For My Next Trick I Will Swallow A Football!

This is Chip Saltsman. Chip wants to be the head of the Republican National Committee. What are Chip's credentials? Well, he ran Mike Huckabee's presidential campaign and took it farther than anybody ever thought it would. But Huckabee lost to an old guy who lost to a secret Islamic terrorist so Chip is still a bit weak in the old "name me one accomplishment you are proud of" interview question. But Chipper is no dummy. He knows what kind of people are still proud to admit they are a Republican. You know, the kind who tells you how funny Rush Limbaugh is. The kind who laments the loss of a good old Polack joke. The kind who finds parody songs witty. Chip decided to send out free CD's of a tune affectionately overplayed on the EIB network called "Barack the Magic Negro". Excuse me while I compose myself I am laughing so hard.

Please, Mr. Republican, make this guy your next chairman. Please. Please. While you're at it, please grease the skids to make Tripp Johnston's grandmother your next nominee in 2012. I'm already giddy and the Magic Man hasn't even taken office yet.

Ya Know? You Betcha?

Some are comparing New York's next Senator, Caroline Kennedy, to a certain Governor of a state full of refugees and fugitives because she says "ya know" a lot kind of like that hackey mam said "you betcha". Big difference there, my friends. The "mavrick" is 44 years old and has at least 6 alma maters. Caroline is, what, like 6 years old? Come on. give the kid a break for chrissakes!

Merry Christmas To All!

That about sums it all up. Have a great day everybody.

Happy Birthday To Max!

Twelve years ago, Max came into the world pooping and screaming. Things are sooooooo different now. Happy Birthday Max! We love you!

2009 Couldn't Go Fast Enough!

Say, if you're looking for that last minute Christmas gift (nobody would buy it for Hanukkah or Kwanzaa since no Jews or blacks voted for her) for the Joe the Plumber in your life? Just go hang it in the garage or put it under the mattress now and save your Joe the time.


I kept my promise to never type that person's name ever again!

The Phelps' Children Cry For Help!

The latest from the fine folks at the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka,Kansas. Are those poor children trying to tell the world what Fred does to them at night? Nonetheless these kids need some good old liberating. How about it, Dick Cheney?

This time the attention seekers are crapping all over Santa Claus. If you wish to give some attention, and throw up at the same time, check out the latest Christmas carol courtesy of the Lennon and McCartney of Kookooville, Shirley and Fred. It's on youtube if you can handle it. But check out the taped child abuse at the very end. Yo!

The Purpose Driven Inauguration!

Ok by now everybody knows that the fat, smiling, glad handing Rick Warren has been asked by the President-elect to give some sort of invocation at the Inauguration. The left has gone batshit crazy over this slap in the face to their ideals. All I can say is who cares? Who gives a damn what millionaire man of God gets up and prays for the country? The only thing I'd actually listen to is if the Reverend Jeremiah Wright started hollering and rolling his eyes. Now that would be something to watch!

Rick Warren is James Dobson with charisma. Throw a few alms to the sick and poor in your speeches while maintaining your homophobic and misogynistic reality and you have a million-selling author. But once again I don't care if Rick Warren or Warren Sapp for that matter get up and invocate away. It means nothing. Who gave Bush's invocation? Who gave Clinton's? Nobody remembers, not to mention it didn't do any good anyway.

So lather up all you lefties. Maybe with a little practice you too can become outraged at unimportant issues like Bill O'Reilly's crowd tends to do. Or better yet, move on and while Warren is blah blah blah-ing like Charlie Brown's teacher, actually work behind the scenes and get something started.

Somber Like It's 1999!

