Saturday, May 21, 2016

Pitchy, Dawg!


I haven't seen Heart since 1977 when they first started and were so unique and yeah hot. The old Omaha Music Hall, a run down 3000 seat annex to the old run down Civic Auditorium, featured bands like Heart, Bruce Springsteen, REM, Tom Petty, ya know up and comers back then. The type of bands that couldn't fill the 9500 seats but could get a decent crowd at a smaller place played this broken down dump. Oh I kid, in '77 it was a fine place. Cramped and dingy, a sort of symphony feel. Classy. Well for 1977 Omaha anyway.

Heart is still out there humpin it, making a living, playing songs from the 70's and 80's that were monster hits to old people like me. Now, I gave up on Heart long ago, Couldn't stand them. Talk about schlock. Songs that made absolutely no sense to me. But still, that voice. Ann Wilson was power. Her voice had the power of two hammers bashing your ears in on both sides. Goddam, the songs sucked, but that woman could fucking sing. American Idol singers made careers singing Alone. Can she hit Ann Wilson's notes? Can she blow this place away? Some could, most could not. So when a Groupon arrived, I assume due to poor ticket sales, saying hey Max's Dad, wanna see Heart for $20 measly dollars, I said I am in.

Joan Jett and the Blackhearts opened the show. I had never seen Joan Jett live. Never had I cared that much for Joan Jett. Damn, how sick she must be of singing that awful I Love Rock N Roll cuz I know I am sick of hearing it. So when Joan Jett walked out, on time like us old people like, and launched into Bad Reputation, Christ, I was hooked. 45 minutes of pounding power from this 57 year old tough chick who will always be a leather clad teenager to me. Personable as hell, tailored her remarks to her audience, and just played her guts out. I'm not sure why her niceness surprised me. I guess I was expecting a 15 year old in chaps to walk out and tell everybody to fuck off all night. Joan Jett, if you get a chance, go see her. Even her new stuff rocked.

Then it was time for Heart. From the start it made me cringe. Magic Man started it all. I should have left then. Ann cant sing anymore. Well to be fair, she is now just a shell of her former self, but still good enough to get out there. It's like watching Willie Mays with the Mets. You remember the great, and the mediocre just makes you sad. I stuck around for most of it, but after she sang Alone acoustically and quite frankly would have been X'd by Howard Stern for it, I took off.

Sometimes the legends just can't do it any longer. And sometimes a person who is a legend but you dont realize it, steps up and fills that void. Thanks goodness for Groupons.

Monday, May 16, 2016

Idicocracy 400 Years Early!


The President, Barack Obama in case you'd forgotten or referred to him as one of the cute nicknames he gets over the years, gave the commencement speech at Rutgers yesterday and chided the nation's descent into dumbness, or as smart guys like him refer to it as, anti-intellectualism. The address was masterful, enlightening and totally incomprehensible to about 40-60% of the nation's citizens, who think a pompous prank calling racist sexist xenophobic loudmouth con artist asshole is "tellin it like it is". Thanks Obama, for keepin it 100.

How did the above happen? The sight of a crazy hypocritical grifter dope joining forces with a phony scammer lying flip flopping morally empty reality show host would have been laughed off the political screen 40 years ago. Hey Gerald Ford and Jimmy Carter may not have been entertaining but they also sure as hell weren't stupid and/or bunco artists. When did this plunge into being stupid is a plus start?

Some could argue it was 1980 when the charming but rather empty headed Ronald The Saint Reagan somehow won the Presidency by scaring the bejeezus out of white people that the 60's and 70's were the devil years. That Vietnam was a noble cause, that Democrats were tax and spend (duh, who isnt, thats how gubmint works) liberals, the Rooskies were coming and the Ayatollah was an ass a hola. Reagan was Uncle Ronnie, kinda dim but had your best interests at heart while the guy who served in the Navy running a nuclear submarine was an incompetent nitwit. But lets face it, Reagans appeal was gut. He had competent people surrounding him protecting him from doing something really stupid. Yeah they may have been competent and yes evil, but nobody got past Nancy, who had nobody but Saint Ronnie's legacy at heart. Nope sorry, Haig, you are NOT in control. No way, Watt, are you going to strip mine Yellowstone. Sorry,Jim Baker and Don Regan, I need a calm guy like Howard Baker to take control. Nancy, and I'm not sticking up for anything other than her behind the scenes leash she had on a simple man who lived in a not real place , was the reason the world didn't explode.

