Saturday, December 29, 2012

Good Morgan!

Hey sometimes you just have to choose a side. You may be repelled by an arrogant English phone hacker like Piers Morgan and then he gets attacked by a mob of IQ-less gun fondlers for calling an unbelievably stupid man named Larry Pratt "an unbelievably stupid man". Pratt is the head of some scam organization named the Gun Owners of America thus proving Piers' point.

Sorry unbelievably stupid men and women, I take Piers' side. Seems the incredibly stupid faction of the Child Massacre Advocates have started a petition, another stupid one I might add, to that White House website, you know, the one where my dreams of Southern secession can come true, to deport Piers Morgan because he has the scones to stand up to the gun nuts of America. They love the Second Amendment so goddamned much they are perfectly willing to throw out the First Amendment when somebody gets through their ear plugging nyah nyah nyah act.

The petition states :

"British Citizen and CNN television host Piers Morgan is engaged in a hostile attack against the U.S. Constitution by targeting the Second Amendment. We demand that Mr. Morgan be deported immediately for his effort to undermine the Bill of Rights and for exploiting his position as a national network television host to stage attacks against the rights of American citizens."

Yep, that's it. And so far over 90,000 moonshiners have signed it. Of course as Piers states in his all so wonderful tiger poking twitter responses, that leaves about 310,910,000 folks who want him to stay. I know the math is really hard for mass murder enthusiasts, but that's a lot!

Oh wait, that petition was started in Texas. Aren't you rootin tootin traitors gone yet?

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Merry Holiday!

Merry Christmas everybody! Maybe we can stop with the killing and shooting for a day or so.

Tomorrow it's back to work. Or in the case of us Obama voters, back to taking from the makers. Yeah, I'll be up at 5 AM I can drive over the ice and snow and go take from the makers.

So have a good day, drink so you can tolerate the relatives, pop in Bad Santa, and get ready for New Years Eve! And oh yeah, praise Jebus!

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Santa And Captain McClusky!

Ah let's all calm down. It's Christmas time and despite the Child Massacre advocates attempt to screw it all up for the rest of us, let's deny them that pleasure. Ignore the death threats and bizarre justifications for child murder and let's all enjoy ourselves with the traffic and the bumping and the shoving and the family meltdowns this fine holiday season.

Just pop a Haldol, start drinking, and put on that wonderful Christmas movie you all love. In my case it's The Godfather. Nothing gets me more choked up than when Michael and Kate come out of a cheery decorated Christmasee Macy's right before he finds out the Don has been gunned down because Fredo is all Three Stooges in one. And oh yeah, I begin weeping when Mike goes to the hospital to see his poor father and sees the Charlie Brown Christmas tree in the hallway right before Captain McClusky cracks him in the jaw.

Let's all have a "Merry Christmas" or for you atheistic or non Jesus hell goers, "Happy Holidays". I prefer to hear "I've frisked a thousand young punks". Gets me every time!

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Lawrence O'Donnell Better Get Bodyguards!

I beg you to watch this man rip apart Wayne LaPierre! He is the gutsiest man on TV. And he better protect himself from the very nuts he deplores. My hat if off to you, Mr. O'Donnell and I don't take my hat off very often. Thanks, man for saying it!

Friday, December 21, 2012

Wayne La Pepe' Le Pew Speaks!

Holy shit! What the hell was THAT??? After a week of thinking it over, Wayne "Needle Dick" LaPierre holds a presser to address the murder of 26 people, 20 of whom were 6 or 7 years old, and he came up with this? What the fuck would he have said had he not had a week to come up with an intelligent response? Something like that idiot who said the 6 years olds should have bum rushed the shooter and nipped at his ankles till he fell over? Or better yet, what he spewed forth today.

LaPierre babbled on like the kind of guy he is. A well paid wingnut who doesn't possible believe anything he vomited all over the American people. "The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun" Really, numbnuts? You mean like when John Hinkley shot President Reagan and Jim Brady? Or hey, when Kennedy got blow away or yeah when George Wallace got gunned down, or Bobby Kennedy or on and on and on. Those assassins were fuckin surrounded by "good guys with guns". Didn't work, Wayne!

