Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Do Not Go See Any Movie With A 3 In It's Title!

I went to see two movies over the weekend. One by choice and one because I am a glutton for punishment and a great Dad. One you've never heard of and one you've heard too goddamned much about. One was interesting, told a story, had great actors, a point and a lot of joy. The other was a piece of digital shit. Which one first? Well of course the good one.

MUD....starring Matthew McConaughy (yep he's shirtless the last third of the flick) as Mud,and a bunch of character actors you all say "where did I see him/her before?" And oh yeah, some Oscar winner who when she says do you know who I am you should always say NO, Reese something or other. Matthew Mud is a chip toothed goofball living in a boat in a tree on an island somewhere in Arkansas when two kids find him and befriend him taking him food and trying to help him reunite with his true love, Juniper, played by that Oscar winner whatshername. The film is much like Beasts of the Southern Wild in its atmosphere and mood and if you liked that joyful little movie you probably will go for this. Mud aint exactly like he portrays himself, Juniper isnt what she portrays herself to be, the kids parents arent exactly who they portray themselves to be and of course by the end, we have a couple of kids with crushed hopes and dreams. No not really. It's worth catching at your local artsy fartsy theater.

HANGOVER terms that all Hangover fans can comprehend, "what the fuckity fuck fuck did they bother making this piece of shit for?" I never ever thought I could hate anything more than the blasphemy of Hangover 2, a money grab of a movie if there ever was one. Wrong! This miserable, mean spirited, wretched movie is so awful I can't even begin to tear it apart. If you like animal cruelty, human cruelty, senseless violence, mental illness, obnoxious assholes and a plot that is right out of a gangster movie that goes straight to DVD, hey spend the $10 and laugh your ass off. Whatever. If a beheaded giraffe, a smothering of a chicken, two dogs necks snapped, senseless killings, heart attacks, and a senseless appearance by Heather Graham, hell, all of the cast's appearance is senseless, but, if that sounds funny to you, yikes!

This despicable movie has totally ruined the first Hangover, which was brilliant. Jesus, there were a couple of times when John Goodman had the drop on all four of those dickheads and I was screaming "SHOOT!SHOOT!"

Yeah and stick around for the credits if you dare, after a minute or so you will treated to the humor that director Todd "I Suck" Phillips wanted to share as a FU to the critics, who hate his guts almost as much as I do. Sorry, Todd, the thought of a Hangover 4 makes me want to go see a Ryan Gosling picture. At least I'd get more sleep.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Spoiled Milk!

Back in 2009 out there in California, noted Austro-Mexican Merger advocate, Governor Arnold "How the Fuck Did He Get Elected" Schwarzenegger signed a law to turn all the kids into raging homos by celebrating Harvey Milk Day. This comes up next week and California parents are concerned that by being told who Harvey Milk was (yeah he's been dead for 35 years) that he will rise from the dead and persuade their male children to start making goo goo eyes at each other and start believing in science or something.

Yep, some asshole named Randy (hmmm) Thomasson (fuckin foreigner with two S's) has an organization, tax exempt I am sure, called Save California and is really really upset over this honoring of that gay San Francisco radical queerbait who had the nerve to get in the way of Dan White's lunchtime NRA target practice. Randy, who looks a bit like a queenie Louis C.K., is running ads and trying to scare California conservatives into keeping their little urchins home on Wednesday so they wont be subjected to things like this:

» Pro-Harvey Milk reading and writing assignments and tests
» Making children watch the fictional film “Milk” in class
» Having children participate in cross-dressing contests, mock gay-pride parades and mock gay weddings
» School assemblies teaching children that homosexuality, bisexuality and transsexuality are good and natural and maybe even for them

Shit, where was that kind of fun when I was doing time in Catholic school for 12 long fuckin years? I'd have killed to see a film like Milk, instead of the Greatest Story Ever Told all the flippin time. Cross Dressing contests? Mock Gay Pride Parades? Mock Gay Weddings? Bring it on baby! Hell, sounds like any football game I ever went to at my all boys Catholic high school!

