Tuesday, June 16, 2009

You Say Tomato And I Say Why Me?

That's me. The Freak Magnet. All my life I have attracted life's deadbeats,drifters and derelicts. I don't dislike this as much as I am amazed that it continues to happen over and over. I mean I have no idea why if you walk through the Field Museum, you see great exhibits of history, art and science and I see some Chicago schizo playing one man tug-o-war over in the corner who then comes over and starts a conversation with me while zipping up his pants. I've had drunks in the mall try to tackle me while laughing hysterically, taken passed out alkies in my apartment hallway to the dry out facility, had hard-core criminals take a liking to me while at the same time threatening somebody else's life, had women I don't even know walk up and ask me if I'd take them to the local abortion factory, had religious cult members kidnap me, had strippers buy me beer, was befriended by Canadian bikers who drove me around Winnipeg, and early this morning at approximately 4 AM, my freak magnet went off in my sleep.

A 24 year old woman rang my doorbell at 4AM. After establishing in my sleep stupor that she was legit as she was dripping wet, crying and standing like a flamingo on my porch, I opened the door and asked a real clever question "May I help you?" while waiting for her "accomplice" to attack. She has been beaten and thrown from a moving car on the busy street I live on by a guy named "Kevin". Pretty much carrying her to a couch and setting her down allowed me to get to the phone and call 911. Needless to say, 4 cops, and 8 paramedics showed up to take care of my freak magnet moment. As they carried my latest freaky friend out the door and the paramedic asked her "who did this to you" , she exclaimed " I don't want to go to Kevin's house!". I think my new BFF was drunk, as most of my BFF's turn out to be.

The Omaha Police, who actually shot a dachshund last week for nipping at some wimpy cop's shoe laces or something, also told me to take my Westie to another room. I took that as a threat and complied. He was looking at his shoe heel a bit too aggressively I guess.

Anyway, calling all freaks. I am open for business yet again.


Just Kevin... said...

I can attest to the fact that babies and freaks come at you like no one else!!

Jack Jodell said...

Max's Dad, the world needs far more "freak magnets" just like you. I am honored to be associated with you through our blogs. Keep up the good work. You're an everyday American hero!

Project Christopher said...

and here i thought I was the only Freak Magnet! You're very kind, but what else could you do?

now is that Kevin someone WE know??? :)