Thursday, July 30, 2009

Bad Dog!

Back in 1976, after voting in my first presidential election for the winner, Jimmy Carter, I was ecstatic that Carter was in and the Democrats controlled Congress. Of course, it turned out to be a big battle on whose ego was bigger. The result was Ronald Reagan. Back in 1992, when Bill Clinton won, I had the same hopes. The result was Newt Gingrich. Now once again, having learned nothing from history, I expect the super-majority the Democrats hold to mean something. So far, I'm being crushed again.

These so-called blue dog Democrats, really nothing more than whores bought off by corporate lobbyists and threatened by nuts with e-mail machines, need to be slapped back into line. I really don't give a damn about the political consequences these cowards think await them if they fall into line. The fact remains these cheap hacks got elected by people like me, funded by Democrats, and were told to do something. Now, goddamnit, Harry Reid, grow a pair like Nancy Pelosi has, and whip these jackoffs into line. If they don't fall into line, make the political consequences WORSE than they ever imagined. Cut them off at the knees, take their committee assignments away, and kick them in the ass. Jesus, how did Harry Reid get into the position of Senate Majority Leader without being a ruthless prick?

Oh and you, Barack Obama, you better get on the ball too. Sitting around drinking beer with a thin-skinned cop and two loudmouths may be a blast, but it really doesn't mean squat.You have the stage and you seem to be not willing to project. You need to call Ben Nelson (D?-Ne) and the rest of the blue dogs into your office and snap 'em on the nose with rolled-up newspaper. They are pissing on your legacy, Mr. President. Housebreak them, NOW!

Monday, July 27, 2009

Another SP Takes Over The Fugitive State!

That's Governor Sean Parnell of Alaska taking the oath of office because some other SP said no mas to the massive responsibilities of governing a huge chunk of ice. Parnell has the seal of approval from conservative she-he Ann Coulter so the state full of disturbed loners will see no difference in the hypocrisy of rejecting the iron boot of the federal government while cashing in their annual welfare checks.

Oh it won't be the same. No more winks and English butchering such as "american apologetics". No more paranoia and inability to interpret a joke. No more speeches about Hollywood starlets coming to take guns away from the at-large perps that live in Alaska. Oh, Bible Spice, come south the lower 48 where the rest of us live. Please. Stay in the spotlight, Ms.Mooselini, and keep on appealing to your dim fans. When you begin traveling, Winky McWink, what will Todd do? Can he get away from his job?

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Rosetta Stone For "Morans"!

When guys like the above "moran" spouts off the latest thing he heard from the AM radio, do they really know what they're saying? Do they understand? I think not. Lets translate what certain talking points really mean:

1) "We have the best health care system in the world"
Hey, I'm covered. I have no worries. My doctor hands out the Viagra like its candy.

2) " I want my country back"
How did that colored guy get into office? White Power!

3) "What is it about the illegal in illegal alien don't you understand?"
So what if my Irish ancestors came here illegally? They were white, like all immigrants should be.

4) "If you haven't done anything wrong, what do you have to worry about?"
Everybody knows all criminals are black, Latino or Arab. I haven't been to a library in decades.

5) "We have to slow down on this health care reform"
If we delay long enough, lie enough, and run a lot of commercials, nothing happens, thus assuring me of my campaign money from the insurance industry.

6) "The elite media"
Those educated people who write stories that don't parrot what Rush says.

7) "The answer is tax cuts across the board"
as long as I'm holding the board

8) "It's Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve"
What does Steve look like?

9)" All Democrats do is tax and spend, Republicans cut spending"
I am a goddamned chimp

10) "Life begins at conception"
And my caring about life ends at birth

11) " Where's Obama's birth certificate?"
How did that colored guy get into office again?

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

The Biggest Austrian Celebrity Since Hitler?

I went to see Bruno late on Sunday night by myself because everybody I know has too much common sense to go with me. This movie may be the hardest (no pun intended) R rated movie I have ever seen. It makes Americans look like idiots. Some of it is obviously staged. Some of it is obviously not staged, unfortunately.

I loved Borat. It made me laugh like so few movies do. Borat's exposure of bigotry and hatred and ignorance was classic. Yet he made some of the unwilling actually look like good and decent people. Bruno makes people look like inbred morons.

There was some controversy about this movie as certain gay groups were worried the stereotypes put out there by Bruno would hurt the cause. GBLTQer, please. Nobody who goes to this film is going to think Bruno is a real person anyway. Your enemies are not at this movie, they are over at Transformers watching stuff explode. Anyone dumb enough to walk into this blind is like I said, dumb, and will walk out.

