Abortions 24/7 Step Right Up!

Oh what it must be like to wake up every day just pissed. Pissed that it's not 1955 and white guys still run everything and Mexicans live in Mexico and women don't work and don't put out (wink wink) and the blacks stay away and live wherever they live and what the hell is a homo and everything was just wonderful. Yeah vote Trump cuz he says stuff we say at the bar.

Conservatives wake up that way and have for 6,000 years since Gawd created Adam & Eve not Adam & Caitlin and all the dinosaurs were friendly and let ya pet em on the stomach until that tramp Eve ate the apple and screwed up all things for white men forever. Oh man are they pissed.

What now you ask?

Planned Parenthood. Oh my goodness! That organization that aborts Gerber babies 24/7 and and then maniacally laughs, puts down its chain saw and then sells baby parts to Doctor Frankenstein? That Planned Parenthood? Yep, that Planned Parenthood.

Well of course that must be stopped by the good folks at the United States Congress who couldn't be less interested in catering to dummies and exploiting lies for profits. No way. They are so concerned for babies they may just cry. Oh the humanity. God wants us to attach anti-abortion bills to highway bills because God is the most pro-lifey guy ever. Except for all that Old Testament smiting and shit which we don't pay any attention to unless we want to smite unarmed black people or lousy criminals or dangerous lions. Hey God loves all babies, right? Unless they're Egyptian or something. Or the first born of a cow? Wow, that Bible is one wacky book. I'll have to read one someday before I burn it in front a christian church while discriminating against christians like what happens never.

Planned Parenthood has been the boogieman of all nutjobs for years. Why? Well not so much because of what conservatives say but because of what conservatives actually believe deep down inside their black hearts. That all women are sluts, tempting men all the time into having sex and making men all horny.And because of Planned Parenthood these harlots do not have to suffer the consequences of their temptress ways. Which is being stuck with a baby, I assume fathered by a man, and being shamed and shunned and then when the baby is force born having conservative white guys refuse to pass laws to help babies thrive. Then their harpy mothers can just sit around and think about what they've done. So there! Guys? Move along, it wasn't your fault.

Heavily edited videos featuring baby parts selling and organ harvesting are fine and dandy to get talk radio assholes and pissed off old people all riled up. When the videos show well off white women (grrrrrrrr) being all well off and shit well then it's even better cu we know all women should be maids and secretaries. Yep, some kook burger place called the "Center for Medical Progress" which i assume, like "Americans for Prosperity" is named only ironically has released these videos and fueled AM radio scum for days. I haven't watched the videos because quite frankly I don't give a shit.

Planned Parenthood does good work. It saves lives when it's not aborting babies all the time or in the case of conservatives, doing D&C's. So I don't fucking care about edited videos. What I care about is honesty. And honestly, these Republican congress critters are liars and psychos. Now THAT makes me cringe.

Oh Iowa. Thanks a lot for your total irrelevance yet somehow, relevance. Please I beg you. Vote Trump.

Rolling Stones 2015!

Hey I've said some not so kind things about the Rolling Stones. I admit it. A parody of himself. A 70 year old man chicken dancing. A legendary guitarist who can't play anymore. Another guitarist who can't sober up. And the coolest drummer ever.

But in Kansas City in late June, only cuz the Max-man wanted to go see them, we went to Arrowhead Stadium.

Impressions:

1) Ed Sheeran is a great performer. He can sing, he can write songs, he can perform. I liked him a lot So did some 40 something woman who couldn't stop white people dancing for 40 minutes.

2) Rolling Stones fans are really old. Unlike me of course who is young and vibrant and doesn't have a gray hair on his head. OMG! Is that me? Never mind.

3) Rolling Stones fans are decrepit and love to drink. Shattered is now a song about Stones fans knees. My goodness, it was like looking at a Social Security disability rally. You really oughta take better care of yourselves. Now let's see if I can get up off this couch.

4) Drunk Rolling Stones fans in the upper deck of a football stadium with a close to 90 degree angle set of steps should not start dancing and twirling cuz OOPSSSSSS, down goes Frazier. You are going to kill yourself! How some people survived is a mystery.

