Saturday, December 27, 2014

Annie Bobadook!

You can't go from 60 to 120 much better than seeing Annie at 10 am and The Babadook at 5 pm. Wow, my brain almost exploded from eating sugar and candy at noon to becoming a healthy eating vegan by 6:30.


This remake or original version or black version or whatever you wanna call it has been universally crapped on by every critic in the Hotel Smug they hang out in. Ok fine. I've never seen Annie in any version. No stages, no movie theaters, no television, hell I'm so old I just remember the comic strip with the big eyes and the dog that goes arf and the leapin lizards exclamation.

But take away my movie snob card cuz I loved it.

This kid with the big hair, Quvenzhané Wallis, she just makes me feel good. She stole Beasts of the Southern Wild as an 8 year old and she steals this movie as a ten year old. She is a freakin joy to watch.

Jamie Foxx generally annoys me but makes this work. Rose Byrne, Bobby Cannavale, Cameron Diaz and a group of little girls so perfect makes this movie win.

All I can say is there wasn't one moment I wanted to leave. And that is a winner.

And for all those who think hackers leaking Annie was a 9/11 type attack, sorry, the 9/11 type attack was releasing The Interview.

The Babadook

I really don't like so called horror movies. What with the slashing and the misogyny and the violence they just bore me.

I also don't like it when critics start yakking how a movie is the scariest movie in 40 years or 10 years or ever. Because I know the hype is going to ruin it for me.

Quite simply, if you want to jump and scream and hide your eyes and see people's heads get chopped in half, forget it. The Babadook is not scary. That way. But if you are a parent, and remember how much your screaming, snotty, never stop talking brat used to make you think "I am going to break your fucking neck" this movie will get under your skin and into your head.

The Babadook scares you like Hitchcock used to scare you. That is a compliment, trust me.

The Babadook is a kid's book. A scary character who enters your house and won't leave. Like your relatives a couple of days ago. But the Babadook will also make you do things you want to do, but would never do. Like break your hollering wretch of a kid's neck.

The Babadook is about a single woman and her little boy. The father was killed taking her to the hospital to have the boy. The inner workings of the human brain are in full force. She hates that kid for killing her husband. She loves that kid cuz he's all she has. The Babadook enters the house and plays one against the other.

It really is a great movie, but not because of what you may have heard. It's not going to scare you that much, and it probably will not resonate with men as much as it will with women, but it really is a different kind of movie. And being from a first time director, it is a wonderful debut.

Friday, December 26, 2014

File The Lawsuit At 4:20!

First of all, just look at that picture above. Those two, uhhhhh, gentlemen, are the two, uhhhh, fellas that the voters of this state, uhhhhhh, Nebr-cool on the right side of the map, cave people on the left-aska, elected twice to be their Governor and Attorney General.

The guy on the right, the little fella with the I'm watching little fella porn look on his face is our esteemed Governor, Dave Heineman. A man so popular that even after his total indifference to whom he hired to run the state prison system resulted in violent criminals being let out of jail early and killing and raping and rooting for Miami, that he leaves office with a 60% approval rating. Mostly because those loons on the left side of the map see an (R) next to your name and think yer automatically good people. But he will soon be gone to be replaced by a trust fund kid named Ricketts who will run the state in much the same way. Shitty.

The guy on the left. Wow, what a piece of ,uhhhhh, work this guy is. That's our Attorney General,Jon Bruning, also soon to be leaving and to be replaced by a guy with an (R) next to his name cuz of freedom!

Jon Bruning has decided to go out with a spark. Jon Bruning doesn't much care for the pot, the weed, the MJ, grass (I'm old),reefer, the kind, the herb, oh hell, he just thinks it's called loco weed and it made Popeye go nuts once after Bluto spiked his spinach. But Bruning is gonna save all of us poor innocent Nebraskans from the drug cartel that is called Colorado. And he has joined up with another genius attorney general from Nebraska south, Okla-whole state is nuts-homa, to sue Colorado so they have to stop selling pot to its citizens legally cuz they voted that way. You know, Jon, the way the dopes here voted you into office twice?

Bruning and Okie Boy, soon to be joined by Kansas if they can find enough money there in Brownback-Ville, are trying to get the Feds to put a stop to the wackiness in Colorado cuz of federal law and shit. You know, the Feds? The guy Bruning and his ilk hate cuz he's black, uhhh, cuz of state's rights! The Feds? The ones who implement Obamacare that the little guy, Heineman, won't take Medicaid money for. Yeah those Feds.

