I'll Take Marcus Bachmann For The Block!

How great would it be to have the Fabulous Marcus Bachmann and the batshit crazy Michele Bachmann as our First Couple? Couple of nuts that is. Of course, there is zero chance that either of these whackos will ever get close to the White House, even on a tour, but I secretly hope that Republican voters send this woman and her flamboyant hubbie Marcus right to the stage at their 2012 convention and expect them to beat Barack Nobama. That would be awesome.

I used to think Michele Bachman was batshit crazy. Oh, she is, but I've come to love her batshitiness. She used to be a Democrat back in 1976 when Jimmy Carter was running for President. But high gas prices turned her Republican. That's just batshit nuts. High gas prices? That is the single best reason I have ever heard to switch parties. Because we all know the Republicans and the oil companies are like Charlie Sheen and Chuck Lorre. Right?

Now Marcus Bachmann. There's a piece of work. This fleet bagger, who somehow managed to squeeze $137K of taxpayer Medicaid money to turn the gays straight through Jesus, is an absolute sound alike for the center square on Hollywood Squares, circa 1970 or so. Calling Uncle Arthur. If Marcus ever gets to the White House, Dupont Circle may never be the same without him.

Now the old fishwife, Michele, seemed to go all shy and reserved on Face the Nation last Sunday when Bob Schieffer asked one of those gotcha questions like "is homosexuality a choice?" She bobbed and weaved like Apollo Creed in refusing to answer that lame stream media question. Or perhaps Marcus hadn't answered her text yet.

No, once again, I kid the Bachmanns. They have five kids and have had 23 foster kids, all young females (sorry,Marcus). Though no foster kid has had to endure the Minnesota nice that is the Bachmanns since 1998, the fact she keeps telling everybody about it would make you think there's a houseful of anorexic waifs running around at all times. Nope, its just Marcus and his fish and chips. Keep running, Michele, I'm rooting for you. Can't wait for that daily fuck up. It's a singular sensation!

Dear Carrie's Mom!

You social conservatives are going to lose. In fact, you have already lost and you just cannot see the forest because you want it logged to oblivion. Oh your tantrums are amusing and you still can generate the faithful to get on their government provided scooters, get in their SUV's, and go off to the voting booths to save the country from the heathens and socialists while still managing time away from Fox News to waddle out to the mailbox to get your Social Security check.

Your ideas about gays and tea parties and taxes and corporations and minorities and Mexicans and serial killers named John Wayne Somethin may be facts in your minds and on your altered Wikipedia pages but they aren't facts at all. A fact is a fact and despite that facts have a liberal bias, facts are truth. And what do they say in your houses of superstition? The truth will set you free? Well, welcome to freedom, teabaggers.

The New York State Senate, run by Republicans, passed a gay marriage bill. No, not one of those gay marriage bills where you get to tell your third wife how immoral homos are ruining the sanctity of your marriage and thus, they can't get marries, have civil unions or even look at each other in a longing way. Nope. Now, in New York, in 30 days or so, anybody in the nation can fly into LaGuardia, get in a cab and run off to get hitched, just like you did after Earlene pissed on that EPT dealie.

Now I know the middle of the country, also known as the middle of nowhere, thinks anything east of Dollywood or west of the Rockies is full of goateed Bolsheviks, but it's also the start of the cultural tsunami that eventually drags you kicking and screaming into the present day. Or at least the present day as it was 30 years earlier. So look out Husker fan, the 2026 football opener against the University of Tijuana may feature you sitting next to Adam and Steve, not Adam & Eve.

I'm not really gloating here, because I know there's still a whole lotta stupid goin' on and the whole magilla may be undone if the under 30's and the rest of us who sat on our asses in 2010 don't get moving. When a dolt like Michele Bachmann or a pea brain like Rick Do Not Google Santorum or an Alaskan moose turd actually gather support from people who can actually vote, it's still a problem. The ones standing on the outside of the Crazy House waiting for permission to enter, like Texas Governor Rick Perry, also have a lot of closet followers. If the fact Perry let an innocent man(google Cameron Todd Willingham)die in a Texas execution chamber isn't enough to send this guy back to his closet, the fact he lives in one should be. But Perry is the new Guy Who isn't Running Savior Of The Day! He's getting his marching orders from the Koch Brothers in Vail right now. This Kochsucker needs to be dealt with NOW.

Anyway, you social conservatives, a polite term for "stooge", can kiss your ideas of heaven on earth goodbye. You are in front of a freight train. better get off the tracks because it's being driven by Jesus. And he aint stoppin'. Adios.

You Can Hardly See Scalia's Mouth Move!

Back in 1966, Supreme court Justice Abe Fortas accepted a $20,000 a year "retainer" from a shady Wall Street stock speculator named Louis Wolfson, who went to federal prison later for SEC violations. Speculation became that Wolfson was buying influence on the Supreme Court for appeals of his conviction if they went all the way up the ladder to the Supremes. Fortas resigned from the court in 1969 over these allegations.