But hey,all those LGBT activists, when they aren't swishing around demanding radical shit like equal rights and wanting the right to not be fucking beaten up or killed by repressed closet cases are out there covering up things you all should know. According to Randy C.K, the tinkerbells are covering up:

The dishonorable deeds of Harvey Milk
Harvey Milk was a liar
The negative effect of SB 572 upon schoolchildren
SB 572 targets kindergartners and tramples parental rights
"Drinking Harvey Milk's Kool-Aid" by Daniel Flynn
Poll shows 4 out of 5 Californians oppose "Harvey Milk Day"
The health hazards of homosexuality and bisexuality
73-82% of HIV transmissions are from homosexuality and bisexuality

Wow, that's a lot of covering up. Dishonorable deeds, lying, making Kool Aid? Sounds like the last Darrell Issa campaign.

Negative effects of SB572, targeting Kindergartners, trampling parents rights? Jesus, sounds like every school south of the Mason Dixon Line when some godless science teacher mentions the remote possibility of Darwin being right.

A poll showing what? You mean those things none of those idiots believed when they showed their Mormon savior getting his magic underweared ass shivved by a Kenyan.

Health hazards of homosexuality? Like what,derision for not plucking your unibrow?

And I had no idea that mentioning the name "Harvey Milk" will transmit HIV to the little darlings, well at least 73-82% of them anyway. 73 to 82 is also the average IQ of your normal Save California member.

Thanks Arnold. You gave them Harvey Milk Day and now all their kids are going to start dressing like The Village People and blasting the Weathergirls. Christ, they may even look at the Wizard of Oz in a whole new way instead of the way it should be looked at, in sync with Dark Side of The Moon.

Save California, Randy! Move!

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

One Of My Best Friends Is Black!

E W Jackson. He's running for lieutenant governor of Virginia and shhhhhhh, he's black. That tea party guy behind him is in awe of a colored guy who thinks just like him, thus, he's holding up a sign and not a rope. You see, E.W. (Extreme Wingnut?) Jackson is one of those Alan West type negroes who just cannot get enough of the approving gazes of old white people who are totally not racist or anything. You see, Virginia lets kooks who show up dressed like Ben Franklin nominate candidates for state office at one of those convention type deals that normal people wouldn't attend even if they were giving away free Obama targets. So the Virginia faction of the tea party showed up and nominated a real life colored guy to be Lt.Governor, whatever the fuck that is.

Extreme Wingnut Jackson has a great sense of humor when he's trying to keep a straight face while picking the pockets of not racist at all white people. Good old EW is one of those preacher fellas, ya see. So of course in the fine tradition of Jesus, The Reverend Jackson doesnt care much for the gays. He says funny shit about the gays like "they are incapable of love and their very presence is an attempt to “poison our children, divide them from their parents and the teaching of the church and basically turn them into pawns for that movement so that they can sexualize them at the earliest possible age.” Yep, and he didn't giggle once when he said that.

EW also aint much of a fan of that Nobama feller either. Even though they both have a lot in common with being dudes and members of the same human race and all, the good Rev says things to blonde mushbrains like Victoria Jackson (hmmm, related?)like "The idea that Barack Obama is a Christian is laughable. Barack Obama is at best a confused man, is at worst has the sensibilities, and I don’t know how this combination works, of an Atheist and a Muslim.”

Wow, an atheist AND a Muslim! Way to juggle there, Nobummer! You should join Penn & Teller onstage sometime.

Lately, EW Jackson has been praising that 1857 Supreme Court decision, named after some slacker named Dred Scott, who should have just been happy he had a fuckin job, as an "anti-slavery" amendment. If you remember, that decision made a slave 3/5 of a person, so the South could get even more federal money and consolidate its power to never ever abolish full employment for the blacks. Then of course the North started gettin all aggressive and stuff by letting Fort Sumter get in the way of Southern cannonballs and the rest is pure Northern atrocities on the good people of Dixie. Anyway, The Rev makes his point that 3/5 is a whole lot better than 0/5 thus, anti-slavery! How fuckin stupid are you to not understand that? Geeez!!

Oh Virginia. This is your choice. Every white tea party members best friend. Or somebody else, anybody else.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Teenaged Lobotomy!