5) Ok ok I was wrong about the Stones sucking as a live band. When I saw them in 1981 I didnt much care for them. Then I went back and saw the setlist from then. Yeah I understand you guys thought you were still relevant and shit back then but look at that setlist! No Sympathy, No Gimme Shelter, no Satisfaction? Instead I got a steady diet of She's So Cold, Shattered, Miss You and Hang Fire??? What the fuck! Now do you get it? In 2015 it was what it should have been back then. Look at this setlist from 2015.. My god. This stuff was classic. Street Fighting Man, thanks to Max voting for it online. Gimme Shelter with the great Lisa Fischer sending chills down your spine during Gimme Shelter. Happy, with Keith, one of the top 5 Stones tunes ever. Jack Flash, Sympathy, Satisfaction, goddam they played them all.

6) Mick Jagger is still a bit of a parody of himself but this man at 70 plus is amazing. He never stops going, he never stops running, he never stops overhand clapping. I love ya Mick.

7) Charlie Watts is still the coolest Stone. Period. The man visited the Jazz Museum and the Negro Leagues Museum while in Kansahhhs City. Charlie was introduced, reluctantly came off the drum set and waved with a puzzled look like why am I wearing this silly hat with KC on it? Charlie is the glue, man. Without him, the engine stops. Watching him drum at 75 years old is also amazing.

8) Keith Richards is actually articulate. I could understand almost 75% of what he said. Was that all an act, Keith? He can't really play anymore what with the arthritis and all but who cares? The licks he can play are still classic and a must.

9) Ronnie Wood. Yep, he's still around.

10) I do stand by my statement that the Stones haven't written a good song since about 1972. Sorry, but it's true. But then, again, either have the Beatles.

11) Concert merchandise is fucking expensive. A t-shirt for $45? Really? I haven't bought a concert tee since about 1984 when Bruce Springsteen was in these parts and I paid $10 for a t shirt that featured the Born in the USA tour dates on the back including a stop on "Oaklahoma City". I still have it. It covers up about half my gut now. But it was $10. Max, being a kid and all, had to have one. I was happy to buy it for him.

12) Driving 3 hours home in the dead of night in a rented VW Beetle can be harrowing. Just ask that family of 3 raccoons in the middle of I-29 somewhere around Glenwood. Oh sorry, I think maybe one survived the Beetle Blast. I still feel bad.

So glad we went as I can now stop thinking the Rolling Stones suck as a live band. Welcome to the oldies circuit boys. Us oldies appreciate NOT hearing Shattered or When the Whip Comes Down or the dreadful Miss You. Oh wait? What? I did hear that? No I didn't, that was bathroom break time. Thank you to my bladder.

Happy As A Tornado In A Trailer Park!

Have you had it with these assholes yet? I have, since I was about 5 back when this loser, treasonous, racist, keep me in the 19th century, white supremacist, look at me I'm such a rebel, look at me I'm such a dumbshit, look at me I am a loser, did I mention loser? flag first became all popular among the bigots who are all for states rights and hate minorities.

These are a bunch of Oklahomo-ans and probably Texass residents "greeting" President Blackenstein as he arrived in Oklahomo City to go be where he belongs, in a federal prison for all the crimes he's committed. Ya know, like providing health care for people and tripling the Dow Jones (no Okla-Texass that aint some pansy ass Jew from Noo York City)and killing all them Mooslims.

Holy shit on my shoes. You people are great. Keep it up. Greet President Black Panther with that flag of treason and genocide everyplace he goes. Follow him around in your truck and wave that shit for brains flag all the fucking time. Please. And keep denying its all about race and slavery. Yep, I learned that in my Texass textbook. Keep it up. In fact start following Hillary around with the flag that tells everyone looking all across the nation that I am a racist piece of shit and I vote Republican.

Look at that picture. They all look the same. Camo cap, beards and a dead eyed glaze that says more where's the nearest 3.2 beer coming from than boy am I proud I'm from a land of losers. And yes, how does it feel to be in the back of the bus, so to speak, with all those minorities in front of you thrilled to be taking pictures of President Uppity?

Goddam, there isn't going to be a Republican President again in my lifetime!

Wave it!

PS-- ya know they just love their Jesus in Oklahoma but as they say, Jesus would never have been born there. Something about a lack of 3 wise men. No joke, just fact.