Armed guards in EVERY school? Really, Elmer Fudd? Your tea party cost cutters might not want to pay for that.

The media reports on it, bad? The video games are violent, bad? The movies are too carnage-like, bad (except for that cool Red Dawn blockbuster Wayne masturbates to). It's everybody's fault except the poor National Assault Rifle Association. The anti gun sane people are crazy, not the moon howlers who run the National Child Massacre Association. Yeah yeah, they are all rational human beings. All 4.3 million of them. They just want to shoot animals, shoot targets with Obama's picture on them for fun, and maybe now and then blast the shit out of a church full of liberals. What's the big deal?

No, I am so happy Wayne the Whiner came out and said EXACTLY what he said today.It was just brilliant! Wayne, I didn't think you could have taken your rat hole organization any deeper into the sewer , but goddammit, you did it! Way to go! Now everybody hates you and your Nugent listening moonshiners.

Now all sane NRA members, and there have to be about 4.2 million of those will resign on the spot from this insane organization. At least you would think so. I mean after all, I resigned from Acorn right after I illegally voted 16,000 times last November because they were so insane. Well, I will, if I ever find where the fucking office is.

In conclusion, and in all seriousness, I applaud you. Mr. Pepe Le Pierre. You just committed suicide on national TV and nobody got hurt.R._Budd_Dwyer would be so proud.

Plan B From Outer Space!

What the hell??? John Boner's Plan B to avoid all this fiscal cliff nonsense failed to gather enough Republican vote promises because that poor .19% of the Americans that give and give and give so the rest of us can live paycheck to paycheck would have lost some money they never use anyway? Migawd, that Obama really mucked that up, didn't he?

Hey Plan B was gold! Millionaires would see their tax rates skyrocket from 35 to 39% on all that hard earned money they pull in once they hit that magic million mark. Take that Mitt! You blew a slam dunk thanks to illegals and Acorn! You deserve to get your tax rates raised. Switzerland is on Line 1. Capital gains long term (I have absolutely no idea what that means, thus proving I'm a peasant)over the magic million would rise from 15 to 20%. Good heavens! How much more can we expect that .19% to pay? There, the fiscal cliff is solved, right? Geese lay golden eggs again, Mitch McConnell pokes his head out of the walk in closet again, and The United States is numero uno once again, right?

Huh? Only 60% of the revenue needed is raised that way? Well where the fuck does Plan B get the rest of it then? Yacht tax? Private plane tax? Car elevator tax? Bentley tax?

Boner. please! Remember that "failed stimulus" you kept hearing about in all those Karl Rove/Koch Brothers (hee hee I still giggle at how much $$ they lost) ads that told the "truth" about our Muslim socialist football interrupting President? A lot of that "failed stimulus" (which cost you either 800 million or 1.2 trillion depending on how big of a fucking liar the Republican candidate was) was tax breaks for us losers. The payroll tax cut for Socialism Security . Tax credits for snobby college tuition . Tax credits for low income folks who irresponsibly breed like rats and have kids . Lower increases for those mooching old people for inflation. Bah!

Hey all of that goes bye bye under Boners Plan B! You know what happens then. YOU and I pay it. Say goodbye to 3 grand or so. You know, Mitt Romney's daily egg nog budget. And not only that, Plan B, while raising taxes on Mr.Burns, preserves all those other tax breaks on that tip money income below a million resulting in an average tax cut of 108 thousand dollars for the .19%. Yeah baby! Plan B? More like Plan G for Grift.

But it went bye bye last night because the Boner couldn't even find enough Republicans to vote for it. Not because of the unfairness and bullshitness of the whole scam, but because tea party nuts still in Congress thought $108 thousand wasnt enough of a cut for their donors and $3 thousand more on the unwashed wasn't enough of a raise. Why are these id-jiots still there?

So it's dead. Plan B ,not the Boner (though he is on life support). Expect even bigger scams to come forth in the coming days. Me? I am all buckled in to go over the fucking cliff. It'll be a rough landing. But to know I'm spending a temporary 3 grand or so to kill off the Republican party will be worth it. And when the Congressional Democrats introduce a plan to restore the tax cuts for us peasants, I want to see how many of those gutless Republican pricks actually vote no. Oh, going off a cliff can be so fun. Like the roller coaster it scares the shit out of you at first, but then its over and you realize you want to do it again. In this case, going off the
cliff could result in not only a cheap thrill, but the end of a political party full of soulless Ayn Randian assholes.

