Thursday, November 20, 2014

Viva La Wingnuts!

Tonight the world ends. Barack Hussein Jose Obama will let about 100 million Mexicans stay here and be able to vote retroactively to destroy America. His evil plan, with the help of all the networks who refuse to air the speech which will destroy 'Merica, will be unfolded this evening. On Mexico's Revolution Day? Co inky dink? Of course it is, but not to the tin foil hat crowd, in other words, half the United States Congress and all of rural 'Murca.

So while White America watches fat people being humiliated, or horny nerds making double entendres, a doctor show most people thought cancelled somewhere around the last stages of the Bush disaster and a show about bones, Obummer will be opening the back door and letting all those browns in to take good white people jobs like slaughtering cows, picking fruit and cleaning shit out of porta potties at soft jazz festivals.

Of course, cranky old uninformed whites could turn the speech on and watch it on Fox News while Megyn Kelly makes faces in the background, half interested whites could watch it on CNN while Don Lemon chomps down on a hot dog in the background, or really scaredy cat whites could turn on MSNBC and watch the speech as Rachel Maddow makes margaritas for all the Big Bang Theory rejects in the back.

Me? I'll be watching the Latin Grammys to brush up on my Espanol and like the 'Merican Grammys, I know nobody who will be onstage. So far by watching lots of Univision I have learned the following Spanish.

1) Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooal!!!!!!!!!!

2) You pronounce You-Ne-Vision Oon-a-vee-zee-own

3) Gracias a Dios (muttered quite often at the Latin Grammys)

I figure by the time Nobama gets thru turning New Mexico into just Mexico again, I will also be able to say Dos Cervezas por favor'.

Meanwhile I have to go figure the real significance of Obummer making the speech toda. What secret Mooslim holiday is this really?

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Lan Screw!

I have two words for future Ex-Senator Mary Landrieu (Chickenshit-La). Fuck you. I have two words for Joe Manchin (Hillbilly-WV), future Republican turncoat. Fuck you. And I have three words for future Ex-Senator Claire McCaskill (Coward-Mo). Fuck you too.

What these three dicklicks are up to is disgraceful. To force a vote to approve a filthy pipeline out of Canada carrying tar and shit through my fucking state? To save your miserable asses? And your strategy isn't gonna work anyway you stupid fuckin hillbillies.

Mary Landrieu is already boiling in a pot full of crawfish and is about to be eaten alive. Hey dipshit. You think the Republicans in Louisiana aren't going to tear you a new asshole no matter what you do or say? You could dress up in Klan robes, knock all your teeth out and speak in some sort of weird hybrid of French, English and Bigfoot and the Republicans will call you an "Obama" lover anyway. Jesus H Christ. Fight.

I hope that dumbfuck running against Mary Landrieu ,you know, the guy who sponsored the filthy Keystone Pipeline bill she is trying to pass beats her by about 100 million votes.

Joe Manchin, a Senator from a state full of hillbillies so dumb that when "Freedom Industries" dumped their toxic sludge into the Elk River earlier in 2014 causing them to boil drinking water and breathe poison, they all voted Republican anyway cuz of freeeedum. Manchin is a coal whore in which the over/under on him switching parties is about 3 months.

And Claire McCaskill, who wouldn't even be a Senator any longer if it wasn't for a stupid misogynist named Todd Akin who said in an out loud voice that he wondered how much rape was "legitimate". Shit, Claire, he still got 39% of the vote against you. McCaskill is the first Democrat to start sucking Mitch McConnell's turtle dick and oppose Harry Reid as minority leader. The over/under on this shrew switching parties is about a year.

Ya know what, fuck all the Democrats. Joni Ernst bit all your balls off long ago.

You see, Democrats, Republicans are cobras. Yeah they are scary. They will attack you. So you have choices to make. You can try to stomp the shit out of them as they try to bite you with their venom and lies OR you can get down on the ground and pet them on their heads trying to make them like you. Well no matter what you Democratic pussies do, the goddamned cobra is going to bite you and kill you. They cant help it. It's who they are and they make no apologies for it. The Republicans are slithering, venom filled killers and you Democrats are chickenshits afraid of your own constituents.

So start stomping. Become the mongoose.

Meanwhile, a furrin company is going to build a leaking tar shit pipeline through the water aquifier in Nebraska so their gunk can get to Louisiana and Texas faster so they can refine it and ship it off to China and India as gasoline.

Thanks Mary Landrieu. I hope that cobra fucker beats you so bad you end up sucking dicks on the streets of Nawlins. As opposed to sucking Trans Canada's 1179 mile long crank like you are doing now.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014


I have always liked the Ivy League. I watch the games they play not very well. I vote for the politicians they often put out. Harvard, Yale, Cornell, Penn, Princeton, Columbia, Brown (my Dad, a Fordham man, said they'd chant at Brown's football team "what's the color of shit?" which is why he was simply a Fordham man) and that bastard child of the Ivy League, Dartmouth. I never liked Dartmouth. It was the one that nobody could remember, stuck up in the forests of New Hampshire, blessed with degenerate grads like screeching kazoo yeller Laura Ingraham and convicted criminal Dinesh D'Souza. It has that awful newspaper, The Dartmouth Review, that outed the gays back before being gay was cool, supported apartheid, published racist articles to demean affirmative action and made William F Buckley face palm over how his influence had been taken over by Klansmen in green.