2016? Is That The Number Of Republican Candidates?

Oh politics. I am so sick of all these motherfuckers I cannot even believe the sincerity when they express sadness over the weekly mass murder that makes us all proud of our Second Amendment. And there's a goddam 16 months to go until the next Democratic president wins. But until then let us look at the field for the 2016 Who Wants to be Bought by a Billionaire Derby.

The Republicans have so many delusional assholes who believe people will vote for them with anything other than a hatred of the blacks or the browns or the reds or the yellows or the gays it has become comical.

Here is my list, in order of my preference, and my preference of course is purely based on entertainment value, and the hope for a landslide win for Hill or Joe or Bernie or Barack after he declares martial law and jails all the nuts in a Wal Mart along with the already jailed employees of Wal Mart.

1) Donald Milhouse Trump

Who the fuck else? This troll is a dream. With his hubris and his lies and his complete duping of dumb people, this guy is a candidate all Republicans can get behind. Cuz let's face it, the completely phony racism of this guy rivals only Saint Reagan for riling up the Mark Levin crowd. You may ask yourself how anyone with a functioning brain can do anything but have a hate/hate relationship with this bullshit artist, but let's face it, working brains are getting weaker and weaker. As far as I'm concerned, the dumber the better. Yer hired!

2) Ted Calgary Cruz

He looks like Squidward, he is hated by even Republican Senate assholes, and he's a fucking Canadian. This dick has announced he will personally block all of Obummer's nominees cuz he's all mad about a deal with Iran cuz he wants to send naive' kids to die so he can get a hard on or something. Cruz is "that guy". You know, "that guy". The guy who no matter what it is, he is the one screaming for attention cuz deep down he knows he's a dope.

3) Rick Don't Google Me Santorum

Ok, he's back. Why? His double digit beat down when he ran for re-election the the Senate in Pennsylvania wasn't enough to kill this guy? Santorum, always timely, this week compared the racist Confederate flag to the racist Planned Parenthood even though he doesnt really mind the loser Confederate flag that much. Margaret Sanger was a racist so uhhhhhhhh yeahhhhhhhh shut down PP. Yeah ok not at all racist Rick, your argument is pretty blahhhhhh

4 Ben Did I Operate On My Own Brain Carson

Ben. The latest guy Republicans shove forward to say heyyyyyyyy seeeee, I'm not a racist cuz I like Ben Carson and now I gotta go forward the latest not racist Obummer cartoon. Carson spent the last week raising money from totally not racists so he could live like a rockin neurosurgeon should. Rock on Doc.

5 Bobby Piyush Jindal

Yeah in India, Bobby is short for Piyush. I think. Jindal, probably more than the rest, couldn't wait to blame Chattanooga on Nobama. Firing away with his popgun mouth, Jindal claimed the actions of a lone nut shooting up a movie theater, oh sorry that was the white nut, the actions of a lone nut murdering 4 Marines and having one of "those" names (ya know like Piyush) was the result of Hussein Obammer not saying hey we are at war with radical Islam, now send that drone to totally not kill all those radical islamists. Jindal is so stupid he may move up on my dream list

6 Scott Rat Face Walker

This turd, who apparently masturbates when he hears the name "Reagan" which explains why his family won't let him watch The Exorcist cuz who needs a grown man furiously playing with himself while some 14 year old girl jams a crucifix in her nether regions. Walker, who cuts $250 million from the University of Wisconsin budget while expressing support to give $400 million of taxpayer money to billionaires to build a new arena for some basketball team that hasn't won since Kareem was Lou. Fuck this guy.

7 Carly Are You Still Here Fiorina

Yeah yeah she ran HP into the ground and got millions for her efforts. Yeah yeah she ran for Senate and got more millions for her efforts. Why is she still here? Oh yeah, she's the seeeeeee I am not a sexist pig cuz I like her and Michelle Obummer has a fat ass and Hillary has cankles. Carly Fiorina was interviewed by that commie Katie Couric and said that even though climate change may be real China doesn't give a shit so we shouldn't give a shit either. And what newspapers do you read?

