Monday, April 28, 2014

Somebody Puncture My Eardrums, Please?

A screeching barn owl spoke to the geniuses attending the National Rifle Asshat convention over the weekend. This screeching barn owl , aka The Quitta from Wasilla, got the really stupid, "stupid on steroids" is how she put it, to raise to their feet and cheer when she said that sticking a person's face underwater and damn near drowning them was "baptizing" them. Goddamn, Sarah Barn Owl, what would your precious Jesus say to that? John the Waterboarder might be a bit pissed too.

This woman, who is running around the country endorsing candidates her special pollsters have told her would win, cuz ya know a barn owl is very wise and is never wrong, pops up on political commercials and proceeds to make people bang on their TV's as they wonder what the fuck that loud obnoxious sound is?

Back to NRA speech. I always thought baptism was the cleansing of man's original sin. You know, that thing where naked blonde Adam was set up by that bitch, blonde naked Eve and that talking snake. If I remember my Catholic brainwashing correctly, that's the first of way too many sacraments, some of which you never ever want to get. Like the Last Rites or that whole stupid Confirmation deal.

Sarah Palin took a giant dump on Christianity. Yet, most of her gun totin hilljack crowd were too fucking stupid to see it. If this grifter can pull off a blasphemous comparison of baptism and torture and get wild applause I guess this shows just how incredibly dumb her audience is.

Wow, just a few years back, she was braggin and gloatin about her own baptism, in which a different Alaska Charlatan stuck her face in Lake Alaska and how her life was all hopey and changey. Now she's jokin and kiddin about torturin those Mooslims with the same sacrament that changed her life?

Goddammit thanks again, John McCain for unleashing this fury on us back in 2008. You should be proud. After the torture you endured in Hanoi for years, why would you torture the rest of us with that screaming hawk?

I guess the only good thing about this Sarah Palin thingy is she's getting older and will soon be killing conservative boners in favor of a different screeching eagle from South Dakota. Or for you Donald Sterling conservatives who hate the blacks during the day but like em at night there's always the Utah Aunt Tom.

Anyway, enjoy the Sarah Palin stiffy while you can, cuz if you look closely this is getting closer and closer.

Friday, April 25, 2014

Crier In The Hole!

Wow and I thought the idiots running around here were bad. All every Nebraska Republican dimwit wants to do is knock Obama's a block off and cut taxes and rape Nancy Pelosi.

But to fire on Fort Kenya with a cannon. This guy is awesome.

And oh yeah by the way, Stoney, your forefathers attempted to overthrow the duly elected government of the United States and keep an entire race of people enslaved with that cannon. The British were long gone by then. And in a sidenote that Mister Rockhead may not bother to know, his forefathers lost Savannah and also lost in 1865. So that fucking cannon is pretty meaningless.

Good Luck to Mister Stoned. Not only in his election but in his attempt to roll that cannon into his church, tavern or onto his campaign plane..

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Have Popgun Will Travel!

Ok ok, despite all the Sean Hannity dumbness, the Fox News and the right wing media's itching for a massacre coverage, that deadbeat liar Ted Bundy or Cliven Bundy or whatever the fuck his name is, did not go down in a blaze of glory this past week. Not because of a bunch of jobless losers with guns but because the very federal government that fucksticks like Bundy refuse to recognize backed off. Oh sorry, racist shitheels, you didn't get your Waco. Ah shit!

I haven't seen this many losers in one place since I last went to Wrigley Field to watch an unarmed baseball team. I mean this garbage is so nonsensical and so based upon a bunch of white trash with way too much time on their hands it doesn't even warrant coverage. But the Fox News Channel, in its never ending coverage of the oppressed white male, has turned what amounts to a deadbeat into a hero. Can you imagine if a group of SNAP recipients stole food stamps or bought lobsters with said food stamps? Heroes, all!!!...uhh no.....

Christ, this Bundy Ranch bunch is something else. From a brilliant strategy of sticking the militia womenfolk in front to be mowed down by gubmint thugs, to actually turning Glenn Beck into a voice of reason, this crowd of cowboy hatted flunkees has really picked a winner to stand up to the Kenyan Muslim Commie Hussein once and for all.

Cliven Bundy has been mooching off the federal government for 20 years. He is 67 years old and thus I assume he is on Medicare, Social Security and judging from his ample belly eats well. Funny how he and his band of horse riding pretend cowboys hate the federal government but ride around waving that flag all the goddamned time. The utter child like playtime bullshit of these grown adults baffles me. I know they hate the black guy in the White House and actually have convinced themselves that because they carry around a rifle being all 2nd Amendmenty they have backed down the evil power of the feds.

