Monday, June 30, 2014

Trollops, Vamps And Hussies!

There ya go, sluts. You want to sex up every man you come in contact with, the Supreme Court says you can't make Hobby Lobby pay for your tramp pills you have to pop everytime you open the vayjayjay. Poor Hobby Lobby, importing all their shit from China because Americans demand too much money to live. Now they had to pay for harlot pills too. Jesus H Christ, Hobby Lobby can't possibly stay in business having to pay for whore pills AND Viagra and vasectomies too. Fuck, I mean Frick, Hobby Lobby cannot be expected to violate its firmly held religious principles of love and concern by forking over it's hard earned slave labor money so bitches and ho's can tempt the ruling males with their bumpy things and strumpet ways with no consequences of babies and no food stamps.

The United States Supreme Court, having now passed the United States House of Representatives as the biggest danger to American society, in one day has told women to go fuck themselves again, and told freeloading workers benefiting from union negotiation they can keep their dues and contribute them to the Koch Brothers instead like any good 'Merican would.

These meatheads, Tony the Rat Scalia, Uncle Thomas, Sam the Sham Alito, John Mister Roberts and Anthony I Shame the Name Kennedy, have told women they are too goddamned unimportant to give a shit about. Now Sotomayor and Kagan, go get us some sweet tea and pick some up for Ginsburg since she's so old and decrepit. Now were's my Viagra?

This Court in the last week has allowed lunatics protesting abortion to get in anybody's face they wish by striking down buffer zones designed to keep Cialis popping men from demanding women have babies and then screeching what floozies they are for having babies. Striking down buffer zones from behind a buffer zone. On the other hand who'd want to get close to those cranky old men anyway? Except maybe today.

Men telling women what to do. It's as American as mass shootings!

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Dick Vader!

Are ya fuckin kidding me? This waste of air, this war criminal, this soul sucking dimwit, and her father too are out there pimping for more war war war. The Cheneys. Dick and Liz. Evil and Eviler. The sociopath and the unemployable spawn.

They are starting a money laundering, errrrrrr, a non profit entity called Alliance For a Stronger America which will gladly take your donations, pay Liz a hefty sum, and then run ads telling everybody what a pussy Barack the Hussein Obama is. How he took Dick Cheney's crowning achievement, the highly successful Iraqi Operation Haliburton, and wiped his Islamic lovin ass with it. Yep, that's what the Cheneys will tell the whole nation. All ya have to do is send them money. Sound familiar?

This heartless prick, getting back into the game with his carpetbagging misanthropic daughter, is one of the few humans on earth I would consider removing myself as an organ donor for. The utter fog this vile gangster walks around in, led by his panting villainous offspring, must be so thick it could choke Longmire.

Shit, even that cockeyed debutante, Megyn Kelley, couldn't stand to listen to Cheney's devilish blather. When you've lost Fox News, you've lost Vietnam or something like that.

Wanna get nauseated and lose some weight by upchucking the Whopper with Cheese, go see what the website says about Dick Vader. This is a particularly chilling passage:

"Cheney has been recognized by many as the most powerful and consequential vice president in American history, and worked side by side with George W. Bush to keep our homeland safe and protect Americans from terrorist attacks for seven and a half years following 9/11."

Yeah 7 1/2 years of safety. Forget about that first 6 months or so when Dick and Dick were ignoring meaningless memos about some guy with a beard that was determined to blow shit up. Shhhh.

7 1/2 years of safety. Tell that to the families of the 4,486 Americans you sent to their demise for nothing but your lies and blind greed. Tell that to the 32,000 Americans who lived through your immoral war and had their bodies crushed and destroyed.

Tell it to the hundreds of thousands of brown people you liquidated in order to keep them "safe".

Ya know, fuck that 89 year old Auschwitz guard arrested in Philadelphia. It took forever to nail that murderous miscreant, but they finally nailed him.

Are we gonna wait till our own version of Johann Breyer is 89 years old? The evildoer in our own midst is already 73. He lives with some other person's heart who probably had no idea what they were unleashing back on society signing that donor card. This wretched excuse of a human being is not only walking free, but he's now scamming people for money.