8 Chris Lap Band Surgeon Doesn't Want You to Endorse Him Christie

Ok Tony Soprano. The thought of an actual bum fight between him and Trump on a stage during a debate is just plain awesome. Uh yeah Donnie Junior kick his ass for me. Christie is just so bad he explains his dismal approval rating in Joisey by claiming its cuz they want him to stay Governor and not be President. Keep eating those no fat donuts Christophahhhhhhh. Christie is blaming liberals for the recent murders in San Francisco and DC cuz ya know, libs let people outta the hoosegow really early and probably tell em to go kill people. Christie should probably be higher on the list. His meltdown is days away. All the time.

9 Marco Polo Rubio

this lying sack of medianoche was across the river last night and was greeted by dozens of Republican hipsters at Bass Pro Shop. Rubio is one of those guys. You know the guy who is so horrified by the deaths of 4 Marines by Mohammed Abdul Somebody and couldn't give jack shit about 9 people slaughtered by a white guy named Dylan. War War War. Rubio hates the Iran Deal because well uhhhhhhh I just do. He wants war goddamit. Now go hide in your bunker.

10 Rick Mister Peepers Perry

This guy fell down the list badly cuz he actually made sense for the first time in his miserable life by slamming the Donald. Of course, Trump then Rick Rolled Perry by demanding he take an IQ test before being allowed in the debate. Man, would that be ugly. For all of them. "A toxic mix of demagoguery and nonsense" to describe Trump? Who wrote that for you Rick?

11 Mike Shower Boy Huckabee

This guy is a walking gaffe. If he's not creeping out 14 year old girls by slobbering about how he wanted to shower with them cuz of Caitlin Jenner he's claiming he can win the black vote cuz he was all down with the brothers when he was Governor of Arkansas. Yeah I guess cuz he didnt stand in a schoolhouse door he's a really compassionate guy. Mike, listen, when you spend the last 7 years ripping a presidential black guy a new one day after day you can't suddenly say "right on" and crank up the Wild Cherry.

12 Lindsey Oh Mah Stars Graham

this fucking guy has made sense for about two weeks now. First was the very human Joe Biden moment for which I may never forgive him for (cuz I want to hate his guts so bad) and then the climate change moment. And then reality sets back in and the Iran deal fucks up Lindsey's war hysteria. How can I start a wah-yahhhhhh if they keep making deals? Oh Lindsey, stick to being human please.

13 John Governor of Where Kasich

Oh Governor John. You are a waking contradiction. You took the free Medicaid money which any half intelligent Governor would do unless they were a rich motherfucking Trust Fund Baby. Then you try to relate to blue collar voters and they look at you like who the fuck are you and why are you screwing up my break? I hope you like governing Ohio or Iowa or Idaho or wherever you govern, John, cuz you'll be doing it again soon.

14 Rand Freedom Unless I Am Offended Paul

Is he still running? Did his hair jump off his head and run away? Oh yeah he's still out there. Restrict immigration from Mooslim countries cuz of Chattanooga and freedom. And no highway money cuz of Planned Parenthood and freedom. Yeah fuck you 'Merica, go drive into a giant sinkhole on I-80 for all I care, that Planned Parenthood doing all that legal shit is outrageous!

15 Jeb I Really May Be The Dumb One Bush

He's gonna win. He's gonna buy it. Y'all know that right? Everybody's favorite Uber enthusiast couldn't even bullshit a driver to even lie into saying he's vote for him. How's he gonna convince everybody else? Well he may cuz he's just that bad. I mean come on , consulting his brother, the war criminal, on furrin policy? Convincing people he's "moderate". Come on now. Terry Schiavo anyone? Bush is well, a Bush. That name is good enough to convince the dullards who actually make nominees say ehhhhhhhhhhhh well at least I've heard that name someplace. Yikes.

The rest of them don't hit radar or sonar or even GPS. Pataki? Too Jewy for most mouth breathers. Gilmore? Didn't he have some girls or something? Ehrlich? He's the horse an egomaniacal owner sticks in the Kentucky Derby that has no chance.

And yeah I left some Republican contenders off . Like Hillary Clinton. Feel the Bern baby!

Neil Young!

In all my(indecipherable)years of concert going I have never seen Neil Young live. I've seen Crosby and Stills and Nash but Young never showed up. Well finally, the 69 year old Neil showed up 'round these parts last night and Max and I went.

