Sunday, May 11, 2014

Don't Give Me Any Of Your Sasse!

Edvard Munch was Norwegian but he had to have painted The Scream during Norwegian political primary season when Norwegian Tea Party commercials were being pounded out on drums and blown all over with Bukkehorns. Vote for Erik The Progress Halter, he promises to take us back to the good old days of the Olaf II, and Norway is only 4500 years old.

We here in Nebraska have a primary coming up on Tuesday. Tuesday is when the ads will STOP. Temporary respite for sure, but respite nonetheless. The ads are literally non stop. Since Republicans dominate this state because of the age old philosophy of my dad was a Republican and his dad was a Republican and that's just the way it is. Vote against my own interests? What are ya, some kind of libtard?

Republican candidates are slamming the citizens with ad after ad calling themselves "conservative" and "real conservative" and how much they hate Obama and Pelosi to appeal to the Tea Party not at all racists or not at all sexists or the self hating women who can't stand those uppity sluts who have abortions and take birth control and have more fun than they ever had.

The Republican candidates ,who will win the general election because well you know, my dad was a Republican etc...will get a Senate seat to replace the complete zero, Mike Johanns, a Governor's seat to replace a genuinely awful human being, the diminutive Dave Heineman, and and Attorney General's seat, to replace and even more awful human being, the fish eyed political opportunist Jon Bruning.

Here's a rundown on the candidates we get to choose from (not me, I don't get to vote in the Republican primary because my dad was a democrat and his dad was a democrat etc...)

United States Senate:

Ben Sasse:

This opportunistic pretty boy couldnt wait to flee this state when he turned 18. He spent the next 18 years in college and then blowing Karl Rove and the Bush Administration with made up government jobs. When the evil Muslim won in 2008, Ben ran back here to Nebraska and became President of some college up in Fremont, ya know, that town that plain don't like the Mexicans. When Johanns announced he'd had it being a boulder in the road to progress, Sasse jumped.

Sasse has become the darling of the Tea Party because he's a neanderthal and really really hates Obamacare, hell he even used his cutesy kids to hammer home how much he hates that Obamacare. It was a new low, hiding behind our children. But it will probably fuel his bid to take another step towards losing a Presidential race some day. This guy is dangerous.

Shane Osborn

Remember this dude from back in 2001? He ditched a spy plane after colliding with a Chinese fighter pilot and then spent 10 days in Chinese custody enduring horrors that even John McCain couldn't fathom. According to his commercials, he had to sit on a stool in an empty room. Oh the humanity! Osborn was the Tea Party darling but then he got involved with another group who supported Mitch McConnell so the Tea party became enamored with Pretty Boy Ben and that was that. Those Tea Party people are such mean bitches.

Osborn is not going to win. He is just plain unlikable. Just ask his crazy ex wife.

Sid Dinsdale

This old school Republican would get my vote. Oh come on Monty Python fans. It's Dinsdale! Sid Dinsdale is the only chance reasonable thinkers have to keep a goddamned maniac like Benny Sasse out of the Senate. Dinsdale is a rich ass banker. Boo! Dinsdale would be the third richest person in the Congress if he won. Boo! But despite his ads where he claims he's pro life and anti Obamacare and a genuine teabagger douchebag, his record shows compromise. And the other candidates are killing him for it now. He's a "liberal" in disguise according to Sasse. That alone should disqualify a liar like Sasse.

Bart McLeay

Who gives a shit? He's a nobody. But hey, he's really conservative too! Over here, its me, he guys look over here. No thanks.

If it matters, Ted Cruz, Sarah Palin, and Satan have all endorsed Ben Sasse. Get ready America. This dickhead is about to go to the major leagues. Let's hope a national press will not kiss his ass like the locals do.

He's so fucking pretty and kisses his kids in his ads so annoyingly I just know at some point, when the national press gets ahold of him.....well....

Next time, prepare to be bored with our other races....

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