Bruning thinks cuz the citizens of that hippie state legalized the pot, that all the people who go there to buy it legally all bring tons and tons of it back to Nebraska and that Buford T Justice has to arrest them and keep em in jail cuz of freedom, that it costs too much money to incarcerate these drug addled freaks and the tiny little counties out in JesusLand will all go broke.

Ok Bruning. Whatever you say. Ans state's rights guy, Little Davey, is all in his corner cuz of, oh hell I don't even know anymore.

Bruning is a former liberal pothead from way back. Writing about pro choice and legalizing pot back when he was employed by the college newspaper suddenly Bruning found the way to riches and fame in this state came NOT from those views but by being a right wing wacko. And thus, the transformation happened. All of that past shit is just being young and stupid.

Bruning asked all Colorado's border states to take part in his little lawsuit. Only Oklahoma was fucking dumb enough to bite on Bruning's blunt.

But instead of taking it to his mind and saying maybe these other redneck states won't joint, errr, join my little temper tantrum, perhaps it's not a good spending of that taxpayer money I so wish to save. Fuck no. I'm Jon Bruning and what I say goes.

Ok fine. Bruning is Bruning. He's run for U.S. Senate and lost. He's run for Governor and lost. Thus, logic tells me even the nutjob Republicans don't really care for this fish eyed son of a bitch. Maybe the other Attorneys General in fellow redneck states see him coming and go fuck I''m not in. But he trudges on, with the support of a guy whose growth was obviously stunted form something, to tell the hippies in Colorado what's good for them. Or maybe he just wants money.

He has sued to keep casinos out of Iowa. He has thrown legally married 22 year olds into jail for statutory rape. He has said that his answer to prison overcrowding is to stuff 6 inmates into one cell if you have to.

Yep, that's our Jon Bruning. A complete phony, a cynic, a con man and a cancer survivor. Oh yeah did I tell you that? Jon Bruning got colon cancer. He survived. He informed everybody who would listen he was changed man.

But who would have thought that after surviving cancer, and being a changed man, that a total dick would become an even bigger dick?

Stick that in your bong and smoke it.

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to all. Lock yourselves in for one long ass day. Christmas music! Santa Claus in the spirit!

But always remember what the greatest of them all said.

Have a great day!

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

The Interview!

You have to be kidding me. This movie caused all that shitstorm of activity about free speech and freedom and terrorists winning and all that bullshit?

First of all, the terrorists already won back on 9/11/01 when they gave the neo-cons, the defense industry, and the war profiteers all the reason they needed to scare the shit out of the American public and start makin money again after the lull of the 8 years of peace and prosperity of the Clinton years. So fuck that. THEY WON 13 YEARS AGO! Patriot Acts, NSA, Haliburton, wars, Gitmo, torture, Republican sweeps, War Criminals running the beacon of freedom in the world. Congrats to them. Suppressing a piece of shit like the Interview was the kindest thing terrorists have ever done. Too bad I was too dumb to just say thank you and relax.

The Interview is a two hour exercise in stupidity. Yeah yeah, stupid can be funny but this particular stupid is just, well, stupid. Making fun of Asian names? Dong? Hahahahahaha! Agent Fock and You? Hahahahahaha. If that amuses you when its done by someone other than a dipshit San Francisco TV station, well knock yourself out.

To even discuss this digital dump is a waste of time. It sucks like nothing has ever sucked before. James Franco is just wasting his talent. Seth Rogan is just getting wasted. On our dime.

So go ahead and contribute to the misguided notion that if you fork over $6 and watch this cess pool of a movie you have somehow saved America from terrorists. Freedom of speech is saved. U S A U S A!

Unfortunately, your mind will not be saved.

Go see something that will improve your mind. Save THAT kind of freedom of speech. Saving the type of freedom of speech The Interview touts just encourages the pricks at Sony to make more of this toxic bullshit.

And to the hacker, the ex-Sony employee, the disgruntled worker who hacked Sony. You should be running that studio, dude. You are brilliant.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Cuba Si Castro Si!

It only took 55 years or so. But Fidel Castro has won thanks to the Kenyan Surrender Donkey, Barry DeObummer. Signing the surrender papers today,The United States of America has now officially become Estados Unidos.