Jesus H Christ, forget Max. He's a casual fan. A greatest hits young 'un. He thinks Neil is Eddie Vedder's father. Sorry kid, Neil Young is moving onward and the greatest hits tour aint happening cuz Neil is pissed off, constantly.

Young's new album is a rant against Monsanto, Citizen's United, Monsanto, Starbucks, Monsanto, dumb Americans, Monsanto, and more Monsanto. Ya see, Neil is not a happy man that corporate giants strangle working farmers and the political system. And dammit, he's gonna sing about it. For 3 hours and 20 minutes he's gonna sing about it, jam about it, and jam some more about it.

Opening act Band of Horses, of whom I am a fan, played a strong 40 minute set of indie music. A talented group of South Carolinians with a lead singer who can sound a bit like a young Neil Young at times, the political message got off to a start when they proclaimed for the first time in their lifetime, they were proud of being from South Carolina cuz ya know that treasonous loser flag got taken down the day before. And Ben Bridwell, lead singer, can't sleep cuz he has a Ghost in His House. Love that song.

Then it was time for Neil. A couple of young girls in overalls and hats, chewing on straw, came out to spread seed, water flowers, and then do it some more and more and more much to the consternation of drunken fans anxious to start rockin.

And then........After the Gold Rush........Heart of Gold.......Long May You Run.....Old Man....and Mother Earth with Neil playing an old organ. Nobody else...just him.....guitar and harmonica........like Dylan.

Then comes Promise of The Real. His band for the I Hate Monsanto tour. The Nelson boys, Lukas and Micah, not Rickey Nelson's boys, Willie Nelson's boys. A kickass bassist, Corey McCormick, a kickass drummer, Anthony Lo Gerfo and another percussionist, Tato Melgar and you have Crazy Horse Junior.

An hour of folk rock, country rock if you prefer, with only one "hit", Harvest Moon. This is gettin good......Max is yawning....

And then......hoo boy....Neil Young picks up the electric guitar and we are off to the races, my friends....

I don't even care what he played, he is a true jazz man, a jammer, you could tell the Nelson boys (geez Micah, are you old enough to be up that late?) had to improvise on numerous occasions cuz they had no idea where this was going.

Neil played his entire new album, preaching the word on Monsanto musically, while saying almost nothing between songs. Except when he said "We dont want to offend anybody, but we wont be happy till they're not happy". Amen brutha!

He covered Crazy Horse at times. The Down By The River jam took at least 20 minutes. I was in heaven cuz again, he can play whatever he wants and as long as he wants cuz he's goddamn Neil Young and he is not predictable. And that is what makes him relevant. He keeps going.

Now a lot of fans may not like that he keeps moving ahead, and there were plenty including Max, but Neil doesn't give a rat's ass what anybody thinks and if you want to come see him, come, and if you don't, don't. Period.

There were only 6,000 or so at this show, which is fine. He is a legend, but a niche' legend. Not everybody loves this guy like I do. But for chrissakes, in the middle of an acoustic set, while listening to a monster song like Heart of Gold, why in the fuck do the "Woo Girls" all start doing their thing? It wrecks beautiful moments.

Damn, I'm old.

Max may not have been enthralled by the No Greatest Hits Tour but I can still hear the jamming that went on during a new song called "Big Box". If you don't think that Big Box is good enough and as thrilling to hear as Cowgirl in the Sand well then, you need to stick with the state fair circuit. Hey, I hear Foreigner and Night Ranger and Def Leppard are coming. That oughta be just up your fuckin alley.

Rock on Godfather of Grunge!!

Philly!

I never wanted to go to Philadelphia. Probably affected by my parents telling me what a dump it was and how everybody there was a negative prick. But that was the Frank Rizzo years I guess when the city was run by a pseudo mobster and the place was filthy. But a cheap airfare, geeking out over being on the east coast in April and one last chance to take Max someplace before he leaves us forever (yeah right), Max and I flew to Philly for a crazy weekend of Phillies baseball (or Giants baseball in my case) and unknown adventures.

1) I want whatever pilot for Southwest Airlines flew the Chicago to Philly route at 8:30 am on June 5th, 2015 as my personal pilot. Every single time I've flown east, somewhere over Pennsylvania I feel like death is upon me. Thousand foot drops, bounced around like a popcorn machine, holding onto the seat in front of me thinking that will stop the roller coaster ride. This guy, this pilot, flew a perfect route. No bouncing around, no nuthin. When I said "thanks pilot" I really really meant it.