Then came 1988. The ascent of a cynical son of a bitch with a wife even more cynical than he. George H W Bush. A man who would do anything to win with a Lady McBeth behind him. The stench of anti intellectualism began. Led by another cynical prick names Lee Atwater, the hey that Dukakis is pointy headed and really smart and shit so fuck him thinking became rampant. G H W Bush, a man who was Ambassador to the UN, head of the CIA, and Yale educated became the normal dude you'd have a beer with. The blacks are coming to rape your daughters, the women are coming to take your jobs and that Greek Governor isnt really "white".

Bush won, after overcoming 20 point deficits in the polls, because he succeeded in creating this normal guy character as he was buzzing around Kennebunkport in his speedboat. And ever since, its Dumbness 101 that is the platform of the Republican Party.

Oh they lose on a national scale. A lot. They have one official popular vote win since 1988 , in 2004, and that was either stolen or because Republicans really hated the gays in Ohio back then. And face it, the Democrats nominated another smart guy. Stop it.

The anti-intellectualism of today is bordering on Idiocracy. The Trump campaign, the Cruz campaign, hell everybody's campaign is making people dumber by the minute. Climate change, bahhhhhhh, science, bahhhhhh, simple logic, bahhhhhhhh, rights, bahhhhhh, chrissakes cant you see, millions of transgenders will be going into ladies rooms and molesting your non existent daughters. Whoa, whoa, arent those types all gay? Now all of a sudden they all came to Jesus and now like girls, little girls mind you, but girls?

The dumbness is getting unbearable. As the President said, telling it like it is is not a virtue. Telling it like it is is an excuse for being an asshole. Period.

So this year we will apparently have a choice. A tell it like it is (which it isnt) asshole who appeals to dumb assholes who cant wait to get to the Noahs Ark Theme Park. Or another cynical corporate hack. But until the cynical hack tells me she thinks that the earth is 6000 years old, or that she wants to build a wall to keep Mexican rapist back in Mexico, or that she also goes by Jane Miller and makes prank calls to Crazy Ira and the Douche I have to go with the hack. Sorry, Bernie Bots. I'm just tellin it like it is.

Saturday, May 7, 2016

Trump A Lump!


He was here and spoke in an airplane hangar to anywhere from 1600 to 3500 bad jointed waddling olds and bad brained bigots. Or in Trump math, 10,000 enthusiastic supporters.

Introduced by our talking hard boiled egg Governor, or as the clueless Trump emcee called him, Senator Pete Ricketts, Trump carried on about this and that, more specifically Bobby Knight to Florida golf to Trump steaks to flying to Mars. I have no idea what he was talking about because it was like listening to Abe Simpson yammer on about an onion on his belt. Yay!!!!!!!

Trump, who never ever uses a teleprompter (gee really?) like that Obummer does, in his latest attempt to not sound like a straw haired sociopath, actually looked at a notebook to act outraged over a tragedy that occurred here in Omaha months ago. A sort of Hispanic Fonzie, here from Honduras illegally, got drunk and slammed into a car carrying a young woman who literally had graduated college hours before. She died, he didn't of course, and he skipped bail, enraging her parents and the opportunistic political hacks like Ben Sasse (Junior Clown-Ne) and now Trump. Despite the fact that thousands are killed by drunk drivers every year or shot to death by 2nd Amendment enthusiasts, this one tragedy allows cynical pricks like Trump and sasse to further their own careers by "caring" so much. Using the family of this young woman as a political pawn to rally up the bigots in the crowd of , oh what, 20,000 by now. Instead of reacting to the Trump "outrage" by being sympathetic like any non asshole would do, the 30,000 Trump supporters responded with the brainless "Build The Wall" chant. Not so much cuz they cared about Sarah Root, but because they don't care for the browns. It is a disgusting sight. Truly. The young lady killed by a drunk driver (now thats the story not his fucking immigration status) accomplished more than any of these chanting monkeys will in their lives.

