Sunday, June 21, 2015
18 1/2 years ago I became a father. It is a cliche' to say it was the best day of my life, a throwaway line yelped by athletes and politicians lying as usual, however, I mean it.
Max has been a godsend, and I don't even believe in God, well at least your God. His very existence has made my life meaningful when before he came along, it was a life of emptiness and depression. A life of excess and nonsensical self destruction.
So today on Father's Day, I say, Happy Father's Day to all. You fathers all know what I mean.
Sunday, March 8, 2015
Get into your barns, hide in your haystacks, go barricade your church, Judge Joe Bataillon (Activist Judge Galore-Ne) has again told the citizens of Nebraska nahhhhhh you can't vote civil rights up or down, nahhhhhhhh you can't penalize kids who have two mommies or two daddies, nahhhhhh you can't be a bunch of dicks who love to watch guys jump on each other and stick their hands into another guy's crotch 12 or 13 times a year. Nope, your 70% ban on gay marriage is over. Again. He has already done this once in 2006 and some fucktard from the 8th US Dumbfuck Appeals Court said ewwwwwwwwwwww, two men kissing. Keep the ban.
But before y'all start bookin the gay flights to this Midwestern paradise to get hitched, just remember, we are a very polite sort of folks. Rocking the boat is ok , not popular, but ok. But tippin the damn thing over is just not civil. Even if it involves getting people the same rights everybody else has that's something that the people west of the Lincoln Airport need some getting used to. So Judge Joe did what any nice polite Nebraskan would do. He said no gay marriage now, you have to wait a week or so, till March 9th to be exact, and THEN you can flood the courthouses and send all the christian lady court clerks into A Fib.
This of course gave that dipstick attorney general and our trust fund baby Governor time to sniffle and cry to that same fucktard Court of Appeals that waaaaaaa that "activist judge" made a boo boo on the the Nebraska Constitution (everytime I hear that term I can't help but LOL, for chrissakes, you still can't legally teach German in this state)and we can't handle the tsunami of gays that will flood our little paradise and make out in public and all that icky shit they do. Unless they can run a 4.4 40 ,well then, keep it under your hat. Go Big Red!!!
Bataillon is right of course. Banning civil rights aint kosher. But he also knew that none of the gays could get married cuz he gave the powers that be plenty of time to throw a tantrum and get a stay of execution on our precious Nebraska Constitution (LOL.....for goodness sakes if you have the clap, you can't legally marry here). They did of course stopping me from the joy (once again denied) of seeing Bishops and pastors and superstitious nitwits go into apoplexy over two chicks or even ickier, two guys, apply for a marriage license and bring Gawwwwwwwwds wrath down on Nebraska and make the football team go 8-4 or something.
But it's coming. Like a giant porn compilation of facials, you bigoted clowns are about to be screaming "Enough"! The blacks, the Indians, the Mexicans and now the gays gettin rights we all have? What is this country coming to?
Fairness, that's what. So fuck off, bigots.
And to our trust fund baby Governor, who has a gay sister. You, my bald headed lisping friend, can truly fuck off.
Saturday, February 28, 2015
As little as I care that Brian Williams exaggerated his getting blown out of the sky in a chopper in Iraq, oh yeah he didn't but one got shot down an hour before so it's sort of like it was shot down, I care less about Bill O'Reilly being a bloviating liar. Hello, folks, who didn't buy the fact O'Reilly wasn't the big 6 foot 4 bully who was full of shit and used his size and loudness to "win' arguments? Who? Oh yeah, his 70 plus Fox demo. But who not in latter stages of Obamaheimers disease takes this Irish meathead seriously?
O'Reilly is that 7th grade teacher you had, one of the few men teachers, who loudly came across as a total dick, full of himself, and thought he was so cool and hip that who wouldn't walk up to him in 10 years and say "Oh Mister O'Reilly, you were so tough on us, but so fair". Who? Nobody, that's who. Because O'Reilly IS a total dick, full of himself and so out of it he probably still calls young uns "street toughs" or "delinquents".
