Oh politics. I am so sick of all these motherfuckers I cannot even believe the sincerity when they express sadness over the weekly mass murder that makes us all proud of our Second Amendment. And there's a goddam 16 months to go until the next Democratic president wins. But until then let us look at the field for the 2016 Who Wants to be Bought by a Billionaire Derby.
The Republicans have so many delusional assholes who believe people will vote for them with anything other than a hatred of the blacks or the browns or the reds or the yellows or the gays it has become comical.
Here is my list, in order of my preference, and my preference of course is purely based on entertainment value, and the hope for a landslide win for Hill or Joe or Bernie or Barack after he declares martial law and jails all the nuts in a Wal Mart along with the already jailed employees of Wal Mart.
1) Donald Milhouse Trump
Who the fuck else? This troll is a dream. With his hubris and his lies and his complete duping of dumb people, this guy is a candidate all Republicans can get behind. Cuz let's face it, the completely phony racism of this guy rivals only Saint Reagan for riling up the Mark Levin crowd. You may ask yourself how anyone with a functioning brain can do anything but have a hate/hate relationship with this bullshit artist, but let's face it, working brains are getting weaker and weaker. As far as I'm concerned, the dumber the better. Yer hired!
2) Ted Calgary Cruz
He looks like Squidward, he is hated by even Republican Senate assholes, and he's a fucking Canadian. This dick has announced he will personally block all of Obummer's nominees cuz he's all mad about a deal with Iran cuz he wants to send naive' kids to die so he can get a hard on or something. Cruz is "that guy". You know, "that guy". The guy who no matter what it is, he is the one screaming for attention cuz deep down he knows he's a dope.
3) Rick Don't Google Me Santorum
Ok, he's back. Why? His double digit beat down when he ran for re-election the the Senate in Pennsylvania wasn't enough to kill this guy? Santorum, always timely, this week compared the racist Confederate flag to the racist Planned Parenthood even though he doesnt really mind the loser Confederate flag that much. Margaret Sanger was a racist so uhhhhhhhh yeahhhhhhhh shut down PP. Yeah ok not at all racist Rick, your argument is pretty blahhhhhh
4 Ben Did I Operate On My Own Brain Carson
Ben. The latest guy Republicans shove forward to say heyyyyyyyy seeeee, I'm not a racist cuz I like Ben Carson and now I gotta go forward the latest not racist Obummer cartoon. Carson spent the last week raising money from totally not racists so he could live like a rockin neurosurgeon should. Rock on Doc.
5 Bobby Piyush Jindal
Yeah in India, Bobby is short for Piyush. I think. Jindal, probably more than the rest, couldn't wait to blame Chattanooga on Nobama. Firing away with his popgun mouth, Jindal claimed the actions of a lone nut shooting up a movie theater, oh sorry that was the white nut, the actions of a lone nut murdering 4 Marines and having one of "those" names (ya know like Piyush) was the result of Hussein Obammer not saying hey we are at war with radical Islam, now send that drone to totally not kill all those radical islamists. Jindal is so stupid he may move up on my dream list
6 Scott Rat Face Walker
This turd, who apparently masturbates when he hears the name "Reagan" which explains why his family won't let him watch The Exorcist cuz who needs a grown man furiously playing with himself while some 14 year old girl jams a crucifix in her nether regions. Walker, who cuts $250 million from the University of Wisconsin budget while expressing support to give $400 million of taxpayer money to billionaires to build a new arena for some basketball team that hasn't won since Kareem was Lou. Fuck this guy.
7 Carly Are You Still Here Fiorina
Yeah yeah she ran HP into the ground and got millions for her efforts. Yeah yeah she ran for Senate and got more millions for her efforts. Why is she still here? Oh yeah, she's the seeeeeee I am not a sexist pig cuz I like her and Michelle Obummer has a fat ass and Hillary has cankles. Carly Fiorina was interviewed by that commie Katie Couric and said that even though climate change may be real China doesn't give a shit so we shouldn't give a shit either. And what newspapers do you read?
