Monday, March 31, 2014

Fox News Math!


What a complete failure, a disaster of monumental proportions, the death knell for your average Fox Viewer, it's the nightmare called Obamacare.

As you can see from the fair and balanced Fox News chart, only 6 million have signed up (as of last Thursday) when Nobama wanted 7 million plus by today. Clearly, a failure right up there with the Germans bombing Pearl Harbor, Saddam Hussein bringing down the Towers or Hillary Clinton murdering Vince Foster. How can you not see it? It's right there!

Only 6 million, or about 1/4 of 7,066,000 have signed up. What a flipping calamity the Kenyan Muslim Commie has thrust onto the American public. Impeach now! Look at the evidence! Impeach!

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Moochelle, Ma Belle!


So much disrespect and pure racial hatred for the Prez for 6 years. You know the Prez, that black guy right wingers hate not because they're racists or anything, it's just cuz he's black, not that it means they're bigots cuz you libtards always go straight to the race card. Yeah yeah, libs are the racists not us!! Now where's my misspelled not racist funny sign that shows Nobama as a witch doctor cuz that's funny cuz he's from Kenya.

Well, you think that's bad. How about Michelle Obama aka Moochelle cuz ya know that's funny not racist cuz ya know like black chicks like to get free stuff and we're just pointing that out. A couple of "Christian" radio hosts who shall remain nameless got all "offended" when Moochelle Obama went to a community health center in Miami and told them they were doing "God's work" by helping the uninsured sign up for Obamacare. Well of course, to these two nitwits, that meant Michelle was a goddamn Nazi for killing children by aborting them at Planned Parenthood with her long ass fingernails and how dare she and she's all evil. Yep, there's people who say that on a radio show with tens and tens of listeners who probably all have guns and love Jesus.

Michelle Obama has been every bit as big of a target of racists and lamebrains for 6 years as her Muslims usurper husband. Michelle Obama has as much disrespectful shit thrown at her as Obummer. Right, Rusty DePass? Rusty DePass is such a Republican South Carolina name.

James Sensenbrenner (Fat-Wi)doesn't like that Michelle tellin his kids to eat vegetables and stuff. Fuck that. We eat cheese and brats up here in Wisconsin and besides, Michelle has a big ass. Look in the mirror Jimmy. If you even have a reflection.

Oh yeah, remember when the traitorous Michelle Obama got all Black Panthery and dissed the American flag by whispering "all this for a damn flag" during a 9/11 ceremony? Yeah me either. But to gullible e mail recipients all over this nation, they sure as hell do.

The latest is that Bill Maher is such an idiot and a liar that he used one of those Michelle Obama quotes and attributed it to the widow peaked jug eared numbnuts Paul Ryan (Leech-Wi). See, the libtards lie, they lie! No dumbshits. He tricked his guests. Gosh, Michelle Obama is just as not racist as Paul Ryan (Smug-Wi) cuz she doesn't like kids wantin to be ballers and rappers and wants them to be teachers. Nope, Paul Ryan said they wanted to lay around all day and not do anything cuz that's what their no good worthless Baby's Daddy's did and now its a whole culture of lazy shiftless "inner city" dwellers.

Moochele Obama,and her daughters and her mommy,being the grifters they are, all went to China on the taxpayers and stayed in million dollar a night hotels and threw taxpayer money off the Great Wall of China that the commies built to keep their citizens trapped so they could work for American corporations for 2 cents a day. Remember when Saint Reagan told Mao "Mr. Tung, tear down this wall?" or something like that? Well that commie Michelle Obama told the commie spies to all come to Amerika and really asshurt patriotic "Mericans everywhere. And she played a some a ping pong with more commies. Man she is a disgrace to First Ladies like Laura Bush or Nancy Reagan who were at least white. And if America had been smart and anointed Mittens Romney to his rightful throne, the death stare of Ann Romney would have made Putin run for his life and none of this Ukraine shit would be happening.

Michelle Obama has been savaged like no other FLOTUS ever. Hey, nasty right wingers. I know the hate is in your hearts to begin with and your brain tells you what to say to articulate your not at all racist views. But lay off Michele Obama, she'd not only kick your ass, she will take a handful of broccoli and "shove it down your throats". You know, like the gays always are doing to you. You wish.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

The Who!!


I love The Who. I mean I honestly think they may be, pound for pound, the best rock band ever. When I say pound for pound I mean studio, live, longevity. To see The Who live at the absolute peak you must see them at Woodstock. That, my friends, is a fuckin rock band. And to see The Who 43 years later at the Sandy Relief concert I rest my case. That, my friends, is STILL a fuckin rock band! Oh I know Roger Daltrey is a 70 year old man with his shirt open but goddamn the man can still bring it. Pete Townsend is still gettin it done at 68 whether he's windmilling or self loathing. The man is genius. Period.