The call came around 11:10 PM on a Thursday night, December 16, 1999. My Mom informed me that my Dad had died just a few minutes earlier as she attempted to help him to bed. Oh, I knew he was dying, I just didn't think it would happen this fast. He had gone through his first day with hospice people and was becoming too much to handle for my Mom. I think he just decided I'm done. What was I to do? I told Sheryl ,who began weeping, and then I went over to the house to say goodbye. All the way over I kicked myself because I had not gone to see him that Thursday night. When I arrived I hugged Mom and said I was sorry I hadn't come over. Then I went to his room and he lay sideways across the bed, eyes partially open, looking so tired. So tired. Any fear of death I had left me that night. My Dad looked so worn out from fighting that I knew wherever he was, even if he was nowhere, was better than where he'd been the last few months. Then the mortuary guys showed up to take him away to the Nebraska Medical Center where medical students would use him for research and training to help better mankind. That's how I remember my father, selfless even after he was gone. I wish I could be half the man he was. Dad, I miss you, I love you, and I hope you're finishing the back nine somewhere. You deserve it.

Bambi & Humper!

And you think YOU had a bad day?

I Think I've Spotted The Problem!

Ya know I don't really know much about recessions and slowdowns and economic meltdowns and bailouts, but I do know about piss poor management and the American car business is the most ineptly led industry outside of the Chicago Cubs. What kind of blind nitwits who live through the gas lines, the oil boycotts, and the sharp increase in gas prices in the 1970's learns absolutely nothing? Why, it's the American automobile industry followed closely in 2nd place by the American public. I am tempted to say screw both of them, and have just done so, but the far reaching effects of an automobile industry shutdown is just too devastating.


The Republicans oppose this bailout for one reason. Is it because it violates the rules of capitalism? Is it because the taxpayers are getting the driveshaft? No, it's because the Republicans despise unions. Busting a union is a GOP'ers wet dream and the UAW is a big pinata to bust. So throw out the lies about UAW wages being $70 per hour and reinforce the stereotypes of fat union workers sleeping on the job and go to town. That little stunt on Thursday night where the Republicans pretty much asked the union to void its contract? Despicable.


Like I said, I have mixed feelings on this. Bailing out mismanaged businesses is the epitome of socialism. Remember when McCain and Edith Bunker kept calling Obama that word? But what else is there to do? Giving $ 800 billion to these crooks in the banking, insurance, and automobile business makes me sick, not to mention the fact that many of these Republican senators have been doing Toyota and Honda and BMW's bidding for years with tax breaks and outright taxpayer payments to those foreign companies to build plants in their states. $800 billion was more than enough to fund a national health care plan, you know, the kind of thing that makes Republicans have seizures because it helps the poor and the middle class.


So a big screw you to all of you. The car companies, the banks, insurance companies, the Republicans. You just make me crazier than I already am. I'm going to go pull the covers over my face.

And You Thought Spiro Agnew Had A Funny Name?

No folks, it's not some 80's pop star clinging to his look while playing his keyboard heavy oldies to big haired 45 year olds, it's Illinois strongman Hot Rod Blagojevich ducking back under his rock. Where did this guy come from? Who votes for a guy who looks like that? The Republican must have looked like Paulie Walnuts for chrissakes.

It seems Blags wanted to sell the Obama Senate seat to the highest freakin' bidder and got caught on tape soliciting bribes, dropping the effenheimer on the Obama team, and plotting the next St.Valentines Day Massacre. Needless to say, it seems Rod The Hairball will be visiting the special section at Joliet that houses other Illinois politicians.He may have company when Jesse "Kung Fu" Jackson Jr. outdoes the old man and hits the big time by getting indicted for attempting to bid on that freakin' Senate seat.

Oh Illinois, Land of That Frickin' Finnochio Abe Lincoln, what have you done again? Wasn't your last Governor a Joliet resident too? It's been about 143 years since Honest Abe made your state proud. Since then, it's pretty much been one racketeer after another. Let's hope Obama breaks that losing streak. As for Blags, you made Tony Soprano look like freakin' Gilligan. Good job.

So Terrorist Free You Can Even Dump It Down Your Sewer!

While out driving looking for a viola bow for Max, I came upon this gas station. Apparently if you buy gas from these patriotic folks, they swear they won't help fund terrorist organizations such as the Muslim Brotherhood, Al Queda, Hammas, or Wal Mart. How can any red blooded American not buy gas from these fellas? Only terrorist loving Obama voters would pass them by and get their fuel next door at the Quik Trip. That's where I took this picture while getting gas at the Quik Trip.

Next Stop, Hell!

