Journal is it is owned by that Dingo eater who owns Fox News, is completely indecipherable, and my Dad used to read it because he had to. My Dad, the stockbroker, would bring it home cursing its existence and give it to me for that one story in the box on the front page that may have some sort of interest to me. At the point I took it from his hands he would inevitably exclaim "if I didn't have to get it, I'd cancel it yesterday". As you may be able to tell, my Dad, perhaps the only Democratic liberal stock broker, hated the Wall Street Journal even before that Kangaroo molester bought it.

The Wall Street Journal has some of the dumbest people on the planet writing screeds for it. James Taranto pounded out a column on Monday that could have written by a drunken chimp. In it, Taranto basically states that women who get drunk and therefore, get raped , have it comin'. After all, the drunken slut should be back at the sorority house making flowers for the homecoming float and waiting for Mister Perfect to sweep her off her feet. She leaves for a party and imbibes of the fire water, well then it's open season for the men of Phi Kappa Dildo to play rapey rapey. Taranto has never really been fond of the Gyno-Americans anyway, probably because they've been rejecting his filthy self for years. Taranto infamously tweeted after that gun enthusiast, Joker Holmes, introduced a shitload of people to the beauty of the Second Amendment back in July of 2012, "I hope the girls whose boyfriends died to save them were worthy of the sacrifice". One wonders if Taranto is just setting up his defense when he finally gets his shot at a drunk Peggy Noonan.

Today, some uppity up named Robert Strayton, argues that the Kenyan Socialist Marxist Muslim Pretender's call for a raise to the minimum wage is just plain communism. Communism I say. Why, we oughta lower the minimum wage to $5 an hour so the job creators will become all free markety and make more and more jobs and everybody can live in squalor and tap dance for Strayton and his house full of grubstakers for scraps of Matsutake mushrooms. Strayton uses that rich guy math to panic all Wall Street Journal readers who wouldn't be caught dead at a McDonalds by saying with a higher minimum wage of $10.10 that the McDonalds dollar menu would suddenly jump from $1 to $3. Yep, no doubt. A 40% increase in wages most certainly leads to a 200% increase in prices. That's basic American supply side trickle down math. Fucked up.

Tom Perkins, the former spouse of the much more famous but no less loathsome romance novelist Danielle Steele, went straight to the Journal to complain that the 99%, instead of bowing and kissing the feet of the former Mr.Steele, are just like the Nazis who demonized the Jews back in 1938, the year Zombie Obama was occupying Hitler's body. Calling it a "Progressive Kristallnacht", Perkins whined that he "would call attention to the parallels of fascist Nazi Germany to its war on its "one percent," namely its Jews, to the progressive war on the American one percent, namely the "rich." Oh I see. Tom lives in San Francisco. presumably in the attic of a sympathizer hiding him from the Nazi Obama people who roam the streets smashing the Google glasses and Rolexes of that oppressed minority of put upons.

Tom, please. This is nothing like Nazi Germany. But keep acting like that and it will be like something else you probably fear. Na zda-rĂ³-vye!

Monday, February 10, 2014

The Beatles!

I know it was yesterday but I am in denial that it was that long ago.

The Beatles changed the world. Whether it was for the better or the worse depends on your world view. If you are a globalist and realize change is good, well then enjoy the Beatles. If you are stuck in a 1950's Leave It To Beaver world well then suck it because you are wrong.

The Beatles are everybody's favorite band everywhere and if you disagree well you are wrong again. Oh the fight for 2nd place is wide open. The Stones, The Who, The Kinks, Led Zeppelin, Aerosmith . Just kidding on that last one. Nobody likes that shitty band.

Four geniuses (yeah even Ringo) from Liverpool spent 7 years making the world a better place. Their songs are timeless, their presence will always be felt and they make me happy. Period.

And Ed Sheeran became a legend in my mind already with this. Listen.

Say It Again Sam!