Oh and by the way, I loved Bruno. Sorry for my lack of taste.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

And That's The Way I Wish It Wasn't!

Walter Cronkite made me want to learn about the world. My parents watched him on a nightly basis because Dad insisted CBS was the only way to go and the other networks used a revolving door to pick their anchors.

Uncle Walter told me about JFK being murdered, taking off his glasses, biting his lower lip, opening his eyes wide to keep a tear from coming, looking at the clock and putting his glasses back on to get back to work. How can you watch that and not know exactly what he was going through? Cronkite looking into the camera and telling us the best we can hope for in Vietnam is a stalemate. The giddiness of the man "Hoo boy!" when his country landed a man on the moon. Calling out Richard Daley and his "buncha thugs" when they beat Dan Rather at the 1968 Democratic Convention. Informing us of the death of Martin Luther King Jr. The death of Bobby Kennedy. The Iran hostage crisis. Gas shortages. Three Mile Island. Whatever it was, Walter Cronkite told me about it. I listened like I listened to nobody else.

The right wing, who never forgave CBS for calling a crook a crook back in Nixon's years, are probably posting their glee on other sites. But seriously, the man was a legend to everyone but the truly nasty. The right also needs to acknowledge the fact that their nemesis, Walter Cronkite, was a major reason their hero, Ronald Reagan, became President. If you remember, Cronkite reminded viewers every goddamned night how many days the hostages had been held in Iran. You wonder why Jimmy Carter lost? Give props to the guy you hate, Nasty McNasty.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Happy Birthday Except To Obama!

Did you know Barack Obama and God have something in common? Neither one has a birth certificate. That knee slapper passes for humor among the dittoheads and the strange group of Republican misfits called "Birthers". These folks claim to believe that Barack Obama was born in Kenya or Indonesia or on some island paradise in the Pacific and thus is not eligible to be President . It seems that 10 members of Congress have now signed onto this ridiculous movement and entered the "birther" world of wacky colors and questionable sanity.

Fueled by kooky websites and the right wing talkosphere, these "birthers" regularly lie to, threaten and harass the Hawaii head of the Department of Health, who has a copy of Obama's birth certificate on file. What do they want? Who the hell knows? The birth certificate is readily available if you're really enough of a no lifer to look for it.

Recently some reservist named Stefan Cook, backed by nutburger California lawyer, Orly Taitz, sued to keep from going to Afghanistan because Obama wasn't a citizen and had no legal authority to blah blah blah. Well, Cook isn't going to Afghanistan after all, much to the relief of every brave soul there now, but not because of any People's Court lawsuit even Judge Joe Brown wouldn't eff around with. He's not going because he never had to anyway. What a fraud these "birthers" are.

Now I think that the constitutional requirement that Presidents must be native born citizens was just great for 1783. It may have been great even for 1873. But now I don't give a rat's ass if the President was born on American soil or on Martian soil if they are competent to get something done. The constitutional requirement is as outdated as the rest of the original document with it's white men land owning no females need apply yeah we love slaves and our muskets original intent believed in by certain old white guys on the Supreme Court.

"Birthers" are simply the bastard descendants of the crazies who think Elvis is alive, the moon landing was faked, the Bilderburgers run the world, and Levi Johnston's former future mother-in-law can give a coherent speech. Does it really matter where a President is born? I mean after all, the guy before Obama was born in Connecticut and speaks like a Texas halfwit. The only constitutional requirement on Presidential qualifications I would ask be proposed is that nobody can become President if they were born in Idaho, attended more than 5 colleges, quit every public service job they ever had, named a child after a city in Connecticut, can't pronounce nuclear, governs a state that mother nature even screws with, and is too damn dumb to get a lame David Letterman joke.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Thanks For Nothing, Kunta!

Remember the who's crazier debate? Michele Bachmann or Steve King? King takes a big lead for being the lone vote of NO to a House Resolution thanking the slaves for building the Capitol Building in Washington DC.

399 to one. Steve King (R-Ia) was the one. Some rant about "rewriting history" was his reason. For godssakes, Steve, Bachmann and Ron Paul voted yes. You are truly the craziest. For now.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Say It Aint So, Ho!

