Oklahomo!

Please stop! My sides hurt from laughing. These judges are killing me. Utah and Oklahoma's gay marriage laws are unconstitutional. What next? Nebraska? Gawd I hope so.

It's been a bad year for the Gawd fearing Oklahomans who praise Jesus when their house gets destroyed by a twister and they stay alive even though their next door neighbor got a steel pipe through his head.

Their genius constitutional amendment outlawing Sharia law was thrown out by a federal judge who couldn't stop laughing after reading it.

Satanists want to put up a 7 foot statue of old Beezelbub himself on the state capitol grounds because there's already a big stone copy of the Ten Commandments there and hey what the hell, equal time for all mythical figures and nonsensical suggestions.

And now, the gays will be coming to a trailer park near you looking for somebody to force marry.

Oklahoma, you better be ready for the Lord's wrath again this spring. I heard he's really pissed and is going to send all sorts of tornadoes because of all this federal judging keeping you from establishing your own little Jesus dictatorship. Hit the basements now, Oklahoma. Like you do every year.

Shhhhhhhh. I just spoke to God. He told me to talk to Mother Nature about the wind sweepin down the plain.

Forget About It!

Oh godammit, now look what this mook went and did. Not only did he waste money getting his balloon stomach stapled, now he had to go and implode. What da fuck, Chris?

Chris Christie, the loudmouth Republican Governor who even some dumbass Democrats tell me they like, is embroiled in some political nonsense so utterly petty, it is going to end up wrecking my whole 2015 and 2016 fun. What the hell! I was looking forward to seeing him blow his stack at the idiocy standing onstage with him at the Republican Presidential Debates and then turning and screeching at the tri corn hatted neanderthals who wandered inside and applaud starvation, slavery, executions and act all Pol Pot when it comes to those they don't care for. You know, the riff raff out there stealing their tax money and not working while they are all self sufficient on their Social Security and Medicare. Christie may be a goon, a hothead, a screaming out of control thin skinned yeller, but he isn't Teabag Nation. And that, my friends, is why I'm so upset at the self demolition of The Christie Casino.

Christie, such a sarcastic shit heel (and trust me I love sarcastic shit heels cuz well you know)cannot stop himself. He is who he is. A vengeful citizen of New Jersey who doesn't take kindly to being denied what he wants. Hey, if da mayor of Fort Lee doesn't wanna play ball, well then, a little traffic accident may befall his wonderful town. After 4 days of that, anybody will come around, dontcha think? And if not, aw fuck, they found out?? Quick, fire the Irish broad and that rat bastard campaign idiot who kept his e mails.

Christie has gone into full Schultz mode. He knows nuthin ,he sees nuthin, he heard nuthin. Shit he didn't even know he was taking Hurricane Sandy money and making ads with his family to get people to come to his state. He doesn't know nuthin. He doesn't know where the last piece of cake went. He doesn't know where that last piece of pizza went. He doesn't know anything. He's perfect for the 2015-2016 Republican debates and now, for fucks sake, he's gone and blown it.

Now we're gonna have to listen to the incoherent blatherings of a bunch of dimwitted morons like Santorum (don't google him), Oops Perry, Cuba Si Castro No Rubio, Dudley Do Right Cruz and that jug eared fuckstick Paul Ryan.

Thanks a lot Chris Christie. Not only did your bullying tactics blow up in your fat face, you had to go all Nixon and proclaim "I Am Not A Crook, errrr, Bully!"

There ya go, TeaBag Nation, your RINO has been slain. Now you can get back to worrying that maybe Santorum once gave a guy directions, Perry said "Ola" to an immigrant, Rubio put a buck into a red kettle, Cruz once took advantage of Commie Canadian health care or Ryan is a secret socialist thanks to his Rage Against the Machine listening.

Thanks again, Chris Christie. Even though you no chance of convincing those pinheads who vote in your parties primaries and show up to your caucuses in their Buicks to vote for you, you would have entertained me throwing a gasket at some knucklehead heckling you from the scooter section.

And oh yeah, as long as you're apologizing for everything, could you throw in a big one for your state spawning the likes of Antonin Big Tony Scalia and the shrew Michelle Malkin?

Save Me Bono!

Bono is there for everybody!

Sassy Pants!

Here in Nebraska we have a United States Senate race to consider in 2014. I mean it will be tough job to replace our fine sitting Senator, Mike Johanns (Who?-Ne), a man so invisible and so devoid of any principles he lets Nebraska's other Senator, the Mags Bennett of Northern Nebraska, Debbie Fischer (No she's not Margo Martindale-Ne), tell him what to do. But Johanns has decided he's had enough, kind of like when he'd decided he'd had enough of being a Democrat a few years back, and he's quitting to collect pensions and lobbying fees.

Since we here in Nebraska wouldn't elect a Democrat to anything ever since President Blacky McBlack took over it's a gigantic Republican clusterfuck to get that seat.

Thus far, five Republicans are vying for the nomination to become the next United States Senator from Nebraska who will quickly disappear from the face of the earth and thus assure himself of endless re-elections cuz we all here don't like that attention grabbing shit.

The candidates include some guy named Clifton Johnson, a guy who apparently looks like George Washington if you can even find his website. Don't google him or you get a black guy from North Carolina. Clifton Johnson has less of a chance than Tony Clifton.

Another Republican candidate is named Bart McLeay, one of those pro-life nuts, pro-gun nuts, no taxes nuts and cut spending unless it's free money for farmers nuts. Bart McLeay has as much chance as Bart Simpson.

