Friday, April 29, 2016

This Week In Crazy!


If you can't smell the sulfur coming off that photo get your smelling checked. As Bob Dole once said its evil eviler and evilest or something like that. Ted Cruz picked a running mate for his imaginary presidential campaign this week and picked an imaginary human to boot. Carly Fiorina, a woman who makes Heidi Cruz seem like a grinning morning show host, is the perfect match to Cruz's vampire like persona. If he finally did bite her on her neck, what would come out? Vinegar?

This match up, of course a desperate attempt to pull the stupid women's vote away from Donald Trump, is often compared to the 1976 attempt by a losing Saint Ronald of Reagan to knock off the sleepy Gerald Ford by picking a moderate Senator from Pennsylvania named Richard Schweiker as his running mate before the convention. That didn't work , sorry Reagan apostles who think the man never made a bad decision in his life, and this won't either. Well first of all because this isn't 1976 when Republicans worshiped their money and didn't give two shits about that religious bullshit and the snake handling trailer dwellers who never voted. Second of all because Schweiker was an actual human with feelings and empathy and not a creepy ice queen from Once Upon A Time. And third of all, and how it pains me to say this, but Ted Cruz is no Saint Ronald De Reagan of Hollywood. Reagan The Good would look at Cruz, tilt his head and say in that grampa voice, "Well Ted, or whatever your name is, you're fucking nuts".

Donald Trump, LOL, made some sort of foreign policy speech this week to show how presidential he is. Toning it down, by not calling Angela Merkel a kraut I guess, Trump said the same old shit he's been spouting off to idiots for months, but in a much more boring way. America First, yayyy! Just like Charlie Lindbergh in 1939. Don't mess with 'Merica. Yay!!!! We're number one!! Yay!!! Trump's speech was praised by the suck ups of the Republican Has Been Club who have now decided that Trump is the best way to poke those stuffed shirts in the monocle. Yeah, people like Gingrich and the rest of the bitters know deep down this guy is a 60-40 loser to HER, but what the fuck. May as well ride the coaster right off the cliff and get some attention, right? Ann Coulter, the sadly brattish has been, called it the greatest foreign policy speech since 1981, which I assume was when she was only 150 years old.

Trump looks like he is inevitably going to take the Republicans down into a black hole of sludge so deep they may take 2 whole years to recover. Because in 2018 the old white people who vote put the Republican neanderthals back into Congress while millennials stay home and do whatever it is that will be hip in 2018. Sorry but I dont subscribe to the Trump= Death of the Republican Party Monthly. He is a blip on the radar screen of American History. A bit of American History X for sure, but just a blip. He is a clown, an entertainer, a pied piper for dumbasses. And he will lose, big, No I am not going to be sorry for what I wished for ,pundits. Trump is going to get crushed by HER. Period.

Finally, though I am still Feelin The Bern because there is no politician on earth I like more than Bernie Sanders, he looks old, and tired. Exhausted. 74 years old is still 74 years old. Bernie has energy and spunk and is clearly energized by the youngs and the olds like me who worship him for telling them they can go to college for free and Wall Street is the criminal class in this country. Never have I heard a successful politician say what he says and get so many votes. I've seen them all. I loved McGovern, I loved Kennedy, I loved Mondale, and well I really liked Jerry Brown and Gary Hart and Obama but Bernie Sanders strikes something in me and has since he was Mayor of Burlington,Vermont. I love the man. I want him around for a long long time. But Senator Sanders, you know it, I know it, the system is rigged against people like us. 1972 haunts Democrats to this day. That loss to Nixon has stained the soul of this party for way too long. Republicans dont give a shit about 1964 or 2008 or 2012, they just double down and get even more crazy. And they fucking win now and then. And its a disaster of monumental proportions. But they just keep on pumping the trickle down and the abortion and the evil gays and now the bathroom pervs who will molest your little girls and it works. Well it works well enough that if you suppress the poor vote and piss off old people and superstitious people with the means to go to the polls you can win on local and state levels. Too bad the Democrats haven't gotten over '72. Bernie Sanders was that way, but be safe, Dems, and nominate another corporate lackey with a penchant for hawkishness and just not as bad as Trump appeal. When will Democrats learn that no matter what you do, say, or think, the conservatives hate you. Always have always will. Because they want to. Because Rush or Levin or Fox tells them to. So, Bernie, it was a good fight again, but lets face it, we aint gonna win. And get some sleep, man.