O'Reilly has been a liar since he punted for the Marist football team and then claimed he was an All American. Marist did have a football team and he may have kicked a few balls for them. Those two facts may be true. After that it's all pretty much another O'Lielly story. Marist had a club football team back when young Billy was falafa-ing the coeds at dear old Marist. Club football is kind of like intramurals, no it IS intramurals. Last time I looked the only "All American" for intramural sports was me. Cuz I said so that's how.
O'Reilly is that Uncle who drinks too much, gathers the eye rolling kids around and starts telling them how when he was a kid back in Levittown or Westchester or wherever the fuck he's from this week, he was "young tough" who didn't take any shit from nobody and protected all the weaklings from the bullies. Just like he protects the "folks" now. By protecting his millions from anybody grabbing it from him and selling Factor keychains to dummies.
Oh Billo. Nobody will fire you at Fox. In fact you should double down on the bullshit and start telling people how you singlehandedly killed Bin Laden, personally brought down oil prices to weaken Putin, and am actually the brains behind Jay Z and you also nail Beyonce whenever you like.
Go ahead Billy. Make shit up to make the "folks" go "yeah that guy tells it like it is"......translation " I'm an idiot stuck in the 1950's and believe everything I want to hear cuz its on TV".
Keep on believing Fox News viewers. Keep on believing O'Relly is actually sitting there at 8pm (EST) putting the libs in their place. Uh, he's not. Bill O'Reilly live really aint gonna make it. He proved that years ago.
Whatever you think, he does NOT "do it live". He gets very angry if he has to "do it live".
He should "do it live". At least he's entertaining then.
Sunday, February 22, 2015
Sorry,'Merica. When Seth Rogen, hardly an intellectual giant, said that American Sniper was like the Nazi propaganda film in the third act of Inglorius Basterds, he was uhhhh right. The problem with Rogen is he used that dreaded word that makes you lose arguments immediately, Nazi. Don't say "Nazi". It pisses people off. You lose all credibility when you say something is just like "Nazis", unless of course you're a dumbass right wing nut and say that Obummer is the modern day equivalent of "Nazis". Than you are right on. Again, if you're really dumb.
American Sniper is a perfectly good film. Made by a perfectly good director. Starring perfectly good actors (except for that fake baby, whoaaa). If it was made about fictional characters (which you could argue it was) it would be Enemies At The Gate and get no Oscar nominations. It would be Fury.
Buy since it's about an American "hero", a dead "hero", its become as mandatory for you to see as The Passion of The Christ was years ago. You must go to this movie to have yer patriot card stamped. And you must love it. You must go to twitter and say you loved it. And if you are really stupid and angry you must seek out people who didn't fall to their knees in tears and tell them what pieces of shit they are. Cuz killin furriners is so Fuck Yeah America!
I didn't hate this movie like I hated The Passion of The Christ. That slasher film was a fucking monstrosity made by an anti-Semitic drunken sadist. American Sniper was made by a legendary Hollywood director who is so hit and miss anymore he probably needs to take another week or so to finish what he does. Cuz the fake baby...holy embarrassment, Clint.
This IS a propaganda film. Other than the "translator" character who speaks perfect English, every Iraqi, Syrian, whatever is a magic carpet riding bad guy. I can't even begin to tell you of the bad shot this is. However, if you're an angry white guy, or an angry white woman, or an angry self hater , or just plain angry that 1950's America is gone forever, you love this movie. Killin bad guys, baby. Dirty Harry goes global. Yeah!
Now I like killin bad guys in movies as much as anybody. Taken, John Wick, even Dirty Harry. Love it. But this aint fiction. This is supposedly true. If you're not that bright, or in denial, or just plain mad that there's a lot of those dark skinned folks running shit now, you love this movie. It's all true!! Chris Kyle was the best American ever! He killed 160 bad guys. Confirmed!