Sid Dinsdale is running. Sid runs a giant bank.'Nuff said. Sid is Mr.Potter. He thinks all food stamp people are frauds, loves immigrants as long as they're white, and wants to debt ceiling eliminated. Christ, typical banker. He's too big to fail, but if you fuck him over on that car loan, you are toast. Dinsdale has as much chance as that Monty Python Hedgehog always looking for Dinsdale.

Now the contenders:

Shane Osborn. He's a miltary hero, haven't you heard? Did Shane get his leg blown off in 'Nam like former Senator Bob Kerrey? Nope. Back in 2001, Navy Flyboy Shane was flying a US spy plane around a Chinese island and some Chinese fighter collided with his spy plane. Oh I'm positive it was that Chinese guy's fault, crazy red bastards they are. Shane saved his crew by landing his spy plane under difficult conditions. Heroic? Indeed. Of course what other choice did he have? Unfortunately he landed the plane in China and the commies all got a good look at a US spy plane for 10 days. They were gonna give Shane a medal for this. And they did.

Shane ran for State Treasurer in Nebraska and won. Well of course he did. He spent 4 years doing whatever it is a State Treasurer does and then decided he's ready for the big time. Osborn has the endorsement of the Freedom Works kooks so I guess that's good. Shane Osborn leads in the polls because he's the only one anybody's heard of. Isn't he that guy who brought the Chi coms to their knees by giving them his plane?

And then there's the above pictured douchebag name Ben Sasse. Ben Sasse is a down home Nebraska conservative with common sense. Born in Fremont, you know, that city that outlawed Mexicans, in 1972. Ben was forced to stay here till 1990 because of that whole parents paying for him thing. But dammit as soon as he turned 18, he was so outta here when he went to Harvard, Yale, then back to Boston. Then Ben went to DC and served the Bushies until 2009 as one of those creepy bureaucrats republicans hate so much. So with my limited math skills, Ben Sasse, down home Nebraskan, spent 19 years outside of Nebraska and 18 years in it only because he had to. Liz Cheney even says damn man, what a carpetbagger.

Ben Sasse wants to be Senator so bad he brought that jug eared miser Paul Ryan here to endorse him. He has the endorsement of the Dick Army. And now he's so desperate to prove what a Nebraska rube he really is, he wants to bring the Capitol of the United States to the middle of Nebraska for some goddamned common sense. Oh I know he aint serious cuz only a fucking lunatic would be, but Sasse's other ideas are lunacy. For instance, besides the obvious Tea Party bullshit, Sasse actually said on tape that if Obamacare became law (too late,dipshit) the United States would "cease to exist".

Oh for fucks sake. Look at that guy. He looks like one of those sleazy lawyers on The Good Wife. He's currently only at 7% in the polls but he has money behind him. Guys like Sasse scare me. He reminds me of those TV preachers who suck the IQ challenged out of their money. In this case the IQ challenged have something more important than money. Votes.

Just to be clear, if guys like this get Senate seats, the UNited States WILL cease to exist. Keep smilin' pretty boy. Maybe that lobbying job you covet will be there after you lose. God I hope so. Bruce Dern is more of a Nebraskan than you are.

Phil Everly!

10 years ago or so when the feuding Simon & Garfunkel came through town for what was I believe their last "reunion" tour Max's Mom and I secured tickets in the nosebleed section. To see Simon and Garfunkel, perhaps one of my five favorite rock, folk, whatever acts ever, was a dream come true. They did not disappoint, though dammit, I'd prefer to hear THEM sing The Boxer rather than the row of fucking 50 year olds in front of me.

But halfway through the concert, on came the Everly Brothers from Shenandoah, Iowa (that's mandatory to say around here to remind us there IS some talent lurking in the hinterlands). Don and Phil Everly ran onto stage with acoustic guitars and absolutely great poofy wigs you could see from space. This legendary duo, huge just a bit before my time, banged out the required four masterpieces everyone knows (Wake Up Little Susie, Let It Be Me, All I Have To Do Is Dream), including help on Bye Bye Love from Paul Simon, and sprinted back offstage. I didn't realize it at the time, as they were onstage no more than 10 minutes, but I had seen the origin of a lot of music I loved. For without Don & Phil Everly, there is no Dylan, no Simon & Garfunkel, no Hollies, no Mamas and Papas, none of that kind of melodic ear candy that makes you forget the fact there really is very little beauty that you can hear.

The Everly Brothers fought just as much as Simon & Garfunkel. Phil may have been the influence that Rob Reiner used in This is Spinal Tap when Nigel Tufnel threw his guitar down and quit the band mid show, when he did the same back in the 1970's during a show. Like most geniuses, the egos were strong and the fighting was long. The Everly's weren't together for much of my childhood and teenage years when the bands like Simon & Garfunkel, The Byrds and Crosby Stills Nash & Young were making me relax and keep my angst in check but I know their stuff now. I never really appreciated them until that night 10 years ago when four of the smartest, most talented people in the world shared the same stage for about 5 minutes of so. Goddamn, that was something.

Phil Everly is gone now. Shit.

Sweet Home Alabama!

This is why I often don't like football. Yeah,it's football, not pro rasslin'.

Sit down and take the Alabama loss like the man you are, you fucking hillbilly.

Yes, they breed (she has 3 very proud young uns) and vote (gee I wonder who for).

She's probably a hero down at the You Might Be A Redneck If Baptist Church!

Faster! Faster!

Thanks Colorado for legalizing weed. Now we'll have thousands and thousands of gays traveling to Utah to get gay married stopping off to get baked and start raping, pillaging and playing the piano really fast.

The end is near.