Monday, September 17, 2012

Values Smalues!

What a weekend. I went to Kansas and Missouri and saw a football game and baseball game all in the period of 8 hours. Kansas is a bad football team and lost, the KC Royals knocked off the Angels with a home run in the bottom of the ninth and made all the transplanted Californians around me all mad which made me just wonder who the hell moves from California to effing Missouri? I don't care for Missouri fan, who for some reason bellows "Zooooooo" when they cheer for whatever it is they cheer for. Guess it's easier to spell. Anyway, the difference between Kansas and Missouri is really nothing, but at least in Lawrence, Kansas I saw Obama stickers on numerous cars while in "Zoooooooo" I actually saw some asshole with a Todd Akin sticker on his SUV. And a "We love Chik Fil A" sticker on one of those mini vans where the guy sticks little stick figures of himself, his wife, their two adorable children and the dog on the back window to divert attention away from his nighttime "business trips" to downtown KC hookers. You know that guy, right?

It was a nice trip away with Max and we were able to avoid politics for a day or two until that Todd Akin asshole pulled in front of me getting out of the baseball stadium. So I missed the coverage of the Values Voters Summit where Republican phonies of all types go and suck up to the Jesus lovers who hate the kind of folks JC hung with types. The Values Voter? You mean, bigots of all types? The well dressed bigots as opposed to the sleeveless white trash bigots who gathered in Tennessee the same weekend to listen to David Duke and holler Zooooooooooo? Those Values Voters? I see.

Don't really see the difference in looking at the Values Voters lineup? Me either. I don't even need to hear the eye rolling bullshit puked onto these Christers to comment. In alphabetical order we had:

1)Michele Bachmann (Loon-Mn)- what can you say about Michele that hasn't been said? I'm sure Marcus had fun. The pickings at this repressed event must be fabulous!

2)Gary Bauer (Peter Lorre-Va)- Bauer hasn't been the same since he tumbled off that stage flipping pancakes years ago when he ,huhhhhhhhhhh, ran for President???

3) Bill Bennett (15? hit me-DC)- are there casinos and buffets nearby? Has to be, it's in his contract rider.

4) Glenn Beck---who?

5) Eric Cantor (Backstabber-Va)-- hey values voter? You know he's one of "them" dontcha?

6) Jeff Fortenberry (Nobody-Ne)- I just had to throw him in to show what complete zeros my state sends to Congress.

7) Laura Ingraham (Kazoo voice-NH)- Who can listen to this nasally witch? My god, the black eyebrows are distracting enough, but that alarm clock voice is too much.

8) Steve King (Are you kidding me?-Ia) Steve King is a fucking nut. You know it, I know it, he knows it. His constituents don't.

9)Oliver North (Felon-Va)- Oh Ollie, are you still around? You'd think a guy like you, one of those got off on a technicality felons, wouldn't be popular with values voters who think12) everybody charged with a felony is guilty. But hey, you're white, a military veteran, a smooth talking huckster and you are one of Sean Hannity's reach around buddies.

10) Star Parker (Ex Slut-DC)- finally one of the "good ones" as value voters refer to black folk. Star Parker is an ex slut and calls Sandra Fluke a right now slut. She also believes gay marriage leads to lousy public schools. Don't ask.

11) Rand Paul and Paul Ryan (Ayn Randers-USA)- Two soon to be obscure blips on the radar. Their stories about jacking it to Atlas Shrugged must be captivating.

12) Kamal Saleem (Ex Terrorist-Va)- I did hear about this fraud and his speech. Claiming to be an ex terrorist and all around jihadist, he found Jeeeeeee-zus and is now converted to Values. Nah, Kaleem, you worked for Pat Robertson for years and have a funny name like a certain other guy values voters hate. You certainly are not an ex terorist. You just terror for a different icon you can fleece people with.

13) Rick Santorum (Really Dumb-Pa)- Rick just doesnt know when to shut up. He claimed "smart people" will never be on "our side". Well duhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Gotta love the Rickster's honesty

14) Tim Wildmon (Nepotism-Ms) Tim is the "president" of the American Family Association. You know, that group of kooks who are so utterly repressed and so deep in the closet that they actually blamed the Holocaust on the "fact" that Hitler and the storm troopers were all gay. And he's the son of Donald Wildmon so he stayed in the family hate business.

15) Bob Woodson (Good one-DC)- Bob is one of those black men who hangs with conservatives and gets federal funds to "train" poverty stricken youth to love Jesus and get a job that doesn't exist while denouncing federal funds going to anybody else. You know, like every other values voter.

And finally, out of alphabetical order is Kansas Representative Tim Huelskamp. I don't know anything about this back benching nobody but he somehow believes that Planned Parenthood is racist and well he said:

"I am the adoptive father of four children, each of them either Black, Hispanic, Native American, and I am incensed that this President pays money to an entity that was created for the sole purpose of killing children that look like mine, a racist organization and it continues to target minorities for abortion destruction. Shame on this President and shame on that party."

OK Tim calm down. The "sole purpose of killing children that look like mine"? Good for you for adopting those kids. I just hope they are not female because with people like you, and the values voters, they will never achieve their potential. And oh yeah, Tim, even though you are from Kansas, "Zooooooooooooooooooo"..

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