Trump could not let the fact that Ricketts, our dime store Lex Luthor, has a family of rich pricks who not only own the Chicago Cubs, but hate Trump so much they have reached into petty cash and contributed millions to stop the nomination of this talking orange concentrate can. Taking a shot at Ricketts by saying yeah I kinda like you now, but your family not so much, I was in a quandary. Who do I root for? Then I remembered the quote about letting your enemies beat each other up and just sit back and watch.

The protesters were there, interrupting the proceedings three times much to the anger of the shaved head goateed Trump tough guys in the crowd. There was actually a man bunned twerp who started shit, unfortunately two hours prior to the loudmouth's arrival. Genius, my hipster friend. I would have helped lead him out to the nearest glass blowing festival. Two hours before? Loosen the man bun, Cody.

So bye bye, Mister Trump. You've graced our fine state with your presence now get the fuck out.

Thursday, May 5, 2016

Clowns To The Left Of Me, Jokers To The Right!


The "presumptive" nominee of a political party temporarily taken over by band of misfits is coming to Omaha tomorrow. Yes the city that will reject the talking tangerine in November is being graced by the presence of the "presumptive" nominee who really "loves Nebraska" ya know dat place where Vegas is, right?

Donald Trump will fly into the Omaha airport on Friday to speak in an airplane hangar to hundreds of assholes who called in sick. Yep, Trump loves Nebraska so much he isn't even leaving his fucking plane. The lazy prick won't even get in a limo and ride to an arena or a bar or to a cornfield we all have in our backyards to dazzle us rubes with his message of fuck you if you aren't white screed.

Some wonderful vandals have actually made a row of grain silos along Interstate 80 (dont ask) even less of an eyesore by risking their lives to paint Dump Trump along the top. "An act of vandalism" harrumphed the owner of these gigantic silos that haven't been used since William Jennings Bryan was losing elections more often than Donald Trump's been married. Lighten up, owner of an blemish on this city you are too fucking cheap to tear down. Your ugly ass silos now serve a purpose to the thousands of out of towners who pass through our fair city and see those goddamn things as a confirmation of our backward ass reputation.

In the meantime, here comes our junior Senator Ben Sasse. He hates Trump. Oh not because Trump is a vile disgusting parasite but because Trump is a "liberal". There are some people who want this lisping punk to run for President as a third party candidate. If you know this guy, as opposed to asking who the fuck is Ben Sasse, you know what a dumb terrific idea this is. Sasse, a man who ran ads in his Senate race in which his little girls claimed they prayed every morning over breakfast to end Obamacare, is every bit the clown that Trump is. He's just younger and has better hair. Sasse sells hot dogs at Nebraska football games, walking up and down the stairs making faces and selling very few hot doogs. He runs a twitter account in which his profile photo is him trying to look like Larry of the Three Stooges, or he just looks that way which is my vote. Sasse would be the perfect alternative to Trump. A younger, dumber clown. Nyuck Nyuck.

Come to our fair state sometime. See the silos on an interstate in the middle of a city of half a million people, the vast majority who have never seen a farm, much less been on one. For now, at least, they're cool to look at.

Friday, April 29, 2016

This Week In Crazy!


If you can't smell the sulfur coming off that photo get your smelling checked. As Bob Dole once said its evil eviler and evilest or something like that. Ted Cruz picked a running mate for his imaginary presidential campaign this week and picked an imaginary human to boot. Carly Fiorina, a woman who makes Heidi Cruz seem like a grinning morning show host, is the perfect match to Cruz's vampire like persona. If he finally did bite her on her neck, what would come out? Vinegar?