There are those who believe that the day Keith Moon croaked was the day The Who croaked. Nonsense. Yeah yeah, to listen to Who records from the Keith Moon years is an experience to behold. Just listen to his manic drumming. He made drums a necessity. He made drums an instrument instead of something the least talented guy in the band pound on incessantly much to my annoyance. But to expect a Keith Moon to live long when he doused his pained self with horse tranquilizers and could be replaced by some dude in the crowd was a bit too much to expect. So Keith Moon, the best rock drummer ever, gave up the ghost in 1978 much to the surprise of nobody and was replaced by a better dude in the crowd. The Who moved on.

When John Entwhistle went all Keith Moon back in 2002 and killed himself, well not on purpose, but nonetheless killed his own dumb ass, they said well thats definitely it. The Who is dead. Again, nonsense. Because Pete and Roger are still there and let's face it, Roger may be the best front man ever, maybe (sorry Mick), just maybe and Pete is a fuckin genius if for no other reason than Tommy.

I've only seen The Who one time and Roger was sick as a dog. He still brought it. He still hit "the note". Pete still windmilled and even apologized for playing new material. God I love his knowing attitude. Onward.

Worst Who Song:

Pinball Wizard?

Hell I don't know. I don't even dislike this song but I'm just not in love with it. Maybe because I DO hate Elton John's cover of it in that horrific Tommy movie of the late 70's. Plus in a former life when I was on the radio playin all your favorite hits, the requests for Elton John's version made me wanna take some horse tranquilizers myself.

My Favorite Who Song:

Can't Explain

I may regret this later when Behind Blue Eyes becomes my favorite or Happy Jack or Baba O'Riley or the entire Tommy album or the Who Masterpiece or I Can See For Miles or any of many others I will say "Hey thats my favorite Who song" at any moment.

But Can't Explain captures an era. The Mods, the mid 60's London. Say you don't see Austin Powers Union Jacked Mini when you hear the song.

The Who Masterpiece:

Won't Get Fooled Again

You expected anything different? This tune has it all. The organ. The windmill. Moon's drums. The anticipation. The scream. There is no better song ever written to close a concert. Nuthin. 8 minutes of pure joy! And if nothing else for the life advice. "Meet the new boss, same as the old boss". Absolutely goddamn right, Pete!

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Noah's Lark!



I cannot wait to see Noah for a lot of reasons. Russel Crowe's Aussie growl, Jennifer Connelly's American whisper, Emma Watson's Hermione Granger accent, Anthony Hopkin's English professor accent and Ray Winstone's English growl. Man, talk about diversity on one stinking boat.

I'm also a sucker for Bible stories. Heavy on the story. And if it pisses off the Christians and the Muslims, well for chrissakes, this has to be the best Bible movie since Last Temptation of Christ. Though the Muslims tend to be a bit crankier about perceived slights to their superstitions than Christians, the fact both groups are so butthurt over a movie makes me so happy.

If I remember my Catholic school propaganda correctly, Noah gets a message from God that he is really pissed and will destroy the earth because people are pricks. But Noah, you build a giant boat using a cubit as a measurement and get two of every type of animal, male and female and put it on your giant cubit boat. God is gonna flood the earth and kill em all and let Him sort em out. So Noah gathers all the animals onto his Mitt Romney sized yacht and then it starts to rain and rain and rain for 40 days, kind of like it does in Seattle (have they ever checked THAT area for the elusive Ark?) So the flood kills everybody and all the animals including cute little puppies and tiny little human babies and even fetuses. Yeah God is pro-life my ass. So God is really busy for 40 days sorting em all out, you down you down you up you up you down etc...... Then Noah sees a dove or something with an olive branch in its mouth that lands on his yacht, errrr, Ark because it was really tired from flying around for 40 days and Noah goes yessssss, mate. And God sends a rainbow and Noah and his clan kill the dove and eat it cuz they already had two doves, right? And then God, history's biggest mass murderer, promises to never ever flood out the earth again, at least until even HE can't help it when man wrecks the earth all on his own.

So I can't wait to go see Noah starring a bunch of Englishmen, an Aussie knucklehead and an American babe. But I'm going to see it on a Sunday morning because all the dopes who actually believe this happened will be in church listening to other fairy tales, right? Love Sunday mornings, all the riff raff is confined into one space.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Aqua Buddha Storms Berkeley!


Oh look at that. Rand Paul (President in 2016 fer sure-Ky) in jeans, rappin with the kids at Berkeley about the big bad government infiltrating the Free Speech movement and killin all those Black Panthers that don't exist except in the twisted mind of Roger Ailes. Yayyy Rand Paul, Power to the People Baby, Right on! I could see the ghost of Mario Savio!!!

Rand Paul is the kind of guy who appeals to 20 year olds who want to smoke dope, and uhhhhhhh, smoke dope. Paul appeals to the 17 year olds fascinated with Atlas Shrugged and put Ayn Rand's poster in their room cuz she's like for freedom man. You know, the kind of kid who thinks Ayn Rand is a dude and told the government to shove it on the way to cash the Social Security checks.

