Monday, December 1, 2008

Things I Just Don't Get Or How Old Do You Have To Be To Get A Pension In England?

Now and then I ponder things others profess to love, and I don't understand. Others can do the same with my love of jazz, or horse racing, or Black Oak Arkansas. But the following are things I really, truly, do not get.
1) The Rolling Stones after 1975
What is about these guys people pay hundreds of dollars to see and hear? For chrissakes, I saw them in 1981 and thought they were phoning it in. Jagger has become a parody of himself, Richards is cashing the checks, Wood is a sad old man, and Charlie Watts is way above this oldies circuit shiite anymore. They haven't had a decent song since Mick Taylor left the band. Please, stop encouraging them.
2) NFL football
My goodness, if they didn't have a pointspread, would anybody watch this sport? Week after week, it's the same old thing. Run, short pass, short pass, punt. Four ex-jocks in a television studio pontificate about each game as if it means anything to anybody with a life. Who has 4 hours to give up to watch this dreary exhibition of tedium? It's worse than going to Mass.
3) Madonna
What does she do? She can't sing. She can't act. She speaks with a fake English accent. She breeds with personal trainers and has a penchant for taking down professional athletes. Look at her career. She doesn't even know what she is.
4) The Founding Fathers
Everytime you hear some conservative blowhard attempting to justify their 18th century mind out comes the Founding Fathers card. What would the Founding Fathers have done? What was the intent of the Founding Fathers? Well I say, who gives a poop? These guys, and I mean all guys, obviously meant for blacks to be slaves, Indians to be eliminated, women to be oppressed, and a well regulated militia to be the only ones to have guns. Oops, forget about that last one. Doesn't fit the conservative blowhard agenda.
5) Disney
I don't get it. I didn't get it when I should have gotten it. I hated it when I was kid. It's so damned goody two shoes. I preferred Bugs and Daffy and Yosemite Sam. They had an edge. Disney characters are like something invented in an LDS lab. Who can honestly say a Disney character has ever made you laugh? Ok, Dumbo was cool and Bambi was sad and Old Yeller made me weep. For godsakes, no wonder I hate Disney. They are depressing.
6) Golf
I played it a lot when I was a kid. But after awhile I never got any better. So I gave it up. It used to be fun to put on your t shirt, cutoffs and sneakers and walk a decent public golf course with your golf bag slung over your shoulder for about 4 bucks. Then the public courses got greedy and stuck in a dress code, forced you to rent a cart, upped the price to $40 and actually expected people to participate. And they do. Unbelievably so.
7) Pickups
Ok fine, if you live on a farm I get it. If you live in a city and drive one, well, is it because of your shortcomings? Do you feel manly? Do you need somewhere to stick your big dog? I'm asking that of the chicks. Buy a car.
8) Julia Roberts
Is it that laugh? That humongous mouth? That Oscar? Oscar? Are you effin kidding me? Julia Roberts has as many Oscars as Robert DeNiro? Marty Scorcese? This actress has a much more talented brother and much more talented peers who have no awards. Come on now, folks, to make her look like a bohemian they paired her up with Julia Stiles and Kirsten Dunst and both of them made her look silly.
Well there's more, like Aerosmith, New York Yankees fans, SUV's, Texas, skiing, roller coasters, indoor baseball and football, Notre Dame, Tony Bennett, boats, hunting, the stock market and Michael Phelps. But all that for another day.


Project Christopher said...

THIS was funny! I do love a good rant and God knows I can get one rolling. I think you've inspired a new blog post of my own soon.
Some observations from yours...
1. never got the stones either.
2. NFL or any major sport that people followed more than a religion. good GOD it's just a game. what offends me most is that the worst of NFL players still makes 10 times more than our teachers who have our country's future in their hands.
3. Madonna. the name instantly brings a specific image to whomever hears it... what that image is varies. She's so varied. I still wonder what her children think of the SEX book from the early 90's.
4.The founding fathers... I love that the modern conservatives harken back to the Founding Fathers when they rally against whatever... but to quote the movie
"To Wong Fu.." "the founding fathers had fabulous wigs!"
5. I used to work for Disney and it truly is an enigma. It's also funny how people will accuse them of whatever fits their soapbox. some said Lion King represented black & white society with the Lions being white and the heyenas being the blacks. Funny how the King & Queen lions were played by 2 fantastic black actors. And how the conservatives went apeshiite saying the castle spires on The Little Mermaid video box looked like a penis... well, yes.. .but they have since midieval times.... someone must have castle envy.
6. Golf. so NOT a sport. Anything a 60 year old man who can't get it up can play is not a sport.
7. Pickups... I used to have one. didn't have a farm, but was in rural South Carolina. same difference. you become everyone's friend when you have a pick up and it's time for them to move.
8. Julia Roberts. Sorry, actually like her. Can she act Oscar worthy? maybe not. But my biggest complaint about her is that in Steele Magnolias, she had the worst southern accent of all the women and she's from Smyrna Georgia!
Let me know when you get to Michael Phelps... I'm locked and loaded on that one....

Just Kevin... said...

What a cantankerous old geezer! I mean, I agree with you on all this stuff. ALL of it.

1. When the Stones did a disco song, you knew they were over. I mean I like the song but the Stones? No.
2. NFL? Yawn. I did enjoy being around when my friend, Bean, was a MAJOR groupie of the Broncos, but that's a different story.
3 & 5. Madonna? I can kill two birds with one stone on this one. She sings like Minnie Mouse. All these years later and she sings like Minnie Freakin' Mouse. And she's got that Joan Rivers thing going on, too. (I love Disneyland's teacups, though. Ask me about my friend Mark and I getting called out for his behavior on the teacups. Priceless! I also love getting in for free...)
4. Uh, Hello, Rush? They were revolutionaries! Racist, sexist and probably homophobic revolutionaries but revolutionaries nonetheless!
6. I think Mark Twain said "Golf is a good walk spoiled." You'll note I think I actually played once or twice though I was on the course as much as you were as a kid. I love a good walk. Plus it was fun to hear mom say "Shit!"
7. Yup
8. Ugh. Double ugh.