Sunday, February 3, 2013
Ray Lewis, Here's A Real Reason To Cry!
Since the Chicago Bears are never ever in the Super Bowl I usually have to decide on which Super Bowling team
I hate least and root for them while consuming mass quantities of stuff guaranteed to put me out like a Ray Lewis murder victim.
Ray Lewis. Yeah, that's more than enough to make me scream for the 49ers with the gusto of me attacking a sourdough bowl of clam chowder.
Ray Lewis, the orc-like dancing, crying, praying, attention seeking misdemeanor murderer. The gawd inspired bullshit artist father of 6. With 4 separate babes. Hey man, go for it, but don't feed me the Gawd horseshit while you are air locking some groupie with Ed Reed.
But the Ravens have more to hate. Ed Reed, the guy Tom Brady tried to spike in the ballsack. One of the few times I said right on about Tom Brady. Ed Reed, the man who thinks the NFL has "more important things to police" than keeping his brain intact when he's 40 and even dumber than he is now.
Bernard Pollard. The guy who knocks people silly with his helmet, tears knees apart, hurts other players on purpose and then complains the game isn't safe enough to even be played in 30 years. Yeah, because of muggers like you, Bernie!
Terrell Suggs. This guy is a piece of work, or something. He ripped his Achilles tendon while playing basketball, I mean, "conditioning" himself. He likes to beat his baby's mama with his football fists and drag her along in a car while he's driving away with his two kids in the vehicle. Oh yeah, and he has guns. Oops, not anymore. The cops came and took them away so he couldn't kill his baby's mama. Wink Wink.
Then there's those goddamned ugly ass, European League looking uniforms the Ravens wear. Black and purple. They look like my leg did after I fell off Devil's Tower last summer. Jesus, who the fuck designed those? Your average Baltimore resident? Incorporating their favorite colors, the color of a good beatin', and that gawdawful Maryland flag that looks like somebody sprayed ketchup and mustard all over a wall and then saluted it.
Hey enough on why the Ravens and their city suck.
The 49ers are not perfect. They have Chris Culver, a stupid 24 year old safety who thinks being funny involves gay bashing and overcoming his suppression by bragging about the ladies on some suicidal radio host's show. Artie Lang? Really, Chris? What did you think he'd ask you? How to solve the debt crisis?
The 49ers have Jim Harbaugh also. He's a great coach, but a complete psycho. Acting like a crazed maniac on the sidelines, staring like Charlie Manson, and celebrating wins with the grace of a hungry pit bull, Harbaugh is easy to hate.
But still, despite Culver and Harbaugh, Ball-mo is far worse. Their entire team is hateable . From their uni-browed overrated QB right back to their gangsta defense they make me crazy. But there is one reason beyond any others I hate the Ravens. They actually force me to put aside my intense dislike of all things Steelers two times a year. I really didn't think that possible. Congrats Ravens. May you all be there when Ray Lewis melts down after Gawd himself says Go-eth and fuck thyself, brother Ray.