Hello, Karma? Helloooooo??

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Ole' Ole' Ole' Ole' Ole'!

Soccer is gay. Soccer is for pussies. Soccer is for terrorists. Yeah we've heard it all from the rough and tough American sports fan. Well, not so much any longer cuz hey man let's party!.

I like soccer. I admitted it years ago which is kind of admitting you like Abba, which I also admit. In fact I actually want to attend an Sporting Kansas City game. They look like they're having more fun than at your average Royals game.

Yesterday the United States soccer team defeated that powerhouse Ghana 2-1 much to the delight of clueless people who get all excited at the favorite barely beating an outmatched rival. Ha! Outmatched. Hardly. But again, give young Americans a chance to dress up like assholes and go all jingoistic and the'll take it ever time. We Killed Bin Laden! We Killed Bin Laden! We Are The Champions We Are The Champions!. Lacking self esteem is not an American trait. But just wait for the Germans to prick that red white and blue balloon.

And for those who cannot wait for the NFL cuz thats real football, take a look at Cliff Dempsey putting his nose back on his face after he got kicked in the grill by some foot wielding Ghanan. That oughta give ya a boner till Johnny Football takes the field and gets smooshed like the bug he is.

Oh Clint Dempsey. You have reached hockey player status. Move the nose back into position and go back out to play the game. Shit, hockey players bust legs and still play. There's no athletes as tough as hockey players. MMA or UFC doesnt count cuz those guys are psychotic maniacs who probably should be committed along with everybody watching.. But Dempsey has reached that status. And so has soccer.

Screw the NFL.

Sunday, June 15, 2014


It was the fall of 1975. I was a sophomore at the University of Nebraska living in the zoo they call dorms and was home in Omaha and I saw them. The magazine covers. Time AND Newsweek. Rock's New Sensation. Making of a Rock Star. Hell, who IS this guy? He has to be important, right?

I got back to Lincoln, asked my older roommate if he'd ever heard of this guy, Bruce Springsteen? Nope. So I went over to Dirt Cheap records and bought Born To Run. Back to the dorm, the roommate perked up, and we put it on the turntable. Fuuuuuuck.

"The screen door slams, Mary's dress waves. Like a vision she dances across the porch as the radio plays. Roy Orbison singin for the lonely, hey that's me and I want you only".......and then......."With a chance to make it good somehow hey what else can we do nowwww......except ROLL DOWN THE WINDOWS AND LET THE WIND BLOW BACK YOUR HAIR.....".......Jesusssss.......Both of us....blown away by one fuckin song by a guy we both never heard of? days of Black Oak Arkansas and shit like that were over.

The rest of Born to Run was equally compelling. My roommate "borrowed' that album right out the door at the end of the semester. He called me telling me he still had and he would get it back to me. Never happened. He called me to go see Bruce in Omaha in 1978 but I lacked the funds at the time. I've till never seen that album again. No matter, I bought a new one soon after he "borrowed" it anyway.

Anyway, Bruce Springsteen is more important to me than maybe any other singer/songwriter and that includes Dylan, Morrison, Lennon or McCartney. He came along at THAT time in one's life when you're 18 and looking. The others were childhood memories. And they were dead, writing crap, broken up or just plain nuts. Bruce was none of those.

Now I'm not the kind of guy who runs off and sees rock acts in other towns so I never saw Springsteen until his 1984 tour and he came to Lincoln,Nebraska. I went down, scrounged a ticket for $16 from some guy who I'd told how much I HAD to see this, and ended up 3 rows back BEHIND the stage. Best seat in the house. Cuz The Boss (Bonnie I dont KNOW who he's the BOSS of!!:))turns around. A LOT. So close I could see the obvious connection between he and Patti, even though he was married to that actress at the time. Damn. 4 hours of sweaty rock n roll. My Dad, my Grandma, neither of whom had a clue to who this guy was, both went "four hours?" My Grandma referred to him as "your friend" everytime he was in the news after that. "I see your friend gave a bunch of money to the food back today" She wasn't being snarky. She just had probably never seen me carry on about anyone like that before. "My friend". Miss ya Grandma.