Sunday, April 24, 2016

I Don't Get It!!!!


I will be the first to admit this. I didn't get it. And I am not speaking ill of the dead here, but I am just admitting what may well be a flaw in my head, I didn't get Prince. He broke in the 80's. Didn't get it. Purple Rain hit the theaters. I didn't even like it. The symbol. Didn't get it. All of it. Sorry.

Prince died at age 57 this week. Prescription drugs? Seems to be the killer of the rich and famous the last few years. It also kills the poor, the middle class, the young, the old, the not so famous rich, everybody. But its all ok cuz the drug companies are doing it and not the dealer down the street. You aren't found dead in a back alley with a needle sticking out of your arm nowadays, you are found dead in your nice bed or lying on the bathroom floor. How quaint.

Prince was no doubt a genius. He was truly a creative maniac. But alas, even though he tragically died of whatever, didn't get it.

This reminds of other things people love that I don't get. And remember, I am a guy who can shuffle the I Pod and hear Korn or Mettalica followed by a nice pop tune from Abba or Bread for chrissakes. I get Abba but I don't get:

1) Queen--Sorry. I know Freddie Mercury was an icon prancing around singing songs unlike anything we'd ever heard. Killer Queen intrigued me when I first heard it. Then nothing else. Bohemian Rhapsody? Couldn't turn it off fast enough. Bicyele. Same. Under Pressure? Genius. Thanks, David Bowie.

2) Talking Heads-- Take Me To The River was fantastic. The cover of the Al Green classic was a perfect blend of soul and awkward white guy. Loved it. Then. Nothing. MTV came along and all this David Byrne guy became was a clown in a huge suit slapping his forehead. Not a fan. I preferred the Tubes.

3) Aerosmith- Saw them open for ZZ Top in 1974. Christ they were billed below Sugarloaf on the bill. But I saw potential in the Mick Jagger imitation. And then came the shit. You love em, I probably hate this band more than any other.

4) Madonna-- she came along with her gloves and her hats and her squeaky voice and her 14 year old girl music and I didn't get on board. Yeah 20 something white guys werent her demo but man this was lousy. It stayed that way. She's in it to shock. Big deal. Nothing was better than in her self aggrandizing movie Truth or Dare when Warren Beatty, hardly an adult himself, basically told her to grow up.

5) Silence of The Lambs--rad the book. Loved the book. Saw the movie. Hated every second of it. A high class slasher flick. Maybe my admiration of Manhunter, the Michael Mann movie from 1986 that stayed true to the book and didn't glorify what was actually a minor character in Hannibal Lechter.

6) Seinfeld--I watched very little of this show. I didnt have to. At the time I was part of a lunch group that on Fridays would talk about nothing but Seinfeld. I got sick of it. I tried to watch it and even though now that I do not have to hear about it I really see part of its appeal, but like th others, didnt get it. I watched the series finale with Seinfeld fans who hated it, and I liked it. Rot in jail you self centered assholes. I got that.

7) Friends--I can honestly say this. Just the song at the beginning turned me off and I never ever watched a single episode. So I guess I dont get it.

8) Coffee--tried to like the flaming hot liquid that on its own smelled so damn good. But couldn't develop the taste for it. Put whipped cream on it or pour vanilla in it or put my name on the cup, sorry, I dont get it. I'm an old guy who still drinks Diet Mountain Dew.

9) Cruises--Floating around on a boat with thousands of others isn't my idea of fun. I'd rather jump overboard and float on a door than walk around trapped on a bobbing theme park. But thats just me. I dont get it.

10) Super Hero Movies-- good lord I dont care. I saw Batman V Superman and the best part was the part that a lot of nerds flipped out over. Ben Affleck as Batman. He was fine. No he was great. I get that. But at the 2 hour mark when that Orc showed up and the movie became a CGI shitfest, I stopped getting it. Stop going to these movies. Please.

11) Catholocism--Oh I get the culture, I am one. Culturally this cult is brilliant in its brainwashing techniques. There is still some of it left in me I cannot get rid of. All that social justice shit they taught you but didn't mean never left me. But the rules? The things grown adults do after i assume they have reasoning enter their lives. Ashes on your head? Wipe em off for chrissakes. Fish on Friday? You are a grown man or woman. Eat what you like on whatever day you like. Finding a church in a strange city while on vacation so you can recite the script you memorized years before? Dont get it.

