Thursday, July 25, 2013

When You Say Budweiser, Five Vendors Descend On You!

St Louis Day 2. Goddamn it's hot and humid here. You sweat just opening a door, like a fat guy at Culvers, oh yeah I said that. It's another Phillies-Cardinals game tonite.

Notes from Bud Town Day 2:

1) The Arch is cool to look at from the ground. Once you get in there, they take $10 and jam you and 4 others into a soup can, slam the door and make you spend 4 minutes trying not to panic as you ascend the Arch. Once you get up there you get to look out a tiny window on the vast sauna that is St.Louis. Snap a few pics and you are ready to go back down. In that soup can. I shudder to think if it got stuck. Like I said, the Arch is great to look at, from the ground.

2)Unlike Marquette, St Louis University is NOT in the middle of the 'hood and is actually very cool looking. I have no idea why the Jesuits decided to place every university they run right in the middle of less than desirable neighborhoods, except St Louis I guess.

3) Chris Rock once warned us that if you find yourself on Martin Luther King Boulevard , you better leave. We found ourselves on MLK Blvd and left. Dodging the burned out buildings.

4)In the good seats at Busch Stadium, in something called the Redbird Club, are padded seats and a great view of the field behind home plate. Once again, no hot dogs unless you want that fucking basket.

5)The Phillies suck.

6) Good thing I get twitter and knew the Phils called some guy named Steve Susdorf cuz when he made his major league debut and grounded into one of three double plays, I could keep up the I'm from Philly routine by saying yeah he's a career minor leaga.

7) Cardinal fan is so polite they even applauded a guy (Susdorf) making his debut. Maybe Cardinal fan is so astute they knew he's just kill a Phillie rally.

8) Cardinal fans like it when Budweiser plays that ad featuring the Dalmatian and clap along to that flippin annoying Budweiser song.

9)There were no homers again and the Cards won 3-1. Thus the best players in baseball are still Kipnis, Jesus, Jhonny and the St.Louis Cardinals entire 40 man roster.

That's it. Tomorrow it's a harrowing trip through rural Missouri. I can hear the banjos in the wind.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Ayyy, Youse Got Tastycakes Around Heah?

Try driving from Chicago to St. Louis in July with a rental car with a blown out air conditioner. On second thought, don't. We were sweating like a fat guy at Culvers in Bloomington, Minnesota toweling himself off. Yes, we saw that. It's Phillies and Cardinals for a couple of games.

Notes from Saint Looie Day One:

1) The Arch is quite impressive from the ground.

2) Busch Stadium is packed. Every game is packed. No matter what. You gotta love a city that cares more about its baseball team than its shitty football team.

3) The bleachers at Busch Stadium are hot, in the sun until about 7:30, and full of season ticket holders who are crazy. Some old crusty lady, a Cubs fan, a Cards season ticket holder, could not wait to give the Phillies bullpen a piece of her mind. With a voice like a chainsaw, she could not be stopped hurling insults at the Double A bullpen staff the Phillies pass off as major league relief pitching.

4) Try finding a simple hot dog at Busch. Impossible. Everything is in a "basket" and costs over $10. I guess you are allowed to bring in your own food, but in my opinion, people who do that should be shunned. Go to a free concert in the park if you wanna do that. Except maybe at Busch.

5) John Mayberry Junior is the crappiest center fielder in baseball. His diving "attempt" to catch a routine single turned a blooper into a triple. Christ, he was 5 feet away from where the ball landed. Look it up, it's hilarious. His old man hung his head in shame.

6) The Cardinals are a machine. They do everything well. The Phillies are a broken down machine that does nothing very well. See #6.

7) There were no home runs in this game but so far the best players in MLB are Jason Kipnis, the Padre hamed Jesus, the Tiger with the spelling problem name Jhonny, and the entire 25 man roster of the St.Louis Cardinals.

8) Max is a Phillies fan. I have no idea why. If you have the opposing teams gear on, you are constantly asked if you are from said city. Being from Nebraska, I got sick of saying no we are from Nebraska not Philly. So after about the seventh inning I became a Philly resident. By the way, the new ballpark in Philly is great, the city is hot and humid just like heah, Pat's is the best cheese steak, the old Vet was a dive and the Eagles are gonna suck. At least that's what I started telling youse guys. And where can I get some wooder.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

It's One Dollar! No I Said Two Dollars! I Got Change!