Favorite Song:

Shit how do you pick that? Thunder Road, my first? Rosalita? Nebraska? Human Touch? The River (with the sage advice to every person who is 15 to 20 years old "I got Mary pregnant and man that was all she wrote)? Tunnel of Love? Philadelphia?

There's literally dozens of favorite songs but I'm picking:

The Rising

After 9/11 I had no clue to what the fuck any group of people would do that for. I couldn't comprehend how 300 plus firefighters could lose their lives in one moment of insanity. It still blows my mind. Really! And then came this album from Bruce Springsteen. I carried it around work with me. I listened to it all the time. The Rising is how I coped. Much like The Streets of Philadephia he puts himself, and you in that place where nobody wants to be. Nobody else I know of can do that.

Worst Song:

Sorry but I absolutely hate Dancing In The Dark. Hated it from the first time I saw that stupid video that launched Courtney Cox into stardom. What the hell, Boss? It must have been a rough patch for you to make that idiotic video. You are not Tom Jones. Only Tom Jones is Tom Jones.


So many. Yet I would argue Jungleland.You get it all in this masterpiece. The painted picture, the poetry, the Van Zandt solo, the Bittan piano, and of course the Big Man's sax solo which is chilling. Who hasn't screamed at an E Street band show "Dowwwwwwwn innnnnnn Jungle-Laaaaaaaand"?

The man, the Boss, still relevant at age 65. Every bit as much as 1975 when I first saw those magazines siting on the coffee table at home knowing neither of my parents had even so much as read the articles. The articles felt unread. That made it so much better.

Father's Day!

It's Fathers Day. Almost 15 years ago my Dad, much like Henrik Lundqvist, couldn't stop any more shots from cancer and finally lost in quadruple overtime. He was the toughest sonuvabitch I've ever known. Period.

There's a picture of my Dad doing the two things he loved more than anything else. Playing golf and drinking beer.

Here's to ya, Dad!

Saturday, June 14, 2014

Hags And Skanks!

Iowa lies right across the river from me. Iowa has always been a sane sort of state. Yeah I know they've sent that bumpkin, Chuck Grassley, to the US Senate since Lewis & Clark were kids and keep electing that mustachioed balloon head, Terry Branstad, to the Governor's mansion. But they've also sent Tom Harkin to the US Senate since Terry Branstad had his first stoner 'stache too. Iowans, except for the genetic Republicans who permeate the Western part of the state, are a fairly reasonable race.

Tom Harkin has had enough of Mitch McConnell and his ilk and is quitting, opening Iowa's sane Senate seat for competition. Enter one Joni Ernst. Joni Ernst. She is one of those genetic Republicans from Red Oak, Iowa and has won the Republican primary to go to DC as Iowa's Junior Senator. She's also a kook.

Joni Ernst caused a nationwide Tea Party boner when she told everyone she used to castrate hogs and was gonna castrate Obama or something like that. Then she started running ads where she points guns at the camera, squints and fires away at imaginary minorities or something like that. Joni Ernst believes in "free market alternatives" to the evil Obamacare which of course means she thinks uninsured people should just volunteer as target practice for her Iowa National Guard units. Joni Ernst thinks Iraq had WMD's, or maybe not, or yeah they did, once, somewhere and that's why the fucked up Iraq War was really cool. Joni Ernst doesn't much like the gays affecting her 21 year marriage to a blockheaded double dipping ex Army Ranger named Gail either. Damn, she can't even sleep at night thinking how some gays might be in love and how much that ruins her relationship with Sgt.Rock. Pass that federal constitutional amendment that balances the budget and bans the gays from fucking her inner psyche up.

Joni Ernst's marriage is rock fucking solid. Gail, the ex-Ranger is one macho dude. Damn near as macho as the gun totin hog castratin' bike ridin' Joni herself. Gail has lot to live up to since he's one of those retired types so he has taken to Facebook to show what a tough guy he still is. Facebook? Really, Gail Ernst? You know that Zuckerberg is one of those, you know, pussy smart guys, right?

