Boring, Oregon, Hello!!

A long time ago the has-been they call USA Today had a column written by the has-been they call Larry King. The column contained life-changing tidbits of one liners and opinions such as "I like baseball....If you're serving matzo ball soup, count me in.....Cuba is really close to Florida....If James Caan is in it, I'm there......I swear I know Sandy Koufax........" . The column took up valuable space in the Life section of USA Today once a week, which meant Larry had to spend at least 10 minutes per week wracking his brain for the Confucius-like wisdom. To honor Larry, at this moment probably being mistaken for his children's great grandfather at a tee-ball game, I will admittedly copy him today.



1) Dick Cheney needs to shut the fuque up. The former dark lord of Blair House is running around setting himself up to say "I told you so" if another terrorist event happens on American soil. I wouldn't doubt if the sonuvabitch is planning it himself.



2) I expect nothing short of a 19-0 season and a Super Bowl win for the Chicago Bears. For years and years of Jack Concannon's and Vince Evans' and Bob Avellini's and Doug Flutie's and Cade McNown's and Peter Tom Willis' the Bears finally have an All-Pro quarterback in Jay Cutler. That's all we ever needed. Right?



3) Somebody needs to kick Bill O'Reilly's ass. That's the only thing guys like BillO understand. Tough guys like him aren't that tough. Somebody just needs to yell louder, get in his face and cock their fist. BillO would start crying for "Fox Security" to come save him. I nominate Stephanie Miller for the job.



4) Of all the Law and Orders, I prefer Criminal Intent. Vincent D'Onofrio's whacko detective Bobby Goren, who may or may not be schizophrenic, who may or may not have been fathered by a serial killer, who may or may not be nuttier than an elephant turd is one of the most interesting characters on television. So is D'Onofrio, who reportedly became maniacally depressed when Bush won in 2004.



5) Local Television News sucks. Anyplace, anywhere it just sucks. Ominous music for non-stories, panic-stricken tones for non-stories, run for your lives weather reports, morons reading teleprompters, it's kind of like a Focus on the Family convention.



6) The drinking age needs to be lowered to 18 again. I know the stats that show drunken driving deaths went down when the age was raised to 21. Well think how far they'd go down if the age was raised to 30, 35, or 40? The fact is 18 year olds drink, a lot. Take the mystery out of it, stop them from sneaking around, and get drinking 18 year olds back where they belong, the Bush residence.



7) Pot needs to legalized. It needs to be taxed. It needs to be given to people who need it, or want it. When my Mom and Dad were cancer-stricken and had they not been depression-era squares who didn't want to use it for appetite or pain, I would have met machine gun wielding drug kingpins in back alleys to buy it for them and to hell with the law. Admit it, so would you.



8) Gay marriage starts in Iowa Monday. Not only does it make me happy that people get their equal rights, it makes me even more happy that the "Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve" crowd is so apoplectic about it. Religion is the devil, not a goateed red guy with a pointy tail.


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