Why I Hate The Cubs!

The Chicago Cubs are going to the World Series. Now we have to hear about goats, and curses, and professional weirdo Bill Murray, and more curses and 1908 and 1945 and endless shots of old people in the stands for the next week or so. I am already sick of it and the Cubs havent even blown it yet.

Look, the first game I ever went to was at Wrigley Field in 1964 and the Giants beat the shit out of the Cubs that day. But it hooked me on baseball. It hooked me on the green field and the atmosphere and it even hooked me on Wrigley Field. Ah, you never forget your first love. It hooked me on Willie Mays, who hit a home run that day. I became a junkie. And the only teams I could pick up on the radio back home were the Minnesota Twins, The Kansas City A's and when the wind was blowing right, the St Louis Cardinals.

Now for some reason over the years, it has been assumed I am a Cubs fan. Well, I was a cable TV Cubs fan because it was baseball on my TV. Harry Carey was fun as hell. Drunk and uncensored, Harry once exclaimed after yet another Cubs loss on a Phillies walk off home run, "Jeeeeeeeeesus Christ its a home run!!!"

I would drive 24 hours to Arizona every spring to see spring training games, before it became just another money making scam by MLB. I would see the Cubs in Mesa, The Giants in Scottsdale, The A's in Phoenix., The Brewers in Chandler, the Mariners in Tempe, and een the Indians an hour away in Tuscon. It was fun, it was baseball. You could talk to the players, get autographs, get in the games for $3, and hide under the bleachers when your skin turned red from the 98 degree sun in March.

I would go every fall to Wrigley Field, after the Cubs were eliminated, and sit there in the front row with about 3,000 other people and see baseball.

And then came 1984. The Cubs won. The woodwork opened and out came the cute Cubbies fans. Making it a clusterfuck in Chicago for those of us who have claustrophobia, or agoraphobia, or just generally hate crowds of bandwagon jumping opportunists.

It was the beginning of my evolution from Cubs "fan" to Cubs "hater". When the Cubs blew a 2-0 lead in that 1984 NLCS to a fucking team from San Diego (??) and lost 3 in a row, I was kind of crushed. I wanted the Cubs to win. San Diego has a team? Christ they looked like McDonald's employees back then and they had that fucking Steve Garvey. But it was ok. I still like the Cubs.

1989 came and the Cubs played the Giants. The Giants won, of course, got swept by the A's in the Earthquake Series and I was finished with the Cubs. Why bother? I dont live there. They arent ever going to win, they put lights at Wrigley. Whats the big deal? It's just another sports franchise that makes a ton of money screwing the taxpayers and not caring if they win or lose because they have a ton of enabling fans who fork over money, win or lose.

Then came 2003. Another Cubs choke job. Caused by a super Cubs fan named Bartman who did whatever any fan would do with a baseball coming at you 20 feet above the field, he tried to catch it. The ultmate sin. Cuz we all know that the legendary Moises Alou would have caught it, the Cubs would have gone to Series and they would have won and put the curse to rest. Except for the Bartman character. He did it. He lost them the game. Oh not the 2 run error made by Alex Gonzalez, not Mark Prior's wild pitches, not the 8 runs the Marlins would score to turn a 3-0 deficit into an 8-3 lead. Oh not that. It was a nerdy fan down the left field line who lost them the game. No, not the next night when they blew yet another lead and lost. No not the fact Dusty Baker was your manager. Nope, it was the geek in left field, who had to be escorted out of the stadium and was spat on and called an asshole, and threatened by drunk Cubs fans and shown on the TV over and over and had to live in fear for the net few years.

Curses my ass. You just suck.

Then came 2008, when a billionaire family of right wing creeps bought the Cubbies. This family of greedy pricks then bought up all the rooftops, screwed the taxpayers of Illinois to "renovate" Wrigley Field and brought in Red Sox interloper Theo Epstein to "renovate" the Cubs.

The "renovation" is now complete. By bringing in players of uncertain character, like gunshot and beating women enthusiast Aroldis Chapman, the Cubs are the real deal. Just another great team full of mercenaries and whores.

And finally the evolution of Max's Dad was completed this last summer when at Wrigley for a Pearl Jam concert, it was discovered that the $500 million in taxpayer money was used by the right wing creepy family to put up giant scoreboards and and ads. That's it. The fucking 1912 bathroom still had troughs for the 2016 fan to piss their Old Style, no no thats gone too, only piss water Bud is sold there now, into. A trough? Really, how fun.

So in conclusion, from 1964 to now I have evolved into this.

1) I hate the Cubs fans for being superstitious bandwagon jumping assholes.

2) I hate the Cubs themselves for being owned by a right wing creep who decries big government except when he benefits from it

3) I hate Wrigley Field because you still have to piss in a trough

4) I hate Aroldis Chapman, a 103 mph throwing violent misogynist (unless of course he signs with the Giants)

........Go Cleveland! End your own futility streak. For the love of God! Save us from these pretentious Cubs fans.