Normalizing relations with the worst place on earth, Cuba?. Excuse me while I whip this disbelief out. Disbelief that this hasn't happened oh about 50 years ago.

To those unconcerned on why the shunning of Cuba began back when JFK was still alive I'm about to give you the official Max's Dad version of Cuban/United, errr, Estados Unidos history.

1952--just another Cuban douchenozzle not named Desi Arnaz, Fulgencio Batista, after being told he was running off the board in the upcoming Cuban Presidential Election, says fuck this and seizes power in a military coup.

1952-58- Batista gives blow jobs to the American Mob, American Corporations, and the Cuban elites while the Cuban people make about 6 pesos a month working in American sugar fields.

1958- after years of bitching and moaning and a few bombs blowing up, Fidel Castro leads a revolt that successfully sends Batista into exile and seizes control, unleashing a regime that kills about a zillion Cubans, or maybe not that many, or maybe about as many as Batista whacked in the name of freedom.

1960--after years of squeezing every cent on the backs of Cuban peasants they could out of Cuba, US corporations say heyyyyyy JFK, what are ya gonna do, our profit margin on slave labor is under siege. JFK embargoes Cuba by using one of those commie executive orders, much to the delight of the right wingers.

1963-- JFK forbids Estados Unidos citizens from traveling to Cuba, forcing them to go thru Canada or Mexico to get there. Right wingers cheer.

1963-- JFK goes what the fuck? Right wing Cuban exiles kill him anyway. This may or may not have actually happened. But it was a helluva movie.

1970-- Rafael Squidward Cruz (R-Canada) is born in Calgary, Canada. He comes out the womb and immediately the doctor hates his guts. His first words are "Cuba? Eh?"

1971-- Marco Rubio (R-Cuba) is born. He comes out of the womb screaming "Cuba Si, Castro No".

1971-75--Lots of American whack jobs hijack airliners to Havana. They must have really mad about that whole travel thing.

1976-1991--Cubans, driving around in 1957 Bonnevilles, get drafted and sent to foreign wars to die for a cause only their corrupt politicians believe in. Or maybe that was Estado Unidos citizens. Who knows?

1991- Daddy Warbuckski (the Soviets) collapses and Cuba says aye yi yi!!! Castro has to go get economic help from Venezuela and China. Or maybe that was Estados Unidos. Who knows?

2008-- Fidel Castro dies. Or at least gets really sick and resigns. Fidel hands power over to Raul Castro, his brother. Or was that the Bush family in Estados Unidos? Who knows?

2009- A Kenyan communist Muslim takes over Estados Unidos after millions of fraudulent votes from Acorn, illegal aliens, and Black Panthers. Cuba waits and sees.

2012--The Kenyan wins re-election over a robot. Cuba waits.

2014--Cuban government accused of torture, murder and little by little stealing freedoms from its own citizens. No that DEFINITELY was Estados Unidos.

2014--Barry Obama, dictator of the Estado Unidos, announces a lifting of some of the bans on Cuba after conferring with the Communist Pope.

Translation-- Fuck You Republicans.

2014-Somebody points out to Marco Rubio where Cuba is on the map before he throws a temper tantrum sifting up memories of the 1960's.

2014- Americans shrug and say, "uhhhh does that mean I can buy overpriced cigars now?"

2014- Rush Limbaugh salivates over a new destination for he and his rent boys.

2014- Barack Obama continues on his scorched earth lame duck kiss my ass tour.

There ya go. Turn that in to your history teachers, kids.

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Murder He Taped!

Oh what's been going on lately as I've contemplated moving to fucking Sweden or Canada or whatever black hole that Interstellar movie took place in as this country degenerates into a giant mass of stupid.

What you see above is a murder. A group of tattooed, short man diseased, NYPD cops irate over a guy selling loose cigs on the street deciding to mete out a little NYPD justice by killing the guy. Ayyy you tapin' dat shit, go ahead you fuckin rat. Yeah, go ahead and tape it. Because of gutless prosecutors and rigged grand juries, nobody is going to do shit about police murder. Period.