Rand Paul is the kind of guy who appeals to people who hear him say "I'm going to give you a million dollars" but then start screaming like they've just seen a Beach Boy and don't hear "but first I'm going to cut out a couple of your organs to give it to the rich guy over there". Listennnnnnnn. Please.

Rand Paul is the latest darling of the political press. He's a fuckin shoo in in 2016. How can he lose? He spoke in Berkeley!! It's over! When you lose Berkeley, it's over Democraps! 50 state sweep! You think Putin's your hero now, just wait till 2016 when Congress consists of 535 right wing, errrrr, patriotic Republicans and the White House is in control of the Aqua Buddha. You libs are finished. Rand Paul and his freedom loving supporters will brutally crush you cuz FREEDOM!

Riiiiight. Rand Paul is a fraud. Elected to the Senate by Kentucky. The same state that gives us Mitch McConnell and the place Mark Twain or somebody else very smart said "“When the end of the world comes, I want to be in Kentucky because it's always twenty years behind the times”. Kentucky and 400 people in Berkeley do not make a juggernaut.

Hey folks, lefties who like Rand Paul because he's all for "privacy" and will stop technology in its tracks from snooping on you as you post everything about your life on social media and then expect nobody to notice except your BFF's. Rand Paul is the same old right wing kook as your Daddy's right wing kook. He loves freedom so much he wants to outlaw abortion in all cases, he wants the gays to stop being gay and get back in the closet, and he wants to make the world safe for child killers andmass murderers by repealing any common sense gun laws.

Rand Paul is just this moment in times Fred Thompson or Gary Bauer. By 2016 the press' precious Rand Paul will be pimping reverse mortgages or falling off a stage in New Hampshire.

Hopefully the latter. It never fails to amuse.

Friday, March 21, 2014

Stones Masterpiece!


The Rolling Stones. The World's Greatest Rock n Roll Band. Just ask them. Or one of their devotees.

Are they? Of course not but who am I to judge? The Stones are every bit as important in the history of rock as anybody, except the Beatles of course. Their songs are timeless. Their hits are classics that never get old. And they haven't been relevant since 1974 when Mick Taylor had enough of Keith Richards bullshit and quit. This is their history. Sorry, Ron Wood fans, but that guy is like when Sammy Hagar joined Van Halen. Jump the Shark anybody?

But to suggest I don't like the Rolling Stones is wrong. I do like them. Love them at times. I love it when the inevitable comes in any Marty Scorcese movie and we get to hear a Stones classic. But to see them now pains me. In fact when I saw them in 1981 it pained me. Quite honestly I thought as a live band they sucked. And they were barely pushing 40 years old then.

The Rolling Stones. Yep it's love/hate with me. The brilliance of Satisfaction. The timelessness of Street Fighting Man. The genius of Paint It Black. The laziness of She's So Cold or Shattered.

And then there's Happy. I recall a story I read many moons ago where somebody asked Keith Richards why he didn't sing more of their songs. Keith replied with the classic "Well then what would HE do?". And that is what the Stones are to me. Genius musicians like Keith, Brian Jones, Bill Wyman and Charlie Watts, the glue that keeps it all together. Then there's Jagger, prancing around like a rooster onstage, being the greatest front man ever. It works. And then it didn't.

Onward.

Worst Rolling Stones song:

I'm tempted to say anything after 1974 (other then the great Love Is Strong or A Little T&A) but it has to be :

Angie

I fucking hate that song. I hated that song in high school. I hated that song in college. I hate that song now on my way to the AARP meeting. The speculation on who it's about I hate. Carly Simon had already done that. Damn, the time period it used to take for me to hear the opening note to when I flipped the radio station was so minuscule Steven Hawking would have been amazed.

My Favorite Rolling Stones song:

Gimme Shelter


Come on now. The song is pure raw emotion. Mick Jagger was never better. Add Merry Clayton screaming "rape, murder" is bone chilling. They were never better. If the apocalypse ever does come, I'm sticking this tune in my ears, Bring it on, Four Horsemen, I have Gimme Shelter going.

Masterpiece:

Sympathy For The Devil

I was tempted to say Gimme Shelter cuz it IS a masterpiece but Sympathy For The Devil is also a masterpiece. This song is part of the reason I have always felt a certain admiration for English musicians who seem to be writing smarter lyrics than their American counterparts (sorry Bob & Bruce, I don't mean you). I don't know why this happens, maybe perhaps because American musicians tend to be less educated (yeah,you Motley Crue) but the history lessons in this song show a certain awareness of history. It may have been the times, it may have been Mick Jagger's angst. I don't know. But it IS a masterpiece.

The Stones are certainly in the Top 5 of all time. There's no doubt. It's just that Jagger's act gets on my nerves sometimes. It gets on Charlie Watts' nerves sometimes. Remember the story of him punching Mick in the face for calling for "my fucking drummer" and then stating "You are my fucking singer". Goddamn ,Charlie, you ARE my favorite Stone ever. Even if that never happened, it should have.