But now, thanks to an energetic bunch of Dartmouth men and women, I love the Big Green!

Rick Perry, bespectacled closet case Governor of America's nuttiest state, was in New Hampshire because he actually thinks he can become President.........I shall pause now for you to clean off your monitor......and spoke to a mass of Dartmouth students because hey why the fuck not and the Q&A session got taken hostage by a bunch of right minded urchins who couldn't stop asking Slick Rick all about the anal sex he hates so much (yeah right).

One Emily Sellers cleared her throat, and asked famed Ni****head resident Governor Rick Perry if for $102 million , the amount he has raised in his campaigns, he'd have anal sex. Now of course, the obvious answer for any politician is when and where and for Perry the obvious answer is simply yes I've done it for a lot less, but Great Caesars Ghost were the Dartmouth Young Republicans offended. How dare that dame ask a sitting Governor of some state out there somewhere a question such as that! Migawd I almost spit out my Peggy Noonan 1978 Chardonnay.

Now Ms. Sellers was one of many in the crowd who had a list of 11 questions to ask Oops Man if they got a chance.

Wow, how I wish that Candy Crowley had gotten a hold of this list and asked Mittens Von Romney "I know you have been very strong on all foreign policy issues, including Somali pirates, but what is your stance on butt pirates?"

And how I wish Gwen Ifill had that set of inquiries in her hands back in 2008 and asked Half Assed Governor Sarah Palin "if new documents revealed that Jesus liked to play with his own hairy hollow, would you change your opinion?

And wowza, what if Martha Raddatz had this set of questions and asked jug eared soulless prick Paul Ryan " Does your ideal anti-sodomy law prevent me from playing with my own poop chute?"

Can you imagine Uncle Joe Biden hearing that one?

Anyway Dartmouth, thanks to Emily Sellers, I now like you just as much as I like that other one, you know that place far above Cayuga's waters where there lies an awful smell (thanks Dad for that one too).....probably the stench increasingly irrelevant drag queen Ann Coulter left behind.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

WTF Is The Matter With Kansas?

Holy Smokes, did anybody get the license numbers of that caravan of trucks driven by all those old white people that ran us over last night? Most of those fossils shouldn't be driving much less voting but since the voter suppression laws are written for the darker persuasion and not for the Buick drivers it's really hard to stop them. I suppose passing a law stating you need a special form to vote and only advertising it on CNN, MSNBC or the major networks other than Fox might do the trick but crap, that would be wrong. And being wrong is THEIR fucking job.

I can take the loss of the Senate because what really changes? Filibusters, holds and vetoes will assure nothing gets done so fuck that club of cackling nutjobs.

Here in Nebraska, we sent a buck toothed carpetbagger named Ben Thath, er, Sasse to that club of cackling nuts where his Sylvester like speech pattern will be assured to cause hilarity to ensue the first time he tries to thay thufferin thuccotash..

But we got rid of Lee Terry. After 16 years of doing absolutely nothing, this back benching leech was finally beaten by a guy who was registered under 3 different parties in the last two years. Brad Something or other. It doesn't matter cuz we got rid of Lee Terry, of 2014 Willie Horton fame. Fuck Lee Terry and I hope that's the last time I ever type that.

But hey. Kansas? What in the fuck is the matter with you?

Sam Brownback took your state and shit down its neck the last 4 years. And you re-elected him?

Pat Roberts lives in Kansas less often than I do, which is never. I mean the guy lists Fairfax, Virginia as his primary residence which as far as I know is nowhere near the Sunflower State. He rents a space in a home in Kansas for $300 a month to make it all kosher. And you re-elected him too?

Kris Kobach, a genuine bigot if there ever was one, who as Secretary of that Miserable State, seems to think by making it harder and harder for people to exercise an actual right and vote he can assure Kansas of being a kind of White Utopia, disenfranchised over 22,000 voters before this 2014 election as a punishment for 5 cases of voter fraud. And ou assholes re-elected him too?

Oh Kansas. And I thought you were the good state if I had to choose between you and Missouri. But apparently you can be just as dumb as those Show Me State hilljacks.

Ya know I have often believed that in the nations heartland, Republicanism is genetic, like color blindness or sickle cell disease. In fact, Republicanism is the white peoples sickle cell disorder. You may intend to say no more to your average Republican political dicklick, but once in the voting booth, it cannot be done. Great Grandpappy will roll over in his grave if he knew you voted for a Demoncrat. The hand just naturally goes Republican. Even though the Republican you just voted for is sticking his hand up your ass and tickling your uvula.

Ah he don't mean it. He won't hit me again. Kansas, home of perfectly moderate sensible Republicans like Alf Landon, Dwight Eisenhower, BobDole, Nancy Kassenbaum, and the Koch Brothers. The Lawrence Koch Brothers not those evil pricks from Wichita.

