Sunday, September 28, 2014
AP American History!
Ok by now you've heard of the controversy over the teaching of Advanced Placement American History. How the poor oppressed white conservatives are being smashed under the left thumb of Marxist teachers and professors from commie bastions like Boulder when they try to instill a lil bit of patriotism into the course curriculum. Get yer guns everybody, Alinsky is ALIVE!!!
Max took AP American History last year. He aced it. He loved it. He also wants to burn the country to the ground and start over again but what 16 year old kid doesn't? Hell, I did. I even still have the gas can I was going to use. Of course now I use it to get gas to mow the freakin lawn.
AP History aint your granddaddy's history. You see it's called "Advanced Placement" for a reason. The kids who take it are generally more interested in school than your normal skateboarding slacker hanging around the school for hours cuz he doesn't want to go home. Nope, these kids want to learn. And the want the fucking truth. Not your politburo approved bullshit we learned when we were kids. Washington chopped down the cherry tree, the founding fathers were inspired by Gawwwd, Paul Revere rode around warnin the British were comin to take your guns while ringin a bell. All fine things to learn. If you're in kindergarten and think Sponge Bob rules, which of course he does.
In the spirit of Values Voters and the oppressed white christian I now present AP 'Merican History, approved by the silent majority.
1) The Founding Fathers was just like Jesus. 10 Commandments, Bill of Rights? Both 10? Coincidence? I don't think so. God is the founding father. Period.
2) Slavery was obviously morally wrong. But hey, the blacks in Africa sold each other to the white job creators who were just trying to provide a job. In fact, the blacks should stop getting all "arrogant" and thank the white people for bringing them to a better life. And they should all get off welfare too.
3) The Civil War was not about slavery. It was about states rights. The federal government telling the South what to do? Who the hell do they think they are? In fact, the Civil War was just the South defending itself against the oppressive power of the feds. Like now. Get yer guns!
4) Marbury vs Madison--huh?
5) All wars are like WW2. What if we hadn't stopped Hitler? Huh? Everybody we don't like is Hitler. Saddam, ISIS, Khaddafi, Grenada, Obama.
6) Communism is rampant. Anyone who wants equality, a clean environment, livable conditions, decent jobs, or eats Kale is a goddamned commie and needs to be stopped from influencing our children.
7) The following Americans are bad and cannot be mentioned except as an example of Bad Americans who should've been jailed for treason.
a) Malcolm X
b) Jimmy Carter
c) Cesar Chavez
d) Harvey Milk
e) anyone named Roosevelt
f) Margaret Sanger
g) Jonas Salk
h) Samuel Gompers
i) Crazy Horse
j) anyone named Obama
k) anyone named Hillary
m) 1940ish Japanese Americans
n) Larry Kramer
o) Muhammed Ali
p) Eugene Debs
q) Glass and/or Steagall
r) Robert LaFollette
s) Upton Sinclair
t) Bayard Rustin
u) Nat Turner
v) Dixie Chicks
w) anchor babies except Michelle Malkin
x) George McGovern
y) Harry Reid
z) anyone named Pelosi
8)Ronald Reagan saved America. He never raised taxes, never started a war he couldn't win, never raised the national debt, got everybody except lazy people jobs, outlawed abortion, deported everybody here illegally, never ever sold arms to Iran, stopped a Nicaraguan takeover of America, never supported apartheid in South Africa, did not create the Taliban, won the Cold War by faking like he wanted to get rid of nukes, and totally fired those union thugs who were crashing planes into each other. All hail Saint Reagan!
9)America is the best. If one of our drones kills your Yemeni wedding party, you should say thank you. Ungratefulness is not a good trait. What would you rather die of, being blown to smithereens by an American missile or being beheaded by a bearded hippie? Your choice. I think we know your preference.
10) America was founded by Jesus and is a christian nation of decent forgiving religious people who if you stray from this view will hunt you down and force you to love the country that will hound you to an early grave. Your choice. Love it or leave it!
AP American History. Fuck Yeah!