Gail Ernst isn't gonna take any shit from a fucking woman. No sirree Bob. Fuck them and their crying and emotional bullshit. Kill Kill Kill! Like his woman-man Joni!

Joni Ernst says Gail Ernst has a big fucking mouth. She has condemned Gail's woman hating screeds on that there Facebook. You know, where he called Hillary a "lying hag". Or where he called Janet Napolitano a "traitorous skank". Or the funny funny joke where he says if you find your ex all bloody and running around your yard screaming to just stay calm, reload, and try again. Haaaaaaaaa!

Joni Ernst said "I do" to a guy who thinks Janet Napolitano is actually hording ammunition to keep him from getting any so he can shoot down that Obama drone he just knows is up there. Joni Ernst said "I do" to a guy who posts nothing but misogynistic bullshit on that Facebook and has 3 daughters with him. How proud they all must be.

But hey, Joni Ernst is appalled by Gail Ernst's taste in humor. Riiiiiiiiiight. Appalled he got caught. Because Joni Ernst is also one of those Agenda 21 crazy people who thinks the United Nations is coming to getcha and move ya to a big city where they can keep an eye on ya. Sorry I went all Sarah Palin there but when you talk about Agenda 21 nuts its only natural to go stupid.

I have no idea if Joni Ernst and her woman hating burrheaded double dipping husband will win in Iowa. Like I said, Iowans are a sane people. But the insane people are so convinced that the black guy in their White House is going to boil them in a pot and eat them or something they do vote. Oh how they vote. Small percentage equals nuts like Joni Ernst getting into office.

Please vote in November. Or Gail Ernst may just reload and try again.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Who's Your A-Hole? We're Your A-Hole!

At what point did we become a nation of assholes? Was it about the time that the conservatives lost their precious Reagan to term limits and dementia? Was it when the internet comment section was invented? Was it when Fox News debuted? Was it when a bunch of slave owners said all men are created equal?

This last two weeks has been such an exercise in American Assholery it's really hard to know why anybody in the world doesn't sit at home watching 9/11 videos and laugh hysterically.

Rick Perry. Rick Perry is riding out his term governing America's asshole, Texas. Rick Perry (who doesnt refer to Rick Perry as Rick Perry no matter what?) is running for President in 2016. Ya know how I know? Cuz he wears fake glasses now so he can look all book learned and won't say oops anymore when he's asked to count to 3. Besides, he's a Texan. Everybody in Texas is an asshole except maybe the pussies from Austin, and they all want to be President of the country they hate.

Rick Perry went out to that haven of fabulousness, San Francisco, to talk to the Commonwealth Club, who I assume likes to invite all IQ's to make its speaker list diverse. Rick Perry disappointed nobody by answering a loaded question about medical disorders by belting out a " I may have the genetic coding that I'm inclined to be an alcoholic, but I have the desire to not do that, and I look at the homosexual issue the same way". OK Rick Perry. Thanks for admitting it finally. I knew that fucking lamebrain was hiding something. Christ, at least he has gotten to the genetic thing and away from that Bible bullshit.

The two assholes in Las Vegas. Nameless Cliven Bundy supporters. The people who have made the Gadsden Flag the symbol it's been to me ever since I saw that tri corn hatted drunk waving it a a Tea Party Rally 5 years ago. The same as the swastika. Or the Confederate Flag.

The assholes who have threatened the life of the Dad of a kid who was held for five years by another group of assholes, the Taliban. What the fuck is the matter with you people? Do you do everything the assholes at Fox News tell you to do?

And now The World Cup. We believe that we can win? Really? Only in the USA do people think the USA has a chance to win the World Cup. You do realize the World Cup is soccer, right? It's not even hockey, which we suck at too. It's soccer. Only an American asshole would even pretend something so absurd. It's just about as improbable as an asshole House Majority Leader losing a Republican primary to an even bigger asshole named after a sausage.

Impossible, right?

And oh yeah, stop being assholes.