Driving in Chicago is a goddamned nightmare. Snailing our way down Diversey Avenue at 2:30 pm? Really? What's it like at 8 am? Oh we will find out. It's White Sox-Tigers at U.S. Cellular.

Notes from Chicago:

1) Just as Ryan Braun was suspended the day we were to see the Brewers, Miguel Cabrera was injured in Monday's game and would not play on Tuesday. Oh well, the Tigers still have some guy named Jhonny.

2) If you get a Row 1 seat at Comiskey Park, errrrrrr, U.S.Cellular, you actually sit in Row 2. Cuz the White Sox have something called Row AA which is actually Row 1. Watching everybody screw up by saying ayyyyyy you're in our seats only to realize they are a row behind was actually funny. We were in Row 1 down the right field line, errr, I mean Row 2.

3) Prince Fielder is fat. There's just no other way to say it.

4) The Tigers have a Samoan linebacker named Tuaisosopo. He plays outfield. Tiger fans call him "Matt".

5)There's a lot of Tigers fans who come to Chicago. We were surrounded by this strange lot of Detroit fans who I'm sure live nowhere near Detroit.

6) The L train is rerouted for construction so a former one block walk is now 5 blocks. It is adventurous to say the least. Going back to the trains at 10 pm we saw what can be described as guys with cups for spare change, a guy playing a saxophone for tips, two guys drumming for tips and some maniac "selling" newspapers who kept changing the price depending on how naive he thought you were. I got by him for 4 quarters, but poor Max was assaulted by this homeless version of Donald Trump who "demanded" two dollars. What's a poor kid to do? I had to put a stop to this grifter. But I think he got his 2 bucks. Guess Max is lucky he didn't get his 20!

7) The three best players in baseball so far are Jason Kipnis, some Padre named Jesus and a Tiger who spells "Johnny" as "Jhonny". "Jhonny" slammed a homer into the left field stands. WTF?

8) White Sox fans are a hearty lot. There's nothing advantageous to being a Sox fan other than you have two World Series wins since the North Side losers won. So these guys are real fans, not hipsters. The three World Champion banners are kind of pathetic, 1906, 1917, and 2005. Until you realize the Cubs have none since 1908.

9) I love walking around Chicago. I love the L train. Period.

Off to Saint Louis.

Monday, July 22, 2013

Stosh Totally Threw The Sausage Race!

Stop # 2 of the Great Baseball Circle Trip was Milwaukee for a Monday night game featuring the last place Brewers and the last place San Diego Padres. Hey you can walk to Miller Park there from National Street's Best Western.

Notes from Beer Town:

1) Do not go looking for Marquette University. Trust me here.

2) Ryan Braun is a cheating, lying asshole. He was suspended the very day we show up to see the Brew Crew. However, to give Brewer fan some credit, we only saw one delusional Braun jersey wearing jackoff stand and applaud for a solid minute when they showed one of Braun's juiced up homers on the big screen.

3) Padre left fielder Carlos Quentin, who was standing right in front of us the entire game, has Popeye forearms. How does this guy only slam 20-30 homers a year?

4) The Brewers have a new left fielder since their old one is a lying sack of shit. I have no idea who he is. But he was also standing right in front of us the whole game.

5) Brewer fans like to drink. But they drink beer like they should and not whiskey like upper deck Twins fans.

6) The sausage race in the bottom of the 6th was tremendous. It started right in front of us and our sections rep, Stosh the Polish, had a length lead 5 feet from the wire before he totally threw it and fell down. What a bum! Throwing a race to Brett Wurst! Come on! Guido, the Italian, showed. Frankie Furter was fourth and Cinco the Chorizo was last. It was by far the best "race". Just edged out that giant headed Target dog's win on Sunday at Target Field.

7) Tried and failed to see if Front Row Amy was there. With the loss of that juicing cheat Braun, she may be the greatest Brewer ever!