Missouri doesn't usually have much come out of that state that is positive but when it does, hey gotta give it props.

Michael Sam, a Tiger defensive star, told his teammates he was gay last fall. Nobody said a word and Sam won the Defensive Player of the Year.

Read that sentence again. Nobody said a word and he won defensive player of the year.

Hey NFL old guy executives. Wake the fuck up.

And to those "open minded" types who keep saying "who cares?" or "why does it matter?"? Well.....YOU are the reason it matters!

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Now We Know What Daft Punk Looks Like!

OMFG! NBC did not show this on it's Olympic coverage. Fire the programmer. This may be the best thing ever.

Friday, February 7, 2014

Oklahomo Part 2!

Damn, I hate to keep picking on Oklahoma, only because I want to start picking on those tractor jockeys in Kansas again, but for chrissakes Oklahoma, what in the holy name of Barry Switzer is fucking wrong with you?

By now you've heard of the old biddy from Oklahoma who wanted to execute President NBomba for being an enemy combatant or some other stupid old biddy reason. Just watch the tape above, that old crow starts drawling out here outrage over President Kuhhhhhn about 22 seconds into it while Oklahoma doughboy congresstrash Jim Bridenstine (JacksOffToReagan-Ok)stood there with a stupid grin on his mug. Now judging from the recording of this meeting of the Tulsa branch of Mensa, the rest of these geriatric lamebrains apparently agree with the moldy old wench as some laugh, some chuckle and some pop boners without help.

Bridenstine has taken the chickenshit's way out by claiming he can't control what wrinkly old coffin dodgers say. But really, Bridenstine, helping make the noose doesn't help you.

More Oklahoma news. Gary James, owner of some cockroach palace in Enid called Gary's Chicaros (sounds kinda Mexican to me, amigo)has been running his place of bidness in a kind of discriminatory manner for years. Ya see, Gary doesnt much care for the freaks and the faggots. He doesn't much care for the N bombs or the Asians or the welfare people or the wheelchair folks either. Well Gary, here comes the fucking internet to make your life miserable. Good luck you fucking Okie bigot.

Somewhere in Oklahoma is a Democrat who actually was elected to their version of the House of Spitting Possums who is actually attempting something other than outlawing all marriage , outlawing evolution or keeping that asshole Richard Dawkins out of the state, by writing a bill to legalize marijuana in the state. Constance Johnson, an Oklahoma Demoncrat, or maybe the ONLY Oklahoma Demoncrat, proposed this bill to get Oklahoma in on the ground floor of progress for once instead of on the rails to Stupidville as usual. But some Republican Senator with a subcommittee of some sort has said no way hippie slut! Senator Don Barrington won't even hear of it. No hearing, no nothing because goddammit, his church would not approve. Dude, chill out. Your church doesn't give a shit, especially if maybe you can funnel some of that marijuana tax money their way.

I can't take much more, Oklahoma. State Representative Sally Kern is proposing a bill to make it illegal for those Marxist liberal school administrators to throw a kid outta school for biting a Pop Tart into the shape of a handgun. How Florida of you, Sally. And that is not even the dumbest thing Sally Kern has proposed. Long Tall Sally has said the homos are a bigger threat to 'Merica than terrorists, blamed the queers for the bad economy,and claimed the blacks are all lazy and shit cuz she taught school and all they did was look at her like she was a Kardashian or something.

Oklahoma, please STOP. You are embarrassing yourselves. God hates you anyway, remember? I'm warning you. If you don't stop your human big bags of wind, God's gonna send real bags of wind at ya this spring. Boomer Sooner baby!

Monday, February 3, 2014

Phillip Seymour Hoffman!

And lost in the shuffle of that crappy game and the tabloid garbage of the Farrows Vs. Allen, came the loss of the great, no the best American actor out there, Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Son of a bitch!

Phillip was a guy who made no lousy movies, well once he moved past the horror of enduring the "acting" of Bill Paxton in Twister that is. I loved this guy. He could do anything.