12) $30K a Year Republicans-- who actually gets that? Oh yeah, the Republican con artists do. In a scene from a Netflix show I am not sure I get, Orange is the New Black, a character I not only dont get but hate, Piper, asks another convict on a flight to a new prison what lies below them and the convict says "Just a lot of people voting against their own interests". That may be why I keep watching that show. I totally got that.

So rest in peace, Prince. Maybe at some point I will get it. But for now, sorry.

Friday, April 15, 2016

Jackie Robinson!


I love baseball like no other sport. Sitting in a stadium watching a ball game is my greatest joy. It has been since the day in 1964 when my Dad took me to Wrigley Field and we saw the Giants beat the Cubs. God I still remember that day because it was the beginning of my addiction to a slow, boring, tedious activity that most people under the age of 50 don't care about. But I do. And part of that addiction is the sport's history.

Baseball pictures tell its story better than any other sport. What's the first NFL picture anyone cares about? It probably came in 1956 or so. Basketball? Come on, 1962 at best. Hockey,please. But baseball. The pictures are timeless.The above picture has always been in my Top 5. The sight of Jackie Robinson stealing home in the 1955 World Series is thrilling. And ominous. Wow!

Jackie Robinson Day is today in MLB.

Jackie Robinson is in again this week. The Ken Burns documentary aired this week on PBS and if you missed it, your loss. Jackie Robinson is perhaps the bravest American who ever lived. Whatever Jackie Robinson did from 1947 to 1956 was one of the most important things in American history. This man did more to change America (yeah not for the better, Trump supporters) than MLK or X or Farmer or anybody did. Jackie Robinson was the most important civil rights leader who ever lived. And he didn't even try. He just was.

Jackie Robinson stopped playing ball the year before I was born. But his presence allowed my favorite players to play. Willie Mays, Bob Gibson, Lou Brock, Rod Carew, Willie McCovey all had tough roads for sure but Jackie took the bullet first. And for that, Jackie Robinson is my favorite player ever.

Bubble Land!


Being a strict constitutionalist is a bitch these days. Why, every time you turn around there's a mob of libtards trying to take a dump on the constitution and oppress the very people who love this nation so much they cry at the very sight of an eagle.

What I'm talking about of course is voting. The Founding Fathers made it very very clear that voting was a right. A right. A right almost as important as being able to own guns, Almost. But these so called progressives (and we all know that's a PC term for godless commies) for some reason seem to think that voting is for everyone when the FF's certainly did not intend it to be for everyone. It's for white people. And anyone other than a guy who passes the cardboard test has just better let the FF's faves decide what is best for them. Yeah yeah white chicks can vote and that is a flaw that only a few people wish to correct. But come on folks. The great men who founded this super duper country didn't want the slaves voting. Or the immigrants, or the browns or the yellows or anyone who didn't own slaves or as they called it back then, "property".

And by God, the patriots that make up state legislatures all over America are gonna do something about it so that we aren't forced to endure another 8 years of a Kenyan socialist Marxist gay 'Merica hating sumbitch in that White House. Now the patriots that were all elected in very fair elections all over Red America in 2010 and 2014 got right on it. All this voter fraud rampant all over the greatest country on earth in 2008 and 2012 needs to be stopped. And they stopped it.

By passing all these wonderful laws that will only allow people who vote who deserve to America will be great again. Kris Kobach knows. The Secretary of State of Kansas. Elected twice by patriotic Kansans allo ver that forward thinking state. Ya see, the Secretary of State in a place like Kansas really doesn't do shit. So he has lots of time on his hands. Kobach sits around all day with nothing to do and thinks great thoughts. Just like the Scarecrow, who I think was elected as a legislator in Kansas after he got his free brain. Kobach runs all over helping to pass laws that will make America white great again. And it works. He came here to Nebraska a few years back and convinced the rubes that whites were being denied college admission cuz all the blacks were getting in instead cuz of affirmative action. So they outlawed it in this state. Now college is for anybody that can afford it, kind of like before that law was passed except now, goddamit, it's in writing. Unless you are a speedy football player of course, then we are called Nebr-AffirmativeAction-ska. GBR!!!

