Saturday, January 24, 2015

The Iowa Clown Car Is Boarding!


There she is again. Headed for Iowa to climb out of the right wing clown car for this weekends "Iowa Freedom Summit" or as it is also known, Celebrity Jack Off of Iowa.

Hosted by the man with the viper mouth and gerbil brain, Representative Steve King (R-State That Thinks Way Too Much Of Itself), this "Freedom Summit", gathers some of the people that so amuse us yet at the same time frighten us because way too many 'Mericans vote and too few Americans do.

Oh you know. people with a "servants heart" like Governor Grifter of Alaska who enjoys posing for selfies in front of vulgar signs she so abhors so much she signs them. Yep, Palin will be there. Teasing her stupid supporters with threats of running for President in 2016 so they keep sending her money so she can live the lifestyle she and her clan of Northern swindlers have become accustomed to since John McCain (Grrrr-Az) unleashed her on the rest of us, Palin continues play both sides of ever issue. Vulgarity in the defense of psychotic patriot killers is no vice.

Others that will be slithering to Iowa to lick Steve King's calves will be the likes of "short fingered vulgarian" Donald Trump who I assume will tell the gathering of hillbillies that he wants to tell Obama "yer fired" and they will roar with delight at the obvious.

Rafael Cruz (R-Canada) will be there. Tedward will sweat profusely on his upper lip and be totally serious while the rubes shake their heads and decry what that African has done to their nation even though they really have no idea what that is other than winning two elections and being black and born in another country called Hawaii. You know, furrin born. Like Cruz.

Chris Christie (Suckass-Dallas) will take a break from dry humping Jerry Jones' leg to make some sort of hopeless attempt to appeal to a bunch of people who think he's just another mook libtard from Jersey who actually touched Obummer once.

Mike Huckabee (R-Fox) will roll into town on a chariot of fire decrying the evil of one Beyonce Knowles, the woman he thinks of when he secretly goes into the Huckabee bathroom and eats jelly donuts and jacks it to All The Single Ladies. Huckabee will have them eating out of his hand (if theres any left) quoting scripture and popping a stiffy as he imagines himself as one Shawn Corey Carter and being able to outpunt his coverage with a fine sister.

The Santorum (R-Vatican City) will ooze into Iowa so put those bread bags on your feet if you know what's good for you.

Rick Perry (Closet Case-Tx) is there. Well let's say Perry is supposed to be there. Shit, he may end up in Idaho the way his melon works. Where is everybody?

Scott Walker (Shitstain-Wi) is bringing his cheesewagon to town. Walker will be trying to fit in with the hilljacks by decrying the fact that "the Green Bays really blew it against the Seattles" and smiling like a Koch Brother just acknowledged his existence.

Newt Gingrich (Babe Magnet-Ga) is there. Why? Checking for a new wife in Iowa perhaps? Sorry Newt, Joni Ernst is hitched. To a bigger sexist asshole than you.

Marsha Blackburn R-Who Cares) will be there with all that Southern charm, kind of like when the school marm tells you she's only beating your ass cuz she loves ya. Maybe she can confuse Iowa's borders with Ohio borders or something to keep those damned Ebola stricken Africans Detroiters out.

Ben Carson (Plagiarist-Md) will be there to stir up the crowd of hicks with someone else's words.

And the rest of delusional con artists attempting to convince dumb people that they too, are as dumb as good old Iowa dirt.

Mike Lee (Maybe is Dumb as Dirt-Ut), Chuck Grassley (Original Dirt-Ia), Carly Fiorina (Good Luck with the Dirt-Ca), John Bolton (General Jack D Ripper-Crazy Town) and of course, what Gathering of Nuts would be complete without an appearance by the old Wonder Bread enthusiast herself, Joni Ernst.

Prepare to laugh Iowa. We are laughing at you already, and not in that hot Joni Ernst way.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

France!


The blame game goes all over. From Fox News' blubbering boobs blaming political correctness to that idiot lone wolf Catholic asshole Bill Donahue blaming Hollywood and the liberals to another Fox News blowhard stating this murderous rampage was cause for the police to "over-militarize" to even more Fox News shrews blaming immigration. STOP already!

Chrissakes, the far right doesn't need to campaign on this. They already win anytime a couple of psychos of the Islamic persuasion do something horrific. Oh the humanity they scream as they run off to buy more guns they fear they won't have when the non existent gun grabber in chief grabs them.

