Thursday, January 1, 2015

Man Of The Year!


If you are born into a Catholic home, raised by Catholic parents, forced into attending Mass every Sunday (which is kind of like watching the same football game on tape with about 5 different halftime shows over and over), and sentenced to Catholic schooling, well congratulations, you are me. And chances are you retired from the cult years ago.

However, the culture will probably never leave you. Oh damn, they know what they are doing. Install guilt. Beat the impure thoughts out of your head. Teach you things that even the most superstitious among us would scoff at. Root for Notre Dame. Don't eat meat during Lent on Friday unless of course St. Patricks Day falls on a Friday during Lent and then we can get that special permission directly from the Corned Beef King in the Sky. Give lots of money to the parish and to the archbishop's slush fund. And oh yeah, think about the poor folk now and then. But not too much cuz we have that covered. Trust us.

Enough of my bitterness.

I love the new guy. Sorry, lefties, I know the church is an evil gay hating, women hating, child molesting criminal organization that if not untouchable would be broken into a million pieces by various District Attorneys not currently involved in sheltering killer cops caught on tape murdering people. But it's better than it was before the new guy.

Pope Francis hooked me on day one. I don't know if the fact he rode the bus to work, hugged people with horrific boils all over their bodies, or hugged people without faces without going whoaaaaaaa had anything to do with my being suckered into Francis-mania but it helped.

It also helps when the very Catholics that drove me into the underground are very angry with this guy. Conservative Catholics, which permeate the Midwest, have always been the thorn in my paw. From showing up to Mass in the Cadillacs, to the obsession with abortion, to the bigotry, to excusing the plight of the poor with the laziness card, these so called Catholics, which did I mention permeate the Midwest, stuck in my craw for years and years until I became an adult who could say no more.

And now they are mad at Pope Francis for daring to make them uncomfortable in their smugness and resolute bullshit belief that no matter what they do, a short talk with a paid off parish priest and a couple of Hail Marys will make them better than you once again. Stay mad, motherfuckers. Cuz for now, it's our time.

Our time? Yes, our time. Those of us who left because of the conservative nonsense have our guy. A guy with enough smarts to say ayyyyyy what the fuck is this Cuba embargo? A guy smart enough to say ayyyyyyy stop raping the land and pay attention to this climate change stuff. A guy smart enough to say enough with this abortion obsession and yes, D&C's for Catholic girls can't fool me. A guy savvy enough to put the whole gay deal on the backburner cuz like he knows a lot of them. And a guy comfortable in his own self to take selfies while wearing a red clown nose.

Keep plowing ahead Pope Francis. Oh I am not back by any means. But I'm not driving by Catholic churches on Saturday nights and being appalled at the "faithful" who attend Mass then so they can go out drinking, whoring and acting like assholes later just so they don't have to get up Sunday morning. Well that's not true of course I still do that but it's not as prevalent as when the German was in charge.

Conservative Catholics. An oxymoron for sure. What happened to the Pope's infallibility? What da Pope says goes cuz he's getting it directly from God. Hmmm??

Did I mention conservative Catholics permeate the Midwest?

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