2) The cab ride from Philly Airport to downtown is $28, flat. That's fine. I didn't have to anxiously watch the fare meter climb and climb. In fact this cabbies meter didn't work anyway, until he took it apart while driving and put it back together again.

3) Philly has subways, Yay! But good luck finding a machine to buy a ticket at. At least one that works. The gate folks don't give change, so I overpaid to ride it virtually every time. But it was fine. A fine subway system.

4) The Reading Terminal Market is insane. You walk in and voila' insanity! Every type of food you could possibly want is here. And it is crowded as shit and you have to be a really aggressive dick to get anything, unless of course you're buying fresh produce from the Amish over in the corner. Funny I didn't see any horse and buggies parked outside. Max was overwhelmed. He made me flee. To a Muslim run chicken joint a block away. Hmmmm, Islamic chicken.

5) We stayed on the edge of Chinatown. Max didn't want to walk through Chinatown cuz the funny writing scared him or something. Walking to downtown from 12th and Race and passing thru the Convention Center, devoid of any conventions we saw anyway, but not devoid of cups of piss sitting on street corners. Hey what am I, a Cubs fan?

6) Walking from 12th and Market south. Towards the historical sights. Boom, you're there. This is a walking city. An interesting city.

7) Hey it's Old City. Hey it's the historical district. Its the waste of time that is Penn's Landing. And hey, what's with all the rainbow flags and women soccer players? It's the Gayborhood! Yeah , ya give those people rights and the next thing ya know, they form their own neighborhoods make the place all fabulous. I wanted to go into some place called "Woodys" but was shot down by a stick in the mud kid afraid we'd look like some old hippie chickenhawk (is that even a term anymore?) and his chicken or whatever.

8) The historical sights are well worth it. Mostly free. But timed. So get your free ticket asap. Lots of people don't and don't get in. Loved the Independence Hall. Such a great tour guide who actually mentioned my pet peeve. Why is 1776 considered the big year when the war didn't end until 1783 and the constitution wasn't ratified till 1789 either? Oh well, keep blowing off your hands on July 4th , what do I care? Dammit I do!

9)The Rocky Statue. The Love sign. The Art Museum steps. Be prepared for guys and gals all over looking to make a buck taking your picture. Geez, you can't get to the Rocky statue without being assaulted by Annie Leibowitz wannabes. I did have an interesting conversation with a guy who couldn't stop talking about the 1965 San Francisco Giants. Jim Ray Hart? Stretch McCovey? Sey Hey Willie Mays? Wow man, I thought I was the only one who remembered those guys. Damn, I'm old.

10) The Eagles Stadium. For $12 you can take a tour of Lincoln Financial Field and see the bowels of the stadium , the press area, the field itself though torn up thanks to a Taylor Swift debacle, the sky boxes , again the worst seats in the house, and the locker room which is huge. And some of the players jerseys and equipment hanging up. And yes, Tim Tebow had a locker.

I have toured stadiums before and I loved everyone. In Lincoln,Nebraska they are really proud of their sellout streak and crappy skyboxes where you cant see anything. In Green Bay, Wisconsin they are really proud of anything they have that's "better than Chicago" which according to Packer tour guides is everything (but do not touch the precious frozen tundra which isnt frozen cuz they have heaters and they're better than Chicago) and in Arlington, Texas they really really like Josh Hamilton and won't let you in the locker room cuz some neck stole Josh's jersey. Josh Josh Josh. That's where Josh sits, that's where Josh plays, thats where Josh hit a home run. Well then, no wonder he ran off to Los Angeles for a while.

In Philly, they are really really proud their fans are complete assholes. Hey that's where the opposing teams buses come in cuz they cant park outside cuz Philly fans will destroy it. Here's where the opposing team's locker room is right by the field so they can hear the charming insults from our great asshole fans. We are the worst and dammit we are so godamm proud. Too bad they didn't bring the courtroom over from the old Vet. We were sure proud of the fact our asshole fans could be fined right then and there for being assholes.

