Monday, December 26, 2011

Say It Aint So, Sheriff Joe !!!

He's the rootinest tootinest sheriff west of the Pecos, wherever that is. Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Maricopa County, Areeeezona. Yahooooooo!!!...

We all know about Sheriff Joe and his tough guy stance. How he dresses up convicts in pink and throws them a baloney sammich every now and then and makes them live in tents and sticks them out on a road all chained up and makes them pick up stuff so your average leather skinned Arizona pale face can drive by and go "I love that Sheriff Joe cuz he's tough on crime, now where did Bill say I could pick up a guy to clean my pool for $10?" Yeah, Sheriff Joe, tough guy, keeping them Apaches from an uprising for 120 years now.

Sheriff Joe is really nothing more than the Lawrence Rainey and Cecil Price of his day. You might remember those two redneck Mississippi sheriffs from the 1960's and a little incident involving three young men named Schwerner, Goodman and Chaney? Sheriff Joe likes to send out what they call "sweeps". Joe sends a whole lot of his deputies (you know, deputies, the guys not smart enough to become real cops) out into neighborhoods to pull people over in cars for various things like not using turn signals or speeding or looking all Hispanicee or something. Well for some reason 57% or so of all arrests involved "illegal aliens". I say "illegal aliens" instead of "undocumented workers" because if I hear one more person say "what is it about eeelegal you don't understand" my head will explode. So the Homeland Security Department, you know, that big government department created by the small government Republicans, told Sheriff Joe that they don't respect his authoritayyyy any longer and to stop the "racial profiling". Meanwhile, Sheriff Joe started destroying e-mails and records that might implicate him for "racial profiling", which of course he does not do (winky winky). Sheriff Joe is losing time after time now in his quest for whatever it is his quest is.

Oh yeah, Tea Party speaker. Much like his fellow scam artist, that illegal half Governor from that pretend state north of the Pecos, Parah Sailin, Sheriff Joe likes to be pampered with private planes and 5 star hotels and room service provided by "questionable citizens" for doing one thing. Giving a little talk to a bunch of old Teabagger people who really just want their white country back. Some probably even say "Arrrrr-pay-ohhhh where did "his people" come from anyway?" From under a rock like the Palins probably. Anyway, Sheriff Joe gets paid a whole lot of money to yammer on about the ACLU and illegals and Obama and Eric Holder (shhhh, you know, that black guy runnin the Justice Department) and heads in the desert and drug cartels and rapists and murderers. You know, one big fun time at the Tea Party Ball! And it works much like when the Quittah from Wasilla does the same thing you betcha by golly. Idiots pay $50- $100 to hear the same thing they can hear for free on any Fox News show on a nightly basis. Oh I know, it just aint the same as hearing it in person. And it gets them out of the home for a night. And it really gets the old blood boiling too. Yeah, who needs the Cialis after a night of Sheriff Joe?

Sheriff Joe is on his way out. He refuses to investigate hundreds of rapes and murders because the victims are not citizens. Instead he loves to arrest field workers, busboys and dishwashers for not having papers. Sheriff Joe, kowtowed to by every Republican whore on earth, and loving every second of his celebrity status. Now, he's in trouble with the very law he pretends to enforce. As far as I'm concerned, the faster this self aggrandizing blowhard is fitted for his own pink jumpsuit, size extra fat headed, and given a hunk of green lunchmeat, the better. Yahoooooooooo!!!

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Shanta Claush Ish Coming To Town!

Everybody have a good day! Then tomorrow starts a whole new day to face palm and despair. Start drinking...NOW!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

When Do The Reruns Start?

Jesus H Christ, this abortion of a reality show has gone on longer than most of the cool shows I watch that get cancelled after 8 episodes. I'm talking to you, ABC. You put this shit on and you cancel Flash Forward and Life on Mars? No wonder I only turn ABC on to watch The Middle, Suburgatory and , uhhhhhhhhhh, uhhhhhhhh, hey Rick Perry, what's that third show I watch? Oh yeah, Modern Family, you know, that show with the two homos that Santorum watches in the dark with the sound turned down fantasizing what it would be like to wrestle with Cam.

Another Republican debate, live from Des Moines, Iowa where these Republican nimrods all spent time sucking up to socially retarded home schoolers who get their Jesus on every four years to caucus and send one Republican religious freak into oblivion. Hey, as far as I'm concerned, that 1988 victory you Republican Iowa dorks thrust upon the rest of the sane states by caucusing for Pat Robertson should disqualify your whole state from ever having any kind of power ever again. You obviously have no idea what to do with it. Huckabee? Bachmann? Go sit down and let the adults handle this.

Yeah everybody is all atwitter over Mittens Romney offering to bet Brokeback Rick Perry on something his book said or didn't say. Who gives a shit? Who read the goddamned thing anyway? But the first monetary figure that comes to Mittens' frazzled head is $10,000? Like that's a buck or 5 bucks in normal guy terms. What, is that what Mittens keeps in that magic underwear of his? $10K? Just for a rainy day? Jesus, Mitt, betting is not your deal! Hey, Mitt, I'll bet you $10k that not one person with an IQ over 80 can actually watch another one of these debates without drinking themselves into a frothy mixture of puke and santorum. Easiest $10K ever.