Kris Kobach, who looks like a guy trying to sell you an extended warranty on a 2007 Nissan. is persecuting prosecuting rampant voter fraud in Kansas. Well it must be rampant, you see, because Kansas only voted for Mittens Von Romney and Paul Bro Ryan by a margin of 60% to 38% over that foreign born Mooslim usurper. Obviously since it was not 80-20 (Lawrence exists after all so 100% is not possible) there had to be some sort of shenanigans going on. So Kobach is after the frauds. He has sent 6 people to court in the last 9 months and actually has a conviction. One. So dont tell me he isn't doing the Lord's work.

If you live in Kansas you have to register to vote within 21 days of the election to be able to vote Republican unless of course you read Spanish, then you have to register within 15 days. This is what Kobach's voter guide told the people who didnt learn to speak the English within 48 hours like his great great grandpappy did. Oh wait, it IS 21 days? Oh sorry for the error amigo. And that whole Spanish speakers vote on Wednesdays, well that's true, I think. Kobach is really doing white Jesus' work. Fuck him and his kid named Reagan,

Voter laws are meant to do one thing. Keep Democrats from voting. Keep non whites from voting. Keeping the "wrong" type of people from voting. Rig elections so white Republicants make it into office and start passing laws to keep dudes in dresses from going into girls bathrooms and molestin' their daughters cuz thats what all dudes in dresses do. It's in the Bible or something.

It's not gonna work. The demo isn't there. Your time has passed, olds. Trump isn't gonna save you from having the family with the funny name from moving in down the block. Trump or Cruz isn't stopping progress. Conservatives always lose eventually. It never fails. People have brains and the ability to think. Prejudice goes away as they meet more and more diverse people. If you live in Republican bubble land, that isn't changing of course. Ah Bubble Land, where everyone is white, my religion, thinks just like me, watches Fox news, and was convinced Lord Romney of Mormon Land was a shoo in, That land is a wasteland. It's still there, but the bubble is shrinking daily. It's called the fucking internet. It's called information. It's called CNN or BBC or whatever other station you don't watch pops up on your TV. It's called small town kids dying to get the hell out of Bubble Land. It's here, Kris Kobach and all your Secretary of Statin' down there in Kansas, home of wild farm land fires , aint gonna stop small town Johnny from Liberal, Kansas from wantin to move to a big city like Wichita and experience life. your Bubble Land is about to burst.

Boom! I can't wait.

Saturday, April 9, 2016

Rock Rocks!


It's about time. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame let Deep Purple in the door. One of the most influential rock bands of the late 60's and 1970's and couldn't get in because Jann Wenner can't stomach Ritchie Blackmore or whatever the reason was, Hey Jann, nobody likes Ritchie Blackamore, including the band members still around who wouldn't play with him last night and they are in their 60's and 70's for chrissakes. How bad can this guy be? But nonetheless, they are in. Finally.

Last nights Rock N Roll Hall of Fame ceremony was right in my wheelhouse. 1970's rock bands I really like and one rap group whose demo is not exactly me. But a rap group not singing about bitches and ho's but screeching Fuck The Police and in regards to that, this old white guy can actually get halfway on board.

Chicago was so unique in 1969. They had kickass guitars, hard driving songs, two lead singers so different voices that blended like peanut butter and chocolate, and then, horns. Lots and lots of horns. Who did that in 1969? Blood,Sweat and Tears? Ides of March? Yep, but Chicago did it better. Writing songs that are STILL played by every high school pep band in the world, this band just juggernauted the pop charts throughout the 1970's. And then came the night Terry Kath, the greatest guitarist and voice of white rock around, blew his brains out. When that happened, Chicago ceased to exist. Peter Cetera took over and Chicago became a sappy ballad band that belonged in casinos entertaining comped old people. But from 68-78, while Terry Kath was still there, Chicago rocked the world. I mean come on, listen to Make Me Smile or better yet, Dialogue, which contrasted the two voices that made this band so fucking great.

I saw Chicago at a casino a couple of years back, and neither Kath nor Cetera were there. But they still were passable. Entertaining as hell. They made us olds, and some youngs, very happy indeed.

Cheap Trick. I never really cared for Cheap Trick in their heyday. Too poppy. To ehhhh. Too chick for my tastes at the time. But then I saw them in 2011, with Max, at a casino in Vegas, performing Sgt Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band in its entirety. I didn't expect much. It was half price. It killed off an afternoon in a town I am really not fond of. Blasphemy! A Midwesterner not fond of Las Vegas? Yes we exist. But Cheap Trick opened with a male chorus singing I Am The Walrus and then launched into the album from start to end. And I loved it. Every freakin second of it. And then they did their own hits and I said wow, they really did have some great songs. Robin Zander is a very underrated front man and Rick Neilsen is a damn good guitarist and entertainer. I saw them last fall and Robin Zander can still bring it. What a voice,man.