Buckle up for safety!

Friday, December 14, 2012

It's All Bob Costas Fault!

Too soon? I mean its never too fucking soon anymore since every two days some crazy lunatic exercises his 2nd Amendment rights and whacks a bunch of innocents because his life doesn't resemble the Kardashians or something. But today. TODAY! A whole lot of 5 year olds were massacred by a hell dwelling maniac with a fucking gun. Yeah, there are other consistents to these mall shooters, these domestic violence enthusiasts, these political assassins, these movie theater bitters, and these school killers. Yeah they are all mentally ill and walking the streets thanks to Saint Ronnie. But they all also have guns. Guns they bought legally from some profiteering asshole who once he fondles the cash, doesn't give jack shit about what the shaved headed cross eyed oddball who bought 4 guns and 10,000 rounds of ammo does with his new toy.

20 children. 20 little children are dead. Little children who went to kindergarten this morning to hang with their new friends, learn some stuff and then get killed because this nation doesn't have the balls to tell the NRA to go fuck itself and put the same restrictions on guns they do on driving a car, the other weapon the NRA tells you is so dangerous.

I am so angry right now I can say this with gusto. Yeah, I wish Obama had the nuts to come take your guns away. I know it's not going to happen but I have a dream. I hate guns. I used to own one. I got rid of it. Firing a gun gave me no thrill. I didn't pop a chubby when it went off. In fact I was appalled by it. That's not to say if you get a stiffy from firing guns and pretending you're going to stop a madman is wrong. It's just silly. And it identifies a deep seeded hatred of anything alive. Sorry, but Dr. Max's Dad has spoken.

There are people all over this nation who fired guns and actually did stop madmen, whether in the Pacific, or Europe, or Korea, or Vietnam, or Iraq or Afghanistan. And a lot of them are all fucked up now. That's what happens when you get to fire your gun a lot. And of course somebody shoots back. You don't like it.

So stop the paranoia gun nutz. Nobody will do shit. Massacres will continue. Obama will still be President. And you will buy more and more guns praying you can play Charles Bronson someday.

I abhor the violence. I abhor the NRA. I abhor mentally ill maniacs walking the streets with no shot at getting help. And I abhor those who buy more guns today.
In fact I abhor guns so much, the first person who makes the inevitable "well if those kids had been armed, this wouldn't have happened" statement, I'm gonna shoot them.

With a lot of VERY LOUD words of course.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Is That A Thug Or A Goon?

Yep all together now. What's the word that comes after the word "union"? That's right, "thug" and /or "goon". Fox News has video end everything of union "thugs" and union "goons" beating up Steven Crowder, Fox News contributor and alleged comedian. Crowder, who hasn't ever in history said anything that remotely resembles "comedy", was punched repeatedly in a heavily edited video by both "thugs" and "goons" and maybe even a "boss" or two. For what? Oh I dont know, he was just standing around being all patriotic and shit and some guy just punched him for no reason. Anyway, that's where the video starts, some guy just clocking Chowder for no reason at all. I'm sure Steve was just reciting the Pledge of Allegiance or something and made that union thugs brain short circuit because its been so soaked with Obama socialist commie propaganda that he couldn't react any other way except to punch that fine American "comedian".

So now we, and by we, I mean the 65 to dead year olds who watch Fox News can get their bloomers all in a knot and holler "seeeeee I told you them unions were all a bunch of bums and freeloaders" right after they get off their Medicare provided scooter. Sean Hannity will STILL be showing the fucking edited video in 2020 when Hillary Clinton is running for a second term. Right after he shows the Black Panthers from 2008 that is.

Steven Crowder, comedian, known for such gut busting comedy as dressing in a bear suit and stealing children's Halloween candy just to be a dick. You know, like Obama is a dick for trying to tax the job creators. Such irony. That man is brilliant. I'm sure he has created a battalion of 6 year old Republican zombies who already are glued to The Five instead of Spongebob. More like "hey Johnny, remember when that douchnozzle from Fox News took our candy? Yeah I wished I'd have been the one to jack him in the face"

Karma, Stevie. Karma!