Out of every tragedy comes even bigger tragedies. Like the fact Oklahomans elected these two dumbfucks ,Beavis Inhofe and Butthead Coburn, to the US Senate. Now these two goddamned cretins are attempting to deflect their previous votes to let people in the Hurricane Sandy ravaged Northeast go fuck a duck after the destruction was known. Coburn, who somehow got through the University of Oklahoma Medical School by giving himself an icepick lobotomy, is trying to be consistent by demanding spending cuts elsewhere before handing over federal disaster money to his home state like he did before when Sandy hit those gay marriage loving states. So Coburn wants the poors in Vermont or Taxachusetts or New Jersey to starve for a while so his Jesus loving constituents can rebuild just in time for another non climate change event to come blowing through and wreck their brand new trailers again.

Inhofe, who is even dumber than Coburn, even after the lobotomy, actually differentiated between bad Sandy relief and good Oklahoma relief by blabbering, "“They were getting things, for instance, that was supposed to be in New Jersey, They had things in the Virgin Islands. They were fixing roads there, they were putting roofs on houses in Washington, D.C. Everybody was getting in and exploiting the tragedy that took place. That won’t happen in Oklahoma.”

Inhofe, who thinks climate change is a "hoax", must also not understand Hurricanes form over oceans and wreak havoc over lots of places, like the US Virgin Islands, and cover thousands of miles. You know, because God has that power to teach those gays and their minions back east a thing or two. The devil, without a lot of power, can only conjure up those mini hurricanes like in the Wizard of Oz and try to kill Jesus loving folk.

Hey wait a minute, maybe Coburn graduated Oklahoma Doctorin' School by icepicking into Inhofe's head. Yea that explains it.

Monday, May 20, 2013

Boomer Sooner!

Hey Oklahoma? Remember back in the fall when your two numbnut Senators voted to slash funding for Hurricane Sandy relief? Yeah, you should remember that when the federal money comes pouring in because others aren't as black hearted and soulless as James "Climate Change is a Hoax" Inhofe and Tom "Deadbeat" Coburn. You're welcome, Oklahoma. Now next time those two embarrassments to the human race come up for re-election, Oklahoma, slash THEIR federal funding and send them back under the red dirt they crawled out from.

Hey, I can dream can't I?

The End Again!

Ray Manzarek, the glue behind America's greatest rock band, passed away today age 74. I fucking loved the Doors and I wasn't even on drugs at the time. I still love the Doors. And now, another of my rock icons is gone. Shit.

Ray played keyboards and the bass line and often sang when Jim Morrison was too wasted to show up or stay coherent. Now that, is why he was the glue.

Made the scene
Week to week
Day to day
Hour to hour
The gate is straight
Deep and wide
Break on through to the other side

I hope you did, Ray. I really do.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Insanity Personified!

Thanks, House Republicans, and especially my state's 3 representatives pictured above, for the 37th vote to repeal Obamacare which of course will go nowhere except for your dipshit rookie members to put that useless fact in their 2014 ads running against the Kenyan puppet's minions. What's that definition of insanity again? Doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result? Jesus, the House Dems should start voting to repeal the 2nd Amendment over and over again and see how the 227 Stooges react to that? Hey, did noted walking trail and Latin firecracker enthusiast Mark Sanford get a chance to vote on that yet? Oh damn, that ensures yet another try.

Man, I cannot wait till Obamacare takes hold and the IRS starts holding Teabagger death panels. That is, if any of those dinosaurs are still alive by then. Well of course they will be with all that government provided health care they suck from us under 65's. Funny how that works with the teabagger movement. I got mine, fuck you!

For the love of God, House Republicans, get onto something important. Like putting Reagan's mug on Mount Rushmore, or declaring zygotes human beinz (Do the Boogaloo like I do), or declaring Margaret Thatcher to be one sexy bird, or going batshit crazy over that whole United Nations Agenda 21 deal that nobody gives a shit about, or declaring the US of A a Christian nation, or declaring National Corvette Day, or impeaching that Muslim black guy over something! Anything! Like him forcing that Marine to hold an umbrella over his socialist head. Anything!

Oh yes, The United States House of Representatives. Home to the largest gathering of rubes and hicks since that last Mike Huckabee rally.

Friday, May 17, 2013

Worse Than Watergate!