Uh no. It's not true. It's propaganda and it tells the story of a flawed man who was, quite frankly, full of shit and deeply troubled. I saw no difference. morally, between the Chris Kyle character and the Syrian sniper. Both are foreigners in a strange land sticking their noses into shit they don't need to be involved in. Period. The only problem here is the Syrian sniper isn't real. Kyle was. Sorry, but the American Sniper didn't shoot 7 miles away or whatever and blast the Mustafa made up guy thru the noggin. They made that up.
I really hate to get into that whole Iraq thing again, but it was truly the worst foreign policy lie ever. Yep, worse than LBJ, or Hearst, or Wilson, or any other American leader eager for the war profiteers to make some goddamned money and sacrifice the deluded Chris Kyles of the country for profits. And they fool people into believing the crap about God, country and family because it works. Fuck these war machine bastards.
Make a fictional movie about an American Sniper taking out the real bad guys. The warmongers. That I'd go see. That would be mandatory for me, not biblical slasher films and bullshit propaganda films justifying an immoral war.
Sorry about that. Rah fucking Rah.
Saturday, February 21, 2015
It is Oscar time again. I FINALLY have now seen all 8 movies nominated for Best Picture, the last one was a freakin hot and cold torture movie to watch but it's finally done.
Now I can say what I feel are the Best 10 I saw in 2014, or which came out in 2014.
10) Begin Again
It has Mark Ruffalo, it has Keira Knightley, it has that kid from True Grit and it has catchy pop songs. Who knew Keira could sing? Who knew they could write a movie about a 40 something male who does not end up, oops I about blew it. Let's just say if you like music, the business, these actors, and can put up with Adam Levine and Cee Lo for a few moments, this one may do it for you. By the way, the ending. Great. Unexpected.
9) Only Lovers Left Alive
I had time to kill one day. This one looked "interesting". Tilda Swinton, Tom Hiddleston, John Hurt, Detroit, and Vampires. Let's just say it was very interesting. Dark, strange and right up my alley. Never been a Jim Jarmusch fan, until now.
This is a modern day Taxi Driver. Jake Gyllenhaal is Travis Bickle wandering the streets of LA at night when comes upon a new line of work. Free lance news. He not only covers it, he creates it and inevitably becomes it. Jake Gyllenhaal deserved an Oscar nomination at the very least. He is fantastic.
You expect nothing. And you get surprised. Much like when Taken came out years ago, this one got me. Keanu Reeves really hasn't made much of anything decent since River's Edge. But ,like Liam Neeson, he may have found a niche'. There's a scene in this movie, involving choreography so fine , in a club, that makes film geeks like me geek out big time. Phenomenal.
Get off Ben Affleck's ass. He's a fine talent. David Fincher is one of the best 3 directors out there. Rosamund Pike is a gift. The story is pulp novel shit but if you haven't read the book, see this movie. It has some truly shocking moments.
It's Catholic. It's Irish. It's about a man paying for other people's sins. It's truly biblical. And Brendan Gleeson is in it. It might not be what you expect.
4)The Imitation Game
Alan Turing's story is truly remarkable. How the Allies won WW2 behind the scenes, and that means without Brad Pitt and a tank crew from hell, is a great story.
I would have no problem with this movie winning everything. It truly is a unique experience. But it drags. A lot. Unless Ethan Hawke is onscreen. Still, this is a movie much like Being John Malkovich, in that if you want uniqueness in movies, you better support these types of films and stay the hell away from shit churned out to make money.
Christopher Nolan makes movies that make you yearn for more. Like Inception before it, Interstellar makes you think. It may give you a headache but it makes you go, ok I think I got it, oh noooo I don't....What more can you ask for from a movie? Great story, visually stunning and smart enough to make you have to use your noggin. And of course Michael Caine and Jessica Chastain.
The Best Movie of the Year is this.