8) Milwaukee apparently has about 1 million Boy Scouts as they paraded on the field before game time. I swear it took an hour. And it apparently is mandatory for Milwaukee scoutmasters to have gigantic beer bellies.

9) Oh yeah, the Padres won 5-3 or something. Some guy named Jesus, the first baseman for the Padres, hit a home run. Of course.

Off to Chicago!

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Hall Of Famer Jason Kipnis!

I am a bit out of it as I've been on a gigantic circle jerk of a baseball trip thru Minneapolis, Milwaukee, Chicago and St Louis for the last week. Did anything happen while I was concentrating on my true love, guys hitting balls with a long stick? Speaking of that, how's the New York Mayor's race panning out?

Notes from Minneapolis:

1) Target Field is still the best place on earth to get Walleye on a stick!

2) Don't sit in upper deck on a Saturday night unless you wish to endure drunks. Oh no, not beer drunks, hey man, been there, but whiskey drunks. Who the fuck drinks whiskey at a baseball game? Upper Deck Twins fans, that's who! Holy Schnikes, these 20 somethings were hard core and by the 5th inning were hollering obscenities my mother up in heaven would have blushed at. That's what I get for being a cheap ass. Check out a stint at Hazelden, upper deck whiskey drinking Twins fans.

3) Sit about 17 rows or more up for a day game if you spring for the lower grandstand seats. The sun was killing us until about inning 2 on Sunday and then it went away. Cool. But the Twins lost bad.

4) Jason Kipnis is the greatest baseball player who ever lived. Shit, everything he hit on Saturday night or Sunday afternoon almost went out. Two homers? Damn, he's a second baseman, Scott Diamond (how is THIS guy still in the major leagues?), throw him something he can't hit, like 4 straight balls.

5) How is Tony Oliva 75 years old already? No No No, he's still hitting third in front of Harmon Killebrew, isn't he? Oh lord, I'm getting old. But I bet Tony O could still double off Scott Diamond.

6) The Light Rail system in the Cities is great. Parked at the 28th Street station, paid the $3.50 each , and rode right up to the Target Field entrance. Then back again after the games. My only question is how do they know if you paid? I swear half the people hopping on and off didn't pay a dime to get on. Just wondering.

7) TC, the Twins mascot, a knock off of the Hamms bear I assume. sometimes looks happy as hell, and then when you get a good look at him, he looks kind of deranged with a sort of crazed I'm about to chew your head off look.

Off to Milwaukee.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Mommy, That Man's Picture Scares Me!

Oh calm down Bahhhhhhhstan! You sons of bitches showed yourselves to be as tough as Noo Yawkers were after 9/11 and now because a dying magazine (which of course I subscribe to) puts a glamour shot of White Hat on the cover, you all curl up in the fetal position and cry just like you did when da Bruins got punked by Chicaaaaago a few weeks back.

Seriously, there is really nothing I really could care less about here, except maybe if Rolling Stone put that squinty eyed no talent Taylor Swift on the cover. Oh, they did? Now I'm fucking outraged!

There are a substantial number of people in this nation who belong to a club that thinks if you ignore murderers like Jokar or Holmes or whatever the fuck that NRA poster boy up in Connecticut was named, or Zimmerman that they will all just go away. The old stick your head in the sand argument aint makin it any longer. These guys will keep killing and killing and killing until we do something about it other than get our knickers in a big wad over a picture on a cover of a magazine. You know, like mental health treatment, gun control, or actually listening to when the priest or rabbi or mullah or pastor tells you to start treating people like you want to be treated. That is, if you can stay awake long enough through all that other bullshit to get that far.

Putting this guy on the cover of a magazine is a non event. Until a bunch of whiny ass Sawwwwwwx fans went all Houston Astros over this thing. It's the beginning of the end, Bahhhhhhhstan . Officially, your weaselly reaction to a picture of the big bad boogie man will start the Sawwwwwwwwx on their way to oblivion. Thanks a lot, Chowderheads. You probably just made the goddamned Yankees AL East Champions.