Monday, December 10, 2012

Now I Know Zeppelins True Meaning Of Black Dog!

Oh its that time of year when we get cards from all of our friends pretending that they really aren't in full schadenfreude mode wishing the coming year is as bad as theirs will probably be. Hey, the White House, still occupied by a muslim socialist foreigner who stole the election from Lord Mittens of Boxingfanville by using a non existent organization called Acorn, sent out their card also. And Fox News is out-foxing-raged at the non mention of the birth of Jesus (the lord not the gardener) in the card. Goddamnit, they even rubbed in our faces by sticking a black dog on the front of the card and we know what those muslim kenyans think of dogs? The nerve!!!

Why this is the most insulting card since George W Bush put that giant phallic thing on the front of the 2008 card (probably urged on by First lady-elect Moochelle)and in effect told the nation to suck his crank before he left office with that kick ass economy Nobama screwed up so bad.

Yeah Fox News, you are the only link to true Americans we have any longer. Excuse me while I weep for America.

There, a nice shot of good old American owned Budweiser got me back on course. Keep up the good work, Fox News looking out for traditional America. Hey, tomorrow tell us something else we can gnash our dentures over. Hey, a little tip. I heard that black dog's name is Bo! Short for Bo-ys marrying Bo-ys!

Monday, December 3, 2012

Putting Things In Perspective!

Want stuff to be in perspective again? Like Bob Costas I cannot stand the following phrases...."that really puts things in perspective" and...."He/She died doing what they loved". Bullshit. If things aren't already in perspective for you, you're lost. And nobody dies doing what they loved because nobody loves plunging in a plane to the ground or smashing into tree while skiing or smashing into the ground after your parachute fails to open. Please stop!

The children pictured above are Isaiah Casillas and his buddy Jack Hoffman. Both boys have cancer, brain cancer to be exact. Rex Burkhead, a running back for the University of Nebraska, has befriended Jack and that 22 jersey is Jack's pride and joy as it came from Rex himself, his hero.

Last September, Jack got lead the Husker team onto the field before the first Wisconsin game and wanted his buddy Isaiah to help him out. Rex Burkhead led 7 year old Jack onto the field and receiver Quincy Enunwa led Isaiah out onto the field. They had a ball, and it "really put things in perspective" to see this scene.

Isaiah died over the weekend. He was 6 years old.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

No Spin Moan!

Sweet Jesus I Hate Bill O'Reilly! That was a great book and also pretty much sums up how I feel about the bloviating jack off who charms 75 year old cranks who can't reach the remote on a nightly basis.

O'Reilly has once again begun his annual woe is me War on Christmas month. It began with his yakking with another bloviating jack off atheist and moved on with a waste of time interview with the Governor of Rhode Island. All the while Mr.Do It Live hammers home his point that poor christians are getting the shaft, quite a change from his normal shafting of his employees.

O'Reilly is a bully. A former junior high school history teacher who claims his students loved him because he was "tough but fair". Yeah right, Mr. Fuckin Shit Sucks. They hated you. Every last one of them. He reminds me of every star fucker wannabe who can't get into the cool club so he gasbags his disdain of said cool club. If Clooney or Natalie Maines or Springsteen, all people Billo has hammered, ever invited O'Reilly to an event, the skid marks would be on fire in the Fox Studio from his road runnering his way outta there. Beep Beep!

So get used to it. Or better yet, do like me, and ignore this serial sex creep for the next 20 years or so.

Oh yeah but one more thing before I Etch a Sketch Billo off my radar screen. It was interesting to note that Mr. I Don't Know What That Means considers christianity a "philosophy" not a religion and Jesus a "man". Jesus H Christ Bill! That's a huge step for a fucking buffet catholic like yourself. Now if only the government would consider christianity a "philosophy" and Jesus a "man" like L Ron Hubbard or Joe Smith or "Reverend" Moon and tax the living shit out of it! Fiscal cliff "nightmare" solved!

Thanks Bill!