Monday, April 7, 2014

Noah Part Deux!

We went to see Noah on Sunday morning, just as promised and of course attendance was sparse because everyone was busy listening to spiritual guidance from a charlatan as opposed to us, watching another Hollywood Leftist propaganda film.

All I can say is damnnnnnnn. My Bible study took a wrong turn somewhere around 1st Grade when Sister Mary Thomas rattled off the story of Noah and the Ark in between the Catholic sado-masochism. Shit,if she'd have thrown in Rock Monsters and a fertile, suddenly horny Hermione Granger, who knows how many of us would still be lighting candles and sniffing incense on Sunday mornings.

In the latest interpretation of the Noah story, directed by Darren Aronofsky (so you know its gonna be weird), Noah, played by Russell Crowe, not Joakim as I'd hoped, eats no meat, picks no flowers, hates mankind and has crazy dreams. In other words, he's 90% me.

Noah, with his dirty fingered wife, and his 3 sons wanders around until they come upon a poor little girl whom they adopt while running away from bad guys. Then a few years later, Noah has shaved his hair off and buffed up and after being roofied by Hannibal Lechter he has a whacko dream about drowning and concludes uh oh, "the Creator" is pissed and he has to build a giant boat with the help of a bunch of charcoal briquets that sound a lot like Nick Nolte.

Then two of every animal wanders onboard including two cute Corgis I am sure. Noah and the gang roofie all of them so nobody gets eaten and the bad guys try to take the boat. They fail and all die except for the main bad guy who growls a lot and corrupts Noah's kid Ham. Meanwhile, pre marital sex has led to Emma Watson getting all pregnant with Noah's other son's, Shemp or Curly Joe, I'm not sure, kid. This really ticks Noah off and he threatens to kill the baby if it's a girl cuz no more sluts on his damn boat.

The bad guy gets killed, and Noah gets all soft when he sees his two cute little granddaughters and kisses them instead of aborting them with a knife. See, Christians, Hollywood didn't abort the fake babies after all.

The dove shows up. The boat runs aground. Ham takes off cuz he's mad Noah didn't save the chick he fell in love with after 30 seconds of gazing at her. Noah gets hammered. Emma convinces drunk Noah he's a good guy and everyone lives happily ever after.

Horrific!! The Christians, you know, the ones so unsure of their own faith they get angry at logic, are hammering message boards with one star reviews to take this movie out. The Muslims, you know, the wacky ones so unsure of their faith that they kill you when you get logical, have simply banned the movie.

Now I'd love to say Bravo Bravo, this is a ten star flick so eat me, Glenn Beck. But I cannot.

When the human beings are speaking it's a very good movie. Russell Crowe, Jennifer Connelly, Anthony Hopkins, Emma Watson and Ray Winstone are great. But those fuckin Rock Monsters or Transformers or whatever they were were just too much. So I'm not getting down in the flood muck with the religious kooks, but I will say it's 80% a good movie.

And the myth that two Corgis came down the hill to get on Noah's Ark? Good enough to me for a thumbs up!

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