The tragedy, no the TERRORISM, there I said it, in Paris is truly a slap in the face of everyone, especially Muslims who will now the brunt of low IQ types who will call for mosque bombings and bombing Mecca and deporting anyone who doesn't pass the cardboard test. These murderers, TERRORISTS, said it again, are an enemy to all people with the sense to have some fun now and then and not sit around trying to find someone to hate and blame.

When the French finally catch these scumbags, and they will catch them because France is not composed of pansy throwing pussies like most tough guy 'Mericans think, let's hope they get taken alive and spend the rest of their days rotting in some French jail. Maybe they could actually have the time to read the fucking Koran and not listen to a pedophile con man tell them what's in it. Ya know all that shit not in the Koran some dummy believes that benefits the con man. The underaged girls, the power of telling somebody else to kill themselves while you retire to your room with another underaged girl, the power to roll your eyes and act like an imbecile on tape before retiring to your room with another underaged girl, the power to make a lot of scaredy cat Americans shit their pants before THEY retire to their room cuddling their Glock.

I have no love for any religion. They are all bullshit. Based on fear and run by people who become so wealthy conning the rubes that that eye of the needle is just something they'll pay to have made bigger, like their mistresses boobs.

I am not a fan of political cartoonists, satirical cartoonists or even Seth McFarland, but their right to draw whatever they want, whether it be Jerry Falwell boning his mother in an outhouse or some slovenly Frenchman frenching the almighty prophet, is absolutely guaranteed by even the most restricting of so called gods.

Yeah they are guaranteed, Said and Cherif. because your god doesn't exist. He doesn't exist anymore than the god who killed the first born of every Egyptian or pulled that dick prank on Abraham exists.

Catch them, France.

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Man Of The Year!


If you are born into a Catholic home, raised by Catholic parents, forced into attending Mass every Sunday (which is kind of like watching the same football game on tape with about 5 different halftime shows over and over), and sentenced to Catholic schooling, well congratulations, you are me. And chances are you retired from the cult years ago.

However, the culture will probably never leave you. Oh damn, they know what they are doing. Install guilt. Beat the impure thoughts out of your head. Teach you things that even the most superstitious among us would scoff at. Root for Notre Dame. Don't eat meat during Lent on Friday unless of course St. Patricks Day falls on a Friday during Lent and then we can get that special permission directly from the Corned Beef King in the Sky. Give lots of money to the parish and to the archbishop's slush fund. And oh yeah, think about the poor folk now and then. But not too much cuz we have that covered. Trust us.

Enough of my bitterness.

I love the new guy. Sorry, lefties, I know the church is an evil gay hating, women hating, child molesting criminal organization that if not untouchable would be broken into a million pieces by various District Attorneys not currently involved in sheltering killer cops caught on tape murdering people. But it's better than it was before the new guy.

Pope Francis hooked me on day one. I don't know if the fact he rode the bus to work, hugged people with horrific boils all over their bodies, or hugged people without faces without going whoaaaaaaa had anything to do with my being suckered into Francis-mania but it helped.

It also helps when the very Catholics that drove me into the underground are very angry with this guy. Conservative Catholics, which permeate the Midwest, have always been the thorn in my paw. From showing up to Mass in the Cadillacs, to the obsession with abortion, to the bigotry, to excusing the plight of the poor with the laziness card, these so called Catholics, which did I mention permeate the Midwest, stuck in my craw for years and years until I became an adult who could say no more.

And now they are mad at Pope Francis for daring to make them uncomfortable in their smugness and resolute bullshit belief that no matter what they do, a short talk with a paid off parish priest and a couple of Hail Marys will make them better than you once again. Stay mad, motherfuckers. Cuz for now, it's our time.

Our time? Yes, our time. Those of us who left because of the conservative nonsense have our guy. A guy with enough smarts to say ayyyyyy what the fuck is this Cuba embargo? A guy smart enough to say ayyyyyyy stop raping the land and pay attention to this climate change stuff. A guy smart enough to say enough with this abortion obsession and yes, D&C's for Catholic girls can't fool me. A guy savvy enough to put the whole gay deal on the backburner cuz like he knows a lot of them. And a guy comfortable in his own self to take selfies while wearing a red clown nose.

Keep plowing ahead Pope Francis. Oh I am not back by any means. But I'm not driving by Catholic churches on Saturday nights and being appalled at the "faithful" who attend Mass then so they can go out drinking, whoring and acting like assholes later just so they don't have to get up Sunday morning. Well that's not true of course I still do that but it's not as prevalent as when the German was in charge.

