When Does Mike Hunt Speak?

This is the weekend when America's biggest cranks get together and call everybody a "socialist" and a "communist" and a "bolshevik" if they think saving a nation is somehow important. Oh, it's the Conservative Political Action Committee's annual convention. Can you imagine how much bathroom toe-tapping is going on right now? It must sound like Stomp is in town.

This is the convention where thus far we have unconfirmed UN hater John Bolton making a hilarious joke about nuking Chicago. Minnesota dingbat Michele Bachmann going all Barbara Billingsley in Airplane, speaking jive to RNC chairman, and resident oreo, Michael Steele, and saying "you be da man" not once, but twice. Conservative economic and foreign affairs expert Joe The Plumber talking out his poopchute. There was a 13 year old dork competing with Mr.Plumber for the title of Head Mouth Breather. This is the place where the mayor of Los Alamitos would feel right at home with the fried chicken and watermelon jokes these folks find so knee slappin' funny.

To end the convention on Saturday, the basement dwellers will get their porn when speakers will include every patriotic American's favorite thrice married drug addicted viagra enthusiast, El Rushbo, chain smoking voter fraud participant, Anorexic Annie Coulter and then some hillbilly chick from Alaska will close the place down and charge the taxpayers of the Fugitive State at least $60 per day.

No wonder Bill Buckley checked out early.

I Am A Commie Homo-Loving Son Of A Gun!

Sean Penn won his 2nd Oscar the other night for portraying Harvey Milk . That was great in itself since it saved us from having to listen to Mickey Rourke. However, what Sean Penn said in his acceptance speech was the most honest statement that c an be made to folks who have a problem with gay people. Sean Penn said, "I think it is a good time for those who voted for the ban against gay marriage to sit and reflect and anticipate their great shame and the shame in their grandchildren's eyes if they continue that way."

Jesus H Christ! Shaming bigots into actually thinking what their grandkids, who won't give a damn about this issue, will think about them? That is brilliance. I have often thought about people in my own family who had problems with blacks and how I wish they'd have been out front in saying "well that just isn't right".

Sean Penn is out front. So are a lot of people. Gay marriage is coming to a state near you. It is inevitable. The young people are 75/25 in favor, the middle aged are 50/50, and the old are 75/25 against. It doesnt take Albert Einstein to do the math on this one. So in the words of Mr. Bob Dylan:

Come mothers and fathers
Throughout the land
And don't criticize
What you can't understand
Your sons and your daughters
Are beyond your command
Your old road is rapidly agin'.
Please get out of the new one
If you can't lend your hand
For the times they are a-changin'.

I Loved The Part Where The Joker Died Of An Overdose In His Brooklyn Brownstone!

The Oscars are tonight and though my curiosity is limited this year due to my limited movie watching due to a rough year, I do have one rooting interest. I want Heath Ledger to win an Oscar for his portrayal of The Joker in The Dark Knight. Look, I hate superhero movies, comic book movies, space movies, graphic novel movies, anything to do with 300 or Sin City and get physically nauseated when that goddamned Watchmen trailer pops up, but Heath Ledger's portrayal of a paranoid schizophrenic sent chills down my spine. The lip licking and the lying and the lapses into madness was as creepy a villain as I've ever seen. Oh, I know he'll win, but dammit, he should and all we'll hear is how they felt sorry for him and his kid and they love to give posthumous awards (they don't by the way). For chrissakes, he probably should have won for Brokeback Mountain when he was still alive. So, I'll watch just for that.

And am I the only one who is sick to death of Mickey Rourke? Let's hope Sean Penn sends him back to Weirdoville. Out!

I Am The Champion Of The Alzheimer's Wing!

Back when I was a kid, a decade or two ago, Verne Gagne was the man. The man, if you like the weekly televised local wrestling show where various masked men, Germans, Mexicans, Arabs, Russians, Frenchmen and the ethnically mysterious would slip into the most hackneyed stereotypes and holler at each other promoting the upcoming monthly match at the Civic Auditorium. Verne was the good guy, the perennial champion who beat back the challenges of Baron Von Rashke and Wicked Nick Bockwinkle and Sheik Adnan Al Kasee and the Avenger and whatever interloper would show up.

Well Verne is now 82, and has had his share of flying dropkicks bounce off his skull. He now has Alzheimers and lives in a nursing home in the twin cities where he apparently put an eternal sleeper hold on his 97 year old roommate. It's a weird story, a sad story, and who knows what happened? Maybe Verne thought his roommate, a man who fled Nazi Germany , was one of his old goosestepping opponents.

