Things I Just Don't Get Or How Old Do You Have To Be To Get A Pension In England?

Now and then I ponder things others profess to love, and I don't understand. Others can do the same with my love of jazz, or horse racing, or Black Oak Arkansas. But the following are things I really, truly, do not get.

1) The Rolling Stones after 1975

What is about these guys people pay hundreds of dollars to see and hear? For chrissakes, I saw them in 1981 and thought they were phoning it in. Jagger has become a parody of himself, Richards is cashing the checks, Wood is a sad old man, and Charlie Watts is way above this oldies circuit shiite anymore. They haven't had a decent song since Mick Taylor left the band. Please, stop encouraging them.

2) NFL football

My goodness, if they didn't have a pointspread, would anybody watch this sport? Week after week, it's the same old thing. Run, short pass, short pass, punt. Four ex-jocks in a television studio pontificate about each game as if it means anything to anybody with a life. Who has 4 hours to give up to watch this dreary exhibition of tedium? It's worse than going to Mass.

3) Madonna

What does she do? She can't sing. She can't act. She speaks with a fake English accent. She breeds with personal trainers and has a penchant for taking down professional athletes. Look at her career. She doesn't even know what she is.

4) The Founding Fathers

Everytime you hear some conservative blowhard attempting to justify their 18th century mind out comes the Founding Fathers card. What would the Founding Fathers have done? What was the intent of the Founding Fathers? Well I say, who gives a poop? These guys, and I mean all guys, obviously meant for blacks to be slaves, Indians to be eliminated, women to be oppressed, and a well regulated militia to be the only ones to have guns. Oops, forget about that last one. Doesn't fit the conservative blowhard agenda.

5) Disney

I don't get it. I didn't get it when I should have gotten it. I hated it when I was kid. It's so damned goody two shoes. I preferred Bugs and Daffy and Yosemite Sam. They had an edge. Disney characters are like something invented in an LDS lab. Who can honestly say a Disney character has ever made you laugh? Ok, Dumbo was cool and Bambi was sad and Old Yeller made me weep. For godsakes, no wonder I hate Disney. They are depressing.

6) Golf

I played it a lot when I was a kid. But after awhile I never got any better. So I gave it up. It used to be fun to put on your t shirt, cutoffs and sneakers and walk a decent public golf course with your golf bag slung over your shoulder for about 4 bucks. Then the public courses got greedy and stuck in a dress code, forced you to rent a cart, upped the price to $40 and actually expected people to participate. And they do. Unbelievably so.

7) Pickups

Ok fine, if you live on a farm I get it. If you live in a city and drive one, well, is it because of your shortcomings? Do you feel manly? Do you need somewhere to stick your big dog? I'm asking that of the chicks. Buy a car.

8) Julia Roberts

Is it that laugh? That humongous mouth? That Oscar? Oscar? Are you effin kidding me? Julia Roberts has as many Oscars as Robert DeNiro? Marty Scorcese? This actress has a much more talented brother and much more talented peers who have no awards. Come on now, folks, to make her look like a bohemian they paired her up with Julia Stiles and Kirsten Dunst and both of them made her look silly.

Well there's more, like Aerosmith, New York Yankees fans, SUV's, Texas, skiing, roller coasters, indoor baseball and football, Notre Dame, Tony Bennett, boats, hunting, the stock market and Michael Phelps. But all that for another day.