Somebody Please Beat Florida! Anyone?

It's college football season again and I am happy that for two years in a row I can root for my alma mater, The University of Nebraska-Lincoln. You see, from 2003 through 2007 I secretly rooted for the Huskers, led by the worst head coach of all time,Bill Callahan, to get their ass kicked every week so the state would rid themselves of this cancer. It finally happened and I can go back to loving the 8-4 seasons again.

Teams I Love:

1) Nebraska- I live here, I was born here, I actually was in classrooms there (unlike 90% of the crowds they draw) and I went to games with my Dad here. Forgive me for buying into the Husker hype. It's silly, it's asinine, it's really sad. But it's all we have.

2) Texas Tech- Stuck out in nowhere. Perennial 3rd bananas in their own state. I've loved these guys since the days of Donnie Anderson. The black and red double T's. Coach Mike Leach, law school trained and as nutty as an elephant turd. Go Tech!

3) Minnesota- The Gophers have been a fave of mine since I saw them play in the old campus stadium in Minneapolis in 1973 against Nebraska and they actually wore gold pajamas. Well, they looked like pajamas, and the Gophers played like they were sleepy. The Minnesota fans were so nice as they got stomped, it's impossible to not like them. I was already a Twins fan so what the hell. Oh yeah, their QB that day? Tony Dungy.

4) Ohio- not THE Ohio State University. Plain old Ohio. The Bobcats, coached by Frank Solich, who got fired here at Nebraska because he only won 75% of his games. I like Frank. I think he's a helluva coach. I want him to succeed.

5) Kansas- Kansas fans are a lot like Minnesota fans. They're just nice. They have that goofy fake bird as a mascot, they act all academic like at football games, and their coach weighs about 500 pounds. But he is worth his weight in gold because Mark Mangino is one great football coach.

Teams I Hate:

1) Notre Dame- For god's sake this place is hell on earth. From that crappy town it's in to that stupid Touchdown Jesus, Notre Dame reeks arrogance. A team with a French name and a freaking leprechaun as a mascot calls itself the Irish? I went there way back and some asshole asked me if we had Indian troubles and he was serious. The bastard is probably in jail for insider trading or something now. At least I hope so.

2) Texas- see above. The arrogance of these Third World wannabees is almost as bad as the French Irish listed above. The Nebraska band salutes the opposing team by playing its fight song. Texas refused to allow the Nebraska band to play "The Eyes of Texas" (which is really just "I've been working on the railroad") because they weren't worthy. Then some overgrown Texas moron football player attempted to plant the Texas flag on the big N in the middle of our field. He couldn't because it's not grass, it's Field Turf. Geniuses.

3) Colorado- these insecure brain deads hate us. Why? I don't know. Because Nebraska beat their ass for about 40 years in a row? They abuse a buffalo before every game, they throw snowballs with a rock center at you, they vandalize your car, they have the class of CMT reality show and they just plain suck. A few years back, on national television, the entire student section got booted out of the stadium for being the lowlifes they are.

4) Miami- The U? Really? They have a U on their helmet and a year or so ago they sued the University of Nebraska at Omaha for copyright infringement because UNO put an O on their helmet. Despite the fact an O is not a U and red & black is different from orange and green, these thug cuddlers sued anyway. They lost. I love it when that roaming prison yard of a team loses.

5) Ohio State- Just for the fact it's called THE Ohio State University I hate them. I hate them dotting that goddamned I. I hate their ugly ass silver and red uniforms. I hate their little buckeyes on the helmets. I hate their very existence. Go Blue!