But of all the things he did, nothing hit me harder than when he played Lester Bangs in Almost Famous. Hey man, he was talking to a 15 year old Max's Dad in that scene. And he was right.

I still remember that line spoken by Phil as Lester. Every 15 year old kid should hear this line in high school. In fact it should be posted above every entrance to every high school in America!

“You’ll meet them all again on the long journey to the middle.”

Goddamn right!

Super Bowl? But It's Only 8 Days Till Pitchers And Catchers Report!

Seattle won. Denver lost. I don't care since I pretty much cannot stand either of them. I kept myself "interested" by reminding myself of the utter misery Broncos fans were going through at every moment yet I also was saddened by the fact most of them were too baked to give a damn. Lucky bastards. I kept myself "interested" by realizing that Seattle residents were holding off on the suicides for about 3 hours and would resume shortly thereafter. Then they threw Denver around like a fishmonger throws around a salmon so I guess the suicidally depressed will have to wait till Thursday. By the way Seattle fan, don't do it, the Mariners report to spring training next week. Did that really help?

Despite the fact that by about 6:00 pm local time I was ready to watch a tape of a late September Mariners-Rockies game on MLB-TV rather than the debacle put forth by the NFL, I also kept myself "interested" by waiting for the highly touted Super bowl commercials.

I kept myself "interested" through the Coke ad that had people singing America in them funny foreign languages. Goddamn, I was so happy knowing that the real 'mericans would be so pissed they'd take to Twitter and make assholes of themselves in an oh so public manner. Thanks, right wingers. They did so much better than I thought with their outrage. But I was really happy that so many of the ignoramuses confused the Star Spangled Banner with the actual song being sung by the "illegals", America the Beautiful. Ignorance is temporary but dumb is forever. Oh and by the way, "patriots", Chik Fil A only serves Coke products so good luck on that there "boycott" of Coke.

The Budweiser ad with the puppy and the horse. Adorable.And that song? Ermegurd. Passenger's Let Her Go was so sugary I gladly accepted the diabetes coma that went along with listening. I'm still smiling at that one though I'm still boycotting Budweiser because it tastes like horse piss and that ad just reminded me of that fact.

Any ad with Bob Dylan music in it is a big thumbs up with me. But who knew? Bob Dylan can actually speak in a clear voice.. So then why, asked Max, can't he sing in other than a croak? I'll give Max the same answer I gave him last year while seeing Dylan. Because Bob Dylan can do whatever he wants.

I've never been one to hate on Tim Tebow. Just didn't seem worth the time. And who could argue that Tim Tebow, or Tim Conway for that matter, could have put up 8 points for Denver in that rout yesterday. But the ads Tim Tebow did for T Mobile were freakin great. Sorry about the salty language, Tim.

The Cheerios ad. The interracial family. A gigantic fuck you to the right wingers. Sorry, I don't work for those MSNBC pussies so nobody's getting sent to Gitmo here. Didn't even address the right wing freak out, just made the family normal everyday folks. Yessss.....

But the best ad of all was also the most disturbing,. Doberhuahua!!!! I was horrified, happy, horrified, happy, horrified, happy and then very very happy that Sarah McLaughlin has a sense of humor and can actually make me howl along with making me weep. Good job, was it Audi?

And last but not least, I was shocked, I mean shocked, that Bruno Mars was that entertaining. Oh I'm not going to run off to see him or anything but the man is damn good at what he does. I was even pissed that they threw that turd into the Mars punchbowl that were the Red Hot Chili Peppers. And I like the RHCP's. But that was a boner killer of a 5 minutes. Bruno even made me forget how peeved I was that the Boss wasn't doing the Jersey Super Bowl.

But the big game is over now. Till next season when I can get all yawny over the next matchup. The Cardinals and the Chargers.

Till then, bring on pitchers and catchers!