Nonetheless, what do you do in a case like this? Perhaps you can suspend him, or disqualify him, or maybe give him a private room.

Dad, Did You Just Mention Man On Dog Again?

Today's screed will be all about freedom of speech. This is sometimes a tough thing to endure, just watch "Right America" on HBO. But this week, the University of Nebraska at Lincoln, my alma mater, welcomed with open arms, Rick Santorum, late of the United States Senate. This is the same institution that went bat shit crazy over the impending appearance of William Ayers, late of Caribou Barbie's secret fantasies, and cancelled Ayers appearance out of concern for his safety and their endowment.

Santorum, one of the dumbest humans in the Lower 48, spoke about Islam. He got two standing ovations for such gems as "Islam is all about conquering us, Christianity has never tried to conquer anybody". Who invented waterboarding again? Santorum also delivered this brilliance, "A democracy could not exist because Mohammed already made the perfect law.The Quran is perfect just the way it is, that’s why it is only written in Islamic.” Islamic? With Lent coming up, I guess I'll avoid those fish fries again because all those beer swilling martyrs keep talking Catholic.

Then there's Jonathan Lopez, who has filed suit against a professor at some city college in Los Angeles because the professor allegedly interrupted his anti gay marriage talk with a "you are a fascist bastard". I won't even dispute that the fascist bastard was wronged here. He was, if the story is true. The professor was out of line if he did that, even though tolerance for some twit reading Bible verses is really low.

The point here is freedom of speech is the most precious right we have. Sorry, gun nuts. That right needs to be celebrated, not squashed. I'll tell you what, Lopez can drop the lawsuit, the professor can be forced to listen to Santorum, and Lopez can then listen to Bill Ayers. Then everybody would be miserable and we can get back to normal.

I'm Not That Angry, It's Just My Gout Acting Up!

Taken is a film getting a lot of business the last two weeks. We saw it last weekend. The movie is implausible and silly. The script is lazy. The setups are without excitement. The villains are lame. The star, Liam Neeson, is pushing 60. The teenaged daughter (Shannon from Lost) is pushing 30 and acts 17 by jumping up and down and running like a dork. The ex-wife is straight out of central casting. The story is xenophobic. That's the bad news.

The good news is I loved every stupid second of it. Ex CIA agent doesn't want daughter to summer in Paris. He relents. She goes and within 5 minutes is kidnapped by crazy Albanian sex traffickers. Dad threatens them on the phone and goes to Paris where he kicks ass for a good hour. He goes to some crazy French construction site where they apparently work at night moving dirt around. He kills Frenchmen, Albanians, Arabs and American sophisticates. He gets his kid back and all is well. There you go. I ruined it. Yeah, right.

Looking for 90 minutes of mind-numbing fun? Go to the movies, get some popcorn and see Taken. Its a lot shorter than 24.

In France They Call Him Le Sick Fuque!

Is this guy even relevant anymore? Quentin Tarantino I mean. The trailer to his latest gorefest, Inglorius Basterds or whatever, has been released to the internet. It seems Brad Pitt has destroyed any credibility he has earned over the last few years by taking part in this cockfight of a movie. If you cannot tell, I cannot stomach Quentin Tarantino in any way, shape or form. He looks like a rat, he talks like the helium/meth cocktail hasn't worn off, and his movies blow chunks of brain matter all over the screen. Pulp Fiction is one of the most overpraised piles of dung ever made. So go look at the trailer if you wish, and if Brad Pitt's accent doesn't make you want to jam a needle into your eardrum, well then by all means, take in the rest of it. I have a feeling I'd be rooting for Hitler to jam the director right into a woodchipper if I ever saw this celluloid disaster.

Mr.Limbaugh, Will You Send Your Maid Out To Buy Me A Pair?

Computer motherboards, what are they? Mine is shot. That's where I've been. Offline screaming at the TV just like the old days.

It seems bipartisanship is one big steaming pile of bullcrap as usual. There seems to be a political party with about 170 spineless backbenchers who get their marching orders courtesy of a thrice married, drug addicted radio yakker who sits in his basement and pontificates on what is best for him while his $35,000 a year listeners furiously scribble his thoughts as their own and write down names of people to threaten. 170 losers. That's your party of opposition. Pathetic.

Ok, President Barack Hussein Obama, time to stop the niceties and put down the hammer on these miscreants with the perfectly parted hair. This is their statement. From now on, whatever the radio thug says, goes. Don't even talk to them,. Have some brave soul monitor whatever the radio creep says and then do what you want anyway. Who cares what the Boehner thinks? You'll already know when the radio himmler speaks. Pathetic. Right, Mr.Lincoln?