It's all a matter of toughness. Noo Yawkers told Osama Bin Laden (oops sorry Bawwston, I mentioned his name) to shove it up his ass. You former wicked pissas went all retahded by cowering in your bunkahs at the picture of a 19 year old killah. Nut up!

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Bingo! B37 Wins It For George!

I have a 16 year old son. He likes Skittles, iced tea not so much but you can't keep a Diet Mt Dew out of his hands, and owns two hoodies, a dark Beatles hoodie and a Kansas Jayhawks hoodie. To think that on a dark night, a bitter vigilante thug like George Zimmerman could see him walking around and shoot him with no consequences chills me to the bone. Now, of course my hoodie wearing son is white so there's no chance a loony like Zimmerman would do that but to the many millions of black parents of teen aged boys it's fucking real.

I made the mistake of watching the interview with Juror B37 online and the indifference and lack of empathy shown by this woman is breathtaking. The woman, who had a book deal that has now been thankfully crushed, was ,in my opinion, lying her ass off the entire time she yakked at Anderson Cooper. I believe that this woman had "not guilty" in her head from the get go. If you've seen the voir dire of her on Gawker you'd hear her say she doesn't read the newspaper, in fact she uses it to let her parrot shit on. She doesn't like the media cuz it's all skewed (except for Fox I'm sure), she knows nothing about Trayvon Martin except he's a "boy of color" (hey is this Paula Deen??) and "knew" there were "riots" in Sanford after Trayvon was whacked but that the authorities "had it pretty well organized". Yeah B37,, organized riots. Ok great, this dope got on the jury? I guess that knock knock joke misogynist attorney Don West told wasn't funny because it was aimed at B37 and meant to be serious! My question is if B37 was acceptable to the prosecution, what in the name of holy hell did they object to?

Stop with the the jury had no choice bullshit. There are people executed in Florida on flimsier evidence than this case had. The simple fact of the matter is George Zimmerman is one dangerous fuck. He was arrested in 2005 for battery of a police officer, accused in 2005 of domestic violence. Hey if it quacks like a duck, right? And this guy was allowed to walk by Juror B37 because he had his "heart in right place". Yeah, Trayvon Martin's heart was also in the right place. Right in front of a maniac's gun.

I made the mistake of seeing Trayvon Martin's death scene picture online. I would suggest if you have a child, do not look it up. I cannot get it out of my mind. After seeing it, I am convinced it was Trayvon's voice screaming for help on that tape. Sorry, Juror B37, the high pitched screaming is not that of a 250 pound adult, but of a kid. But we all know, probably led by your attorney husband, you had it in your head all along how to turn the death of that "boy of color" into a fucking cash grab. You do not fool me, B37. I know white people like you. I work with white people like you.

But I also work with fine black mothers and fathers who are were scared shitless their kids would be killed by their fellow kids, or the police. NOW, in addition, they have to worry about Paul Blarts out there with a license to kill thanks to people like Juror B37 who think an armed vigilante and an unarmed 17 year old are on equal footing.

Thanks, Florida, once again you have shown yourselves to be clueless dopes. But what other state would elect a Medicare fraudster like Rick "Voldemort" Scott as Governor?

Monday, July 15, 2013

Where's My Billion Dollar Bill In My Album?

Back in 1973 or 1974, I don't remember, my concert experiences had been a rocking set by Deep Purple and for some inexplicable reason I'm not really sure of now, a crazy night of Black Oak Arkansas. Then Alice Cooper showed up at a dump in Lincoln called Pershing Auditorium (yeah it was a dump then too). Alice Cooper was on a roll, and apparently a lot of beer as my 17 year old self witnessed my first real "rock show". Alice chopped up babies, he got electrocuted, he was hanged, he played with a giant snake, and he got his head chopped off. It was great. But I kept wondering what the hell was wrong with him as he staggered and seemed a bit odd. Oh yeah, he was drunk. Not Jerry Jeff Walker drunk (that's a whole different story on that concert) but still a bit out of it.