Steve Miller. Did anyone have more Top 40 hits than this guy in the 1970's and 1980's? The guy had so many songs playing at various times throughout the 1970's and early 1980's you'd have thought he owned the radio station. But nothing ever matched hit # 1, Livin In The USA and nothing ever ended a string of hits like Abracadabra. But Steve Miller belongs in the Hall due to the longevity of his appeal. I've never seen him live, but on tape he seems to be having a lot of fun.

NWA isn't my cup of tea. Christ, Straight Outta Compton wasn't my cup of tea. Hell, they aren't even Public Enemy, who was my cup of tea (geezus how white can I be?). But despite old white guys not wanting rap in a Hall of Fame, they belong if for nothing else, Fuck The Police. A perfectly timed jam.

Deep Purple. Back in 1973 I drove a 1964 Rambler to Lincoln to see Deep Purple for my first concert at the old Pershing Auditorium. Despite the car needing to be rested halfway there as it overheated, we made it in time. My first concert. When the lights dimmed and the band came out and I heard the organ begin the playing of Highway Star I felt a rush I may have never felt since at any concert. Highway Star, perhaps the greatest opening song to any rock concert ever. A rush that makes you happy to be alive. At least it did me. Deep Purple epitomizes what I love about rock. Energy. Ian Gillan, Ritchie Blackmore, Jon Lord, Ian Paice and Roger Glover. That's Deep Purple to me. And they are finally in a totally meaningless Hall of Fame.

My life's mission is complete. Now onward to get Roger Maris into another meaningless Hall Of Fame.

Thursday, March 31, 2016

The Apprentice Politician!


Trump on abortion. Christ only knows how many that pig has paid for over the years but yesterday's yeah throw the sluts in jail answer to a barking dog's question was just so Trump. First of all you know he didn't mean any of it, as the frayed cards in his diseased brain flipped as he struggled to answer as he thinks his dopey followers think he should. There have to be consequences. Then as the yapping yorkie continued to yip and yip and as Trump tried to go to the Catholic card to trip up the ankle biter, the inevitable happened. Trump became Trump. Unable to shut the fuck up. Insert Made in China shoe into tiny lil Trump mouth.'

And the shitstorm started. How dare he say that? Women need to be punished for having an abortion? Harrumph! What a tone deaf jerk. It was so loud as professional yappers argued and told us how this was it, Trump was done, he'd alienated too many women now. The politicians jumped in even louder. Hillary was shocked beyond belief, so shocked she wanted a whole dollar from me. Bernie was like hey give me $5, Max's Dad, like he does everyday at least twice. Ted Cruz was like boy that Donald is not really conservative is he? Guess cuz Trump didnt want to stone women was a dead giveaway. Kasich, the adult, pretended he gave a damn right before he went off to further defund Planned Parenthood.

Yeah it was such a shitstorm that the only place you heard about it was on cable TV where the old reporters go to die and on talk radio where the untalented radio faces go to die. Everybody else? Don't care. Trump is a freak show. Doing a 180 on anything aint news with this guy. It's expected. The only thing Trump stays consistent on is how fucking great he is.

So calm down. Trump can say whatever he wants and the bigots and tough guys who follow him don't care. It's been proven time after time. Trump says something stupid, or arrogant, or bigoted, or sexist, and his numbers go nowhere but up, He's like Archie Bunker for 2016. There's a lot of people who don't get the joke. So stifle.

And besides let's face it. Cruz would turn America in The Handmaid's Tale if he got a chance. Kasich would also, but be really adult about it. Trump would change his mind so much it wouldn't matter what he said. Congress would just shrug and go about it's business while Trump was busy entertaining his dumbass fans.

Geezus I can't believe I'm even talking about this. The over/under on how many states any of theses 3 yahoos lose is 40. So keep talking ,Donald. It entertains your nitwit supporters, keeps Hillary and Bernie laughing, drives Cruz & Kasich crazy, and keeps the talking heads employed.

Chrissakes, Trump saying something outrageous happens almost as often as a mass shooting. At least his loud blathering doesnt' kill anything. Just wounds the sensitive ears of the professionally outraged. The media.