Looks like America's favorite ex-football player acquitted murderer has run out of juke moves. Ol' number 32 apparently decided to pick the wrong state to eff with. After California and Florida couldn't get him, the loosest place on earth got him. Good job, Nevada. You went Obama in November and cashed in OJ's chips in December.

I can't wait for that Nevada State Pen versus Leavenworth Federal football game. Mike Vick leading the feds and OJ running for daylight for the staties. Don't laugh, there's always the Fox Reality Channel out there.

58 Is The Loneliest Number!

Looks like Georgians have decided to re-elect Grandpa Groper to the United States Senate and keep the Democrats stuck on 58 with no way to get to the magic number of 60 where they could simply command the South and the Midwest to shut the eff up. Well, at least the little girl in front will be safe for another 6 years.

Things I Just Don't Get Or How Old Do You Have To Be To Get A Pension In England?

Now and then I ponder things others profess to love, and I don't understand. Others can do the same with my love of jazz, or horse racing, or Black Oak Arkansas. But the following are things I really, truly, do not get.

1) The Rolling Stones after 1975

What is about these guys people pay hundreds of dollars to see and hear? For chrissakes, I saw them in 1981 and thought they were phoning it in. Jagger has become a parody of himself, Richards is cashing the checks, Wood is a sad old man, and Charlie Watts is way above this oldies circuit shiite anymore. They haven't had a decent song since Mick Taylor left the band. Please, stop encouraging them.

2) NFL football

My goodness, if they didn't have a pointspread, would anybody watch this sport? Week after week, it's the same old thing. Run, short pass, short pass, punt. Four ex-jocks in a television studio pontificate about each game as if it means anything to anybody with a life. Who has 4 hours to give up to watch this dreary exhibition of tedium? It's worse than going to Mass.

3) Madonna

What does she do? She can't sing. She can't act. She speaks with a fake English accent. She breeds with personal trainers and has a penchant for taking down professional athletes. Look at her career. She doesn't even know what she is.

4) The Founding Fathers

Everytime you hear some conservative blowhard attempting to justify their 18th century mind out comes the Founding Fathers card. What would the Founding Fathers have done? What was the intent of the Founding Fathers? Well I say, who gives a poop? These guys, and I mean all guys, obviously meant for blacks to be slaves, Indians to be eliminated, women to be oppressed, and a well regulated militia to be the only ones to have guns. Oops, forget about that last one. Doesn't fit the conservative blowhard agenda.

5) Disney

I don't get it. I didn't get it when I should have gotten it. I hated it when I was kid. It's so damned goody two shoes. I preferred Bugs and Daffy and Yosemite Sam. They had an edge. Disney characters are like something invented in an LDS lab. Who can honestly say a Disney character has ever made you laugh? Ok, Dumbo was cool and Bambi was sad and Old Yeller made me weep. For godsakes, no wonder I hate Disney. They are depressing.

6) Golf

I played it a lot when I was a kid. But after awhile I never got any better. So I gave it up. It used to be fun to put on your t shirt, cutoffs and sneakers and walk a decent public golf course with your golf bag slung over your shoulder for about 4 bucks. Then the public courses got greedy and stuck in a dress code, forced you to rent a cart, upped the price to $40 and actually expected people to participate. And they do. Unbelievably so.

7) Pickups

Ok fine, if you live on a farm I get it. If you live in a city and drive one, well, is it because of your shortcomings? Do you feel manly? Do you need somewhere to stick your big dog? I'm asking that of the chicks. Buy a car.

8) Julia Roberts

Is it that laugh? That humongous mouth? That Oscar? Oscar? Are you effin kidding me? Julia Roberts has as many Oscars as Robert DeNiro? Marty Scorcese? This actress has a much more talented brother and much more talented peers who have no awards. Come on now, folks, to make her look like a bohemian they paired her up with Julia Stiles and Kirsten Dunst and both of them made her look silly.

Well there's more, like Aerosmith, New York Yankees fans, SUV's, Texas, skiing, roller coasters, indoor baseball and football, Notre Dame, Tony Bennett, boats, hunting, the stock market and Michael Phelps. But all that for another day.