40 years (EEEEK!!) later I took Max to see Alice Cooper on Saturday night. Jesus Christ, the now sober Alice still brings it. Bellowing Hello Hurray and walking thru a waterfall of flame, the now 65 year old Alice Cooper took the stage twirling a cane, dressed in top hat and tails and much like 40 years ago (eeeek!)I was hooked again. I saw myself in Max as he was captivated by the first real "rock show" he was witnessing. But hell, I was also loving this crazy showman killing it. Alice played with the snake, got electrocuted, threw money, and had his head chopped off just like old times.
Then after he "died" Alice and his band did a tribute to his "dead drunk friends". Break on Through for Jim, Revolution for John, Foxy Lady for Jimi, and My G G G Generation for Keith. You know, Moon.

End with a little School's Out with a little Brick in the Wall thrown in and you have a 90 minute thrill ride any old guy can appreciate. Throw in a tight band, a 10 foot Frankenstein, and a Medicare eligible maniac and it's a thrill ride any 16 year old can appreciate also.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Take It Away, Bugs!

Again, what's it take to convict somebody of murder in this fucking state? Somebody's in prison down there, right?

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

This Week's Trial Of The Century!

I just watched an entire day of this George Zimmerman trial so you don't have to. Before today I was positive that at then end of the trial the authorities would go dig up Trayvon Martin, book him and then stick the needle in his arm to kill him again for bothering that poor George Zimmerman guy.

But today the defense called a burr headed bulldog face named Dennis Root who was billed as a "defensive use of force" expert. Root, who couldn't help but mention his self defense business and the fact he was getting an hourly wage to sit there and tell you what a fucking wimp his fat friend, George Zimmerman, is. But you'd be crazy to think Mr.Root was there to promote himself and get some money, he just wanted everybody to know the truth. Just like Sean Hannity does.

Goddamn this trial is a farce. We have lawyers fighting with dummies, and I don't mean your average Fox News viewer, on the floor of a courtroom, we have defense attorneys calling everybody they can find to claim that a fat slob with a gun was screeching for help on a tape while being attacked by a pot fueled maniac with some Skittles and tea, we have kickboxing coaches claiming George Zimmerman couldn't fight his way out of a nursing home full of Terri Schiavos (oh tooo soon?) and a judge who truly hates knock knock joke guy.

I am now convinced Zimmerman sat in his house watching Hannity and O'Reilly and other white supremacists and ate and ate and ate so he'd look like the Fox Nation commenters and the all white jury will say chrissakes, how can that tub of goo even lift a gun much less use one.

The defense's closing statement will go something like this:

"Ladies of the jury, look at my client, a fat disgusting sedentary slob who was out that evening defending his neighborhood from future Black Panthers like Trayvon Martin, who, in a marijuana fueled rage, soon after playing the piano really fast, attacked my client for no reason, in fact taunted my hungry client with a bag of Skittles and bottle of sugary sweet tea. What was my client to do? His sugar levels dangerously low, taunted by a young thuggish 17 year old who had been plotting to stand in front of a white polling place in 2012 and intimidate older white ladies like yourselves into not voting for the Savior, Mittens Romney. What horrible fate awaited my client had he not exercised his 2nd Amendment rights and stood his ground against this out of control wild eyed hoodie wearing drug addicted dark lunatic with a plastic bottle of sugary tea? I suggest death by diabetes at best, choking on a Skittle at worst. Whatever the outcome, my fat out of shape client was in fear for his life and took appropriate action by gunning down at a 90 degree angle this future Democrat. You have no choice but to find Trayvon Martin guilty, I mean, whathisname? Oh yeah, George Zimmerman not guilty and in fact present him with a medal for his actions. Thank you and the check better clear, Mr.Hannity!"

Yeah I know, Zimmerman may walk. Very slowly and having to stop every few feet to catch his breath.

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Profiles In Cowardice!

Man, I really hate droning on about these laws being passed by various teabag dominated legislatures that create jobs and cut state spending but I cannot stop because they keep passing them and whomever the mouth breathing kochsucker who is running the state keeps signing them.

Friday, while most of America was hung over or trying to glue their missing digit back on, the bastion of courage running the progressive state of Wisconsin, Scooter Walker, signed one of those create jobs and cut spending bills that makes Wisconsin wimmen folk open their legs and submit to Walker's big vibrating rod before they can get that perfectly legal abortion. How does this create jobs and cut spending? Fuck if I know. You'd have to ask the teabaggers who won office in 2010 and promised to do nothing except create jobs and cut spending.