The talking points out of the Heritage Foundation are telling all the talking and writing heads that Benghazi or the IRS or the AP or some Marine holding an umbrella over Nobummer's head is "worse than Watergate"! Worse than Watergate! Yeah, whatever that is.

Even normally calm collected Chardonnay swilling lushes like Peggy Noonan are saying this. Worse than Watergate (hic!).
Noonan, whose so laid back you really can't tell if it's the Glenlivet overdose or if she's on some wicked strain of medical marijuana, called it the worst Washington scandal since Watergate. Pegster apparently was sleeping it off for 8 years after her Challenger speech she wrote for Saint Ronnie because she seems to have forgotten that deal about cakes and Bibles and contras and arms to Iran her saintly boss got us into. You know, that whole Iran contra deal, where the G Gordon Liddy of the 80's, G Gordon North, took the bible and the cake to those fun loving mullahs and sold them some missiles and shit in exchange for oil cash that they turned around and gave to those Nicaraguan phonies. You know, cuz Nicaragua was a day long drive from Harlingen, Texas which is where Danny Ortega and the boys would take over America. Remember that, Peggy? Yeah, that Beefeaters destroys short and long term memory.

91% of conservatives think Benghazi is worse than Watergate. Shit, I wanna meet the 9% who don't. There's hope! According to the Public Policy poll, 55% of conservatives also think Benghazi is the worst scandal in American history! Worse than Teapot Dome? That's another question they asked. Oh yeah say conservatives! By far worse than Teabag Dorm, is it? Jesus, most Americans think Teapot Dome is where some soccer team in England plays. Why do they ask this kind of stuff? Hell, 6% of these idiots think Benghazi is in Cuba. Come on, everybody knows it's in North Korea, right?

Worse than Watergate? You betcha sez noted car thief Darrell Issa (Arsonist-Ca). Really, Darrell? Worse than that factory you burned down back in 1982 after increasing insurance coverage by 450%? You know, the factory with suspicious burn patterns? What the fuck? WHY do Californians keep electing this guy and not indicting him?

Worse than Watergate? Really, Jim Inhofe (HitsHeadALot-Ok)? Inhofe, yakking to some Limbaugh imitator called for impeachment on this "scandal" that is worse than The Pentagon Papers or the Iran Contra. Whoa there, pardner! Are you, perhaps the dumbest Senator ever until Sarah Palin snowmachines her way in, saying the Pentagon Papers was a bad thing because Nixon and his plumbers did bad stuff? Or are you saying Iran Contra was treason? Or are you just blabbering on because the global warming has turned your brain inside out? Somebody get Jim Inhofe a cold compress!

Worse than Watergate? Lindsey Graham (MediaWhore-SC) says this Benghazi thing is "Obama's Watergate". OK, Linz, I guess that's not technically "worse" than Watergate but your whole fainting dead away Southern Gentlemen bullshit is really getting old. Stay off TV for one weekend. I know you have to keep occupied on the weekends or else your uncontrollable urge to go to PT 1109 in Columbia and dance your ass off takes over but please, Lindsey, give the Sunday David Gregory handjobs a rest. His hand gets tired too.

Worse than Watergate? Well yes in a way. Back in 1973 we had Sam Ervin and Howard Baker getting to the bottom of it. Nowadays we have the dumbest bunch of clueless assholes who will never be more than a shitstain for the Capitol cleaning crew to deal with, running the show. Yeah, you're right, Nooners, this IS worse than Watergate. Pass me the Makers Mark, it's gonna be a long fuckin summer!

Monday, May 13, 2013

Holy Mother!

Oh no, we forgot Mother's Day. So here's belated Mommy's Day wishes to two of the craziest mothers out there. Michele and Sarah. Whatcha been up to?

Michele Bachmann recently absolved everybody the GOP wants to destroy, you know, the Black Muslim Usurper Kenyan and the killer of Vince Foster, in that whole Benghazi thing by revealing the real culprit. The big whitebearded guy in the sky did it. Yep, impeach God now cuz he did it. Bachmann, in one of her great reasoned arguments that a certain section of Minnesota really likes (????) said, "Our nation has seen judgment not once but twice on September 11. That’s why we’re going to have ‘9/11 Pray’ on that day. Is there anything better that we can do on that day rather than to humble ourselves and to pray to an almighty God?"