Conservative Catholics. An oxymoron for sure. What happened to the Pope's infallibility? What da Pope says goes cuz he's getting it directly from God. Hmmm??

Did I mention conservative Catholics permeate the Midwest?

Saturday, December 27, 2014

Annie Bobadook!


You can't go from 60 to 120 much better than seeing Annie at 10 am and The Babadook at 5 pm. Wow, my brain almost exploded from eating sugar and candy at noon to becoming a healthy eating vegan by 6:30.

Annie

This remake or original version or black version or whatever you wanna call it has been universally crapped on by every critic in the Hotel Smug they hang out in. Ok fine. I've never seen Annie in any version. No stages, no movie theaters, no television, hell I'm so old I just remember the comic strip with the big eyes and the dog that goes arf and the leapin lizards exclamation.

But take away my movie snob card cuz I loved it.

This kid with the big hair, Quvenzhané Wallis, she just makes me feel good. She stole Beasts of the Southern Wild as an 8 year old and she steals this movie as a ten year old. She is a freakin joy to watch.

Jamie Foxx generally annoys me but makes this work. Rose Byrne, Bobby Cannavale, Cameron Diaz and a group of little girls so perfect makes this movie win.

All I can say is there wasn't one moment I wanted to leave. And that is a winner.

And for all those who think hackers leaking Annie was a 9/11 type attack, sorry, the 9/11 type attack was releasing The Interview.


The Babadook

I really don't like so called horror movies. What with the slashing and the misogyny and the violence they just bore me.

I also don't like it when critics start yakking how a movie is the scariest movie in 40 years or 10 years or ever. Because I know the hype is going to ruin it for me.

Quite simply, if you want to jump and scream and hide your eyes and see people's heads get chopped in half, forget it. The Babadook is not scary. That way. But if you are a parent, and remember how much your screaming, snotty, never stop talking brat used to make you think "I am going to break your fucking neck" this movie will get under your skin and into your head.

The Babadook scares you like Hitchcock used to scare you. That is a compliment, trust me.

The Babadook is a kid's book. A scary character who enters your house and won't leave. Like your relatives a couple of days ago. But the Babadook will also make you do things you want to do, but would never do. Like break your hollering wretch of a kid's neck.

The Babadook is about a single woman and her little boy. The father was killed taking her to the hospital to have the boy. The inner workings of the human brain are in full force. She hates that kid for killing her husband. She loves that kid cuz he's all she has. The Babadook enters the house and plays one against the other.

It really is a great movie, but not because of what you may have heard. It's not going to scare you that much, and it probably will not resonate with men as much as it will with women, but it really is a different kind of movie. And being from a first time director, it is a wonderful debut.




Friday, December 26, 2014

File The Lawsuit At 4:20!


First of all, just look at that picture above. Those two, uhhhhh, gentlemen, are the two, uhhhh, fellas that the voters of this state, uhhhhhh, Nebr-cool on the right side of the map, cave people on the left-aska, elected twice to be their Governor and Attorney General.

The guy on the right, the little fella with the I'm watching little fella porn look on his face is our esteemed Governor, Dave Heineman. A man so popular that even after his total indifference to whom he hired to run the state prison system resulted in violent criminals being let out of jail early and killing and raping and rooting for Miami, that he leaves office with a 60% approval rating. Mostly because those loons on the left side of the map see an (R) next to your name and think yer automatically good people. But he will soon be gone to be replaced by a trust fund kid named Ricketts who will run the state in much the same way. Shitty.

The guy on the left. Wow, what a piece of ,uhhhhh, work this guy is. That's our Attorney General,Jon Bruning, also soon to be leaving and to be replaced by a guy with an (R) next to his name cuz of freedom!

Jon Bruning has decided to go out with a spark. Jon Bruning doesn't much care for the pot, the weed, the MJ, grass (I'm old),reefer, the kind, the herb, oh hell, he just thinks it's called loco weed and it made Popeye go nuts once after Bluto spiked his spinach. But Bruning is gonna save all of us poor innocent Nebraskans from the drug cartel that is called Colorado. And he has joined up with another genius attorney general from Nebraska south, Okla-whole state is nuts-homa, to sue Colorado so they have to stop selling pot to its citizens legally cuz they voted that way. You know, Jon, the way the dopes here voted you into office twice?