Oh you kids. You and your rifles couldn't stop a Mormon missionary in his tracks. You aint that tough. One drone from the Mooslim Pretend President Drone King and you go boom. I am certainly not advocating that. No not at all!!!

Saturday, April 12, 2014

War Horse!

We don't get many dramatic plays from the Broadway Across America Series around here. They tend to all be musicals, but War Horse galloped into town this week and we went.

The Spielberg movie didn't do much for me at the time. It was all right, but there was just something missing.

I get it now, it was the thrill of live theater that was missing.

War Horse is the story of Joey, a horse that belonged to a young man in pre-World War I Britain. Joey grows up, gets sold by a drunken father, drafted into the British Army, charges machine guns in No Man's Land, gets taken by the Germans and eventually caught up in barbed wire where English and German soldiers come together to help free him. Does he end up back in his original owner's arms? You betcha.

The story is predictable, but to see puppeteers make Joey move and run and whinny and do all the things horses do is truly remarkable. I swear within 2 minutes of seeing the young foal, Joey, I had forgotten the fact there were three very visible actors onstage making him wag his tail, shy away and walk around. It is amazing to watch.

If this tremendous production gets in your neck of the woods, charge down the stretch and go.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Paul Ryan? Is He Still Around?

Paul Ryan, wunderkind! This Twerp's the "brains" behind the Republican Party? Really?

Ryan's deader than Ronald Reagan budget passed the House of Reprehensibles today by a 219-205 vote. Of course, this is all for show, and to give a handjob to the egomaniac that is Paul Ryan, because this budget wouldn't pass if Ayn Rand came back to life and used her Social Security money to whack every Democrat in Congress. Paul Ryan is a fraud. But let's say the Munster budget did become reality. What would happen?

No more health care for the poor, no more student loans, no more food stamps, no more Obamacare, no more Medicare, no more education, and of course the Pentagon gets even more money to buy tanks and planes and shit. And oh yeah, taxes get cut for corporations and for the Koch Brothers. This Ryan kid is a up and comer, I tell ya David Koch, now put your dick back in Eric Cantor's mouth.

If any Democrat doesn't pick this cheese football up and run with it, they deserve to lose. That's Paul Ryan's America, folks. Poor, fuck you. Sick, fuck you. Old, fuck you. Young, fuck you. Hungry, fuck you. Stupid, come vote for us.

Paul Ryan is everything Joe Biden scoffed at in 2012. A poser.

And oh yeah. Ryan, fuck you. Signed Pope Francis.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

0 Dead!

Hey Nate, good for you. You got shot in the latest school massacre by some nut with a gun and you want everybody to know you survived that gunshot to your arm. Shit, what was it, a grazing wound? You must have run like hell ducking and dodging bullets all the way outside. Then I assume the killer shot himself and it ended with what, about 20 dead kids?

Whaaaaat? A knife? What is this, China??? You mean to tell me some 16 year old started stabbing people and nailed 20 of them before I assume stabbing himself. No? He was caught? Nobody died? I'm sorry, Larry Pratt, have you crawled out from your panic room yet? You must be so unhappy that nobody died. Hey, Dan Zimmerman, you must be crushed that everybody will recover.

The only solution to this new problem is to arm every teacher with not only a big sidearm, but a big knife also because of course the only solution to a bad guy with a knife is a good guy with a knife and a gun and a flamethrower.

It's all the same folks. Knives, Guns, whats the difference? Oh I don't know.

Sandy Hook--- 26 dead

Murraysville- 0 dead

Yeah whats the difference?

Well, young Nate for one. Nate pulled the fire alarm and started the evacuation, hollering to kids to run like hell.

He's a good guy with no gun. Not a pussy with no gun, Larry Pratt.

Monday, April 7, 2014

Noah Part Deux!

We went to see Noah on Sunday morning, just as promised and of course attendance was sparse because everyone was busy listening to spiritual guidance from a charlatan as opposed to us, watching another Hollywood Leftist propaganda film.

All I can say is damnnnnnnn. My Bible study took a wrong turn somewhere around 1st Grade when Sister Mary Thomas rattled off the story of Noah and the Ark in between the Catholic sado-masochism. Shit,if she'd have thrown in Rock Monsters and a fertile, suddenly horny Hermione Granger, who knows how many of us would still be lighting candles and sniffing incense on Sunday mornings.