Freddie's Dead!


Back on December 7th, 2001 my first encounter with the Phelps family occurred. A young Omaha North High School student named Brad Fuglei had committed suicide a couple of weeks before. He was an activist at North who had organized gay rights rallies and fought for nondiscrimination policies in other school districts in the area. He had accomplished more in his 19 years than the Phelps clan had ever dreamed of accomplishing. But whatever Brad's demons were, they won when he took his own life.

That cold day in December of 2001, the Phelps family drove up from Topeka in their vans and cars to stand outside North High with hateful signs and be the pains in the asses they so try to be. And 100 of us, instead of ignoring the evil as so many want people to do, went to show the Phelps folk that we did care about Brad Fuglei and their hate would not stand.

There were only 20 of the inbreds up here that day and Fred Phelps didn't show up. Coward. But the saddest part of the whole day was seeing little children holding signs that they couldn't possibly understand with looks of fear on their faces seeing the 100 counter protesters standing across the street. Child abuse anyone?

I didn't say much that day. Others, obvious veterans of the Phelps War, taunted Shirley Phelps with personal insults and memories of past encounters. It was almost like a professional wrestling match where the combatants knew each other. It was almost scripted. It was just sad.

Shirley Phelps was putting her signs in the van to go back to the rock she lives under in Topeka. The crowd had dispersed and I found myself 10 feet away from her. I am not a person who likes confrontations. But something came over me at that moment and I found myself screeching "Shame on you, Shirley, go home you hateful bitch!" She looked back at me and said nothing. Who won? Probably her.

A few years later she and her band of miscreants showed up to picket a dead kid's funeral. He had been killed in Iraq. I went to that counter protest also, but to help block them from being seen by the family of the dead soldier. Some guy drove by that day and pepper sprayed what he thought were the Phelps. It wasn't them, it was us. Thanks, man.

Now that Fred Phelps is gone, I feel nothing. I'm not happy. I don't care. His hatred just gets passed on. His death stops nothing. So to his haters, go ahead and vent and act just like him. Trust me, it's not worth the effort.

Times have changed right in front of this hateful family. They may be the LGBT's community's best friend. Seeing those crazy people through the years may have sped up the acceptance of gay marriage, gay rights etc. Who knows?

All I know is Fred Phelps, wherever he is, is still the most unhappy prick who ever lived. Rest in Peace,asshole. I can say that because I know it's impossible.

Monday, March 17, 2014

Masterpieces!


Nothing has pissed me off lately, other than certain basketball teams that have either won or lost, so I really want to talk about stuff I actually love for a change in honor of the hateful Fred Phelps.

Music has saved my life, and yes I mean literally, on more than one occasion. Listening to The Beatles, jamming to Neil Young, putting the brain on hold with 60's bubblegum or getting all what the fuck with Pink Floyd music has taken me from the depths of depression and self loathing to middle ground and self loathing which is normal to me. Not being a medication type, I have no idea what happy Max's Dad would be like. Frankly, it scares me.

But the music I listen to in an attempt to chill always ends up back at the basics. The Beatles. And then everybody else is 31 lengths back in 2nd place depending on my mood. The Doors, The Stones, Neil Young, CSN&Y, Simon & Garfunkel, The Who, U2, REM, Pearl Jam, Nirvana, The Airplane, Phish, Willie Nelson, Miles Davis, Joe Williams, Ella, Tom Jones, Alanis Morrisette, Chicago, The Doobies, Bob Dylan, The Monkees, Boston, Linda Ronstadt, Wynton Marsalis, or many others can come in 2nd depending on my mood. But the Beatles are always are number one. Period.

Masterpieces. What are masterpieces? The best anyone can ever do. And with that in mind here we go.

The Beatles:

Worst Beatles Song:

While My Guitar Gently Weeps

Sorry George, you made my favorite solo album of all four Beatles, All Things Must Pass, but this song so reminds me of Eric Clapton, the most overrated musician of all time, I cannot stand it. It's on a level with crap like Cocaine, the acoustic version of Layla, After Midnight, Tears From Heaven or basically anything else Clapton has subjected us to. Sorry, Clapton fans, I know he's God to many of you, he is a phone it in hack to me.

My favorite Beatles song:

I Am The Walrus- I have no idea why I can listen to this weird ass song over and over and don't care who remakes it. I love it like no other song they ever did. And I loved Bono's version, Jim Carrey did it, I once saw a chorus sing it at a Cheap Trick show and it kicked ass too. I discovered this in 1968 when as a wee lad I bought the 45 of Hello Goodbye at Hospe's Music at the Village. I am the Walrus was the B side. B side my ass!


Beatles Masterpiece:

A Day In The Life. What else can it possibly be? Oh I know there are tons of them that could be, but to me, this song is their masterpiece because you get both geniuses, John and Paul, in one song. From the beginning piano notes and John's "I read the news today" to Paul's "woke up fell out of bed" and back to John and that last note this thing is on par with anything anybody ever wrote. Ever.

One of the happiest moments of my life was seeing Paul McCartney sing his part of the song in person and having the brains to let somebody else do John's part. You could have struck me dead at that moment and it would have been fine because I'd seen it all.

That's my take on the Beatles. In the future other groups will endure my wrath, praise and devotion. Depending on when I get pissed or am pretty mellow like now.

Wait, what did Ted Cruz say???

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Republican Sweep!!!


A special election to replace dead Congressman Bill Young (Secretary Marryer-Fl)was held yesterday in Florida, so actually it's just a good thing no Republican voter shot a few black Democrats for threatening their way of life. The result was a good one for the Republicans who kept a seat they've had since about 1836 when Young was first elected on the Slave In Every Pot platform.

The new congressman-elect is one David Jolly (Bribe Artist-Fl)a former lobbyist and another bitch of the Koch Brothers. Jolly spent the entire campaign, or rather spent Koch Brothers money hollering Obamacare is going to take all your Medicare money and death panel you into the Gulf of Mexico as fish food. Old white people are sick to death of Obamacare stealing all their free money and giving it to the blacks and browns and all the rest of the 47% so they scootered out on their Medicare scooters and voted Republican cuz they are sick of all the freeloaders.

Meanwhile the Democrats and their loser chick candidate Alex Sink (Actually Lost To Rick Scott-Fl)are finished as a national party because of this election. It's obvious that soon enough, because of the overwhelming hatred of the Dictator Barack Hussein Obama (Anti-Christ-Kenya)that Republicans will win every single seat in Congress in 2014 by yelling Obamacare will murder you in your sleep and the Socialist Marxist Nazi Secretly Gay Obama will be impeached by a huge 535-0 margin very quickly in 2015 and everything will be fine.

Yep, it's gonna happen in 2015. Impeachment. And then the patriotic Republicans will take us back into the Garden of Eden where no gays can get married, guns are everywhere, white people can shoot anybody as long as they aren't white, abortion is not even thought of because all babies are precious unless they grow a little and want a fucking free lunch at the voucher school led by the Christians with only minor child abuse convictions, the sludge and gases pumped into the sky and water mean JOBS JOBS JOBS, the science gets a lot easier because everything is made by God, the Russians become pussies because of God's huge nuke he gave us, Allah believing Muslims will be forced to stop all that creepy chanting and listen to the soothing bells of St Marys, all the Mexicans will be deported back behind that dang fence, Liberty University will become the Harvard of the Jesus States of America and Medicare and Social Security will be eliminated and the savings be given to the Koch Brothers because they worked hard for it while you slacked of your whole life.

Ahhhh, 2015, now that David Jolly (Future Nobody-Fl) has shown the entire political pundit world that the Republicans are the force that cannot be stopped, even by an unstoppable juggernaut-ette named Alex Sink (Bank of America Hack-Fl), just don't even hold elections this fall. All you Democrats, just give it up now. It's hopeless.

The only problem is, I am not so sure most wimps who calls themselves Democrats don't actually feel that way.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

The Return Of SnarkNado!


Well there she is. Everybody's favorite schoolyard mean girl bully. The cocktease who gets the Republican doughboys all hot and the Republican doughgirls all confused.

The Quitta from Wasilla back onstage with her lousy open mike comedy club speech dazzling the dummies at CPAC2014 with her rhymin and talkin and jokin and bitchin. Oh what a speech it was, entertain the true believers who think a genuinely stupid person should lead the nation back into the days of white dominance and pure ignorance. Go Tea Party!

Finally reading at an appropriate level,but at least reading somethng finally, The Moosiah continued the GOP's fascination with Dr.Seuss by reading (I assume) some Green Eggs and Ham, CPAC style. Totally wrong of course. Not fact based of course. And not funny, of course.

Sarah Stoopid also went all mean girls with a shot at John Kerry's face. Why.The.Long.Face. Brilliant observational humor there, Corporal Obvious. The mean girls in the audience went crazy between gnawing on a homeless person's leg. Geez, there's nothing about Ms.Perfect anybody could make fun of, right Four Eyes?

Bible Spice continued the CPAC Putin love with the mind boggling rootin for Putin vibe that this convention of wimpy strongarm wannabees seems to want. No, Obama uses executive orders and is a dictator while man hunk Putin goes to his Parliament and gets approval to brutally suppress the Ukraine. I'm swoonin for Putin.

The Half Governor then went on to dismiss all the white men to go play "racin video games" while she talked to the white "sisters". Uh, oh. now it's really gettin dumb. The mens all playin video games and the wimmens listening to the Twit of the North's wisdumb. The IQ of that room just got sucked dry.

Reading from a teleprompter just like Nobama (shhhh)the MILF (Moron I'd Like To Forget)told the assembled group of self hating women that it's not the GOP who goes all Putin on them (oh my) but its the Democrats who treat them like "cheap dates". Cheap date? Really, Half Baked Alaska? Maybe we should ask the Fab Five all about that term.

Oh please, GOP. Please. Nominate this person for your 2016 loser tour. The thought of Caribou Barbie out there again on a daily basis amuses me to no end. Because unlike that CPAC convention of weirdos and twitching home schooled geeks who somehow every year convince themselves that 10%= 51%, the rest of us know the Mean Girls act only goes over until the vast majority wakes up and pops the bully in the mouth. Hey, Moosealini, bullyin is out of style. It aint the playground in Skagway where you are pushin around the kid with Downs Syndrome any longer. Nobody will put up with you. Your 15 is up. And Karma is a bitch.

But the one thing I drew from Chick Cheney's diatribe that hit home so much? Todd Palin has got to be the most miserable man on the flat earth world of Snowjob Square Glasses. Or the biggest masochist. Poor Todd.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

One Flew Over The CPACS Nest!


Cool. A turtle with a gun. Boners popped all over CPAC14 when that slow moving barrier to progress sauntered out with his gun and a look on his face like what the fuck am I supposed to do with this thing? Mitch was actually giving the gun away to Tom Coburn (NotAsBadAsImhofeButClose-OK)with no background check so yay for him!

CPAC is almost and I cannot stop watching the damn thing. Well, I lied. Actually I can't bring myself to watch at least on purpose. I was watching what I thought was Hannibal last night when it turned out to be even more horrifying that I was actually watching Rand Paul quoting Roger Waters, man. Aqua Buddha quoting Roger Waters to a room full of clueless nerds is like when Saint Ronnie Reagan quoted liberal scum Bruce Springsteen to a crowd full of clueless nerds birth parents. Man, these conservative rubes are just so out of it it makes me want to quote Ted Nugent to a roomful of under aged "legitimate" rape victims.

There is so much crazy going on at CPAC14 it often looks like The Chief is gonna pick up the nearest water fountain and throw it though the window of the Gaylord (really? a Gay Lord? CPAC?) National to escape his shitty busboy job.

Rick Perry(ClosetCase-Tx) spoke yesterday. Wearing glasses to make him look even nerdier, the Texas troubador spewed forth what they call red meat to the snarling attendees. Same old bullshit but what really struck me was that Rickey P apparently has found the three government agencies he wanted to eliminate back in 2012 when he blew up by going "oops". Perry blathered "Get out of the health-care business. Get out of the education business. Deliver the mail on time and on Saturday." Ok Rick, so you want to get rid of Medicare, Medicaid, public schools and want to keep the United States Mail Service going at a billions of dollars deficit? Shrewwwwwd, y'all!

Donald Trump (Casino Buster-NY) not only mistakenly killed off Jimmy Carter, he quoted South Park, well in a roundabout way by telling the future Wall Street crooks in attendance that the "illegal immigrants" are "takin your jobs" . Oh yeah, the CPAC geeks wanna work at a slaughterhouse? Wow. More shrewd.

Mike Huckabee (Libido Killer-Ar), though he's not really sure he's running for President in 2016 (can christians lie like that?) went after Hillary by the whole Benghazi Benghazi Blowjob Benghazi screed. Huckabee, the former Chris Christie lookalike of Arkansas, cant stop blaming tragedy, whether it be a massacre of children, or the murder of an Ambassador he had no idea of until it became politically advantageous, on the abortion pills evil Obamacare will force Hobby Lobby to provide to its slutty libido crazy clerks. Mike, go back to stuffing your issues down your throat and stop vomiting your issues on everybody else.

Finally, today will feature the highly anticipated closing remarks of one Sarah Palin (Reality Show Con Artist-AZ) who will get all comfy and cozy and do all that talkin and stuff about dat liberal media gosh darn it and da whole You-Krane ting where she would solve it by just bein all folksy and charmin dat Pootin guy while dat Obama character just keeps hopin and changin America to da socialist wasteland it will become. Check this wenches tax returns since John McCain unleashed the fury on us. She's doin pretty good for herself connin da hicks and rubes. Tanks, Obama!

CPAC Over The Cuckoos Nest.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Ryan's Dope!



That is Wisconsin vampire Paul Ryan (EddieMunster-Wi) speaking in front of that devil sponsored CPAC convention. You know the Conservative Political Action Conference, that yearly event where Republican doughboys go to snarl at the poor and meet up at the Ziegfields/Secrets in their Ronald Reagan leather masks after the snarling is done for the day.

I challenge you to listen to that failed Veep candidate carry on about how the poor don't give a shit about their children like "they" do and not want to reach through the screen and throttle that jug eared motherfucker. This guy has gone beyond pissing me off now. This widow peaked fuckstick, who survived on his dead Daddy's Social Security benefits, slipping in some bullshit story told to him by a hack out of Scott Walker's office about a little boy who just wanted a sack lunch and no Government cheese.

“What they’re offering people is a full stomach and an empty soul.”

Excuse me while I clean the vomit off my keyboard. You, you pious cheese chomping prick, offer an empty stomach AND an empty soul.

No wonder Uncle Joe was laughing at YOUR empty soul.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

What's The Matter With Nebraska?



Geez, I usually have to wait at least a week or so before I have to take back something I said. Well here goes. That Nebraska movie, where I said we all have common sense and are really nice? Fuck that!

We have a Governor's race here where we get to replace a short little Republican fuck with another perhaps taller Republican fuck. Now last time we had a Governor's race, and by governor's race I mean the 2006 Republican primary because the Democrats put up a scarecrow every 4 years now, we had a race between a classy, legendary football coach named Tom Osborne and a guy from Fremont who used to dress in a little suit when he was a wee Fremonter (he still is wee, I mean when when he was 8) and pretend he was Governor of Nebraska. The football coach lost, thank Gawd, and went on to save the Huskers from the clutches of Bill Callahan. The tiny Fremonter won and then was re-elected in 2010 when the Democrats found the one guy in the state who was a crooked Democrat and he dropped out.

Now the current Governor, have I mentioned his name is Dave "Fremonter" Heineman, has to leave cuz of that whole two terms thing and a whole new set of assholes have crawled out from under the rocks. Despite Heineman's right wing prick reign here, he was never a loudmouthed Mark Levin type. Now......oh my......nothing but loud mouthed asswipes are vying to get the Republican nutjob vote.

Their ads are goddamned awful as they vie to be the most right wingy , pro life, pro gun, pro being a dick candidate ever. Fuck Mexicans, fuck women, fuck pussies with no guns, fuck President Blackenstein, fuck liberals, fuck homos, fuck poor children, fuck everybody except the oppressed white Christian male majority and their subservient women.

This is the future for a decent people? I mean one of these shitheels, current Attorney General Jon "Fish Eyes" Bruning has photos of himself glaring at Nobama and promising to "fight" him. I assume Bruning will leave his sheet at home.

Pete Ricketts is a rich prick from Chicago who keeps his house here so he can run for office every once in a while and has new hope since his Daddy bought our current United States Puppet Senator, Debbie Fischer (Rickettsbitch-Ne)a nice cushy job for 6 years in 2012. That after Daddy failed to buy Petey a Senate seat back in 2006.

Beau McCoy is another jackoff who apparently is running against Rachel Maddow. Jesus, Beau, nobody voting in the Republican primary knows what she looks like because they have their grizzled mugs staring at Megyn Kelly with their hands in their pants every night. Give it up.

The rest of these Republicans are nobodies. Same old ads. Same old stances. I'm just waiting for the lynching Obama ad which will take one over the top.

I weep for my state. Well, not really. I just am very sad these dicks have taken over here too. Welcome to Kansas. What's wrong with us?

Sunday, March 2, 2014

We're Still Number One!


33 dead in Chinese knife attack. 109 injured in Chinese knife attack. And it took a "gang" to do it?

Cue the NRA child murder advocates to gloat about "Knife control" or "good guys with guns".

China is full of pussies. Come on China.5 people kill 33? Damn, we have assholes who could kill 33 with one fucking gun all by themselves.

U S A! U S A!

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Oscar Time!


Oh where's the time gone again. It's Oscar time where conservative America gets to make fun of the only rich people they don't like and wonder how Alone Yet Not Alone got screwed over by those liberal Hollywood types.

It took me awhile but I've seen 99% of the so called good movies and a lot of some that weren't so good. In fact I paid money to see that piece of dung called The Counselor. Never in my life did I think I would be repulsed by Cameron Diaz. Thanks, Counselor.

My Top 10 of 2013 goes as follows:

10) Inside Llewyn Davis --Damn how I wanted to love this movie. Crissakes, I went to the local snobby movies theater and paid outrageous amounts of cash to see this before it went to the chains. Oh well. Hey, don't get me wrong, The Coens made another good movie. It was well done, well acted and the soundtrack kicks ass if you're into wimpy folk music with meaningful lyrics. But.....I didn't love it like I wanted to. Some old guy (and by old I mean one day older than me) exclaimed outside the theater "I looked forward to this movie for a long time and it wasn't that good". Yep.

9) Blackfish --this was the best documentary of the year. And I saw at least 2 or 3 so take my expertise for what it's worth. But the storyline made me hurt. The abuse, the indifference and the total lack of compassion for these magnificent killer whales made me angry. Yeah yeah, I know Sea World is pissing and moaning and the backlash is out there from the animal abuse advocates but see this at all costs. Make up your own mind if sticking a St.Bernard into a cage meant for a Yorkie flies with you.

8)Rush --hey I'm not fan of car racing, Ron Howard movies or rod up the ass Austrians but this movie actually thrilled me. It made me realize there's a bit of Formula One racing fan inside me. The sounds, the speed and the drivers not named Darryl or Dale or Ricky Bobby were very appealing. I would see this again in a heartbeat. And Daniel Bruhl and Chris Hemsworth can really git er done.

7)Saving Mr.Banks . Oh I know this was trashed as Disney propaganda and there is no one who hates what has become of Disney more than me. But dammit, this was back before Walt died and the bullshit was still somewhat real. Yeah yeah I know P L Travers was a horrid woman and a lesbian and probably went to Sea World and cackled at Shamu's fate but Emma Thompson is brilliant in this role. Tome Hanks is brilliant. Paul Giamatti redeemed himself from being that awful slave owner in 12 Years. But Colin Farrell as the drunken father of the young Ms. Travers was the one you couldn't take your eyes off. Everybody complains that Emma Thompson got fucked out of a nomination. Hey what about Colin Farrell?

6) Mud --this is McConaughey's year. All right all right all right.. This little movie features Matthew McConaughey as a kind of spiritual,chipped tooth mystic to two teenaged boys. For an indie, this one made my damn day the day we saw it. See it.

5) Captain Phillips-Paul Greengrass cannot make a bad movie. This flick has incredible tension when you know the ending already. That's not easy to do. Tom Hanks in the last 5 minutes of this thriller does the best acting of his life. It got dusty in the room when I saw him in shock at what he'd been through. He wins Max's Dad's Oscar. It was also great that Greengrass did not turn the Somalis into cartoons. Yep, they are criminals, but at least an attempt to understand was made. "I'm da captain now" and "maybe in America" were fucking powerful lines.

4) The Wolf of Wall Street--the hype over this movie made afraid to see it. It's porn, it's over the top, it's ridiculous, it glorifies greed. Really? It was Scorcese's Goodfellas on PCP. If you've seen Scorcese over the years and worship at his altar as I do well it really wasn't all that shocking. Reprehensible people doing reprehensible things. That's what Marty does. If you liked anyone in this movie other than Kyle Chandler's stand up guy FBI agent, well then, go fuck yourself. Oops, went a little Wolf there.

3)Her --Joaquin Phoenix got hosed too on the nomination process. Spike Jonze makes some weird, wonderful movies. You cannot deny his creativity and the ability to come up with new ideas. This movie about a guy in the not too distant future who develops a relationship with a voice on a computer can either frighten you or thrill you. Personally it frightened me that this IS the future. There is no doubt that eventually people will become content with this kind of "relationship". Good luck humanity. I'll be long gone.

2) 12 Years A Slave --its hard to watch. It's hard to endure. But it's Schindler's List like brutality hits you like a punch to the gut. Goddamn, I don't know how actors say these things, do these things and become such hateable people. But Michael Fassbender, Paul Giamatti, Sarah Paulson and Paul Dano are all the worst characters ever. Ralph Fiennes in Schindler's List has competition. Everybody talks about the whipping scene as being the worst but tell me that watching Chiwetel Ejiofor hang with just his tippy toes hitting dirt while people go about their daily duties isn't the fucking worst thing you witnessed at a movie in 2013.

1) Nebraska --hey I know all of these people so maybe THIS was the best documentary of the year. Hey, like Fargo did in Minnesota, it pissed off many here in Nebraska as portraying us as rubes and hicks and dumb. Wrong. It portrays us as we are and if the truth hurts, well so be it. These people in Fargo and now Nebraska are decent and good folks and if you let that go over your head because you want to appeal to the coasts, tough. Some people already think we live in flyover country (and they are correct) so a film featuring plain talking Woody Allen intellectuals isn't gonna change anybody's mind. Live with it. This movie is a wonderful exercise in storytelling and Will Forte keeps it all together in an underrated performance. This is my best movie of 2013 and if you think I'm prejudiced for Alexander Payne well you are correct. I think the man is brilliant.

Fruitvale Station would be 11. Dallas Buyers Club would be 12 and McConaughey and Leto are both worthy Oscar winners. Blue Jasmine and it's you are who you are message was 13. All three movies are worth watching.

Now about Gravity. Ehhh. I saw it in 3D. Great effects. But would I see it on a regular screen or on television? I don't really know. It wasn't bad but it did not move me like it should have.

American Hustle? Couldn't stand it. Other than Robert DeNiro's surprise cameo, in which he shut down Christian Bale's DeNiro impression as far as I'm concerned, this movie was just a bad Wolf of Wall Street. Reprehensible people doing the reprehensible things. But this time there was no Kyle Chandler as a All American FBI guy, just Bradley Cooper's permed scuzzbucket FBI agent.

There it is. I'll be watching the Oscars just like everybody else. I'll be ashamed of myself throughout because I actually give a shit. But whatever, like Sally Hawkins in Blue Jasmine, I am who I am.