Eric Garner, desperately begging for these little trolls to let him go, got in the way of strangulation artiste' Daniel Pantaleo's desire to teach this guy a lesson. By killing him. Ever been jacking around and somebody gets you in a position where you can't breathe? After you plead that "I can't breathe" your buds let you go. Oh but not NYPD. You fuckin pussy. Garner pleaded for his life, and these tough guy cops kept up the pressure until he was dead. Sorry NYPD apologists like Rep Peter "Archie Bunker" King (Mook-NY), you CAN speak if you are being choked to death. Obviously you dumb fucking Congress-meathead. Ya know how I know that? Cuz I saw the tape of a guy being choked to death SPEAKING.

Demonstrations taking place all over America are scaring the shit out of the Teabaggers. As the people in the crossfire of Police Departments all over the country say no more, the comfortable become less comfortable. The cops are all that keep the bad guys from busting into their houses and stealing their clown collections (as my Mom used to say NO MORE clowns!!) in their minds.

Our local paper publishes the old people version of internet comment sections in which those still talented enough to write in sentences longer than 140 characters can express their outrage. Hey I used to do it all the time until I got threats via snail mail for being for the gays, or for the chicks right to choose, or for the prosecution of war criminals running the USA. Yep, the anonymous comment sections are the way to go. Or this blog.

Anyway on 3 occasions this week, small town hicks have sent letters in stating their worldly view that if Eric Garner, or Michael Brown, or John Crawford, or Ezell Ford, or Tamir Rice or anybody else just obeys the police officers commands, well then, all is well and they aren't dead. Once again, every letter came from small towns in Nebraska where the clueless dominate. This is the prevailing view among white people. Well if you aren't doing something wrong, well then the nice policeman will not hassle you.

Pull your heads out of the black hole. Because until it happens to you, you deny it happens at all. At age 16 I was delivering newspapers at 5am in the "bad" part of Omaha, Nebraska. Sitting in my car with my helper folding the papers, in the dark, making a teenagers living, when 4 police cars screeched in behind us. The officers all had their weapons drawn, opened the car doors, yanked us out, threw us on the hood of the 1964 Rambler and put a gun to back of my ear demanding to know what the fuck we were up to. As I literally pissed myself, another "friendly" cop familiar with us and our notorious newspaper delivery job backed them off. Geezus, what if we'd been black, sick of the bullshit, and resisted the strongarm tactics of OPD?

I have never forgotten that incident. I'm white. I don't know what it's like to be black and won't pretend I can. But that incident with Omaha's finest made me a bit more sensitive to what it must be like to have that happen over and over. I work with black people who have told me of being stopped repeatedly because the fact they have jobs that pay a decent amount of money have allowed them to buy a new car. "Where'd ya get the car?" seems to OPD's method of interrogation.

So in conclusion.

Where's that black hole in Interstellar located?

Tuesday, December 2, 2014


Nightcrawler is one of the creepiest movies in a long while. The message after the nearly two hours of sleaziness, leering lust , intimidation, law breaking, attempted murder, murder, thievery, and immorality, all by Jake Gyllenhaal's Lou Bloom, is that all local news sucks. Oh does it ever suck. My city has a metropolitan area of nearly a million and half the time the lead story is a fucking car wreck, complete with the mandatory shot of a lone shoe lying on the pavement. Man, it's unwatchable. Ebola, car wrecks, burglaries, robberies, shootings, child molesters.

Nightcrawler covers all that. Lou Bloom is a thief who one day sees another ambulance chasing cameraman come upon a car wreck and begin filming. It intrigues Lou Bloom, one of life's losers. Exploiting dummies is Bloom's gift. With his how ya doin bullshit, Bloom steals metal and gets himself a cheap video camera at the pawn shop. This vampire begins running around at night finding things to film and sell it to local news stations so low in the ratings that reruns of Mike and Molly beat it to death in the ratings. Renee Russo is news director at that station and begins a relationship with Gyllenhaal's Lou Bloom. Buying his tapes, and eventually sleeping with him to keep the tapes coming. Man, is local news a sleazy business. Yep, says Nightcrawler.

Lou Bloom is a creep. Migawd he's a creep. Gyllenhaal lost weight, darkened his greasy hair, and leers with the best of the movie creeps as he exploits dumb assistants, blackmails news directors, arranges crimes to be committed, puts people in danger, meddles in crime scenes, sabotages the competition and eventually betrays his puppy dog loyal type assistant as much as you can betray someone.

Hey I liked it. Gyllenhaal's character, Lou Bloom, reminded me of somebody but I can't place it right now.

Paging Travis Bickle. Paging Travis Bickle. Your taxi is ready.