8 Chris Lap Band Surgeon Doesn't Want You to Endorse Him Christie
Ok Tony Soprano. The thought of an actual bum fight between him and Trump on a stage during a debate is just plain awesome. Uh yeah Donnie Junior kick his ass for me. Christie is just so bad he explains his dismal approval rating in Joisey by claiming its cuz they want him to stay Governor and not be President. Keep eating those no fat donuts Christophahhhhhhh. Christie is blaming liberals for the recent murders in San Francisco and DC cuz ya know, libs let people outta the hoosegow really early and probably tell em to go kill people. Christie should probably be higher on the list. His meltdown is days away. All the time.
9 Marco Polo Rubio
this lying sack of medianoche was across the river last night and was greeted by dozens of Republican hipsters at Bass Pro Shop. Rubio is one of those guys. You know the guy who is so horrified by the deaths of 4 Marines by Mohammed Abdul Somebody and couldn't give jack shit about 9 people slaughtered by a white guy named Dylan. War War War. Rubio hates the Iran Deal because well uhhhhhhh I just do. He wants war goddamit. Now go hide in your bunker.
10 Rick Mister Peepers Perry
This guy fell down the list badly cuz he actually made sense for the first time in his miserable life by slamming the Donald. Of course, Trump then Rick Rolled Perry by demanding he take an IQ test before being allowed in the debate. Man, would that be ugly. For all of them. "A toxic mix of demagoguery and nonsense" to describe Trump? Who wrote that for you Rick?
11 Mike Shower Boy Huckabee
This guy is a walking gaffe. If he's not creeping out 14 year old girls by slobbering about how he wanted to shower with them cuz of Caitlin Jenner he's claiming he can win the black vote cuz he was all down with the brothers when he was Governor of Arkansas. Yeah I guess cuz he didnt stand in a schoolhouse door he's a really compassionate guy. Mike, listen, when you spend the last 7 years ripping a presidential black guy a new one day after day you can't suddenly say "right on" and crank up the Wild Cherry.
12 Lindsey Oh Mah Stars Graham
this fucking guy has made sense for about two weeks now. First was the very human Joe Biden moment for which I may never forgive him for (cuz I want to hate his guts so bad) and then the climate change moment. And then reality sets back in and the Iran deal fucks up Lindsey's war hysteria. How can I start a wah-yahhhhhh if they keep making deals? Oh Lindsey, stick to being human please.
13 John Governor of Where Kasich
Oh Governor John. You are a waking contradiction. You took the free Medicaid money which any half intelligent Governor would do unless they were a rich motherfucking Trust Fund Baby. Then you try to relate to blue collar voters and they look at you like who the fuck are you and why are you screwing up my break? I hope you like governing Ohio or Iowa or Idaho or wherever you govern, John, cuz you'll be doing it again soon.
14 Rand Freedom Unless I Am Offended Paul
Is he still running? Did his hair jump off his head and run away? Oh yeah he's still out there. Restrict immigration from Mooslim countries cuz of Chattanooga and freedom. And no highway money cuz of Planned Parenthood and freedom. Yeah fuck you 'Merica, go drive into a giant sinkhole on I-80 for all I care, that Planned Parenthood doing all that legal shit is outrageous!
15 Jeb I Really May Be The Dumb One Bush
He's gonna win. He's gonna buy it. Y'all know that right? Everybody's favorite Uber enthusiast couldn't even bullshit a driver to even lie into saying he's vote for him. How's he gonna convince everybody else? Well he may cuz he's just that bad. I mean come on , consulting his brother, the war criminal, on furrin policy? Convincing people he's "moderate". Come on now. Terry Schiavo anyone? Bush is well, a Bush. That name is good enough to convince the dullards who actually make nominees say ehhhhhhhhhhhh well at least I've heard that name someplace. Yikes.
The rest of them don't hit radar or sonar or even GPS. Pataki? Too Jewy for most mouth breathers. Gilmore? Didn't he have some girls or something? Ehrlich? He's the horse an egomaniacal owner sticks in the Kentucky Derby that has no chance.
And yeah I left some Republican contenders off . Like Hillary Clinton. Feel the Bern baby!
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