This match up, of course a desperate attempt to pull the stupid women's vote away from Donald Trump, is often compared to the 1976 attempt by a losing Saint Ronald of Reagan to knock off the sleepy Gerald Ford by picking a moderate Senator from Pennsylvania named Richard Schweiker as his running mate before the convention. That didn't work , sorry Reagan apostles who think the man never made a bad decision in his life, and this won't either. Well first of all because this isn't 1976 when Republicans worshiped their money and didn't give two shits about that religious bullshit and the snake handling trailer dwellers who never voted. Second of all because Schweiker was an actual human with feelings and empathy and not a creepy ice queen from Once Upon A Time. And third of all, and how it pains me to say this, but Ted Cruz is no Saint Ronald De Reagan of Hollywood. Reagan The Good would look at Cruz, tilt his head and say in that grampa voice, "Well Ted, or whatever your name is, you're fucking nuts".

Donald Trump, LOL, made some sort of foreign policy speech this week to show how presidential he is. Toning it down, by not calling Angela Merkel a kraut I guess, Trump said the same old shit he's been spouting off to idiots for months, but in a much more boring way. America First, yayyy! Just like Charlie Lindbergh in 1939. Don't mess with 'Merica. Yay!!!! We're number one!! Yay!!! Trump's speech was praised by the suck ups of the Republican Has Been Club who have now decided that Trump is the best way to poke those stuffed shirts in the monocle. Yeah, people like Gingrich and the rest of the bitters know deep down this guy is a 60-40 loser to HER, but what the fuck. May as well ride the coaster right off the cliff and get some attention, right? Ann Coulter, the sadly brattish has been, called it the greatest foreign policy speech since 1981, which I assume was when she was only 150 years old.

Trump looks like he is inevitably going to take the Republicans down into a black hole of sludge so deep they may take 2 whole years to recover. Because in 2018 the old white people who vote put the Republican neanderthals back into Congress while millennials stay home and do whatever it is that will be hip in 2018. Sorry but I dont subscribe to the Trump= Death of the Republican Party Monthly. He is a blip on the radar screen of American History. A bit of American History X for sure, but just a blip. He is a clown, an entertainer, a pied piper for dumbasses. And he will lose, big, No I am not going to be sorry for what I wished for ,pundits. Trump is going to get crushed by HER. Period.

Finally, though I am still Feelin The Bern because there is no politician on earth I like more than Bernie Sanders, he looks old, and tired. Exhausted. 74 years old is still 74 years old. Bernie has energy and spunk and is clearly energized by the youngs and the olds like me who worship him for telling them they can go to college for free and Wall Street is the criminal class in this country. Never have I heard a successful politician say what he says and get so many votes. I've seen them all. I loved McGovern, I loved Kennedy, I loved Mondale, and well I really liked Jerry Brown and Gary Hart and Obama but Bernie Sanders strikes something in me and has since he was Mayor of Burlington,Vermont. I love the man. I want him around for a long long time. But Senator Sanders, you know it, I know it, the system is rigged against people like us. 1972 haunts Democrats to this day. That loss to Nixon has stained the soul of this party for way too long. Republicans dont give a shit about 1964 or 2008 or 2012, they just double down and get even more crazy. And they fucking win now and then. And its a disaster of monumental proportions. But they just keep on pumping the trickle down and the abortion and the evil gays and now the bathroom pervs who will molest your little girls and it works. Well it works well enough that if you suppress the poor vote and piss off old people and superstitious people with the means to go to the polls you can win on local and state levels. Too bad the Democrats haven't gotten over '72. Bernie Sanders was that way, but be safe, Dems, and nominate another corporate lackey with a penchant for hawkishness and just not as bad as Trump appeal. When will Democrats learn that no matter what you do, say, or think, the conservatives hate you. Always have always will. Because they want to. Because Rush or Levin or Fox tells them to. So, Bernie, it was a good fight again, but lets face it, we aint gonna win. And get some sleep, man.