The woman has never finished a thing in her life and that holds as the Idaho Idiot resigns as Governor of Fugitiveville surrounded by family and fighting geese. In a normal resignation like this, you would think Moosey McMoose has some sort of scandal brewing just beneath the service. Oh I don't know, she's having an affair with Mark Sanford, she has a long lost child fathered by someone from the ESPN Iditirod crew, she can't read thus explaining her lack of cohesion, Todd's sending her back to the factory for bot-updating, A Rod knocked her up, she got confused and thought she had to resign if Letterman didn't, or perhaps maybe when the Lady Di of the North was still Mayor of Wasilla she awarded a hockey arena contract to a construction company (Spenard Building Supplies, sponsor of the First Dud's snow machine team)and they in return built her house from which she can see Russia? Oh never, not the God-fearing Parah Sailin'.

Normally this would be a no-brainer on why a politician quits like this. But when the no brainer is nucking futs like this no brainer, who knows what's swilling around in that airy head? Fox News is probably already sending someone up there by dog sled to offer her a Hannity co-host spot. Or perhaps this really is a no-brainer. She's as corrupt as she is clueless. Stupid liberals and their anti-corruption laws.

I'm Just A Ramblin' Man!

Just some random thoughts on some stuff .

1) Fort Worth, Texas. Can you get any more stereotypical than that? Pictured above is Fort Worth's finest which decided last Saturday on the 40th anniversary of gay Americans telling the cops to eff off to start effing with them again. It seems the Fort Worth (it just doesn't get any more Texas than that) police decided to conduct a "bar check" on the Rainbow Lounge along with agents from the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission (I am not making this up). Somehow during this "routine check" some folks got the hell beat out them including one who went to the hospital in critical condition. Now if you haven't figured out the cops were beating up the queers again, well there it is. The top cop in Fort Worthless blamed the incident on the patrons, who in their alcoholic frenzy apparently found the cops and agents so utterly irresistable they just couldn't keep their hands off them. I'll bet "It's Raining Men" was even playing on the jukebox. Ok, fine. This guy, Chief Jeff Halstead, who can be contacted at needs to go back to the woods or wherever he crawled out of. Thank goodness for cell phone videos. You might remember that next time you want to eff with the gays, or anybody for that matter.

2) Michael Jackson is gone. He was a tremendous talent and changed everything in regard to music and video and concerts and pop culture. But he's not JFK, or Gandhi, or RFK and he doesn't deserve this worship. Leave it alone, national news. People who watch the news are not morons (well Fox News viewers are debatable) and really don't think the death of a singer/dancer/weirdo is worthy of 10 minutes per 30 minute newscast. Back off.

3) If Barack Obama doesn't star bullying the weakling Democrats in Congress, he is in danger of becoming Jimmy Carter. Just another genius who couldn't git-er-done. This health care debate is prime. The American people want health care reform and the whores in Congress don't. Please President Obama, start twisting arms. This is why you are there. See Jack Jodell's great blog if you want to know anything about health care. I'm not that bright to explain it.

4) Why do the Democrats need 60 votes in the Senate to achieve anything while from 1994 to 2006 the Republicans only needed 50? Remember the big hoo-hah when Jim Jeffords, former Republican from Vermont, changed parties to keep the bad guys from getting 51 votes? Hey, Harry Reid, you have 60 freaking votes in the Senate. If you can't get 51 of them into line you need to get the hell out of the way and let somebody else herd the cats. Jesus, Democrats frustrate the hell out of me.

5) Mark Sanford isn't nearly as slippery or scummy as John Edwards. I have a hard time getting all offended by Sanford, a guy truly out of his league when it comes to politics and love. He is obviously a man so beaten down by religion and the south he can't even see straight. He needs to resign, even though South Carolina may be exchanging a philanderer for an unmarried 40 year old conservative with a rather weird story . Then Sanford needs to move to Buenos Aires and send the child support on time each month. John_Edwards just needs to move somewhere quiet and stew in his own despicable juices. Hey, but I admit he fooled me.

6) Hey, I live in the 20th fattest state and dammit, I'm doing my part. The obesity reports for 2009 are out and Nebraska is really fat, not as fat as the South or most other red states, but we are eating way too much corn or twinkies or something. I really don't like being in the top 20 for that, so I vow starting right around the corner, I'm going to try to get us up to 21 by losing tonnage. Right around the corner. Right after the Nathans Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest otherwise known as the annual Why The Rest Of The World Hates Us Contest.

7) Open for debate. Who's crazier? Michele Bachmann or Steve King? Go to and weigh in if you are a Bachmann backer or head off to if you prefer the old cockfighting defender. Oh I know, they're both crazier than a shithouse rat . Apologies to the rats.