J K Simmons will win the Oscar for being a maniacal jazz teacher. He is fascinating and you cannot take your eyes or ears off him. I can't condoine this guy's methods, in fact I despised him, but like R Lee Ermey in Full Metal Jacket, you'll remember him. Just my tempo. And one more thing, Paul Reiser is overlooked in this as the opposite of Simmons. He is so good in his subtlety, you won't even notice how goddam good he is.
There were others I liked...Birdman was good, will probably win, but it didn't make me remember it. And OF COURSE he doesnt have superpowers fro chrissakes. He's nuts.
The Babadook was positively Hitchcockian in its honesty and suspense.
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes was thrilling and almost as good as the first one. And a helluva lot better than the the original
The Homesman was a good western with a lot of talent doing favors for Tommy Lee Jones. Great cast. Decent story.
Life Itself was the best doc of the year. Period. And it didn't even get a nod. Disgraceful.
There were a lot of others I liked really not worth mentioning. But about that American Sniper movie...Later
Sunday, February 15, 2015
Yep, it's been a frustrating month. So much to write about yet no time since the corporate master decided to fuck with my hours. Or to a Fox News viewer, an obvious conspiracy to silence me by libtards. But off we go.
1) This Roy Moore fuckstick is a piece of work. Standing in the courthouse door, defying higher authorities who have told him to stand down, to fuck off, and asked if he was learning impaired. No gay marriage if the good judge Moore has anything to say. Well you don't, Uncle Gropey.
This is the same superstitious asshole who was removed from office in 2003 for not removing a gigantic stone full of gibberish from a state judicial building. Yet, as usual, running on the all white men are being persecuted by the libs and minorities, Judge Rest Stop was put back into office by the Alabama voter, aka people who spell Leonard Skinner funny.
Go ahead Judge Dungeon Dweller, stand in that door and put yourself into the history books written by smart people as a traitorous bigot forever and ever. For shear brilliance on Judge Wallace, errr, Moore see this. And learn why not to google "Brownback". Or the old legendary "Santorum".
2) Speaking of Brownback. Not that! No no no. I mean the Governor of Kansas so inexplicably re-elected by a bunch of Kansans with genetic defects so ingrained they couldn't vote any possible way but for some guy with an R next to his name.
Brownback, who actually ran for President in 2008 for about 5 minutes, has used Kansas as some sort of detention camp for poor folks by cutting income taxes for the wealthy by an average of more than your average poverty stricken Kansas resident makes in one year. He has in effect bankrupted the state. Begging corporations to come to Kansas, live off the taxpayers, and then move on to the next Republican Governor willing to suck their dicks.
Brownback has gotten his puppets in the Kansas Legislature (other than the guy from Lawrence THAT must be a chamber full of screeching monkeys) to restrict abortion to "protect" women's health, cut education budgets to the bone in order to keep his constituents ignorant, and has begun a process with the screeching monkeys in Topeka to pass laws allowing him, the almighty Brownback, to appoint judges on his own, no hearings, no nuthin, and stack an already mentally challenged Kansas judiciary with even more neanderthals.
Hey Brownie, as long as you are making your dominion the first step towards a Cormac McCarthy wonderland, why don't you STOP making me pay to drive on that shitty Kansas Turnpike I have to go on to get anywhere in that flatass state?
3) Brian Williams. Really? A guy who lied about something that did or did not happen in the Iraq War? And Brian Williams gets crucified over this?
He's a fucking news reader. He shows up at 30 Rock, sits in his chair, and reads better out loud than you or me. That's it! Oh but he goes on talk shows and embellishes his war stories. You know, kind of like American Saint and He Who Cannot Be Criticized, Chris Kyle. Or if you don't like the word "embellishment" how about he lied about Iraq. You know, like Cheney, Bush, Rice, Rummy, Powell, Wolfowitz, and about every single news person repeating Cheney Administration press releases as fact.
Ya know, the whole Brian Williams thing is so unimportant I can't even give a shit. Lester Holt, a man I know personally, well actually he just walked by me once so I figure I know him, is just as good at reading stuff out loud as Brian. So Brian, take your sabbatical, try and get a talk show gig where you can lie and lie and lie with no consequences. That's what you seem to have wanted all along anyway.
