Warrior Dashing For Profits!

Hey at least pigs roll around in mud for a reason. What the hell was my excuse? Warrior Dash came to Omaha yesterday and yours truly thought it would be a good idea about 3 months ago. Who wouldn't want to run up hills, over obstacles, climb walls, crawl under barbed wire, swim in filthy water, climb ropes, jump over fire and crawl through muddy shit so thick your average old guy like me cannot get out of it? Let me emphasize this, not a good idea.

First of all this corporate "run" is all about profits. They charge you $60 to get in, then $20 more to park your car. All for the privilege of abusing yourself? Oh I guess if you're young and hungover, it might be just the right antidote.
But whatever happened to running to raise money for charity? Since I started running again, I've been in races to benefit cancer research , homeless shelters, the lung association, the Komen cancer center, young people with cancer, youth groups, missions that provide Thanksgiving meals to the poor, the local zoo, but never have I raced to benefit a giant corporation getting in on the running craze. I should've known better, but got caught up in the hype. So after bitching to Max's Mom on the way down to Louisville, Nebraska about my choice of races, it was time to at least put this old man through what he signed up for.

At 10 am, in the 85 degree heat, my "wave" of 500 runners took off up a hill. Hey, there were 10 or 15 "waves" that went bot Saturday and Sunday. Geezus, how much $$ do thee people make? Up the hill , down the hill, up the hill, christ, running is just not worth it. 90% of the people stopped running and were walking by the start of hill #2. The first obstacle was jumping over a wall, crawling under barbed wire, jumping over another wall. etc...... It was here I first thought what the fuck is the matter with you? This is stupid.

Down a hill I ran.......and then......snapppppppp......I stepped in a goddamned hole and went down like I'd been shot. A young lady helped me up and it was walking for me the rest of the way. Figures. I sprained my ankle doing this? Reminded me of when my Dad tried to water ski at 50 something years old.....snapppppppp........went his hamstring.

Limping along for 2.5 miles while getting through obstacles was really not my bag. I thought of opting out and getting a ride back to the finish. But I plodded on. Over a wall, over some ropes, crawling under more barbed wire (skinning the fuck out of my knees , what am I, 7 years old?) Down more hills, up more hills, to a place that no sane human should be, a giant lake of filthy, e coli infested water that cows probably shit in, You jump in and swim, walk or do whatever it is you have to do to get past it. Sopping wet, you now weigh about 50 lbs more than when you started. Off ahead, to a crawl on a 3 inch platform holding a rope, the consequences of falling are another drop into malaria infested liquid below. Moving onward to another fucking wall you crawl up and over, then to a rope wall you climb up and over. It was here that some idiot decided I was too slow and practically knocked me off trying to get around me. Lighten up, Francis!

To the fire pit where you are expected to jump over not one but two blazing hot infernos........and then...its the crawl u nder more barbed wire in a gooey pile of something they call mud. It stunk more like manure and it made you a mess. And I couldn't get my fat ass out of it. My ankle hurts, I'm a muddy mess, I'm hot, my knees hurt, and I cannot get out of this goddamned mud pit. This was the worst part. So close to being done and I can't get out. After falling back into the slop at least three times, I finally get out and get to the finish line.

After getting hosed off by some guy firing a fire hose I throw my shoes, trashed, into a pile of shoes 10 feet high. Creepy, but this WAS kind of holocaust like. Enjoy my shoes, N'Dugu.

The Warrior Dash. It's for the young and dumb. It's for the meatheads who actually try to win. It was for me once. I did it. I can always say that. But I doubt if I'll do it again. Where's the sign up sheet for the next one?