Now we all know that the Tea Party is full of lying sacks of dried up dog shit but who knew the bags were also full of chicken shit as well? Scooter Walker, as well as whatever teabagger dumbfuck runs the so called "Smart" Carolina, have all signed these laws that will soon be blocked by any judge with an IQ of 80, in the dead of night or on days when nobody pays attention.

Walker's law will force a woman seeking a legal abortion to endure a medically unnecessary ultrasound and then have some technician point to the blob of whatever they see and say hey, here's it's fingers and here's its liver, and here's its heart and here's its spleen, uhhhhhhh, I think. At which point all women will run screaming from the clinic, go home and give birth, and the state of Wisconsin will then say, hey you fucking slut, stop having babies you can't afford. No food stamps, No WIC, no nuthin! Ahhhhhhh, Wisconsin paradise.

For some reason, Walker, Kasich, Perry, Brownback, and whomever the rubes who run North Dakota and Arkansas are all think they will be the Savior of the Republican Party come 2016 when they run against the she devil Hillary.

Oh let us hope so. You assholes have been reading Sarah Palin's incomprehensible Facebook rantings too much and somehow think because that Wicked Witch of the North's views gibe with your, all women love you!

Sorry, Goober, but that Sarah on the horizon you think all women agree with isn't the Palin-ator. It's Sarah Connor coming to kick your asses.

Thursday, July 4, 2013

No Wonder Chrissie Hynde Moved!

What the hell is wrong with THAT picture? Hey, it's Ohio Governor John "That cop is an idiot" Kasich signing one of those all women are sluts bills that have sprung up like poisonous mushrooms all over red state 'Merica.

Why would any self respecting woman belong to this type of political party? These Ohio Republicans aren't even smart enough to find a useful idiot Ovary-American Republican to stand there and shut the fuck up.

Ohio Governor John Kasich and six old white creeps telling Ohio women what to do and when to not do it. At what point did these 7 misogynists run away from the press, go into the back room, and circle jerk onto a picture of Woody Hayes?

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Children Of Women!

Oh dear, do these mental midgets who were elected by other mental midgets back in 2010 when their GPS's all worked perfectly and they made it to the polls while the rest of us sat around in our Obama induced stupor smoking dope, eating Kenyan dishes, and reading the Communist Manifesto in between every 15 minute naps. Yep, the government leeching we hate government types ignored their own hypocrisies and ran off to vote for some of the dumbest creatures on two legs that have ever sought power. And they won. Whaaaaaaaaat?

So now, in their death throes, these Republican dimbulbs have finally decided to do what they were sent to their various mouth breathing legislatures to do. Create jobs and cut the deficit. Haaaaaaaaaaaaa! I crack myself up sometimes.

Create jobs? Shit, we already have one and most of the knuckle draggers who voted us in don't need a job cuz they are already sucking up Socialism Security and gettin that government mandated health care they want to deny everybody else. Cut the deficit? Of course! The lazy shiftless segment of society, politically correct term "the poor", need to be starved and homeless so they finally go out and get a damn job and start paying their own way at that $8 an hour companies so graciously hand out. So no more feeding your kids you shouldn't have had cuz you sluts keep having sex 6 or 7 times a day with menfolk who are unable to resist your temptress ways. Tramps!

And now, before these nitwits all get voted back to the fields where they belong in 2014, they must not only cut the bastard children of their states off at the knees, they must punish the harlots who had sex and got pregnant. These harpies, who these legislators totally don't want to bang, need to be forced to bear the satanist child and then get a fucking job to support the devil child that they totally love. If you don't get employed like two minutes after you have run up the $30K hospital bill? Fuck you AND that child we all love. Starve. Die. We don't care. That's your problem cuz that's what our lord and savior Jesus Christ taught us. So got a problem? Take it up with Jesus you stinkin trollop!

Meanwhile 2014 cannot come fast enough. So get off the couch this time.