Bruning and Okie Boy, soon to be joined by Kansas if they can find enough money there in Brownback-Ville, are trying to get the Feds to put a stop to the wackiness in Colorado cuz of federal law and shit. You know, the Feds? The guy Bruning and his ilk hate cuz he's black, uhhh, cuz of state's rights! The Feds? The ones who implement Obamacare that the little guy, Heineman, won't take Medicaid money for. Yeah those Feds.

Bruning thinks cuz the citizens of that hippie state legalized the pot, that all the people who go there to buy it legally all bring tons and tons of it back to Nebraska and that Buford T Justice has to arrest them and keep em in jail cuz of freedom, that it costs too much money to incarcerate these drug addled freaks and the tiny little counties out in JesusLand will all go broke.

Ok Bruning. Whatever you say. Ans state's rights guy, Little Davey, is all in his corner cuz of, oh hell I don't even know anymore.

Bruning is a former liberal pothead from way back. Writing about pro choice and legalizing pot back when he was employed by the college newspaper suddenly Bruning found the way to riches and fame in this state came NOT from those views but by being a right wing wacko. And thus, the transformation happened. All of that past shit is just being young and stupid.

Bruning asked all Colorado's border states to take part in his little lawsuit. Only Oklahoma was fucking dumb enough to bite on Bruning's blunt.

But instead of taking it to his mind and saying maybe these other redneck states won't joint, errr, join my little temper tantrum, perhaps it's not a good spending of that taxpayer money I so wish to save. Fuck no. I'm Jon Bruning and what I say goes.

Ok fine. Bruning is Bruning. He's run for U.S. Senate and lost. He's run for Governor and lost. Thus, logic tells me even the nutjob Republicans don't really care for this fish eyed son of a bitch. Maybe the other Attorneys General in fellow redneck states see him coming and go fuck I''m not in. But he trudges on, with the support of a guy whose growth was obviously stunted form something, to tell the hippies in Colorado what's good for them. Or maybe he just wants money.

He has sued to keep casinos out of Iowa. He has thrown legally married 22 year olds into jail for statutory rape. He has said that his answer to prison overcrowding is to stuff 6 inmates into one cell if you have to.

Yep, that's our Jon Bruning. A complete phony, a cynic, a con man and a cancer survivor. Oh yeah did I tell you that? Jon Bruning got colon cancer. He survived. He informed everybody who would listen he was changed man.

But who would have thought that after surviving cancer, and being a changed man, that a total dick would become an even bigger dick?

Stick that in your bong and smoke it.

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Merry Christmas!


Merry Christmas to all. Lock yourselves in for one long ass day. Christmas music! Santa Claus in the spirit!

But always remember what the greatest of them all said.

Have a great day!

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

The Interview!


You have to be kidding me. This movie caused all that shitstorm of activity about free speech and freedom and terrorists winning and all that bullshit?

First of all, the terrorists already won back on 9/11/01 when they gave the neo-cons, the defense industry, and the war profiteers all the reason they needed to scare the shit out of the American public and start makin money again after the lull of the 8 years of peace and prosperity of the Clinton years. So fuck that. THEY WON 13 YEARS AGO! Patriot Acts, NSA, Haliburton, wars, Gitmo, torture, Republican sweeps, War Criminals running the beacon of freedom in the world. Congrats to them. Suppressing a piece of shit like the Interview was the kindest thing terrorists have ever done. Too bad I was too dumb to just say thank you and relax.

The Interview is a two hour exercise in stupidity. Yeah yeah, stupid can be funny but this particular stupid is just, well, stupid. Making fun of Asian names? Dong? Hahahahahaha! Agent Fock and You? Hahahahahaha. If that amuses you when its done by someone other than a dipshit San Francisco TV station, well knock yourself out.

To even discuss this digital dump is a waste of time. It sucks like nothing has ever sucked before. James Franco is just wasting his talent. Seth Rogan is just getting wasted. On our dime.

So go ahead and contribute to the misguided notion that if you fork over $6 and watch this cess pool of a movie you have somehow saved America from terrorists. Freedom of speech is saved. U S A U S A!

Unfortunately, your mind will not be saved.

Go see something that will improve your mind. Save THAT kind of freedom of speech. Saving the type of freedom of speech The Interview touts just encourages the pricks at Sony to make more of this toxic bullshit.

And to the hacker, the ex-Sony employee, the disgruntled worker who hacked Sony. You should be running that studio, dude. You are brilliant.