Saturday, January 30, 2016

Iowa Where The Tall Corn Pollutes!

Per CNN, it's 47 hours to Iowa caucus time when a small state of white people take the rest of us hostage by walking over to their local school and standing in a room and arguing. The Republican caucus goers will inevitably pick the worst candidate possible because most of them are crazy religious kooks who think crazy things like the earth is flat, ethanol is good, Jesus exists, and Obama is a liberal Democrat. Hell, this bunch has such a historical losing streak, Trump the clown had better hope Vampire Cruz wins because the winner here will not win the nomination. Remember the infamous 1988 Pat Robertson "win" or if you're not old like me, remember way back to 2012 when either Huckabee or Santorum "won"? These people couldn't the winner of a Michele Bachmann- Neil DeGrasse Tyson IQ off.

Iowa gets its ass kissed every four years and have come to expect it. I know, I've lived there during caucus time and these people actually believe they matter. They don't, of course, but you'd never know it the way the media, trying so hard to fill a 24/7 news cycle, follows some guy in a Hawkeye sweatshirt around asking him constantly if his vote for some Republican nimrod has changed in the last 20 minutes. Most people would be annoyed by this. Iowa person loves it. I matter! People care what I think! My uninformed defense of Ted Cruz or Donald Trump or that cute Mexican white guy, Marco Rube passes for political genius. Thanks for asking me, liberal media guy, I hate you at rallies but ask me something and I'm all yours.

On the Democratic side, it isn't as bad. The Iowa Democrats, though still very much Iowa guy, seem to have a bit of sense and historical perspective. They don't vote for far left wing dude, even though none actually exist, they tend to vote for the one with more energy and fun. They did launch Obama in 2008. They launched Kerrey in 2004. When faced with the choice between sleepy and sleepier in 2000 they went with sleepy, you figure which was Al Gore and which was Bill Bradley. That caucus must have been like arguing with Ben Carson. Geezus, why bother, I hear Casey's has a special on pizza. This year, the Bernie crowd is ready. Hillary bet hope the snowstorm is late, cuz her backers won't be able to get the Buick out of the barn. Bernie's folks will walk through blizzards uphill both ways to call Hillary a corporate stooge.

Iowa will be over in two days and then the rest of us can ignore its pork obsession, it's provincialism, and it's welfare state for corn farmers making environmentally destructive ethanol.

So Iowa Republicans, vote Cruz. Iowa Democrats, vote Bernie.

Enjoy your every four year butt kissing, Iowa. It's soon over. And you can go back to doing whatever it is you do. No no, I'm not going to ask. You may actually tell me.

No comments: