Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Noah's Lark!

I cannot wait to see Noah for a lot of reasons. Russel Crowe's Aussie growl, Jennifer Connelly's American whisper, Emma Watson's Hermione Granger accent, Anthony Hopkin's English professor accent and Ray Winstone's English growl. Man, talk about diversity on one stinking boat.

I'm also a sucker for Bible stories. Heavy on the story. And if it pisses off the Christians and the Muslims, well for chrissakes, this has to be the best Bible movie since Last Temptation of Christ. Though the Muslims tend to be a bit crankier about perceived slights to their superstitions than Christians, the fact both groups are so butthurt over a movie makes me so happy.

If I remember my Catholic school propaganda correctly, Noah gets a message from God that he is really pissed and will destroy the earth because people are pricks. But Noah, you build a giant boat using a cubit as a measurement and get two of every type of animal, male and female and put it on your giant cubit boat. God is gonna flood the earth and kill em all and let Him sort em out. So Noah gathers all the animals onto his Mitt Romney sized yacht and then it starts to rain and rain and rain for 40 days, kind of like it does in Seattle (have they ever checked THAT area for the elusive Ark?) So the flood kills everybody and all the animals including cute little puppies and tiny little human babies and even fetuses. Yeah God is pro-life my ass. So God is really busy for 40 days sorting em all out, you down you down you up you up you down etc...... Then Noah sees a dove or something with an olive branch in its mouth that lands on his yacht, errrr, Ark because it was really tired from flying around for 40 days and Noah goes yessssss, mate. And God sends a rainbow and Noah and his clan kill the dove and eat it cuz they already had two doves, right? And then God, history's biggest mass murderer, promises to never ever flood out the earth again, at least until even HE can't help it when man wrecks the earth all on his own.

So I can't wait to go see Noah starring a bunch of Englishmen, an Aussie knucklehead and an American babe. But I'm going to see it on a Sunday morning because all the dopes who actually believe this happened will be in church listening to other fairy tales, right? Love Sunday mornings, all the riff raff is confined into one space.

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