Ron Paul. Oh my. How can a man make perfect sense for 20 seconds or so and then veer off into some sort of Peter Max looking la la land. Oh yeah, I believe that we do not belong in foreign lands forcing our will on them (veer) and we should then start trading big and little rocks for currency. If you live in a rockless land, too bad for you. (Cheers from the Paultards with lots of rocks in their heads)

Newtie. They are all ganging up on you now. Calling you out for your philandering and your shameless pocket stuffing. Don't they realize what a fucking genius you are? You have that 80+ IQ. Newtie, the competition is weak. You're playing 1-AA teams while hoping to get to the Sugar Bowl and take on Obama State. Not sure you really know what's happening, Newtie. Obama prays for your nomination. In that Muslim way of his.

Rick Perry. Why? I know you aren't afraid to express your Christianity even though all those libs keep passing laws outlawing Jesus. You don't want the gays serving openly in the military. How about gays in gubmint? You like that, don't you? DADT for Texas! Yee Haw!

Michele Bachmann. Hey girl, you really are batshit crazy. What, from that mail order law degree that charlatan Oral Roberts gave you, to your lack of knowledge that working for the IRS isn't really the "private sector", to your wacky cleverisms like "Newt Romney", you really are just eye candy for the tea bagger elders wishing they'd have found you instead being stuck with Edna. The only reason you still exist in this race is because even those same tea bagger elders know a beard when they see one and yep, they think still got a shot with ya!

Rick Santorum. Please pay attention to him. Only in Iowa could this douche nozzle still matter. Pushing his woe is me we christians are so discriminated against bullshit on the homeschoolers is his only salvation. Santorum is that kid nobody wants around, who keeps popping up with his crazy ass philosophy. Shoo, kid, is what the rest of these dopes are saying.

Hey, Barack Obama, it's still working. These easy marks are all still here. Though the bad news about Herman Cain was unfortunate, Newtie and Mittens are still beating the shiite out of each other. Thing are looking good, my friend. If we can keep these Republican fire breathers occupied with their tea parties and poor folks hatred, they may never notice their secret weapon. Shhhhhh, you know, that reasonable guy, the one you appointed as Ambassador to China just to get him the hell out of the country? Shhhhhh, I think he's still out there. I won't mention his name if you won't. These Republicans are so 2nd amendmentee, you'd think they could equate hunting and an activity that men like. You know, I'm one of those hunt men...Figure it out for yourselves. I aint' helping.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Newtie Is A Blowfish!

Oh my God! Just when you think the Republican yokels can't do anything more entertaining than elevate a book huckster like Rock You Like a Herman Cain to the top of the polls, they do it again. The Teabagger favorite has now become Newt Gingrich. Jesus H Christ, Republican primary mouth breathers, Newt Gingrich? Why not Rod Blogoevich? At least he's got charisma. Gingrich should be Rod's cellmate to be honest, a word Gingrich had removed from his scatter brain.

You have to be kidding me, Republican knuckle draggers. Newt Gingrich? You hate that slippery Mittens Romney so much you go for a wild eyed crazy woman first, then when she shows the crazy too much, it's off to support the Texas dumber than Bush guy, then when he says something about your black hearts and says oops you abandon him for the non scary black dude who speaks perfect gibberish just like you, nine nine nine and iz becky becky becky stan. Then when he becomes the "victim" of the lying bitches and the commie media and gets one upside his head from Gloria you move on to THIS? Newt Gingrich? What the fuck is the matter with you Republican neanderthals? Get a brain, morans!

Newtie is about third on my dream list for Obama to run against. Right after that wild eyed foster parent from Minnesota and that lecherous back massaging pizza guy. Newt is a walking scandal. We all know of his inability to walk the straight and narrow. We've all heard the stories of how he served divorce papers to his first wife, Jackie, while she was in the hospital recovering from cancer surgery. No, she wasn't on her deathbed and we should stop saying that because it makes us look as truth challenged as him. We know that while he was impeaching Bill Clinton for getting hummers from a chubby intern, while still married to Marianne Gingrich, he was meeting a woman 23 years his junior and banging her after Mass. No wonder he converted to Catholicism. That would be Callista Gingrich, the Tiffany's enthusiast. Geez, how many chicks has this guy snookered into marrying his fat bloated ass?

And that's just Newtie's personal life. Forget about the backdoor book deal with Rupert Murdoch, the bounced checks during the Congressional check kiting scandals, the personal profiteering using tax exempt charities to enrich himself and his buddies, his "college courses" in which he recruited Hitler youth types to run for office, the $330K fine he paid for ethics violations, the fact, yes fact, he was the first Speaker of the House to be reprimanded by his colleagues 395-28 and resigned after that public humiliation. And that's just through 1999 for chrissakes.

Since then this scumbag has taken money from Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae as an "historian". He feeds his wife's lavish tastes with a $1 million account at Tiffany's while expressing concern for overspending by the Government he loathes yet profits from. He dismisses a Mediterranean cruise as a fact finding mission to "study" Greece's faltering economy. I mean this guy makes Nixon look like Abe fucking Lincoln.

But you Republican hillbillies just keep wandering aimlessly looking for anybody to get that black guy out of your White House . Anybody!!! Except of course that Mormom flip flopping son of a bitch from Taxachusetts. You know, the one who may have a chance. Nahhhhhhhhh, we'd rather dress up like Ben Franklin, handle our snakes, praise Jebus, and ignore the chaotic life of an immoral prick like Newtie Gingrich. And besides, it's easier for us to sit back in our easy chairs and piss and moan than actually try to win. And hey, those 9 year old kids, you know, the ones those minorities always have so they can get more tax money, they need to get a freakin job, just like Newtie says. Now, where's my social security check?