Sam Brownback took an economical stable state and turned it into a fiery mess. Oh yeah, he cut taxes all right. To the point it cost the state over $600 million in revenue. So he cut the Earned Income Tax credit, which in effect raised taxes on the working poor. He cut state spending on education which apparently worked. Brownie created an atmosphere so toxic Kansas will run deficits through 2019. How could anyone re-elect a disaster like that?

Kansas, that's who. Thats cuz Paul Davis, the poor slob who somehow lost to this burning mass of Republican tires, went to a strip club back in 1998 and got a, hushhhh yo mouth, lap dance. The genetic Republicanism kicked in when Ma and Pa Kettle in Dodge City saw that. While Pa, in between the harangues about the gays, angrily decried Davis and his lap dance (while fondly remembering his time away from Ma in the big city of Topeka and Baby Dolls)and Ma swung the rolling pin at the Obama punching bag Davis was cooked. Even though Brownback was barebacking Kansas, he was still a good Christian man and dammit, I'm voting Christian again.

Schadenfreude. That's what I'm feeling now. When Kansas finally falls into that septic tank and drowns in that pile of Brownback poop, I will be laughing.

And then I'll turn to my state capitol. Lincoln, not Memorial Stadium, and realize my state just elected Charles Foster Kane to run this state. Fuck.

Monday, November 3, 2014

Car Talk!

So long, Tom Magliozzi. You and your brother, Ray, kept me entertained for many years at 9 am Saturday mornings when I was working.

Tom used to get so mad at people who were driving gas guzzlers. That's why I liked him so much.

What a life you had. And making others laugh was the best life possible.

I will miss you. Thank goodness for reruns.

Advice From Jimmy Malone!

That Obama. Remember back in 2008 when he quoted Jimmy Malone about bringing a gun to a knife fight and the conservatards all got their secret panties in a wad cuz ya see, that Obummer is a thug and a Chicago ni,uhhh nitwit.

Well I thought ya'll be happy he brings a drone with a missile to an ISIS knife fight but I guess not cuz Republicans are all nice family people without a mean bone in their body. Nosiree.

Check out Jennifer Horn, a kind of bowling ball with arms and a big mouth. She wants to hold people's heads under the water until they drowned or something. Too bad that stringbean dumping water on Mrs. Horn didn't think the same thing, but that would be wrong. Right? Only gubmint should be drowned, or at least shot at by Joni Ernst.

And then we get some drunk holding hisself up by the podium yammering on how a disgrace is a disgrace and how disgraceful and disgracing Nobummer is.

So tomorrow, bring that gun to a knife fight and send them to the political morgue they belong. VOTE!

Please Vote!

I'll tell ya what bugs me about this election and the impending takeover of the Reichstag by the Huns. It's the age of these interlopers. Chrissakes, once you get into the Club, its virtually impossible to get them out because of the money that their puppet masters will fork over to keep them in, and the fact the American public is so fucking busy trying to overcome the policies of these assholes they vote along the lines of yeah I've heard of them, what the hell. Jesus, locally around here, the same fucking people get bored being a utility board member so they move onto a local college board, then move over to some obscure county office and they keep winning. Christ, talk about living off the dole, which most of them also oppose, unless it's them of course.

Who in the hell is a young Republican thee days? Well plenty. Now I sincerely believe to be a young Republican, and by young I mean just north of dead, you are one of two things. Either you are a very observant, cynical, cold, soulless con man/woman who know that conservative white folk eat up the victim card, love the Obummer bashing without dropping the n word, think the media hates them and will fall for anybody who tells them what they want to hear OR you're a kook, a lunatic, a nut, a whackjob, a dope.

The first group would be your Limbaughs, Levins, O'Reillys, Romneys, Coulters, and yes, Reagans. If anybody thinks the previous list includes anyone who actually believes their own bullshit, Hello Suckers!! You have participated in a con game so large it pays them all millions and millions to lie to you.

The second group would be your Palins, Hannitys, Cruz's, Bachmanns, Perrys, and yes, Joni Ernst's and Ben Sasse's. These are the nuts, the loony birds, the unhinged. And they are young. Shivers.

Joni Ernst is 43. Ben Sasse is 42. Cory Gardner is 39. Tom Cotton is 37.

Wow, thats a lot of crazy to go. A whole lot of years of nutty statements to come.

Ernst, an Iowa pig castrator, believes the UN is coming to take your land. Sasse, a so called Nebraska Harvard educated lunkhead thinks violating the law in the name of one's religion (I assume he means fundy christianity only) should not be prosecuted. Cory Gardner, a Colorado mouth breather, thinks the chicks should just shut up and have babies for the love of gawd. Tom Cotton is a jug eared Arkansas believer in paying down the federal debt by increasing interest rates on 20 year old college kids and cutting taxes to the Koch Bros.

All four of these young Republican nutjobs could be a Senator for life. For Life. Like Chuck Grassley, an Iowa dope who has been in office for 35 years. Or Mitch McConnell.

Get out and vote Tuesday. It does matter. Or these Personhood Screwballs will be there forever. Hey, it's only the rest of your life too.