Thursday, January 31, 2013

A Good Walk Spoiled!

Golf is a funny game. Much like bowling, any sport where smoking an drinking are part of the rules 'aint a sport. But every weekend, millions of Lexus driving Mittens Romney wannabees sit around watching a bunch of men hit a tiny white ball around a complete waste of god's green earth trying to get the little ball in a hole. Sounds very Freudian if ya ask me.

Phil Mickelson is a famous golfer. He is the white alternative to the not white Tiger Woods. They do share common ground however in the fact both of them are complete assholes. Phil Mickelson, also known as Lefty, not because of his politics but because he's one of those left handed freaks, recently complained about his overwhelming job creator type tax burden. Mickelson whined about his alleged 62% tax rate and threatened to take his little white ball and move to Florida where his tax rate would go way down and he could stand his ground and shoot all tax collectors.

The only problem is Mickelson's tax rate isn't even close to 62% and if it is he needs to stop taking his tax returns to H & R Stalin. Mickelson made $61 million last year, mostly from endorsing killer prescription drugs and persuading fat guys to buy golf shit he doesn't use. Wait! What the fore? $61 million? Even at the bogus 62%, Old Lefty would still have about $23 million to stuff in his mattress. Oh the humanity! Now, according the Communist News Network (CNN), who I have absolutely no faith in except now, Philly actually would fork over about 53% at the worst. That leaves Righty about $27 million to bury in his backyard. But in reality, with all the tax dodges available to most millionaires, Phil probably sticks $44 million in his floorboards. Again, Heavens to Betsy, how is he supposed to live?

Golfers are all Republicans. That is a given. They all think because they travel around hauling their clubs in the back of their 1994 Nissan and all money they make is based on performance, you know, like all the rest of us,they should be taxed at 0%. There is no class of people who feel more entitled than golfers. Providing their service to Chablis drinking fans is enough. Walking around like billboards on a golf course, these privileged pricks make most of their money by wearing hats and golf shirts with corporate names emblazoned on them and using golf clubs given to them by other corporations. And that's before they entertain the Audi driving fans that watch them. They do travel from town to town getting free drinks and banging kulat wearing 35 year old women. Hey, it's a tough life these job creators live.

So fuck Phil Mickelson. For that matter fuck Eldrick Woods too. I don't like golf or golfers. Pro golfers anyway. Amateurs are just delusional.

So Doctor, where does my hatred of all things golf come from? Well way back when I was 15, I played golf every fucking day. And then one day, at my parent's 9 hole "country club" I was caught doing something so utterly foul, so un-golfy, so wicked, so against the rules, so awful that I was "suspended" from playing golf for two weeks. That "suspension" continues to this day, 40 years later. As well it should for my complete disregard of all the rules and standards of high society golf back then.

My crime against the beautiful sport of golf? I played a round with 4 other people. Oh gawd it feels good to confess my sins. We played with five people. One over the foursome limit. I am sooooooooo sorry. So sorry I have given myself a lifetime ban. Take that, Lance Armstrong!

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