In the latest interpretation of the Noah story, directed by Darren Aronofsky (so you know its gonna be weird), Noah, played by Russell Crowe, not Joakim as I'd hoped, eats no meat, picks no flowers, hates mankind and has crazy dreams. In other words, he's 90% me.

Noah, with his dirty fingered wife, and his 3 sons wanders around until they come upon a poor little girl whom they adopt while running away from bad guys. Then a few years later, Noah has shaved his hair off and buffed up and after being roofied by Hannibal Lechter he has a whacko dream about drowning and concludes uh oh, "the Creator" is pissed and he has to build a giant boat with the help of a bunch of charcoal briquets that sound a lot like Nick Nolte.

Then two of every animal wanders onboard including two cute Corgis I am sure. Noah and the gang roofie all of them so nobody gets eaten and the bad guys try to take the boat. They fail and all die except for the main bad guy who growls a lot and corrupts Noah's kid Ham. Meanwhile, pre marital sex has led to Emma Watson getting all pregnant with Noah's other son's, Shemp or Curly Joe, I'm not sure, kid. This really ticks Noah off and he threatens to kill the baby if it's a girl cuz no more sluts on his damn boat.

The bad guy gets killed, and Noah gets all soft when he sees his two cute little granddaughters and kisses them instead of aborting them with a knife. See, Christians, Hollywood didn't abort the fake babies after all.

The dove shows up. The boat runs aground. Ham takes off cuz he's mad Noah didn't save the chick he fell in love with after 30 seconds of gazing at her. Noah gets hammered. Emma convinces drunk Noah he's a good guy and everyone lives happily ever after.

Horrific!! The Christians, you know, the ones so unsure of their own faith they get angry at logic, are hammering message boards with one star reviews to take this movie out. The Muslims, you know, the wacky ones so unsure of their faith that they kill you when you get logical, have simply banned the movie.

Now I'd love to say Bravo Bravo, this is a ten star flick so eat me, Glenn Beck. But I cannot.

When the human beings are speaking it's a very good movie. Russell Crowe, Jennifer Connelly, Anthony Hopkins, Emma Watson and Ray Winstone are great. But those fuckin Rock Monsters or Transformers or whatever they were were just too much. So I'm not getting down in the flood muck with the religious kooks, but I will say it's 80% a good movie.

And the myth that two Corgis came down the hill to get on Noah's Ark? Good enough to me for a thumbs up!

Saturday, April 5, 2014


Sorry but I gotta go local here for a bit.

Years ago in college when assigned a semester of covering the Nebraska Legislature for the campus newspaper, I had to sit on the floor of this esteemed place and witness the carnage of lawmaking. Back in the 70's, oh yeah, there were plenty of dipshits and rubes shuffling around the legislative chamber but there was also a certain vibe of progressive thought going on among most of the Omaha and Lincoln legislators. It was the 1970's after all. There were urban people trying desperately to drag the state into at least the 1950's. They mostly failed but hey they tried. Fuck, not anymore.

The Nebraska Legislature is unique. There is one house of 49 "Senators". There's no House just what is called a "Unicameral". One house. 49 people. That's it. Sounds good, right? None of that dumb Kansas House of Representatives shit to wallow through. None of that South Dakota garbage to be embarrassed by. Wrong.

This week, the Nebraska Legislature took up a bill that would ban employers of more than 15 people from canning people for who they are. It would bar Joe Aguirre down at the corporate farm from canning Ennis and Jack cuz they like to go fishing together and maybe fool around in the tent cuz of being gay and in love or whatever.

The numbers are there to pass this bill. But legislative Jesus lovers aren't going for that shit. Not so fast there, Mango.

Beau McCoy, a born again Baptist shitheel and candidate for Governor and Mark Christensen, a gun fondler and genuine dumbfuck began filibustering because of certain political erections they get when addressing dumb people.. Christensen, and again I cannot emphasize how stupid this Imperial Idiot is, cited "proof" that because one identical twin can be straight and the other is gay proves that being all swishy is not genetic but a choice. Yeah see, cuz if it was then both would be gay cuz of DNA and stuff.

McCoy on the other hand is just an opportunistic jackoff. Running for Governor is tough here in Jesus-aska. Which numbnut can be more "conservative"? It's a race to the Capitol Building for Beau McCoy. Is it ironic that McCoy and the rest of these candidates want to get an office in a building that looks like a giant dick?

