Platform Blues!

I am the first to say party platforms dont mean dick but at least they lie to people hoping they say hey, those are good ideas. Good thing Republicans cant possibly grasp that feeling cuz man are they against shit. Against Against Against!

The 2016 Republican platform may actually be less progressive than the original 1860 platform when that bearded hippie who ruined the Southern economy took control.

The 2012 autopsy conducted by Reince Priebus concluded that Republicans would lose and always lose if they continued down this path to taking us back to the 1950's by dissing the coloreds and the illegals and the homos. So what did they do? Well, the 50's may be a bit progressive to this bunch of knuckle dragging bitters who took control and nominated a straw haired reality show clown and decided to quadruple down on the white supremacy Tim McVeigh shit.

First of all Republicans call for a dismantling of the national park system. Give all that beautiful land back to the states, where we can manipulate a bunch of rural know nothings into selling it off to Big Energy and Big Developers and pout up something truly beautiful. Condos and oil wells. And of course start fracking and cause earthquakes. Simply beee-tyoo-tiful Charley, look at that giant crack in the earth and that cute elk struggling to free itself. His horns would look great on your man cave wall.

Look I just went through Rocky Mountain National Park, and other than the shirtless Bros mucking up the view, Ive never seen anything like it. To let this bunch of peasants get a hold of it and sell it off to Coors and The Kochs would be criminal.

Say did you know that porn is a national health crisis? Well according to the platform committee of the Republican Party, it certainly is. Put forward by that degenerate James Dobson and his Focus on the Family band of repressed nuts, porn is now a danger to children. Now I dont know what Focus on The Family members do in their man caves. But here's a simple solution to keep the kiddies from coming down the steps and seeing Daddy moving his shoulder to a video of a bad lady tempting a poor man by licking him like a dog. Get a fucking lock.

Yeah watching seething being blown is a crisis. But blowing your kids head off with your Glock isnt. Makes sense. Problem is it actually does. To Republicans.

Now on to the sickos. The gays, or as republicans call it, half their members of Congress.

These people need simple conversion therapy. Put em in a room with a bunch of other guys, have some guy who loves Jesus, no I mean some guy named Jesus, holler and scream how being born that way is just not true and how they need to just stop being that way and lie to God and adapt to being just like Jesus, yeah that guy named Jesus who will visit Professor Denial later.

You have to go the bathroom of the gender you were born with. Because we all know transgenders mock God by being all creepy and shit. And with all those closed stalls in a women's bathroom its perfect as a place to hide for some guy in women's clothing to molest your kids. Makes perfect sense. If you are a Republican dimwit who thinks "you're fired" is still knee slappin funny.

And oh yeah, sticking an amendment into the platform hammering the psycho closet cases who make up ISIS for the way they treat the fellow gays. Ya know by throwing them off buildings and cutting off their heads, Republicans thought that was a bit too harsh. Why single out one group like that? Poor ISIS. We shouldn't be that specific. Unless of course, it fits our agenda when we can graffiti mosques and whack off to Trump's simpleton ideas about bombing the hell out of a group of criminals already on the run. No, leave poor ISIS alone on that whole queer thing. Hell, in 4 years they may want to adopt some of those cool ideas themselves after four years of Hillary. Benghaziiiiiiiiiiii!!!

Adopt an unwanted child? Yeah, Republicans are all for it. If it involves a "mother and father". None of the loving and stable home shit put forward by 1970's thinking delegates. hrisaakes, that may open the door for homos to recruit, like they do. Say Johnny, ever been in a Turkish prison? Cuz ya know thats what "they" do.

Keep the Mexicans out. Build a wall. Specifically, a wall. Not a barrier. Not a fence. A wall. Hey Republican, who is gonna pay for it? You left that part out. Mexxxxi-coooo Mexxxxi-icoooooo!!! Your wind blown thrice married kook wouldnt approve.

The Trans Pacific Partnership, ya know, that thing that would allow American corporations to use slave labor. Wayyyy too complicated for this bunch Say nuthin. Besides, what's wrong with slavery?

Get rid of the IRS? You betcha. That's a golden oldie. Up there with getting out of the United Nations and HUAC.

Endangered Species Act? Bahhhhhh. More gubmint interference in white man's right to hunt down endangered species and eliminate them cuz why not? Gray Wolves specifically are pointed out as being huntable. Was Cliven Bundy in town?

Coal is clean. The Bible is the word of God and should be taught in public schools, which they really dont like either. Medical marijuana is bad. Same sex marriage is bad. Three times married to a different woman each time is good. Women in combat bad. Men in combat good. Prevent Sharia Law by imposing Sharia law. Up is down, hot is cold, Neanderthals are Modern.

This whole sick document, again, doesnt mean dick. Nobody is going to do anything about this craziness. Right? Is this a joke? A tornado haired con artist as your nominee? This isnt real, right?

I cant hear you? RIGHT?