Why?

That is 12 year old Amber Harris. She disappeared back in November of 2005 after getting off her school bus a few blocks from home. Nothing is creepier than seeing video of her getting off the bus never to be seen again. She was missing for many months following her disappearance. People suspected she'd run away, she had gone to live with friends, her father, an ex-con, had done something. The stories were crazy. Somebody found her backpack in a dumpster and the speculation grew. Amber's mother, who never met a camera she didn't like. thought someone was taunting her. Then one day, in the May of 2006, a couple of hikers stumbled upon Amber's remains in Hummel Park. Her skull had been bashed in and she had been buried in the remote park. Omaha gasped.

A 10 time felon, yes 10 time, named Roy Ellis was arrested and charged with her abduction and murder. Ellis had grabbed Amber off the street, driven her to Hummel Park, sexually assaulted her, and then crushed her skull with a rock.

Roy Ellis was sentenced to death today. Even though Nebraska has no method to kill it's worst murderers. We still used the electric chair, for chrissakes. until the Supreme Court said uhhhh no, get a new method. Yet this state stubbornly insists on doing nothing. Lethal injection? No,we like that electric chair. So Roy Ellis will head for Lincoln and sit on death row even though there's no way to kill him. It's ridiculous. Just ban the death penalty and throw these nuts under the prison forever.

Oh yeah, Roy Ellis? Not only did he murder Amber Harris, he raped his 12 and 14 year old stepdaughters and impregnated both. He took another young woman to the same park he killed Amber in, raped her, choked her, and threatened to cut her tongue out. He participated in armed robberies, assaults, and since he was 18 has spent 32 years in jail. He's 55. Thus, all but 5 of his adult years he's been locked up. This dude was walking the street? Unfortunately for Amber Harris, and every other citizen in this city, he was. He's not anymore. Good riddance!

My Playlist!

Here's how it works:

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc.)

2. Put it on shuffle

3. Press play

4. For every question, type the song that's playing

5. When you go to a new question, press the next button

6. Don't lie about the songs (they can be funny if you just leave them)

What's my mood right now? Lets Impeach the President by Neil Young

Hows tomorrow going to be for me? Big Time by Soundtrack of our Lives

What kind of person am I? Learning to Fly by Tom Petty

Am I loved? The Safety Dance by Men Without Hats

How can I achieve my highest potential? On A Plain by Nirvana

What should I do with my life? Eight Miles High by the Byrds

Is everything going to be alright in the end? Positively 4th Street by Bob Dylan

What is my best quality? Starting Over by John Lennon

How does my social life look? Morning Has Broken by Yusaf Islam or Cat Stevens

Whats the meaning of life? Highway Star by Deep Purple

What do people think of me? Twisted Transistor by Korn

How crazy am I? Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd

Where will I be a year from now? Master of Puppets by Metallica

What is my fondest wish? Soul Meets Body by Death Cab For Cutie

How did my best friend and I meet? The Bitch Is Back by Elton John

What will I dream about tonight? Magic Carpet Ride by Steppenwolf

What should I be working on right now? Livin in the USA by Steve Miller

Whats my mom up to currently? If I Had A Million $$$ by Barenaked Ladies

What did I do last weekend? Norwegian Wood by the Beatles

Describe me? And So It Goes by Karrin Allyson

What does my Ipod say about me? Free For All by Art Blakey and the Jazz Messengers

Yeah I know I have to work on liking music from this century.

No Paul Blart Fans Allowed!

All I can say is do yourself a favor, and go see this movie today. It is sad, moving, depressing and uplifting all in 2 hours of your time. You could do worse. And stay for the credits, it's fun.

Is That Big Ben I Hear? Bong! Bong! Bong!

An English tabloid busts Michael Phelps for using a performance-enhancing drug. Oh sorry, I guess that really isn't a performance enhancing anything. To keep him from winning another 8 gold medals in London in 2012, maybe they ought to force him to do that everyday for the next four years. Maybe he'd oversleep once and only win 7. Yawwwwwwwwwwn!

If It Is Not The Bears, Let It Be The Chicago Cardinals!

Go Chicago Cardinals! I hate the Steelers, especially since they are Limbaugh's favorite team. But in grasping for straws for a rooting interest, as if hating the Steelers wasn't enough, at least the Cardinals used to call Chicago, home of the mighty Bears, home. Go Cards. However, if Kurt Warner is interviewed, I will mute the first five minutes so I don'yt have to listen to the Jesus rap.