Anyway, the gay rights bill is stalled because these two closet cases are so deadset against people being who they are. When Senator Annette Dubas cited her own gay brother leaving the state because he did not feel welcome in the state he grew up in, McCoy, who apparently knows her brother better than she does, said he probably left because of high taxes. Right Beau, and because of dickheads like you.

The amazing thing about this whole blah blah blah debating bullshit is the shift in the bigoted thinking. No longer content with the "homos are immoral" and "it says right here in my Bible" nonsense, it has suddenly become the "some of my best friends are queers, I mean gay" argument. Hey, I don't have anything against the gays, it's just that the poor oppressed Christians are the ones who will be victims here. And we cannot have discrimination against anyone in this state, except of course for the homos, who ARE REALLY THE ONES WHO ARE INTOLERANT. Hate hate hateful homos. Get back in the closet and I'll sneak in there later. Wink Wink.

To listen to this "debate" is painful and me, being a fucking masochist, can't stop watching. It makes me reflect back to my days of observing these people in the 70's. Back when they tried to eliminate the death penalty, decriminalized weed possession, passed bills to preserve public power, and attempted to use the wind and the sun to power the state. Back when there were people who realized that time moves on, and that an 1800 year old book of fairy tales is just that. 1800 years old and complete bullshit.

Nowadays, these backtrackers are all over the place. Trying to take society back to when the white men ruled, the minorities all shut up and took it, the womenfolk stayed put and had babies, and most of all, the closet was closed and gays all acted like Rock Fucking Hudson and Joan Fucking Crawford.

I know these idiots don't believe in evolution. But for chrissakes, don't believe in de-volution. The rest of us want to move on.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Hot Dog!

Y'all know the story of Hank The Dog the homeless lil guy who the Milwaukee Brewers adopted in spring training.

Nope, Hank the Dog did not bite The Italian Sausage right in the Italian sausage. That's an April Fools Joke.

I wish two things were true about that picture.

1) That Hank had bitten that creepy Polish Sausage burglar right in the knockwurst


2) He had bitten that cheat Ryan Braun right in his tiny PED infested testicles.

Good Hank. You're still a good boy.


The reaction of the Supreme Court to 2012's horrific decision of the American public to re-elect that African spy to the White House AFTER they'd greased the skids with the Citizen's United decision must have been just devastating to them. Well suh, if Sheldon Adelson's millions and the Koch Brothers millions backdoored via Super Duper PACS wasn't good enough to put Mittens Von Romney into the Oval Office well we must do more to get those skids even greasier.

Bring us Sean McCutcheon bailiff. Sean McCutcheon is an Alabaman. A rich Alabaman. Probably misses the good old days when old Colonel Cyrus McCutcheon owned guys like Clarence Thomas and Doc Ben Carson. Sean wasn't allowed to give the I'm more patriotic than you amount of $1776 to 27 neanderthal Congressional candidates because that was more than the $46,200 he could legally bribe, errrr, contribute to the geniuses he supported. So, with the help of the Republican National Committee, he sued the Federal Election Commission so he could give even more $1776's to his faves.

Today, the 5 conservative dicks who inhabit the Supreme Court did their duty and made it even easier for the coming plutocracy to thrive. Along with the states limiting the poors and the blacks and the Mexicans from even casting a vote, the dream of our Founding Fathers is getting closer. White male property owners and their not sluts wives voting and only them voting. Just like the Founding Fathers wanted.

So now, McCutcheon can send all the brain deads he wants $1776. Elena Kagan, one of those three liberal tramps on the Court, did her math and wrote that now, a rich dude could theoretically send $3.5 million to one party by contributing to each and every candidate, though it's hard to believe anybody would be reckless enough with their job creator money to give Rep Steve King (BigCalfophobe-Ia) one red cent.

But John Roberts , the smug Chief Justice, was so worried about Sean McCutcheon's freedom of speech that he joined up with the bad guys again and wrote the 5-4 decision. Christ, Clarence Thomas even awoke from his diabetic coma to say if it was up to him, he'd remove any limit on contributions and just put the White House and Congress up for sale because of his love for freedom, and fried foods.

Nice going, Supremes. Finally, the oppressed 1% will have its rights restored that Barry Hussein has taken away by actually winning two times.

It's getting closer and closer to what Dennis told us was coming.