Somebody Puncture My Eardrums, Please?

A screeching barn owl spoke to the geniuses attending the National Rifle Asshat convention over the weekend. This screeching barn owl , aka The Quitta from Wasilla, got the really stupid, "stupid on steroids" is how she put it, to raise to their feet and cheer when she said that sticking a person's face underwater and damn near drowning them was "baptizing" them. Goddamn, Sarah Barn Owl, what would your precious Jesus say to that? John the Waterboarder might be a bit pissed too.

This woman, who is running around the country endorsing candidates her special pollsters have told her would win, cuz ya know a barn owl is very wise and is never wrong, pops up on political commercials and proceeds to make people bang on their TV's as they wonder what the fuck that loud obnoxious sound is?

Back to NRA speech. I always thought baptism was the cleansing of man's original sin. You know, that thing where naked blonde Adam was set up by that bitch, blonde naked Eve and that talking snake. If I remember my Catholic brainwashing correctly, that's the first of way too many sacraments, some of which you never ever want to get. Like the Last Rites or that whole stupid Confirmation deal.

Sarah Palin took a giant dump on Christianity. Yet, most of her gun totin hilljack crowd were too fucking stupid to see it. If this grifter can pull off a blasphemous comparison of baptism and torture and get wild applause I guess this shows just how incredibly dumb her audience is.

Wow, just a few years back, she was braggin and gloatin about her own baptism, in which a different Alaska Charlatan stuck her face in Lake Alaska and how her life was all hopey and changey. Now she's jokin and kiddin about torturin those Mooslims with the same sacrament that changed her life?

Goddammit thanks again, John McCain for unleashing this fury on us back in 2008. You should be proud. After the torture you endured in Hanoi for years, why would you torture the rest of us with that screaming hawk?

I guess the only good thing about this Sarah Palin thingy is she's getting older and will soon be killing conservative boners in favor of a different screeching eagle from South Dakota. Or for you Donald Sterling conservatives who hate the blacks during the day but like em at night there's always the Utah Aunt Tom.

Anyway, enjoy the Sarah Palin stiffy while you can, cuz if you look closely this is getting closer and closer.

Crier In The Hole!

Wow and I thought the idiots running around here were bad. All every Nebraska Republican dimwit wants to do is knock Obama's a block off and cut taxes and rape Nancy Pelosi.

But to fire on Fort Kenya with a cannon. This guy is awesome.

And oh yeah by the way, Stoney, your forefathers attempted to overthrow the duly elected government of the United States and keep an entire race of people enslaved with that cannon. The British were long gone by then. And in a sidenote that Mister Rockhead may not bother to know, his forefathers lost Savannah and also lost in 1865. So that fucking cannon is pretty meaningless.

Good Luck to Mister Stoned. Not only in his election but in his attempt to roll that cannon into his church, tavern or onto his campaign plane..

Have Popgun Will Travel!

Ok ok, despite all the Sean Hannity dumbness, the Fox News and the right wing media's itching for a massacre coverage, that deadbeat liar Ted Bundy or Cliven Bundy or whatever the fuck his name is, did not go down in a blaze of glory this past week. Not because of a bunch of jobless losers with guns but because the very federal government that fucksticks like Bundy refuse to recognize backed off. Oh sorry, racist shitheels, you didn't get your Waco. Ah shit!

I haven't seen this many losers in one place since I last went to Wrigley Field to watch an unarmed baseball team. I mean this garbage is so nonsensical and so based upon a bunch of white trash with way too much time on their hands it doesn't even warrant coverage. But the Fox News Channel, in its never ending coverage of the oppressed white male, has turned what amounts to a deadbeat into a hero. Can you imagine if a group of SNAP recipients stole food stamps or bought lobsters with said food stamps? Heroes, all!!!...uhh no.....

Christ, this Bundy Ranch bunch is something else. From a brilliant strategy of sticking the militia womenfolk in front to be mowed down by gubmint thugs, to actually turning Glenn Beck into a voice of reason, this crowd of cowboy hatted flunkees has really picked a winner to stand up to the Kenyan Muslim Commie Hussein once and for all.

Cliven Bundy has been mooching off the federal government for 20 years. He is 67 years old and thus I assume he is on Medicare, Social Security and judging from his ample belly eats well. Funny how he and his band of horse riding pretend cowboys hate the federal government but ride around waving that flag all the goddamned time. The utter child like playtime bullshit of these grown adults baffles me. I know they hate the black guy in the White House and actually have convinced themselves that because they carry around a rifle being all 2nd Amendmenty they have backed down the evil power of the feds.

Oh you kids. You and your rifles couldn't stop a Mormon missionary in his tracks. You aint that tough. One drone from the Mooslim Pretend President Drone King and you go boom. I am certainly not advocating that. No not at all!!!

War Horse!

We don't get many dramatic plays from the Broadway Across America Series around here. They tend to all be musicals, but War Horse galloped into town this week and we went.

The Spielberg movie didn't do much for me at the time. It was all right, but there was just something missing.

I get it now, it was the thrill of live theater that was missing.

War Horse is the story of Joey, a horse that belonged to a young man in pre-World War I Britain. Joey grows up, gets sold by a drunken father, drafted into the British Army, charges machine guns in No Man's Land, gets taken by the Germans and eventually caught up in barbed wire where English and German soldiers come together to help free him. Does he end up back in his original owner's arms? You betcha.

The story is predictable, but to see puppeteers make Joey move and run and whinny and do all the things horses do is truly remarkable. I swear within 2 minutes of seeing the young foal, Joey, I had forgotten the fact there were three very visible actors onstage making him wag his tail, shy away and walk around. It is amazing to watch.