And also, 6 months gives you plenty of time to watch your spawn getting her salad tossed. Was that on the Food Network? I have no idea.
Saturday, January 24, 2015
There she is again. Headed for Iowa to climb out of the right wing clown car for this weekends "Iowa Freedom Summit" or as it is also known, Celebrity Jack Off of Iowa.
Hosted by the man with the viper mouth and gerbil brain, Representative Steve King (R-State That Thinks Way Too Much Of Itself), this "Freedom Summit", gathers some of the people that so amuse us yet at the same time frighten us because way too many 'Mericans vote and too few Americans do.
Oh you know. people with a "servants heart" like Governor Grifter of Alaska who enjoys posing for selfies in front of vulgar signs she so abhors so much she signs them. Yep, Palin will be there. Teasing her stupid supporters with threats of running for President in 2016 so they keep sending her money so she can live the lifestyle she and her clan of Northern swindlers have become accustomed to since John McCain (Grrrr-Az) unleashed her on the rest of us, Palin continues play both sides of ever issue. Vulgarity in the defense of psychotic patriot killers is no vice.
Others that will be slithering to Iowa to lick Steve King's calves will be the likes of "short fingered vulgarian" Donald Trump who I assume will tell the gathering of hillbillies that he wants to tell Obama "yer fired" and they will roar with delight at the obvious.
Rafael Cruz (R-Canada) will be there. Tedward will sweat profusely on his upper lip and be totally serious while the rubes shake their heads and decry what that African has done to their nation even though they really have no idea what that is other than winning two elections and being black and born in another country called Hawaii. You know, furrin born. Like Cruz.
Chris Christie (Suckass-Dallas) will take a break from dry humping Jerry Jones' leg to make some sort of hopeless attempt to appeal to a bunch of people who think he's just another mook libtard from Jersey who actually touched Obummer once.
Mike Huckabee (R-Fox) will roll into town on a chariot of fire decrying the evil of one Beyonce Knowles, the woman he thinks of when he secretly goes into the Huckabee bathroom and eats jelly donuts and jacks it to All The Single Ladies. Huckabee will have them eating out of his hand (if theres any left) quoting scripture and popping a stiffy as he imagines himself as one Shawn Corey Carter and being able to outpunt his coverage with a fine sister.
The Santorum (R-Vatican City) will ooze into Iowa so put those bread bags on your feet if you know what's good for you.
Rick Perry (Closet Case-Tx) is there. Well let's say Perry is supposed to be there. Shit, he may end up in Idaho the way his melon works. Where is everybody?
Scott Walker (Shitstain-Wi) is bringing his cheesewagon to town. Walker will be trying to fit in with the hilljacks by decrying the fact that "the Green Bays really blew it against the Seattles" and smiling like a Koch Brother just acknowledged his existence.
Newt Gingrich (Babe Magnet-Ga) is there. Why? Checking for a new wife in Iowa perhaps? Sorry Newt, Joni Ernst is hitched. To a bigger sexist asshole than you.
Marsha Blackburn R-Who Cares) will be there with all that Southern charm, kind of like when the school marm tells you she's only beating your ass cuz she loves ya. Maybe she can confuse Iowa's borders with Ohio borders or something to keep those damned
Ben Carson (Plagiarist-Md) will be there to stir up the crowd of hicks with someone else's words.
And the rest of delusional con artists attempting to convince dumb people that they too, are as dumb as good old Iowa dirt.
Mike Lee (Maybe is Dumb as Dirt-Ut), Chuck Grassley (Original Dirt-Ia), Carly Fiorina (Good Luck with the Dirt-Ca), John Bolton (General Jack D Ripper-Crazy Town) and of course, what Gathering of Nuts would be complete without an appearance by the old Wonder Bread enthusiast herself, Joni Ernst.
Prepare to laugh Iowa. We are laughing at you already, and not in that hot Joni Ernst way.