11) The Phillies. They suck. The fans know they suck and boo regularly. But they show up. And get outshouted by the traveling horde of Giants fans I see everywhere I go. Lets go Giiiiii-ants!

12) Madison Bumgarner is an pitching artist much like Greg Maddux was. I loved watching Maddux pitch. It was like watching DaVinci. The Phillies knocked MadBum around a little ( a grand slam by Jeff Francouer?) but at one point he had thrown 59 strikes and only 7 balls. That is amazing. So deliberate and matter of fact. And quick, no fucking around on the mound.

13) The beer vendors at Phillies games are the best. Oh my god. I though this first guy was challenged on a sanity basis. Millahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrghhhhhhh.....and wooter. Classic. And kind of scary at first.

I had a soft spot for this dude however, Maybe cuz he looked like a beer swilling Santa Claus. And he auditioned for a Streetcar Named Desire every minute. Give him the role already!

Philadelphia. The City of Brotherly Love. And lots and lots of beggars, some of whom were great at fist bumps. And one who we thought dead though once he was told the ambulance was coming couldn't get out of there fast enough to avoid a hospital bill or a trip to jail.

A pleasant surprise was Philly. Lets go Giiiii-ants!

DC & NYC!

Yikes...finally...off the desert island of Writersblock-istan. It's not that I don't give a shit anymore but for awhile there, I just didn't give a shit. The constant bombardment of stewwwpid we get around here, and by here I mean Planet Earth, was just too overwhelming. So basically it was fuck everybody, humans can go extinct for all I care and while I'm at it fuck A Rod too. But then I looked at an 18 year old kid going off to college and thought, keep fighting,dumbass.

So, what have we been up to for 4 months? Lemme tell ya.

1) Went to Washington DC and New York for a week.

a) DC just pissed me off. I hate that den of corruption. It may be a good thing for middle schoolers to permeate the city like a plague of giggling termites because by the time you get to my age, you just want to tear the place to the ground and start over.

b) The only truly moving moment I had there was at the Holocaust Museum when you turn the corner and see the piles of shoes. I gasped. I teared up. It smelled like 75 year old shoes. It smelled of death. Giggle at that, middle schoolers.

c) I always thought when I saw the Vietnam Wall it would make me cry, or feel moved. Nope, it pissed me off. What a fucking waste of humanity. I know you apologized but fuck you, Robert McNamara.

d) Arlington Cemetery. What can you say? So large. So white. So filled with kids. JFK is there. So is Bobby. So is Teddy. That's one place none of that whore like Ricketts family will ever be.

e) Pandas at the National Zoo. Free to look at the pandas. Then you can leave.

f) Inedible lunch at the Smithsonian costs somewhere around the national debt level. Wow. It may be free to get in, but shit, if you wish to survive, you're scrwed.

g) Amtrak. Oh god, the Amtrak is unsafe, its a boondoggle, its just a waste of tax money, why don't you people ride the shuttle or get a limo like all of us Congressional assholes do? Peasants. Hey, all I can say is Amtrak got us to New York on time and I lived. So good for Amtrak.

h) I love New York almost as much as I love Chicago. And I love Chicago so much just a TV or movie shot of the Sears Tower makes me go HEY HEY!!! like Jack Brickhouse. Sears Tower, National Airport. Sorry, I don't call anything by its new name, especially if its bought or named after a man who ruined America.

i) Broadway is the most phenomenal thing EVER. To see Les Miz on Broadway, and see It's Only A Play on Broadway. Goddam! What can be better? I'd go broke there. And Nathan Lane just may be the funniest man alive.

j) David Letterman is a genius. I was so sad to see him go. Nobody is like him, nobody will ever be like him. And we saw one of his last shows live on a Thursday night. The 4-5 hour wait and the shit seats in the last row of the balcony not withstanding, to see him in person was thrilling to me.

k) The subway may be the greatest invention ever. Who needs a car there? That's why the streets are plugged full of nothing but yellow taxis and an occasional rube from Ohio who wandered in thinking he could park free at the local Motel 6.