If this tremendous production gets in your neck of the woods, charge down the stretch and go.

Paul Ryan? Is He Still Around?

Paul Ryan, wunderkind! This Twerp's the "brains" behind the Republican Party? Really?

Ryan's deader than Ronald Reagan budget passed the House of Reprehensibles today by a 219-205 vote. Of course, this is all for show, and to give a handjob to the egomaniac that is Paul Ryan, because this budget wouldn't pass if Ayn Rand came back to life and used her Social Security money to whack every Democrat in Congress. Paul Ryan is a fraud. But let's say the Munster budget did become reality. What would happen?

No more health care for the poor, no more student loans, no more food stamps, no more Obamacare, no more Medicare, no more education, and of course the Pentagon gets even more money to buy tanks and planes and shit. And oh yeah, taxes get cut for corporations and for the Koch Brothers. This Ryan kid is a up and comer, I tell ya David Koch, now put your dick back in Eric Cantor's mouth.

If any Democrat doesn't pick this cheese football up and run with it, they deserve to lose. That's Paul Ryan's America, folks. Poor, fuck you. Sick, fuck you. Old, fuck you. Young, fuck you. Hungry, fuck you. Stupid, come vote for us.

Paul Ryan is everything Joe Biden scoffed at in 2012. A poser.

And oh yeah. Ryan, fuck you. Signed Pope Francis.

0 Dead!

Hey Nate, good for you. You got shot in the latest school massacre by some nut with a gun and you want everybody to know you survived that gunshot to your arm. Shit, what was it, a grazing wound? You must have run like hell ducking and dodging bullets all the way outside. Then I assume the killer shot himself and it ended with what, about 20 dead kids?

Whaaaaat? A knife? What is this, China??? You mean to tell me some 16 year old started stabbing people and nailed 20 of them before I assume stabbing himself. No? He was caught? Nobody died? I'm sorry, Larry Pratt, have you crawled out from your panic room yet? You must be so unhappy that nobody died. Hey, Dan Zimmerman, you must be crushed that everybody will recover.

The only solution to this new problem is to arm every teacher with not only a big sidearm, but a big knife also because of course the only solution to a bad guy with a knife is a good guy with a knife and a gun and a flamethrower.

It's all the same folks. Knives, Guns, whats the difference? Oh I don't know.

Sandy Hook--- 26 dead

Murraysville- 0 dead

Yeah whats the difference?

Well, young Nate for one. Nate pulled the fire alarm and started the evacuation, hollering to kids to run like hell.

He's a good guy with no gun. Not a pussy with no gun, Larry Pratt.

Noah Part Deux!

We went to see Noah on Sunday morning, just as promised and of course attendance was sparse because everyone was busy listening to spiritual guidance from a charlatan as opposed to us, watching another Hollywood Leftist propaganda film.

All I can say is damnnnnnnn. My Bible study took a wrong turn somewhere around 1st Grade when Sister Mary Thomas rattled off the story of Noah and the Ark in between the Catholic sado-masochism. Shit,if she'd have thrown in Rock Monsters and a fertile, suddenly horny Hermione Granger, who knows how many of us would still be lighting candles and sniffing incense on Sunday mornings.

In the latest interpretation of the Noah story, directed by Darren Aronofsky (so you know its gonna be weird), Noah, played by Russell Crowe, not Joakim as I'd hoped, eats no meat, picks no flowers, hates mankind and has crazy dreams. In other words, he's 90% me.

Noah, with his dirty fingered wife, and his 3 sons wanders around until they come upon a poor little girl whom they adopt while running away from bad guys. Then a few years later, Noah has shaved his hair off and buffed up and after being roofied by Hannibal Lechter he has a whacko dream about drowning and concludes uh oh, "the Creator" is pissed and he has to build a giant boat with the help of a bunch of charcoal briquets that sound a lot like Nick Nolte.

Then two of every animal wanders onboard including two cute Corgis I am sure. Noah and the gang roofie all of them so nobody gets eaten and the bad guys try to take the boat. They fail and all die except for the main bad guy who growls a lot and corrupts Noah's kid Ham. Meanwhile, pre marital sex has led to Emma Watson getting all pregnant with Noah's other son's, Shemp or Curly Joe, I'm not sure, kid. This really ticks Noah off and he threatens to kill the baby if it's a girl cuz no more sluts on his damn boat.

The bad guy gets killed, and Noah gets all soft when he sees his two cute little granddaughters and kisses them instead of aborting them with a knife. See, Christians, Hollywood didn't abort the fake babies after all.

The dove shows up. The boat runs aground. Ham takes off cuz he's mad Noah didn't save the chick he fell in love with after 30 seconds of gazing at her. Noah gets hammered. Emma convinces drunk Noah he's a good guy and everyone lives happily ever after.

Horrific!! The Christians, you know, the ones so unsure of their own faith they get angry at logic, are hammering message boards with one star reviews to take this movie out. The Muslims, you know, the wacky ones so unsure of their faith that they kill you when you get logical, have simply banned the movie.

Now I'd love to say Bravo Bravo, this is a ten star flick so eat me, Glenn Beck. But I cannot.

When the human beings are speaking it's a very good movie. Russell Crowe, Jennifer Connelly, Anthony Hopkins, Emma Watson and Ray Winstone are great. But those fuckin Rock Monsters or Transformers or whatever they were were just too much. So I'm not getting down in the flood muck with the religious kooks, but I will say it's 80% a good movie.

And the myth that two Corgis came down the hill to get on Noah's Ark? Good enough to me for a thumbs up!