Way to go Michele! You not only absolve Nobama and the next President Clinton of Benghazi, you also absolve the culprit behind 9/11, the first one, the big one, back in '01, that being of course, Big Bill Clinton. So it's this God character who keeps fucking us over on 9/11. I always knew he was a prick. Thanks for confirming it, Michele!

Meanwhile up in that vast wasteland that for some reason the Congress admitted to statehood back in 1959, Alaska, one of those meaningless polls shows Sarah Palin in front for the 2014 Senate race. Two points ahead of somebody named Mead Treadwell and 8 points up on some other guy named Who Gives A Shit. Wow, Grizzly Mom, that's impressive. Alaska, home to grifters, deadbeats, fugitives and hillbilly families who give their kids names like Trigger, Tracker and Weeping Willow, will elect somebody to muck up the Senate and keep the federal funds flowing to their on the lam citizens. But will it be Mead Treadmill ,that Who Gives a Shit guy, or that bearded jackoff , Joe Miller because we know damn well it won't be the pick pocket they call Sarah. She makes too much easy cash tweeting out garbled nonsense and hyping up her Facebook groupies by somehow writing in a Fargo like accent. Not to mention she'd just quit anyway even if the refugees from Crimestoppers that live up there voted to further embarrass their so called state by sending somebody even dumber than Western Nebraska mob boss Debbie Fischer (Welfare Rancher-Ne).

And oh yeah, the poll was commissioned by something called the Tea Party Leadership Fund, who I guess were taking time out from their holding off the IRS goons with their canes.

So, again, Happy belated Mommy's Day to two of the biggest mothers out there. Dumb and Dumber.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Tax Avoidance Status!

Has the Tea Party stopped screeching yet? Of course not, like a sleeping pit bull suddenly stirred by a loud noise, these professional victims of black and hispanic suppression are now howling over the IRS targeting their 501c4 organizations for some extra scrutiny over their tax exempt status. Now as soon as your average tea party enthusiast flips over to Sean Hannity so he can tell them what the fuck a 501c4 organization is, boy are they pissed. How dare that Internal Obama Racketeering Service put my favorite, whats is it, 501 jeans organization, under scrutiny!! That Nobama proves he's a commie socialist who sat in the White House with popcorn and red kool aid and watched Ben Gazzara die over there in Casablanca and laughed about it last year whenever Mitt Romney said it happened.

Now MY reaction is this. Why in the hell is a political hack organization , either run by a crawling snake like Karl Rove, a couple of robber barons like the Koch Brothers or even a furriner like the master of the universe and puller of Nobama's puppet strings like George Soros, tax exempt?

Karl Rove started this 501c4 bullshit when he formed Crossroads back in 2009 or so and then in typical Rovian fashion, lied his ass off stating the organization was for fact finding and truth telling and not spending hundreds of millions of dollars to attempt to elect 65 IQ dimbulbs to Congress and a Three faced Mormon to the White House. You see, if you tell the IRS you aint gonna spend that much attempting to get some sort of Bangla Deshian type government but simply want to be some sort of think tank, hey thats ok with them. Tax Exemption earned.

After this scam worked, well you got every teabag wearing chain smoking 70 year old government moocher in a Medicare provided scooter starting their own Get The Black Muslim Out Now tax exempt clan. Shitbird, if I suddenly was inundated with hundreds or thousands of kooky tax exempt applications and every fucking one of them were so non creative as to put "tea party" in their name, I'd be a bit curious as to why this was happening also. Good for them. That's good government scrutiny and all thanks to that George W Bush appointed IRS head guy. THERE , I said something good about the worst leader in the history of leaders.

Oh and by the way, tea party afficianados, NOT ONE of your bullshit organizations was turned down for tax exempt status. So you all pay no taxes and add to the debt you hate so much and now join that 47% you all hate so much, and keep collecting your well earned Medicare and Socialism Security benefits. Yep, everything is normal at Tea Party Central. You're pissed off, you're wrong about everything, you're racist, and you're all fat. At least between the ears. Get on your scooters, physical or mental, and go play in traffic.