l) Purely personal. My Dad went to Fordham University after he was through kicking Hitler's ass. He used to tell me how he would go to Yankee Stadium and see Ted Williams and to the Polo Grounds to see the Giants. When on a rainy bus tour, we saw Yankee Stadium and I asked the tour guide where the Polo Grounds were he said I'll mention it. Christ, Yankee Stadium is right across the Harlem River from where the Polo Grounds stood. I get it now, Dad. I could see him at both spots.

m) Times Square is as corporate as you can possibly get. Sbarros? Olive Garden? Red Lobster? McDonalds? M&M's store? Holy crap. I know they are the only ones that can afford the rent to be there, but jesus it was depressing.

n) Moving moment #2. After the shoes at the Holocaust Museum what could possibly be even more moving? Hey, it's the 9/11 museum or whatever it is at Ground Zero. Last time we were at Ground Zero it was still a gigantic hole in the ground. Now its a huge Tower and a museum. Go to the museum , walk through, and then you turn a corner and hear it. The hundreds of distress signals. The beeping of distress signals. Ugh! It is THE thing from 9/11 I can never forget. The day after day of that sound coming from the rubble as rescuers searched for anything that may have survived. I couldnt get out of there fast enough.

Thats part of April in the last 4 months of Max's Dad. More to come.

Feel The Bern!

It's been a long time since I've been to a political rally. I think the last one was when I had to see this Tea Party bullshit back in 2010 and knew then what an early bird special at Golden Corral must be like.

Yep, Bernie Sanders came to Council Bluffs, Iowa on Friday night to rally the troops in his quest to unseat Corporate Lackey and presumed Democratic nominee Hillary C. Hey this place was nuts. There were well over 2500 folks there screaming and stomping and standing and looking for torches to go get the Frankenstein monster which is modern politicians like the Hillary.

This crowd was young. Like I used to be. Incredibly idealistic and some would say naive but nonetheless these young people want change. Yeah, I realize that 2500 people in Iowa on a Friday night is nothing compared to the thousands more young people getting hammered and saying who is Bernie Sanders but goddamit , it was refreshing to see that they exist. And judging from the parking lot, most of the 2500 live in Nebraska. Where are these kids when lisping turds like Ben Sasse get elected in Nebraska? Ok, stop getting depressed, Max's Dad. This rally was epic stuff.

Sanders has no chance. I know that. But to make Hillary Clinton turn away from her corporate masters for a few minutes to pay attention to the rest of us is worth it. Hey, over here!!!

The news media in Omaha, a small burgh across the river from Council Bluffs. Fuck them! While 2500 plus are going batshit cray cray in Iowa stomping their feet to the thundering roar of left wing populism, aka common sense, the news media in Omaha is covering a tea party rally in a park in West Omaha attended by dozens of old white people sitting in lawn chairs lithening to Thenator Ben Thathe and our illustrious dollar store Lex Luthor Governor , Pete the Trust Fund Boy. Dozens of old white people! DOZENS!!! That's what the local yokels cover?

Of course it is.

Me And Earl And The Dying Girl!

I don't go to a lot of movies anymore, mostly because I don't have the time, the money nor the interest in comic book movies but every once in a while I indulge.

Me And Earl And The Dying Girl is the type of movie that makes me happy. Happy because it lets me know there are real film makers out there with a reverence for storytelling about real people. Man, is this one a gem.

Me And Earl And the Dying Girl pretty much sums it up in the title. Awkward teen boy named Greg, is about to struggle through senior year of high school along with buddy from other side of tracks, Earl. They are both film geeks who make parody films and watch classic movies at home and hang out in the weird history teachers office eating lunch.

Forced by his mom to "hang out" with a girl named Rachel who was recently diagnosed with leukemia, Greg finds out who he is. A sweet kid with a conscience and a lot of self doubt.

Being a love story it is not, unless you think it may be a love story to movies (which it is). None of this is predictable. It features homages to indie films by showing chapter headings like "This is the part where I get into my first fight ever".

Me and Earl is a movie that will make you cry. Oh there's no doubt about that, just read the title again, but there are a lot of laughs and a lot of sweetness getting to the balling your eyes out part.

It's smart (the "hot Pussy Riot girl" reference) and sweet and damn good.

Please support this type of movie. If you do, they'll make more.

And hey, Nick Offerman and Connie Britton are Greg's parents. Yep, Ron Swanson and Tammy Taylor. They are worth the price of admission alone.