Ever hear of Harlan Crow? He's a Republican right wing nutjob millionaire. And he's from Texas, which makes the guy about as slimy as they come. And he loves him some Clarence Thomas, Antonin Scalia's ventriloquist dummy. Seems Crow gave Uncle Thomas a Bible worth $19,000 that once belonged to Frederick Douglass, who presumably is attempting to keep from vomiting in the great beyond . Crow also loves him some Ginni Thomas, my fellow Husker graduate who I liked to argue with about what a great man Joe McCarthy was. Guess which side she was on? Crow handed over $500K to Ginni to start Liberty Central, a teabagger group that drools and rolls their eyes whenever they hear the word "Obama". Teabagger, I mean Liberty Central, is all out to repeal the Health Care Act and now can conceivably spend whatever amount of money they want to bombard the airwaves with lies and bullshit thanks to Clarence the Clown and his fellow fascists on the Court who ruled on Citizen's United. Ginni may also be getting lobbying fees to bribe Congesspeople, oh sorry, that's "lobby" Congresspeople to repeal the Health Care act. You see, Ginni hates people who don't have what she has, health insurance and lots of money which she apparently uses to buy substances that take her inhibitions away and force her to drunk dial law professors her husband used to hit on.

Clarence Thomas also apparently forgot that his wife works. Oh yeah, sorry IRS, I forgot to report her Heritage Foundation income. I used that money to take trips to Nebraska to watch a football team and bore the shit out of graduates with commencement speeches. I also recently forgot to report income to the IRS, but I'm an idiot. And I'm not on the fucking Supreme Court. I will gladly resign from all of my political organizations. So long, Liberals Who Live In Nebraska. You now have ummmmm, zero members.

Clarence Thomas is a fraud. He's a silent puppet of Scalia and his wife, who longs for the days of child labor, locking up the homos, and putting up a statue of Tail Gunner Joe McCarthy outside of that commie haven, the United States Senate. Everytime I see a tape of old man Bush stating Thomas is the "best qualified" person to replace Thurgood Marshall, I want to throw GHWB out of an airplane, which he apparebntly likes to jump out of anyway.

My point after this rambling screed is if Abe Fortas had to resign back in '69, this unethical sonovabitch needs to go too.

Clarence Clemons!

They were never better. Things just won't be the same. Thanks for the memories, Clarence Clemons.

Is This The Debate? Or Is It The Bachelorette?

Oh boy, it's time for the Republicans to get together in New Hampshire and have some sort of talk or something tonight. A debate in June of 2011 would be pointless and just plain crazy. What? Oh great, The Republicans who have jumped into the race to unseat that Kenyan in the White House will "debate"? Jesus, more like climb all over each other to be on the right side of the TV screen. Let's go over the players.

1) Mittens Romney-- former Governor of Taxachusetts. Was Obama before there was an Obama. Pro-choice. So concerned about the folks without health care he instituted universal health care in Taxachusetts. Belongs to some crazy cult religion that lets you have ten wives and thinks Jesus was born in Tucson or something. What? He hates poor people without health insurance? He hates women who get knocked up? He only has one wife? Jesus, this guy sounds bipolar.

2) Michele Bachmann -- proof there's crazy people in Minnesota too. Nice crazy people but crazy nonetheless. Thinks the Revolution started in New Hampshire. Thinks the Founding Fathers ended slavery. Attended some nutty revival tent with giant hands holding it up posing as a university in Tulsa. Husband Marcus Bachmann is a bit flamboyant if ya get my drift. She is batshit crazy. Is one third of your average conservative guy's dreamy menage a trois'.

3) Newt Gingrich-- is he back from his cruise? Did he dump Calista into the drink?

4) Herman Cain-- Your average conservative's second best black guy, right behind Clarence Thomas. Cain ran Godfather's pizza. He may have delivered them for all I know. Other than that, he yacks on the radio and impersonates Neal Boortz. He used to live in Omaha and moved to Atlanta. I'm not sure if that pisses me off or makes me happy. Cain? Wasnt he the first murderer in that book of fairy tales? Face it, Herm, they ain't voting for you any more than they would vote for Obama. By the way,Herm, where's your fucking birth certificate?

5) Ron Paul-- Half the time he's brilliant, half the time he's nuts. It all depends on when. I think he's brilliant, they will thinks he's crazy. I think he's crazy and the full mooners think he's brilliant. Paul spawned Rand Paul presumably naming him after that selfish bitch Ayn Rand. Hey, Rand, I think she took Medicare. Shhhhh.


6) Tim Pawlenty-- ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ! Republicans can let that bridge collapse when they get to it.

7) Rick Santorum-- please please please DO NOT google "Santorum". Please DO NOT do that. D'ohhhhhhhhhh, you did it. And you think he has a chance in hell???

I have no intention of watching that "debate". Isn't the Bachelorette on? Oh hell, one stupid woman and a bunch of dunderhead men on two channels at once. TV sucks.